I did not have the courage to visit Henry and talk with him just yet (worse, getting to Hawkeye and Radar). It took me a while to get out of his office, Radar coming in and out with paperwork for Henry to sign later on and sometimes sneaking stuff out (I didn't even catch what). He didn't bother me or even mention what he had heard from his position outside Henry's office. I just stood by that filing cabinet to keep out of the way, using it as support for my aching back, and ignored the world around me, only interested in the few colors in the white-papered world of Molly Blake.
When I did dare myself to walk out of the building to face the music, it was dark and cool outside. Already, Radar was fast asleep in his cot with his teddy bear in his arms. Night had fallen and my commanding officer (as well as my lover and light) was waiting for me to talk to him still, I figured out quickly. It had taken me hours to realize that I blew Henry, Hawkeye and Radar off. When I did see that Henry needed that conversation, I knew that I had to run to his tent as soon as I could. I might have some time with him yet.
Smacking my forehead, I dodged the night creatures of the 4077th, including Hawkeye, who only asked me silently to see him whenever I could as he went to Post-Op for a shift. I then searched for Henry's tent, hoping that he was calmer and not still pissed about me telling him to leave me and Colonel Flagg to our own devices. I doubted it in some way (Henry is so pigheaded and will stay angry for days at a time sometimes). However, it was always in his nature to forgive and forget, if he decided that getting drunk was the answer to life's little problems.
With the time passed, I think a sober Henry would have even cooled down and been more civil to me if we talked. After this afternoon's incident with Flagg, I would have loved to think Henry was well disposed to me and would be kind to me, like the time we were in Seoul (or so I hoped sincerely). I didn't want another screaming match with him, especially at night when all had their ears to the ground. I especially didn't want to deal with the gossip in the morning about it.
I walked to Henry's tent as I neared it. I didn't hear anything behind his door, not even the hushed voice of Henry when he was fooling around with Leslie Dish. I didn't want to interrupt him in the middle of a private moment with Leslie (if you wanted to call it that), so took the risk and knocked on his door with a lot of hesitation.
I heard some movement behind the door: the rustling of clothes, blankets and pillows, the grumbles of a man disturbed from something important (sleep, most likely) and something metallic being cocked back. I couldn't really comprehend what was being said, but whatever it was, I didn't think it was a good start to the conversation, especially with the nosy people in this camp. Henry being woken up and then finding me at his door was not a good sign.
"Who's there?" Henry called after a minute, still sounding as if I had woke him up from a slumber he'd rather stay in.
"It's just me, Jeanie," I called back calmly, trying to keep my beating heart from going through my chest. "I'm sorry it's late, but I had to see you."
God, Jeanie, it's just Henry Blake, the guy you knew as the medical student always bothering Lorraine before they married and had children, the married man who proved that he could not even make a decision in his own house or was sneaking into hotels with other women during conventions. It's not like he's the enemy here. He can hardly make a move against you! Why be nervous? He's not going to bite my head off…so you hope.
A sigh on the other end was heard. "Come in, Jeanie. I've been waiting for you."
I opened the door gingerly (quietly even) and walked into the tent, seeing Henry sitting up on his cot, a pistol in his hand and his sleeping clothes askew. Even the sleeping mask he usually wore to bed was tossed aside, as if he did not care about it anymore.
"Expecting the Chinese to come in, Sir?" I asked Henry, laughing somewhat merrily when seeing the scene before me. "I didn't know I was one of them, by the way Flagg was acting today."
"Jeanie, this isn't funny. Sit your little enlarging butt down. I've been waiting for you for some time now. Do you know what time it is?" Henry put the pistol back under his pillow and sighed again, his eyes bloodshot and worried.
"No, Henry. I've been otherwise directed elsewhere." I avoided the subject, trying to get Henry off the topic of me being late (as well as the unusual hour), not wanting to tell him the reason why. "I guess it's late, since Radar's asleep with his bear and the camp's usual nightlife is beginning again."
"Midnight, Jeanie," Henry growled. "You left me waiting for almost twelve hours!"
"I'm sorry, Henry," I replied sincerely. "I didn't keep track of the time. I was otherwise occupied and wasn't watching the time. And no, I wasn't with Hawkeye and Trapper in the Swamp, trying to make Frank and Margaret's lives miserable again. Now, do you want to hear about Colonel Flagg and his final decision or are you going to try to discharge me again without HQ wanting approval? I sure hope you can pull it off this time. It'll be nice to see some magic come out of that hat of yours."
Henry shook his head, smiling when he heard some of my father in me (blunt, to the point and without small talk). He then motioned me to his cot, to sit next to me. "Amuse me, Jeanie, before I fall asleep again or a bottle of scotch calls me to attention. That stuff can really make me salute, even to Major Houlihan. But don't be reporting that to her."
Ignoring Henry's sarcastic reply (as well as his pleading voice after asking me not to tell Margaret something) and the footsteps and voices of Hawkeye and Trapper outside (sounding like they were up to no good), I sat down next to Henry. I then told him what Flagg told me, saving those things I knew to be secret (as usual). I even told him about the final decision Flagg gave me, my voice growing lower and sadder when I did, especially when he threatened to kill me if I corresponded with the enemy, did something behind his back or left the country before I was told to.
When I told Henry I was to stay in Korea, most likely until the end of the war (which could be years from now), I suddenly burst into noisy tears. I didn't know why I did, but feelings I knew were kept secret, something locked away from the world and even from myself…I saw that they were now out in the open and I did not have a clue why. Something had allowed it to spill out, to come forth even when I could not bear to have it out and I could not take any more of it. I had to fend it off by releasing it, not to be the rock anymore.
Soon enough, I was telling Henry how frightened I was and how I wanted a stable life for once. Then, somehow after saying something even I could not understand, I blubbered about my newfound feelings of protecting what was mine and doing the best I could. All of a sudden, I didn't want to abort the baby, but to keep it with me always. I wanted to become a mother.
Henry took me in his arms and let me cry on his shoulder as he used to let me do, not saying a word and letting me talk and cry away and make his shoulder all wet. He then tried shushing me and telling me that everything will be ok, but he couldn't quite find the right words to say after that (Henry was always eloquent like that). He knew how unusual this was, feeling helpless that he could not send me and the baby to a safer location, some place private so that I could have my peace and quiet. So, he shut up for a while so that I could cry my heart out. He left his own feelings out of it and only acted as I've always wanted him to.
Finally, when I was spent of my tears (saving some for Hawkeye when I next saw him perhaps), I looked up. Henry's body seemed so much taller than I was feeling, my last tear for the time being trailing down my cheek as my small, mousy voice from long ago came back into my throat. I had not realized how thick my voice had become.
"I don't understand it, Henry…" I choked, my mouth thick with mucus, preventing me from speaking again.
Henry put my head on his chest, comforting me still, in the best way that he can. "I don't quite understand anything either, Jeanie. All I know is that history repeated itself, but this time, it'll be different for you and me. All I know is that you're safer than you were when you were a young teenager, living with your mother and stepfather. I'm here for you now and you don't have to worry anymore. You have Pierce's love and McIntyre's respect. Nobody can touch you anymore. He's all gone now."
I noticed that Henry didn't mention Simmons' name, scowling when he spoke his last sentence, but his face turned back to homely comfort quickly enough. Then again, he could have been talking about Clarence too. Whoever "he" was, Henry did not like him and was glad to see him vanished.
I sniffled, trying to speak once more. It was easier the second time around, thank God. "What am I going to do, Henry? Children don't belong here. I don't want to be a mother and a nurse or a spy or whatever Flagg wants at the same damned time. I want to be one or the other here. I want a home and a secure place to stay if I am not here. And here isn't what I want and –"
"We'll figure something out." Henry looked adamant. "The Army is, at this moment, trying to decide what to do with your baby after birth and I don't like it already. Since you're staying here, as Colonel Flagg has told you his decision was, then they're bound to see the baby as another threat and send it away. To them, you can raise the child any way you want to and corrupt it, just as they thought that they corrupted you. Anybody else can have it and raise the child the way they want to or the way the Army sees as neutral and unthreatening."
I wanted to cry again, but didn't dare do it, knowing that Henry was telling me the truth, without his stutter and drunkenness. I only listened to his heart beating, trying to grab the last bit of sympathy and comfort I could from him before his rigid routine turned my commanding officer back into a man made of stone. I knew what they taught him in command school, but I wanted that erased from reality. I remember it well. And we could never anything we could do to change everything, especially this.
"Oh, Jeanie, you know we'll all help you." Henry continued on, regardless of my feelings, regardless of my thoughts. "Even if you're banned from the OR for a while, you can come back a while after you pop. The enlisted men could help you if the baby stayed here and –"
"Henry, you have got to be dreaming this up or something!" I sat up, Henry's arms still around me. "We've been swamped a lot lately and we're bound to have all hands on deck, even the enlisted men, Father Mulcahy and everybody else not trained in medicine. We're three miles from the front lines! Are you kidding me? I don't want any child of mine to be here. If I can see that the children here are innocently being bombed away, then what's going to make me think that mine will be living here too?"
"There are others here who can take care of the baby," Henry pointed out.
"Yes, but how many miles away and to what cost to me?" An unwanted tear went down my cheek again. "Sister Theresa is ten miles away. A Catholic monastery is nearby, but I won't be able to see my child for long periods of times, if at all!" I pushed back a sob, trying to be strong for Henry's sake. "No, Henry. My baby must be sent out of the country. The Army, for once, might be right. I have to trust them and put my fate into their hands, as I've always done, even if what they did to me was wrong. I should never have taken the position in West Germany, even if I was ordered to. I should have refused, stayed in the US hospitals and gone to Korea without the open wounds. I should have been home by now, wherever that is, even if home was the Army since I was eighteen years old."
My hope was false, but I had to hold onto it, for my own sake as well as everybody else's. I had to believe in something, even if it was false hopes and misery.
Henry shook his head, incredulous he was hearing these words out of my mouth. "Then, let's hope that everything does go in your favor, Jeanie. I don't want to see you unhappy and regretful of your actions and not being able to change anything. I've seen it enough times. You can't afford to have anymore of that."
"My life is full of regrets, Henry, and hardship has been my lot." I sniffled again. "I am content right now, despite being here in Korea. Hopefully, I'll do my best to make you proud, even if it means giving up what I love."
As I held onto Henry tighter and put my head back on his chest, I felt something wet hit my head. When I looked up, I saw that Henry was crying too. I didn't know why, but all I could figure out was that he was tired. He was tired of the war, tired of seeing lives become shattered and tired of being the strong one. He had to break down sometime.