We can only learn to love by loving.
~ by Iris Murdoch ~

Chapter 5

"Hyorinmaru? Where are you?" I said as I walked around my vast, ice plain. I heard a soft chuckle echo in the air.

"Turn around," said a voice that had an echo itself. Whether I wanted to turn around or not, I did. I was met face to face with a wall of ice, staring into the eyes of my reflection. Except, it wasn't me. Those eyes. They were eyes of a hollow. The reflection smiled.

"I'm Hyorinmaru," it said.

"No," I whispered. I couldn't break away from its gaze. Those eyes. Those golden eyes.

"I'M HYORINMARU!"

My eyes burst open, I probably would've bolted up too if it wasn't for the heavy arm on top of my body. I panted as I turned my head. Ichigo was still asleep. He didn't leave. I gently lifted his arm off of me and stood up shakily. I rubbed my right arm, what was left of it that is, for the cut still stung a little.

"Ah, you're up," I heard Ichigo say. I turned. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," I said as I turned to look out the window.

"Toshiro?" Ichigo said and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm...going to get cleaned up," I said as I turned and left. After Urahara had given me spare clothes and pointed me to the shower, I turned on the water and let it roll down my back. Why was this happening to me? Did Soul Society now about it yet? What will they do? I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to forget them for now. They weren't here or involved yet, let me deal with what was. My thoughts traveled to my broken zanpakuto.

"Where are you Hyorinamru?"

I laid my head down on the table and thanked Tessai as he poured me a cup of tea. I didn't touch it. I knew that Ichigo was watching me with that worried look in his eyes. I just couldn't bring myself to put up an "I'm fine" act. So instead I decided to mope around in silence.

"Why don't you two go out for a walk? It's a beautiful day." Urahara suggested. I didn't move.

"How about it, Toshiro? Wanna go for a walk?" I turned my head so I was on my chin and look up at him. He had a small smile on his face, I couldn't help but mimic it.

"Sure," I said.

We walked in silence until we got to the park. We took a seat on a bench in front of a pond.

"You know," Ichigo said. "You're not alone in this," he said as he cautiously, since we were in public, wrapped his strong arm around my shoulder. I welcomed it. I felt safe. If this happened anytime before I probably would've pushed him off, saying I didn't need anyone to protect me.

But now, everything was different.

For better or worse, I still haven't decided.

But I had Ichigo now and that made me feel...happy? Safe? I wasn't sure about that yet either but I liked how it made me feel.

"Urahara said we'd talk, did he forget?" I asked.

"No, he didn't," he squeezed my shoulder tighter, "he just felt you needed some space."

I starred at the koi fish as they surfaced every now and then. "Lets head back." I said.

Urahara told me as much as he knew, which wasn't as much as I thought. Most likely there were more Hogyoku shards in my body and that they were either feeding off my reiatsu or breaking the barrier between me and hollow form. I figured it was the latter since I wasn't feeling weak from reiatsu loss.

"So I'm slowly turning into a hollow?"

"Yes," Urahara said, "but you don't have to. If you can learn to control it you won't become a hollow, but you won't be a shinigami anymore either."

"I'll be a vizard." Urahara nodded.

"Shinji was mentioned yesterday..."

"Yes, Shinji and his group of vizards know how to deal with the transformation, but their way is risky. You either control it or they kill you."

I pondered on this. "Sounds reasonable to me."

"Toshiro!" Ichigo said. "You don't have to do this."

"I don't have a choice and you know it Ichigo." I could tell Ichigo was fighting with himself, trying to come up with something to say, but he turned away from me. "Take me to Shinji," I said.

"A warehouse?" I asked as we stopped in front of one.

"Shouldn't judge a book by its cover," Ichigo said to me with a small smile as he pushed open the door and called out.

"What the hell do you want Ichigo? And what's with the one armed shorty?" said a girl who appeared before us. I held myself back from making any comment about the shorty or the one arm remark. If these people could help me I didn't want to piss them off. Even if they pissed me off. I needed their help.

"Now, now, Hiyori, be nice," a man with short, straight, blond hair said as he too, appeared. Then suddenly the girl took off her sandal and smacked the other guy in the face. I moved closer to Ichigo and clutched the bag which had Hyorinmaru's hilt in it tighter. After the hitting and yelling was done the blond man looked at me and smiled.

"Ah, I see why you're here."

"We need your help," Ichigo said.

"Really? Why should I help you?"

"Well, if you thought me going hollow was a bad thing, Toshiro going hollow would be just as bad."

There was tension in the air and I could hear my own heart beat against my chest. I began to feel dizzy and could feel sweat roll down my temple. I could hear Ichigo saying something but I couldn't make it out. I felt myself getting picked up and then everything went black.

I opened my eyes to a field of ice.

My field of ice.

I was concerned about why I was here, why I blacked out. Was I suppose to do something? Or just wait until I woke up?

"What do I do Ichigo?" I said to the cold air as I wrapped my arm around me. Then I realized Hyorinmaru was in my grasp. I looked down as the blade reflected the shock in my eyes.

"Hyorinmaru," I whispered.

"So you've come?"

I whirled around and came face to face with my pale, hollow-eyed self. I back up a few feet.

"Now, it's finally time to fight for dominance!" he said as he swung his own Hyorinamru down.

Reflexes saved me.

The force pushed me back. I steadied myself and took in my opponent.

"Your arm..." I said as I saw he mirrored me exactly, of course, apart from the hollow features.

"Well, when I kick your ass I don't want you complaining I was unfair," he said with a smirk.

So I had to fight him. This was a battle for control, for power.

"I sure as hell am not gonna lose." I said with strong determination. I can't deny I wasn't a little nervous. I haven't fought since I lost my arm so I was at a disadvantage, but I knew Ichigo had faith in me, even if he was against this.

"Really?"

"The war might be over, but my battle isn't."

"Heh, your battle will be over very soon." There was that smirk again.

"Yeah, but not in your favor." I said and mirrored his smirk.

The battle was far from short. I leaned against a block of ice as I tried to catch my breath and starred down at my right hand. It just...regenerated during the fight. It made me wonder what the hell was going on in the real world. I didn't have time to try and come up with a theory, hollow-me was on top of me constantly, I was lucky I could even take this breather. It didn't last long though as I heard the ice break and shatter behind me.

"Stop hiding!" he shouted as he slashed me across the chest. I jumped back and gasp for air. This couldn't go on much longer.

"Bankai!"

"Bankai!"

"So, you know it too?"

"Of course, I know everything you do," he said as he slashed Hyorinmaru and a wave of a black ice rushed towards me. My wings shielded me.

"You can't win!"

At this point.

I believed those words.

Then I thought of Ichigo. His smile. His warmth. His strength. His love.

"No..."

A sudden wave of power like I've never felt before engulfed me and blasted anything near away.

"What?"

"I just gained something that's grown to be very important to me and I'm not going to lose it to you!"

Blood covered my hand and I heard a groan. I looked up.

"Right in the the chest..." he said, the smirk long gone from his face. "Don't think that just because you defeated me now, it's over." He began to fade. "When I see the slightest waver in you, don't think I'll hesitate to take control."

"Don't worry," I said as I pushed the blade in deeper. "I won't give you the chance."

"Guess we'll just have to wait and see." There was that damn smirk and then I was engulfed in light.

It felt as if I was encased in glass and it shattered as I awoke. I fell to my knees as the last of the "glass" on my face shattered. Strong hands grabbed me as I was about to fall forward.

"Toshiro, can you hear me?" It was Ichigo.

I smiled.

"I beat him."

He smiled.

"Thanks to you," I could see the confused look on his face, but I passed out before anymore could be said.

I felt warm as I opened my my eyes.

"Ah, glad to see you awake little one."

I turned my head to a really large man sitting beside me. His hand was over my torso and glowed a soft orange. I felt a hand on my head and looked towards the other way.

Ichigo smiled down at me.

I frowned.

"What happened to you?" I asked, as I spotted bruises on his face. He continued to smile.

"Don't worry about me, I'll explain later. We would've explained everything to you before but you suddenly blacked out and your reaitsu flared and we had to get you down here before you...let loose. Shinji's still trying to figure out why it happened."

My groggy mind only processed some of what he said. I nodded as I closed my eyes, he was rubbing my head and it was making me drowsy. I slipped once again into sleep as I felt Ichigo lay a kiss on my forehead.