A/N: I have never had a baby. Everything I know about pregnancy comes from movies, friends and some time with a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" (which has a nice month-by-month overview). Forgive any major missteps and remember that this pregnancy is a little special.

Duty's Choice: The Bastards of Ferelden - Chapter 27

The Waiting Game

9:35 Dragon, Winter 1, 23rd day

Highever Castle – home sweet home

Fergus had the gall to comment to me today that he was glad that my Wardens and Alistair weren't around. I threw a book at him. He dodged it, like he always did, and said something about me eating up all the winter stores. Brat. I'm eating for two, and two Wardens at that. Petra just smiles and hands me more elfroot to chew on. It's helped the nausea and other fun bodily functions.

And there no words to describe how much I miss my Alistair. In everyway. Especially the naughty ways.

9:35 Dragon, Winter 2, 9th day

We have some new arrivals, getting here just in time for a blizzard to hit. It's a good thing we're glad to have them. Maddox and Twyla Dryden have come from Soldier's Peak. One of the merchant-Drydens caught rumor of my condition and the siblings decided to come and see if they could be of use, which they can be. Highever is still very understaffed. Their noble blood shows every once in a while, giving orders and arranging things, Twyla especially. She's putting a nursery in order.

The second arrival was a bit more shocking. Sybila from Haven has grown bored sitting in Andraste's crypt and decided that she wants to see more of the wide world. The thing is, she simply walked out of the mountains without so much as a by-your-leave to the Chantry. She followed rumor here, figuring that it was as good a place as any to hide. I'm not sure her logic is sound, but Petra can teach her more about magic and Cailin needs a proper tutor, which is as good a cover as any. And she's taken up some Chantry duties in the castle. The whole thing is strange, but it seems to be my lot in life to collect lost souls.

Speaking of rumors, I now have a better idea of what's being said out there. Most of the kingdom seems to think that Alistair and I have parted ways, and the stories of why are spectacular. This most prevalent is that he can't handle the Commander of the Grey; she's too forceful for him. Oh please. According to the Drydens, there are some whispers about pregnancy in the northern parts of Ferelden, but not a word of it further south. Makes sense; I only threw up on every other tree between Orzammar and Highever.

9:35 Dragon, Winter 2, 12th day

Cailin has learned to be really good at sneaking around. He's putting to practice all sorts of tricks he picked up from the Dalish, Alcina and Maphisa. Poor thing just doesn't want his head bitten off when I'm in a mood, which happens, a lot.

This morning I found a few sprigs of elfroot and a full pitcher of water on my bedside table. I'd only been half-asleep and had a headache like my skull was cracked open. Every noise, every bit of light hurt. And yet when I roused myself for some water, there it was. Petra told me it was Cailin. Its unnatural for a boy to be so silent, but so very useful. I keep forgetting he's only five years old.

9:35 Dragon, Winter 2, 19th day

I haven't thrown up in three days. I am far more thrilled that I should be.

I'm also starting to bloat. There is a distinct bump to my belly and my ankles have inflated so that I can't wear my old boots. Not that I could put on any of my armor, even if it fit. I can't seem to hold on to anything.

This displeases me.

9:35 Dragon, Winter 3, 7th day

Correspondence from Amaranthine and Denerim has dried up as the snow deepens. Burion was sending me regular updates on how training is going. The new Wardens are doing well, and he has two more recruits to send to the Outpost once the weather allows. I was finding it all very depressing. I'm no good to anyone right now. Well, anyone who currently isn't living in my belly.

Alistair was getting a message to me also every week. He writes on Tuesdays, but the arrival of these notes is erratic, as we are hiding our communications. I miss him terribly. I can read the guilt in his letters and I try not to make it worse in mine. Petra assures me that fathers are useless at this time and would be better sent away on some task until the baby shows up. They either get in the way or flutter around making mama nervous. Fergus rather sadly agreed with her. Poor Fergus. There are days I can see how much he misses Orianna and Oren. I'm not sure if the solution is a new wife, more work, or simply time. Or there is no solution and I just have to watch my brother hurt. If only I'd woken up sooner…

9:35 Dragon, Winter 3, 10th day

I dreamt of him last night, this little light inside me. He kept telling me not to be afraid. I kept asking him of what, but there was no answer, just a sense of wary smiling. I have this strange sense of… something. Words fail me.

Words have failed me a lot in the last week or so. I've called everyone every wrong name out there and couldn't remember the word 'pitcher' this morning. Petra says that typical. She's also started to show me some very silly exercises, good for keeping fit and helping with carrying and delivery. Not so long ago, exercise was a run around whatever castle I was in and some various fighting forms. I haven't picked up a weapon in weeks, not since I almost dropped the Rose's Thorn on Finn.

9:35 Dragon, Winter 3, 12th day

I had a nightmare last night, the kind I've never had.

It was a Fade spirit, an evil one. It questioned me, stripped away my armor until I was naked. Took the shape of people I know and love, and spoke cruel things in their guises. Alistair said he didn't love me and never wanted to see me again. Mother that I was a great disappointment. Rainer that he gave me command which I so carelessly tossed aside. Duncan for thinking I could ever been a Grey Warden. Petra that I was going to fail as a mother. And then the baby ripped his way out of me, just like Jurgen described. He talked, said I was unworthy. That was it; I was giving up, dying. Then a bright light. I caught a glimpse of a man; armored, armed with sword and dagger, bearded and aged. He ran passed my shredded form, skewering the baby on his sword and running… off. Then Wynne came. She put me back together, held me as I cried. I woke up sobbing.

I'm scared. I've never wanted Alistair here so badly.

9:35 Dragon, Winter 3, 17th day

He kicked me! Or punched me or rolled over or something. It doesn't matter, he moved! And I woke up the whole castle to tell everyone. Petra did a quick prodding, declared everything satisfactory and went back to bed. There were a lot of patient smiles.

I wish Alistair was here to feel him.

9:36 Dragon, Spring 1, 1st day

And with the dawn, winter is over and a new year begins. Will someone please inform winter? It's still snowing.

Petra pricked my finger and spread the blood on a crystal and a halved apple. She and Sybila spent several hours pondering the crystal. Petra said the crystal bit was about the taint and the baby and all the pain I've been in for the last few days. She keeps saying 'normal but badly so'. That is not reassuring. Looks like I'm not going to get off easy on any of this.

As for the apple, apparently there's an old wives tale about reading the blood of an expectant mother on the first day of spring. Twyla proclaimed that my baby would be a leader of men and propagate a great line of warriors. If only she knew.