I was running late…to bed, that is. It was early in the morning and way past the curfew, after my nice few hours with Hawkeye in the Supply Room (a locked door and a coat hanger being the greatest inventions ever). It was one of the happiest nights I had in a while, but I knew that something was bound to ruin it somehow, either with the war or Margaret Houlihan. It was soon going to turn sour in another way though and I did not need to worry about the old chief nurse chasing me. For some odd reason, I was being called to Daddy's VIP tent for a meeting, a "talk" if you will, with him.
It was already about three in the morning, when all started to quiet down and the drinking from the other campmates had ceased and the true chasing began. Radar had happened to bump into me on my way out of Post-Op as I was checking on a patient I was worried about. Then proceeded to tell me that I was being paged by my father, who was awake and pacing in his VIP tent. And it seemed to be a bit urgent, by the way he ordered Radar around.
When I checked Radar out, since he was jumpy, I saw that it seemed like the company clerk had been roused out of bed quickly and had been searching for me for some time. His glasses were askew, half of his uniform was still on (not going out with the laundry yet) and he had his teddy bear hooked into one arm. I was betting that he also had been saluting Daddy until he was out of sight and out of mind.
"Do you know what he wants, Radar?" I asked when hearing this strange order, rubbing my arms as goosebumps lined them. I had a new coat on all right, as Hawkeye found one for me in the Supply Room, finding that the coat we took from its coat hanger worked out perfectly. The cold still bit through it though, even in the latter days of the Korean autumn.
"I don't know, Sir," Radar replied, pointing me in the direction of the VIP tent, where Daddy was staying in. "He just came in and he started to yell at me to wake up and said to go get you from the Supply Room and –"
"He knew that I was in the Supply Room?!" I gasped, so embarrassed I felt about it because I thought that, even though the camp might know about it, he might not.
Dammit! And I thought it was bad enough the camp gossiped about things!
Radar shivered. "I don't know, Sir, but –"
"Ah, Corporal O'Reilly, I see you've found my daughter."
My father's crisp voice suddenly filled the cold air behind us, making us both shake in fear and it wasn't just from the cold either. Radar seemed just as frightened as I was of my father, instead of in awe, and it even showed earlier in the office tour. Then, it showed even more. I would assume that that wake-up call from earlier startled him to a point where he could no longer be calm around officers. Daddy seemed to put fear into enlisted personnel like that.
"Sir, what is it that you want from me?" I asked Daddy as he, uncharacteristically of him, took me by my arm and linked it with his.
"Corporal, you're dismissed." Daddy was ignoring my question and I knew it. He usually did unless he had a point to make.
"Sir," I began again in warning tone, but then thought better of it. I kept my mouth shut.
"Jeanette, let's talk in my tent for a while," Daddy just said to me as Radar scampered back to the office, happy to be away from my father. "Why does it seem like this whole camp – crazy as it is with Henry Blake in charge – is frightened of me?"
"I don't know, Sir," I automatically answered as a sort of protection, uncomfortable with Daddy's arm around him and wistfully wishing for Hawkeye to rescue me and get me back to the Swamp (my Knight in the Red Shining Bathrobe could not be found anywhere after leaving and most likely wouldn't be now). "Maybe it's who you are and what you did?"
Daddy said nothing back to me, but continued to walk arm-in-arm with me. While walking, we passed the camp's usual night owls. Klinger was on patrol in a female dress uniform, holding an empty gun with a scarf wrapped around the end. Nurse Janet Baker was hiding behind another guardsman under a sheet, her heels showing in the back. Our new surgeon and local musician, Captain Calvin Spalding, was going after a drink at the Officers' Club, swinging his guitar to his back. Henry was heading into his tent with Leslie Dish, his favorite nurse for fishing (amongst other things). Even Frank and Margaret were sneaking around again, heading to the delousing station.
All of that didn't deter us from heading to our destination, not even bringing up a conversation about the nightly activities in the meantime. Daddy and I just remained silent for the rest of the walk, finally reaching his tent on the other side of the camp, near where Simmons was bunking. While that creep that been kept free for now pending an investigation, it did not deter Daddy from sneering in the general direction our new major was sleeping in before coming back to reality.
All and all, this walk was different to me and so strange that it was happening. I never had my father even touch me in a manner like that (familial, friendly even) and not threat to kill me before. I half-expected him to do something like he did earlier in the day, but he didn't. His arm still linked in mine, we went inside his tent, as normal as could be, like he had been my gracious father this entire time and had not taunted me in the past.
Releasing me from his imperial grip, Daddy closed the door to his quarters and sighed in weariness, as if this had been a trying chore and that he was glad it was over. He then proceeded to take out a cigar and a lighter, showing a noticeable stash in his pockets. Although I was waiting for it to come out (it was a usual scene from long ago), I did not expect more kindness from him. He offered me one from his pocket, believe it or not.
"I don't smoke," I announced with little confidence, shaking as Daddy told me to calm down and sit in the chair next to his cot. He even took the chair opposite of it and stared at me, studying me like I was some sort of specimen.
"You should, it's good for you." Daddy lit the cigar, taking a drag and flicking the ashes to the ground, getting to the point quickly. "Jeanette, I've been wanting to talk to you for years, but I don't know how to reach you really."
"Because you've wanted me dead for years?" I asked with a blast of anger, but then covered my mouth with my hands. I was shocked that I sassed my father like that and knew that doing so would have had me whipped. I was almost crying with fear and shame when he just laughed at the reply.
"See, Jeanette? You've more like me than you think." Daddy took another drag from his cigar and blew the smoke he inhaled in my general direction. "Look at yourself, Jeanette. You and Dean have achieved a lot from the time you've become insecure adults to now. I've watched you both from afar and I wanted to say…how proud I am of you. You've done a lot more than your several older brothers have and maintained a semi-sane life in the meantime. I cannot say that some of it was good, but it was better than even I expected."
"Not when I was working with Colonel Flagg," I mentioned, almost forgetting that this was my father and that he would not care otherwise. I then covered my mouth again, looking shocked that I dared to talk out of turn again (even to mention events long past), especially something I kept secret, close to my heart.
Daddy waved his hand and ignored my reaction, coughing on his next inhale of the cigar. I wanted to rub his back and to make it stop (something that came with being a nurse, you can say), but I knew better and waited for him to talk. The nurse in me was caring and wanted to make life comfortable, even if it was my father. However, the teenager inside of me from long ago wanted to cringe and to hide in the safest spot possible. I was finding that the latter was always winning, especially now that I was talking with Daddy.
"That jackass that seems akin to the wind?" Daddy asked when his coughing stopped. "'The Wind' is moving onward and upward with each war, Jeanette. He just used you for his own means. You were his tool in West Germany, the nurse who had such powers of observation that the US Army was afraid of her and made her a spy. You thought that you had the control of everything afterward, especially when you had your cronies doing your own work and getting killed on your plans. But he was there, watching you and taking notes and making sure that you made a slip so that he could trap you in it."
Daddy grinned, as if he knew it all and would recite it, word for word. "And when you were going to be sent here, they all said to the Russians that it was a joke, you were no spy, even though they had an idea that you were in West Germany. The Soviets knew otherwise, I would assume, even if they didn't know your real name. You're a lot more cunning than you think and the Army knows it, but Flagg has got you over his head. He has the whip, Jeanette. All he needs is one more slip and he'll corner you with nothing more than humiliation and shame."
Then, Daddy spit on the ground, as if the whole issue were some sort of disgraceful business anyway. "If they find you, they're going to kill you, Jeanette. You played the spy for far too long and know too much, so much so that a bounty was put on your head. This is why you were sent here, to a war that needed more nurses than sanity. You're supposed to stay out of trouble before the Soviets found you, to keep you someplace else before your next assignment. You have no security clearance to go back to the United States again. And sneaking in before going to Korea wasn't a good idea. You were supposed to have a straight flight from Europe."
I covered my ears, not believing what I was hearing.
"They were following orders from Flagg, not me," I protested weakly as my ears remained covered. "I sent them to do what they had to do and those remaining still keep in contact with me, even if it is dangerous to do so. The Soviets caught the rest of them and would never be able to find the rest. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't go out there and do their job. The Soviets knew me. And I can't shoot. I can't kill. I'm a nurse, not a spy, like they made me out to be."
"Deny it all you want, Jeanette," Daddy continued, smiling a grin I had not seen since I was a child. "The plans were something you and Flagg were working on and it worked to an extent. Then, the Soviets found the little spies of yours and killed them, one by one, torturing them before death became their only mercy and used as the last resort. They don't tolerate the US sending people in to look in and say, 'Mind if we step in and topple your government?' Jeanette, you were sent, as a tool, to overthrow the Soviet government with Flagg. Admit it."
I lowered my hands from my ears and stared at him, suddenly crying. A tear started to make a stream down my face. Then, soon enough, more came. It was a weakness I did not intend to show in front of my father. It came anyway, harsh and heavy.
"You've been a soft one, haven't you? Any mention of death and destruction makes you teary-eyed." Daddy then put his cigar out on the floor, ignoring the mess it made, and scooted his chair over to me. He put my chin in his large hand, just as Hawkeye did, and bore his eyes into mine again. "War will toughen you, Jeanette. Don't you ever forget about it. Ever. You may be a nurse, never agreeing with the concept of the form of protection called guns, but you were also a spy because the US Army liked you too much. You hurt a lot of people working for the US government and Uncle Sam. And I can't protect you from that. You've made your own enemies. It's your own choice whether or not you want to face them and fight them, starting with the one person who put you into this to begin with. He's the one you need to worry about."
I shook my head, trying to get out of Daddy's grip and to forget that what he was saying was the truth. It was a discussion I knew was long coming as the demons reared its horns at me and showed off that I was not past the hurdle yet. I even stopped crying to show him that I was the boss and that I was not a weak woman anymore, to become a statue that did not feel anymore. I didn't want him controlling my life anymore and telling me which side to be on, to tell me how the enemy was when there were only ghosts. I was my own person who saw the worst in everything and would only want peace after so much, especially with Colonel Flagg behind the background. I suffered and lost and won and triumphed sometimes. Daddy didn't need to tell me how life was. I knew it already.
However, I was still in that tight grip, dammit, and I wanted out of it. I squirmed harder to get out. I could not afford it anymore.
"Daughter, stop that," Daddy ordered. "You're mine right now and not Captain Pierce's little whore, jumping when you both please. This time is ours, as I wanted it. Appreciate it right now because I might never be this compassionate and kind to you ever again."
"You never were," I replied with spite, almost spitting his face (the temptation was great, believe me). "You treated us with the most disrespect I had ever seen a parent do to a child."
"I was never the best father to anyone, Jeanette, but at least you learned early enough from me that the world is never fair, even to those who deserve it." Daddy's grey eyes turned darker, almost black, and it frightened me for a second before the nurse in me kicked in and saw danger. "You were young when your mother left me and you all traveled too much for my taste, so much so that I could not see you and get to know you as a child. However, I know you more than you think, even without seeing you. You want to settle down and have a family and have a quiet life away from chaos and war. Every girl wants that. You wanted that with your boyfriend lover of yours in Berlin there. What's his name again?"
"Falk, you mean," I whispered, forgetting the light of my life in Germany, a man that lit my fire like Hawkeye did. He died in the line of duty when he was away from me, if I must call it that. He was my falcon indeed and a space in my heart was still there for him.
"You were engaged, if I remember correctly, Jeanette," Daddy recounted, "and then he happened to die on that last mission, the one you and Flagg orchestrated and sat back looking in on. Then, you were shipped here, before the Soviets got you too."
Daddy let go of me finally, pushing his chair back a ways with his feet. "He seemed to be the love of your life before this Captain Pierce came into your life. And the two seemed to be the same: jokesters, not Regular Army, whatever. Falk didn't like to be in the West German Army and made a joke out of it. When he looked at you though, when you two were assigned together, everything fell into place. Leverage was born. Everything became history and then it is repeated through another man."
"Hawkeye was not like that at all!" I exclaimed in dismay, feeling my blood get heated. "I met him in Henry's office and not on some parade with his grandfather. And he most certainly isn't the victim of political circumstances!"
"But he's too alike to Falk, isn't he?" Daddy asked, looking at my face, still wet from crying moments before, and nodding when he looked deep inside my eyes and saw the truth of the matter. "It's what I thought. Jeanette, be careful. Your own passions will be your downfall."
I said nothing in reply. I felt that there was nothing left to say to this man. I thought that this was strange anyway, to be escorted so early in the morning and told one was proud of me, and knew this to be a false sense of security. All I received was taunting…and it would be all I would get from this man.
Daddy soon stood up, seeing that I wasn't speaking anymore. "Leave me. I'm off to Munsan early in the morning. This might be the last time I see you, Daughter, so remember this as the time I will be the most sympathetic to you and your causes."
Finally getting the courage to spit on his feet, I hacked back and made sure that the saliva I dribbled made contact with Daddy's boots. I showed him how I felt about him when I was not in fear. I shot pure venom into my eyes, angered that I was even reminded of what I had loved and lost, what had made my life a living hell before Korea was even thought of. I shot what I had hoped was my most careless look, the one that told him that he was wrong and I was right.
"It's just as I thought," Daddy said again, ignoring my nonchalant action and walking over to the door and opening it for me, motioning at me to get out quickly. "I'll talk to Henry Blake when I have the chance to, if he and that nurse of his are not together in his tent. Now, Jeanette, get out of here. Get out of here before I change my mind about the kind things I said to you tonight."
"I'll go with pleasure, Sir," I announced, as if to the world wanted to know my opinion of him still. I got up from my chair and went out the door proud. I was somehow touched by his words though as his eye bore into me, feeling that my childish act meant nothing.
Did Daddy mean everything he said? I know he has his connections and knows where the hell I am most of the time. However, is he right? Am I a walking target? Will the enemy look for me and kill me for what I did to them for three years, despite them not knowing my real name or seeing an actual face? Do they know that I am here and not in Germany? Will they see me in the ROK as an easy pickup? Most importantly, will Colonel Flagg rat me out, like he wants to do with my connections?
I recalled the memories, good and bad, and sighed. Perhaps Daddy was right. I mean, Colonel Flagg claimed to have liked me from the start and picked me up from Boston to go to West Germany. He needed me to forget what I had learned, what I had seen, in those Army hospitals, and be trained for something different. And different this was, different in a way that it kept me so far away from reality and deep in danger that I could not know the difference. It was a very dangerous time.
I walked back to the nurses' tent quietly (despite the noises I heard otherwise), thinking about my poor Falk, the light of my life before I came to Korea. I had not thought about him really since the beginning of the last Christmas season, our last together, after we argued and made up. A few days later (more towards the New Years' holiday), the mission to infiltrate the ultimate central power of the Soviet Union – Moscow, the capital – had begun. With no word back, I began to fret. It was afterward that I learned that Falk was killed, a bullet to his head after being tortured and refusing to tell them where I was. The leader had to go first of course and he volunteered to go first to the firing squad…or so I was told by Flagg later on.
Oh, who knows what the truth really is anymore?
I finally reached my quarters, but I was not keen on going in yet and wanted to be left alone. I was too upset about what Daddy had said, despite the few happy hours I had with Hawkeye. It was a bittersweet night indeed and one that wasn't requiring sleep. Something new had made my heart soar with gladness and a reminder from the worst man possible had soured it quickly.
I only had hours on my hands before my Post-Op duty. I wanted to sleep because of this, to think about the words that were said, but I could not feel anything resembling sleep as I stood at the door. Shivering, I could not think without opening it, without even pondering the consequences of my own actions. All I could think about was my evening, when the truth was finally said and nothing was spared. The words said to me by Daddy…God, was it all true? Was he trying to be a friend after so many years or was he pushing buttons that didn't need to be?
I never dared to defy Daddy often either, but when I did, it meant horrible things were coming and pretty soon too. I did know that someday, they would come, even if all of this was some smoke and I would be safe to return to the US. If not, then there was trouble ahead. What was next then? Was Daddy now going to start taking things away from me, one by one, to ensure that Flagg would not get there first? Was anything precious to me safe from his hands? For that matter, was anything I love safe from Colonel Flagg, the mastermind who helped kill my first love?
I looked up the sky, another tear sliding down my face. Oh, Falk, what would you have done in my place? What should I do for myself, now that Daddy has played his hand and showed me everything he's known about me? I know that I need to talk to Henry about this of course and tell him everything, but there are always secret, things that I even told Hawkeye the first night we really talked to each other. My falcon…oh, my falcon, what can I do? Should I be truthful or give him another attitude? I don't know anymore. Help me.
The stars winked at me in their usual reply, making me cry once more. It made me think of promises made and wishes that were supposed to come true. Some of them did in many ways and other never would.
Falk, forgive me about Hawkeye. I love him as I loved you. He's just like you almost, like…no, as if someone sent him to me. Did you? Did you help steer him in my direction, after so many weeks of ignoring me and seeing me in the middle of a fight? Was this to help me with the grief I felt at your passing less than a year ago? To see if I would hear or speak your name again, when I could not for so long now? Oh, my falcon, tell me something! Please tell me anything you can!
I could not take it anymore. My own thoughts and pleads twisted in my head, making it spin. I went inside the tent finally, letting in the cold air and allowing some of the other nurses to suffer, and quietly went to my cot, still crying as I laid my head down on the pillow.