A/N: Hey Everyone. Once again, here is another chapter I was able to get my hands on. This is the last one until my computer is fixed. Take care everyone and as I said, keep your fingers crossed that my computer gets fixed soon.

Special Thanks to Kristine Thorne, my rockin Beta. You have done a great job editing this. Thank you.

Chapter 21

1996- Middle of Hermione's fifth year

Severus sighed. He was sitting in his office drinking a glass of fire whiskey as he thought over what all he'd just seen that night. He didn't know how he felt exactly, having seen the memories but he did know he was going to wring Hermione's neck when she got back.

For years he had done his best to protect her and even when he thought he had, she had found ways to get into more trouble without his knowledge. Her first year alone here at Hogwarts she could have been killed several times.

In her third year, he saw her getting attacked by the Whomping Willow and had cringed. Each time the tree branches crashed into her he had winced. Knowing how hard the branches could hit a person. Watching her flying through the air on its branches while screaming had been hell. At least now he knew why her face had been covered in dirt and was bleeding that night.

But it was finding out that even though he shielded her body from Remus in wolf form and then held her back from chasing after Harry to keep her safe, she still got right back into trouble. She actually went back in time and made the damn wolf come after her and her idiotic friend.

Sure, she hadn't meant for that to happen, but it had. He had felt fear watching it, even knowing she survived it. Felt his heart race at seeing Remus in wolf form start to chase them. Felt helpless when after they thought they got away, the wolf found them again. Seeing Harry wrap his arms around Hermione and curl his body into hers to protect her as the wolf charged, the air had backed up in his lungs.

But it was hearing her scream seconds before the werewolf reared back to swipe at them, that his heart had stopped. It took several moments for it to start again. Even after seeing Buckbeak jump in between Hermione and the wolf to save them.

He hadn't been sure if he was up for any more memories after that. Glad that Potter was so busy dealing with the memories he had seen not to notice how pale Severus had been afterward. Even more so than he normally was.

But he still had to teach Potter Oclumency, so he had watched more. Potter hadn't seen everything Severus saw. Potter had only seen his most painful or prized memories. Not all the rest of his school years as Severus had seen.

He did see one memory that he was going to hex Lupin over the next time he saw him. Bloody werewolf.

Lupin had been the one to encourage Neville to do it in their third year. It explained why Hermione had done that to him during their duel while in his seventh year. He might just hex her too. After he was done strangling the little chit of course for all the hell and fear she had put him through these last few years.

Sure, he had found the vulture hat a bit funny at the time. But now knowing what inspired it, it didn't seem as funny now. Her joke about how at least she hadn't made him carry a red handbag had made him pause in confusion back then.

He hadn't fully understood. Why a red handbag? He had wondered. Seeing her giggle, he had shrugged it off. He had been used to her mild teasing by then. Besides, they had been alone and no one else had seen it.

Severus took a drink again, not able to hold back a small smirk that graced his lips over the memory of them dueling so long ago. Okay, so maybe it still was a bit funny. He thought as his smirk grew. Plus, she had distracted him from asking by letting him touch and taste her that first time. Even if had only been above the waist.

He thought again about what all Minerva had told him. He still had around two years before he would see her again if his calculations were correct. He could handle two years. He had done eighteen years so far, so two would be nothing compared to that.

He paused. She had said she was eighteen. Was it only two years? It had to be. She had come to him during her seventh year. Sure, she had told the bartender twenty-two, but that had only been to get them a room for the night. Right?

He reached into his pocket and pulled out her letter he had read many times since Minerva had given it to him. He sighed as he glanced at the yellowed and slightly wrinkled pages. She didn't realize that he would get it early. She hadn't expected him to get it before the end of her fifth year.

He sighed as he read it again.

"My dearest Severus,

I'm going to assume Minerva has filled you in on where I came from. Especially since I told her to. Please understand that when I first arrived, I never intended to change anything. I knew that to do so could cause so many repercussions that it would change the world, as I know it now. A world finally without fear of Voldemort or his followers.

I hope you understand that I do love you. So very much. I didn't come to your seventh year with the intention of interfering in your life or hurting you. As I told you so long ago, I thought it was a bad idea for us to get involved and now you know why. I never meant to fall in love with you or to make you fall in love with me. But it happened and I can't find it in myself to regret a single moment of it. Well, maybe Remus chasing us, but it did end well that night.

Yes, I did know Peter sent me there on purpose to kill me that night. I didn't believe his lame excuses on it being an accident. But I couldn't kill him like I wanted to. If I had, it would have changed the future a lot. I couldn't risk it. You have no idea how hard it was to let him go that day. Don't worry though, he will get his in the end. I'm just so sorry I had to lie to you once again. I never wanted to lie to you, I just wasn't able to tell you the truth for fear of what it would do.

Plus, I wasn't sure that you wouldn't think I was crazy. Who would believe time travel anyway?

I figure you will be angry at first and I can only hope you find it in yourself to forgive me for what I have done, or for what I will do. Depending on how you look at it. I'm so very sorry for everything that has happened since I left. I wanted so much to stop what I knew was coming but I couldn't.

I wish I could have saved Lily for you. I know you loved her very much. I know she is why you chose to be a spy for Dumbledore. But in changing her dying, it could have made Voldemort win. It was Lily's sacrifice that destroyed his body back then. If she hadn't died, he would have had those years that he was gone to build his army even stronger than it was.

I loved Lily and James so very much and I don't know how you or Harry will ever forgive me for not doing more to save them. I don't know how I will ever forgive or live with myself either.

By now you know that Sirius died too. As much as I know you didn't like him, I feel his death is on my head as well. But I couldn't save him from falling into the veil during that battle. I just pray Harry understands why I didn't warn Sirius about the Department of Mysteries. Had he not jumped in front of Bellatrix's spell to save Harry he wouldn't have been knocked into it from the force of the hit. But then again, Harry might be dead instead. It's the only thing that helps me deal with it. Knowing it was for the greater good. Oh, how I hate those words.

I'm so sorry for having lied to you as much as I did. Lied about the scars from the battles I've survived. Lied about the scar on my hand. You were right. It was words carved into my skin. I will not provoke others to break rules, is what it once said. You wouldn't think it would fit, but it did apparently, just barely though.

I'm sure you know all about Umbridge and what she did to punish us students. I did at least get the satisfaction of getting rid of her. I know I'll always be thankful to the centaurs for taking her to whatever fate they felt she deserved. I even took great pleasure in destroying all those torturing quills she used on us. Snapped everyone that made the words appear in our own blood as we wrote lines on that damn parchment.

I hope you know I wanted to stay with you. I was ready to leave my friends who are my only family now to be with you. But I couldn't, even though I begged to be allowed to. Dumbledore explained to me what my staying might have caused. Even though I already knew why I couldn't stay.

Had I stayed I could have ruined everything and instead of us winning, made us lose the war instead. Though I think this has been hardest on you so far, I hope you understand it all.

Knowing what is coming and knowing what trials you must still face, it's hard not to warn you. But I knew if I did, it could just make it all worse for you to have to bare it. I couldn't do that to you either. I couldn't make anything harder on you when you already have such a heavy a burden to bare as it is.

All I can do is ask you to let whatever Harry and I face happen. Please don't try to stop it. If you do…we might all be lost in the end. I pray what I have let happen here during your seventh year hasn't changed it already.

I must go. But know that I do love you so very much and pray…that we all find the peace we seek in the end. Severus, there is so much more tha…"

A few sentences were blurred out by what must have been her tears. He knew that this letter had been hard for her to write. There were similar tear stains all over the parchment to prove it.

"…but somehow I know it's for the best.

Right now you are sleeping and I must leave you very soon. How I wish I could at least tell you goodbye. I didn't want you to think I had just abandoned you, but I had no choice. Had I told you I was leaving I never would have been able to go.

Either you would have stopped me, convinced me to stay like I so desperately wanted to. Or I'd have never gotten the courage to actually leave. I'm not as strong or brave as everyone thinks I am.

No matter what Severus, you are a good man. Never think I don't know that. No matter what you have done, no matter what you have to do. You will always be that wonderful man I know you are. I know what you've done, so don't think I wont understand. I will understand and will love you anyway. You've done it all once already in my past.

Loving you forever and always no matter what,

Hermione Jean Granger…insufferable know-it-all who loves you more than you'll ever know…formally Hermione Brown for a short period of time."

Severus felt his own eyes sting at reading it once again. Knowing when she had written this. He had woken to find her silently crying at a small desk in the Room of Requirement where they had fallen asleep. She had played it off. Dug down deep to push the tears away and given him a smile.

Saying she was just homesick. Saying she missed all of her friends back home. He had held her while she cried and taken her at her word. Not even questioning why she asked him to make love to her again that night. Not knowing it was her saying goodbye.

Looking over the letter again, he can't help but feel sad. She truly believed that he loved Lily more. That it was Lily dying that turned him against the Dark Lord. It had been losing her and thinking that his being a Death Eater is what made her leave.

He hadn't been able to follow a man that made him lose so much. Being a spy had been Dumbledore's idea since Severus couldn't really leave that world with his life still intact. Dumbledore had convinced him that if he made the difference by being a spy for him, Hermione might just come back to him.

Severus had been angry for a long time afterward. Hermione hadn't come back after several years of his spying for the old wizard, but by then, he had seen the need to keep on doing what he did. So he had continued.

He hadn't been able to really stay angry with her after reading the letter a second time the night he got it. He had his moments of anger, but not like when he had first found out.

Since he wasn't meant to have read the letter yet, he had information he shouldn't have at this point. He had tried to find a way to keep her from having those words carved into her hand. But once Minerva found out what he was trying to do, she had stopped him.

Saying he couldn't change it just to stop her pain. Minerva had wanted to stop it as well, but couldn't. When she had tried to talk to Umbridge about it, she had been told that her interference was like going against the Minister himself.

Knowing the horrible woman would get hers in the end is all that kept Severus from hitting the woman with the killing curse. If he did it, he would go to Azkaban and ruin everything from what Minerva said.

But the question was what to do about his knowledge about Black's death. It hadn't happened yet. But what can I do? What should I do? If he warned Black, Harry might die and Harry was too important to lose. At least according to Dumbledore.

He knew he would need to think on it. He loved Hermione enough to try to save her the heartache she was bound to face upon her return. But he couldn't try to save Black if it potentially risked Hermione's life and freedom.

He may have thought she was a pure-blood or at the very least a half-blood during his time with her, not that her blood status had mattered to him, but he knew now she was muggle born. If Voldemort won, she would die or possibly something worse. He knew there were worse things than death too.

He didn't know what the answer was, so he decided to go talk to Minerva. The head of Gryffindor house was smart and would be able to provide a fresh perspective of what to do.

A/N: I promised you all that I would let you see the letter Hermione gave him. Well, here you go. Personally, I cried as I wrote it. Then cried again as I reread later on before posting it. Please leave me your thoughts so I know how you liked the chapter. Take care everyone.