DISCLAIMER: I do not own any Stargate characters, ideas or themes. They all belong to MGM. I'm just playing with them a little.
Summary: Every possibility, every choice I had ever made, even choices I hadn't, led to an entirely different life until I could no longer tell reality from its alternates.
Rating: T
Spoilers: Every which way from Sunday. The entire Stargate franchise is open season. Can't really warn you cuz that would ruin the surprise, now wouldn't it?
Author's Note: From here on out, things get a bit crazy and sad. So be ready...
Also, I wanted to thank you all for all of the great reviews. They've been a great encouragement to me! Keep 'em coming! :)
Title: The Many Paths of Daniel Jackson
By: Every Me Every You
Chapter 6: What Was Lost and Found is Lost Again
"I have a bad feeling about this," I whispered to nobody in particular. However, as I always was when I let something loose that way, I was really talking to Vala because, as ever, she was the closest in earshot.
We were standing backstage at an outdoor press event, intended to introduce the heroes of the Tau'ri, the heroes of the Stargate program, to the world. Ignoring Sam's protests after her experience in the alternate universe where things had not gone well after a global reveal, the President had recently exposed the Stargate program under the belief that, while the universe was relatively at peace, a better result would be achieved. It had been a gamble, but he was correct. The large majority had received the news well. Still there were fringe protest groups popping up everywhere.
And now, we were standing backstage in a large outdoor amphitheater called Red Rocks here in Colorado, waiting to be revealed to the world as the flagship team of Stargate Command. All of us – Landry, Jack, Sam, Teal'c, Mitchell, Vala and I. Just waiting for this strange announcement. None of us wanted any glory for the things that we had done. Well…almost none of us.
"How could you possibly have a bad feeling about this, Daniel?" Vala asked, her smile dazzling as she tossed her silky curls over her shoulder and primped for her unveiling. "We have been risking our behinds for this backwater planet of yours for a very long time – far longer for some. Isn't it about time we get some recognition for it?"
"No," I said definitively, as though there was not a small part of me that took satisfaction in the idea that the work I had done in my field before stepping through the 'Gate would now finally be accepted as fact and not as mere science fiction.
"You are such a grump, Daniel," Vala shrugged. "I'm just hoping someone gives me something pretty for my troubles."
I looked at her in disbelief, only to realize that she was smirking at me. She wasn't even remotely serious. Not with that grin on her face. I knew that smile. That was the smile she gave me when she was purposely teasing me.
I bumped her shoulder with mine. She made a big show of flopping a little to her right before coming back and bumping me with hers.
"Relax," she reached up and ran a hand over my cheek, cupping my face. "It'll be fine. I know there's been a lot of frightening buildup, but a lot of worlds deal with this and are fine. This one will be fine too."
My eyes closed against the feeling of her hand on my cheek. Things had been progressing oddly between us lately. She'd begun to respect my boundaries and I had begun wishing she'd respect them less. I had never been one for being too touchy or hugging too much, but with her, it had been a dynamic that I had become used to. I missed it. So, I admit, I reveled a bit in the feeling of her hand against my cheek. Flirtation and biting remarks were the languages we spoke to each other. Without them, it was almost as though we weren't talking.
I opened my eyes and found her examining my reaction, a confounded look upon her face. She slid her hand off of my cheek with a quirky little smile and turned away from me but I caught her by the wrist before I was even sure what I was doing. "Wait."
She turned back to face me and she was practically vibrating with nerves. "What?" She giggled playfully, but it was a poor attempt. She caught her lower lip between her teeth and grimaced.
I loved her. I knew it right in that moment.
"Um…after this media circus is done, would you like to get some dinner? I really don't want to go out with people following us though. You know, 'Hey look! It's SG-1! We know them now!' So instead we should order something in. You could come to my place?" I blurted then swallowed hard.
She smiled and the nerves seem to disappear from her face, although there was something else there. Something that closely resembled disappointment. "Sure. I'll tell the guys. I'm sure they'll need a dinner to unwind after all of this."
"Not what I meant," I responded, slowly. What if she was trying to get out of it? Had I sounded like I was inviting everyone? I couldn't even remember what I had said.
"You mean…" She trailed off, eyes wide. Then her voice took on a slightly gravelly tone. "This wouldn't be another one of your non-date thingies, would it?"
"Let's be honest here," I teased, flashing her a grin. "Even if I said it wasn't a date, we both know it still would be."
A happy smile spread across her face, quick and genuine. "In that case, the answer is most certainly yes." Then, she launched herself into my arms, tossing her arms around my shoulders and, even as I tried to stop her, moved to plant a kiss on my lips.
"Not here," I shook my head vehemently.
"Lovebirds!" Jack's voice called out from the front of the line, which made me 100% sure that everyone had seen Vala's little outburst.
I looked to him and Jack had this huge smile on his face. "Daniel." I could hear it in the tone. He knew what I had just done and he was happy about it. My eyes floated to everyone down the line. All were smiling at me like I was a baby who had just taken its first steps. Even Landry.
"Good boy," Jack laughed. "If I was closer I would muss your hair. You picked a hell of a place to finally figure it out there, Spacemonkey!"
"Jack," I warned. Then a smile broke out on my face unbidden. "Yeah." I shrugged.
My friends laughed and it was like music. Especially Vala's lyrical giggle as she planted a kiss on my cheek that burned right down to my toes.
"That's our cue!" Landry who had been half listening to us and half listening for an announcement that would signal our entrance to the stage, shouted back to us, not without some level of humor. "Time to make our appearance."
"The head of Stargate Command, Major General Hank Landry!" President Hayes announced.
Landry headed out onto the stage decked out in his dress blues, looking every bit the proud papa as he stared back at the rest of us once he made it to his position on the stage.
"Former leader of SG-1, former head of Stargate Command and current Director of Homeworld Security, Major General Jack O'Neill!"
Jack, also in his dress blues, shot a sheepish glance back at me and a shrug before walking out and greeting the thunderous round of applause that met him.
"Doctor of astrophysics, engineer, former leader and former second in command of SG-1, one time operational leader of the Atlantis Expedition and commander of one of our battle cruisers, The General Hammond, Colonel Samantha Carter!"
Sam grimaced and headed out onto the stage. Mitchell turned to those of us still remaining and sighed heavily. "My intro is going to sound lame and empty next to that!"
"Current leader of SG-1, Colonel Cameron Mitchell!"
He made a little hand motion to tell us all he had called it before heading out onto the stage. Vala cupped her hand around my ear and whispered to me, her warm breath on my ear sending shivers through me that I had to fight not to react to. "Poor Cameron – forever in Jack's shadow."
I nodded to her in agreement.
"Jaffa warrior and leader of his people – a key ally that helped us to defeat the Goa'uld, Master Teal'c!"
Teal'c raised his eyebrow, looked back at Vala and I and then left, dressed in a simple brown suit, to meet his public.
"Ally against the Ori, technical wiz and tactical genius, Vala Mal Doran!"
She turned and looked at me. "Tactical genius?"
"I did your intro," I grinned. "It's all true."
She turned to me, a brilliant smile on her face and tilted her head, examining me for a moment before leaning forward, placing her hands on my shoulders, and pressing a sweet lingering kiss to my lips. When she pulled back she was grinning. She raced off in the direction of the stage, somehow managing to run in those spiky heels and the powder blue sheath dress that fit her like Saran Wrap, as I watched her go, a goofy grin on my face.
"Archeologist, master of languages, accomplished negotiator, and the man who figured out how the Stargate worked, Dr. Daniel Jackson!"
The grin immediately melted from my face. This was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever done. Absolutely ridiculous. It was like we were on a game show, being paraded out for the masses.
With a heavy sigh and a beckoning wave from Vala, I straightened my gray suit and headed out onto the stage. I took my seat on the dais beside Vala. I must've looked as troubled by this whole thing as I was, because Vala reached out and patted my hands where they rested on the table, reassuringly.
The floor was opened up to questions. We did our best to answer the public. To explain things that had happened, how they had happened and how we had defeated the enemy. I tried not to answer unless something was directed at me. Vala jumped at the chance to eloquently answer any question she had the information to answer for her adoring public. We were just so different.
And then, in the middle of a simple question that Sam was answering about the science behind the 'Gate, a gasp erupted in the crowd. They looked horrified and I began to look around to see what had just happened. It happened so quickly. I seemed to only register things one by one.
First, the blood splatter on Vala's face. Then Teal'c slumping off of his chair, having been shot in the head. I moved to react, jumping to my feet but it all felt too slow. Jack had done the same and had received a wound in his shoulder for his trouble. The shots were soundless and quick. I had no idea where they were coming from but I was trying to assess their location. And then, Vala was pulling me hard by my arm down behind the dais.
"Get down dammit!" She yelled at me. A bullet exploded through my chair just as I ducked down to her level. And when my knees hit the floor I saw it. The pool of red blood that was spreading across the stomach of the pretty powder blue dress it had taken her 2 hours to pick out.
"Vala!" I shouted. And then my attention was taken away as a bullet hit Mitchell through the dais table. Another fatal wound.
Another errant shot hit General Landry even as the Secret Service had managed to get the President to safety through a crowd of very scared people, who were trampling each other to get through the exits of the amphitheater.
"Daniel," Vala whispered, but her voice sounded wet and thick. "We need to get out of here."
I nodded. She was right. I looked across the table towards Sam. She nodded. She had Jack's arm around her shoulder and she was pulling him towards the edge of the table. Jack, at least was on his feet. Vala wasn't going anywhere on her own feet.
Unthinking, I scooped her up in my arms, even as she cringed against me, trying not to cry out in pain and draw more attention to us.
I took off at a full speed run. At this point, if whoever was firing at us killed me, I couldn't be compelled to care. Especially when I heard the sound of a body slumping to the floor behind me and Jack screaming out Sam's name in anguish. I felt a bullet tear through my suit pants, but narrowly miss me. I forced myself not to turn, not to stop until Vala and I were safely backstage again.
That's when I turned and saw Jack, staring out in my direction, cradling what was left of Sam in his arms. I nodded to him and I knew he knew. He was shaking his head at me. He knew what I knew.
Vala was next to go. It was written all over my shirt in her blood.
I turned towards her and pulled her into my arms. "God, I knew this was a bad idea. Dammit Vala, this is not the way this is supposed to go down."
She grinned weakly, but her face quickly returned to its initial grim expression. "So sorry to ruin your plans. What were they again?"
Suddenly, what I had just seen got very real, very quickly.
Tears filled my eyes, quickly overflowing onto my cheeks and poisoning my ability to speak very clearly.
This was not happening again. I was not watching somebody I loved die again. I was not losing yet another opportunity for happiness. This could not be real, because if it was, everyone I had ever loved, was either wounded or dead.
"Oh my God, they're all…you…" I muttered, trying to put together any form of coherent thought.
"Daniel," She reached out and stroked my cheek and I tried to ignore the blood I knew she had accidentally smeared on my face. "My Daniel, I'm so sorry. I think in some ways, I'm the lucky one here."
"You're going to be fine," I whispered hoarsely to her, running my hands through her hair. "You hear that?" I asked, referring to the sirens that only now seemed to be resonating in my mind. "They're going to help you."
Vala groaned horribly in pain, and it was only then that I realized that the blood hadn't simply spread. She had been hit in two different places. One in her stomach and one that I was pretty sure had hit some other vital organ, but I couldn't seem to remember my biology right now. All I could tell for sure was that, if the ambulance didn't get there soon, she was most certainly going to die.
"I don't think they're going to make it in time Daniel," She said, almost exactly as I was thinking it. She reached out and gripped me tightly to her, pulling my face close to hers. "I need to say it. If they save me, then I'll have said it and there's no harm done, but if I don't say it…."
I nodded as fast as I could, urging her on, desperate to hear what was on her mind. I gripped her hand in mine, my forehead and nose was pressed against hers.
"I love you, my Daniel," she cried.
"I love you too Vala – and that's why you need to –"
And then her lips were pressed against mine, desperately, as though she were trying to remember every second of the moment. I made the same effort.
When she pulled back, I pulled her into my arms. Almost immediately I felt her tense in my arms. "I'm sorry Vala. I'm so sorry."
And then I heard her breath release and her body relax against mine.
God help me, I didn't want to let go of her. I didn't until Jack and the paramedics pulled her from my arms.
We were the only survivors, Jack and me. I sat on the floor under the table. I wasn't crying anymore. All of my tears were left behind on Vala's shoulders.
Jack had been patched on scene. He had told the paramedics that he wasn't going to any hospital until I was fit to go with him. He was playing the tough guy too, but he was a mess. He just felt like he needed to take care of me, so he boarded up his emotions and set about handling my destruction. Jack was always one to face tragedy with a need to do something, anything.
I had been staring at the floor, listening to the world as it passed by around me – that's when I picked it up.
"They say they've got both shooters in custody," one of the paramedics gossiped. "They're bringing them to their vehicle right now."
I looked up. Made eye contact with Jack. Got to my feet. And walked. Walked to where I saw the police cars had lined up. Waited for them to return. Jack grabbed me by my elbow and pulled me into a darkened corner of the theater's box office.
"What the hell are you doing Daniel?" He had wanted to sound commanding. I could tell. He sounded exhausted.
I opened my suit jacket to reveal the Beretta, strapped into its holster. I had started carrying it on my person ever since the Lucian Alliance had put bounties on all of our heads.
"Danny, come on….I can't handle talking you down right now. You don't mean this. You'll regret it in the morning." He argued, but I could tell from his voice that he was lying. That he agreed. That he wanted me to do what I had planned.
I didn't say a word. It was almost as though I wanted my last words to be the ones I said to Vala. Instead I simply pulled my gun out of its holster and held it sideways against Jack's chest, beckoning him to take it. Telling him he had just as much of a right to think the way I was.
"Oh for crying out loud," Jack said, pulling his own gun out from a hidden holster at his ankle. "Keep yours."
The police were making their way to the cars. I immediately caught sight of the shooters. One was a known Trust operative. The other was one of the protestors I had seen on the news the night before.
I began to walk out but Jack grabbed me by the shoulder. "If anyone's going to do this, it should be me. This isn't like you, Daniel."
I felt myself let out a dry wheeze of a laugh. "I'm pretty sure I lost every bit of who I was just now. They killed Teal'c, Mitchell and Landry. They killed Sam and Vala. Do you really think they deserve our mercy?"
"No."
The ensuing trial was well worth the satisfaction of killing both of those bastards. Well worth it for both of us.
I jolted out of my sleep and didn't even pause. I simply hurtled myself out of the couch in the lab, to find myself face to face with Mitchell.
"Yo! Jackson! What's goin' on?"
I was breathing heavily and my eyes were leaking beyond my control.
It had been a whole week since my realization that this thing was going to kill me and I had seen my friends die in every way I could think of. I had seen what would have happened if I hadn't interfered when Ba'al had been killing Jack over and over again. I had seen what had happened when I was unsuccessful in my attempts to keep Sam awake when the parasites infected us and she died. I had watched as Teal'c was destroyed by Apophis almost immediately after choosing to help us. I had seen Cam die of the Prior plague and had watched helplessly as Vala was burned alive, all because I had never thought to mention that we were from another galaxy.
I was pretty sure I couldn't stand another week of this.
"Bad one," I muttered, pushing past Mitchell and heading towards the door of the lab.
"Whoa there sunshine! Where the hell do you think you're goin'? I'm not to let you out of my sight. Doctor's orders."
"Whatever Cam," I argued and turned away before thinking better of it and turning back towards him. "Never allow SG-1 to be revealed to the public. I mean the members of SG-1 – nobody should ever know who we are. Got it? Tell whoever will listen."
"Um…why?" He asked. He was giving me that look everyone had been starting to hone this last week. The "are you still sane?" look.
"Because if you don't we'll all die. Well…you'll all die," I explained. "I have to talk to Vala. I'm going right to Vala's quarters. I will not stop in between. But you're going to let me go."
I took off down the hallway, only pausing long enough to hear Mitchell's witty comment. "Well, sure, if you're gonna Jedi mind trick me."
When I made it to Vala's quarters, I knocked three times before rushing off to my own quarters, where I had stashed the secret keycard I had to her room. I'd had it made back in the days when she was known to misbehave. I never used it normally, but this seemed like an important occasion.
Rushing back to her quarters, I slid the key card through the reader and gained entrance to a Vala-less room. Damn it! Where was she?
My balance pitched suddenly and as I slammed into the wall, I realized I was about to journey into another vision. I fought it, tried to stay conscious, but before I knew it I was tunneling out of reality and all I had time to do was to collapse onto Vala's bed before everything around me seemed to disappear.
"Jackson!"
I jolted awake. I had been sleeping on my desk, my face stuck to a book about the Clava Thessara Infinatus. I looked up to find Mitchell, Teal'c and Sam staring back at me.
"Any word?" I asked, my voice still gravelly from sleep.
Mitchell paused, looking around hesitantly. I looked to Sam and back to him and I knew something was terribly wrong. Even Teal'c was visibly upset.
"We received the DNA results from the blast site," Mitchell shook his head. "I'm sorry. Vala was in the Trust safe house when it exploded. I wish I could tell you she wasn't."
I heard the words, but I didn't seem capable of making sense of them. I cleared my throat. "I really thought we'd find her."
"We know Daniel," Sam patted my shoulder.
"Um…I need some time," I said, struggling with the lump in my throat. I heard the way my voice ground out. Everyone knew what this was doing to me but nobody would ask. And Jack wasn't here to read my mind. Although I was pretty sure he would be in short order.
"We understand, DanielJackson," Teal'c nodded. "ValaMalDoran will be greatly missed."
I nodded, trying to keep the tears I felt surfacing from revealing themselves in front of them. They had barely filed out of the room when I couldn't hold it back anymore.
My eyes opened to the dim light of a bedside lamp and the soft bedding surrounding me. I was tucked into a bed, but it wasn't mine. I hadn't bothered to improve on the standard issue bedding on the bed in my quarters.
"Daniel?" Vala's gentle voice spoke from the other side of the bed. I turned to face her where she was sitting against the headboard beside me. "Are you alright?"
I scoffed. "Alright? What does that mean these days?"
"Well, relatively speaking," she elaborated as I sat up on the bed, leaning against the headboard beside her.
I looked over my shoulder at her to find that our faces were now alarmingly close. "No."
"What happened?" She asked, her voice a whisper, now well aware of the constant drumming headache that got stronger with every vision. She ran a hand through my hair and over my cheek and my brain flashed over to when we were waiting backstage and she had done the same.
But that wasn't real. I knew because Vala was looking at me and talking to me, not dead in my arms. And I liked this reality better, so it had to be the real one, right?
Or I was tricking myself into believing that it was the real world so I didn't have to face the fact that Vala was dead.
A tear tracked down my cheek against my will.
"Daniel," she wiped at the tear. "What are you doing here?"
"What?"
"Cameron said you were looking for me, but when I came here you were unconscious on my bed. So, what happened?"
She was gazing at me with very concerned eyes. I turned to face her a little more fully and she did the same.
"I had a really bad one. A really bad vision. It scared the hell out of me."
She nodded. "Cameron said something about everybody dying."
"Yeah," I nodded, placing my hands on her shoulders, the panic rising within me again. "I had to come here…I had to make sure you were alright. I couldn't remember which was real. I needed to make sure you were still here. "
"I'm fine," Vala smiled weakly. "I mean, as fine as I can be."
"Considering?" I asked, narrowing my eyes and examining her, looking for any signs that she was ill.
She shook her head and almost knocked me upside mine, but her hand stopped just short. "Right, headache. Hitting you in the head would just be too mean. Even if you deserve it."
I continued to stare at her, puzzled. Had I forgotten something I was supposed to know?
"I'm worried about you, you idiot," she grumbled. "How could you not know that?"
Realization washed over me, like the feeling of walking into the warm sun, fresh out of the 'Gate. Of course she was. She had risked her life for mine countless times, her first thought was always of me. I closed my eyes and let a small smile make its way across my face, even as she stared on completely bewildered by my strange behavior.
"You know, I always thought I was a silly game to you. I always thought you were going to use me up and throw me away."
Her expression twisted to anger very quickly and I had to speed my words up before she actually did hit me in the head.
"Stop, wait, let me finish," I rushed. "I always knew how good a person you were. I could see through your badass act from the beginning. That's why you always exasperated me when you played it up. But I guess I always thought, from the way things had started off between us, that though we were friends, if I had…ever…let on to any real feelings for you, you would laugh. Mock me. Think I was crazy. Tell me that this strange thing between us was only ever meant to be some wacky flirtation and not real. And I would be…broken."
She shifted uncomfortably but held my gaze. I reached out and stroked her cheek, lovingly. "But that's not who you are or how you feel at all, is it? And I was always too scared to move on, or simply unable to believe that I ever could, to see you clearly. How could I miss this?"
Her eyes filled with tears, but she managed to hold them from spilling over onto her cheeks. "I don't know. Did it never occur to you that when Athena had taken me that you were the only person who could bring me home? The only person that made me remember? How could you miss how much I love you?"
I shook my head, overwhelmed by her admission. "You do, don't you? And I just woke up from a vision in which everyone but Jack and I died a horrible death, and all I could think to do when I woke up was to get to you so I could see you, so I could feel that you were still warm and alive." With every word I had spoken I had moved closer to her until our noses were bumping and our lips were a mere centimeters away from each other. "So I could have the chance to tell you how much I loved you before it was too late, before I missed my chance. I love you so much." By that point my words had begun to smell of desperation and when our lips finally crashed together it was passionate and powerful and I found myself quickly pulling her body against mine as my tasting of her deepened into a complete exploration of her mouth with my tongue.
I was caught up with all of the feelings and emotions that came in a rush from kissing Vala. Exhilaration, lust, love…so much love…and relief. Every time her tongue tangled with mine, I was another step closer to actually believing that she was alive in my arms. I pulled her closer to me, tipped us back onto the bed, pulling her on top of me as I did.
The minute we hit the bed together, she pulled back, dislodging herself from my arms, which had had her locked in a rather crushing embrace I hadn't intended on.
She sat up against the headboard again, her legs clasped almost cartoonishly together, her hands holding them together so tightly I almost rolled my eyes. "I-I-I can't do this."
I sat back up again to face her, my heart dropping to the pit of my stomach. For a moment I foolishly wondered if she had actually been playing with me like I had always believed. "What? What do you mean?"
"I can't be with you," Vala shook her head. "I love you very much, Daniel. Enough that if you were to get better from whatever that device is doing to you, if you were to get through this and decide that any feelings you had for me were based on the visions you were having, I honestly couldn't take it. Consummating any relationship between us would only make things worse for me." She let her legs drop to the side and began picking lint from her clothes. "I'm sorry. I know it's not your fault. I know you came here looking for something and I'm very sorry I can't provide it."
Her explanation floored me. I felt my throat go dry and I struggled to speak through the lump in my throat. "Oh God Vala, you've already given me everything I need." And then, the reality of this situation hit me. This was only going to get worse. For me and for her. And she was willing to stand by me. She was willing to make sure I was ok no matter what it meant for her.
Tears started to build yet again. I reached out to cup her face in my hand. "I know you can't let yourself believe me, but I want you to know – the love I have for you existed long before I started these visions. My fear of that love was one of the reasons I was trying to run. I'm not going to leave you now. I promise. We are in this together. Till the bitter end. Unless you don't want to be."
"How could I ever not want to be?" She shook her head, rolling her eyes a little. "Now Daniel," she said, running her hands sweetly through my hair in an attempt to calm me, "tell me about this vision you had."
The images from the morning's first vision rushed to my mind. I felt the sorrow I felt watching my friends picked off one by one. I felt the horror of feeling Vala die in my arms. And the happiness, before any of the shooting started, at the start of my new relationship with her.
"It doesn't matter," I said, struggling to keep the tears in as another overwhelming wave of emotions struck me. My God, I was really losing my mind. My words quickly spiraled out of control. "It doesn't matter because we changed it. Before you died, you told me you loved me for the first time, but you've already said it. You've already said it so it won't be the first time? Right Vala? There's no way that could really be my reality, right?"
By the time the words were out, the tears were streaming down my cheeks in torrents. Before I knew what was happening, Vala had me laying across her lap as she stroked my hair, whispered only good things and told me that I was right, there was no way that could be real, there was no way because she was there, telling me she loved me right now.
As I drifted off to sleep it was with fear that another vision was coming or worse, that I would wake up and this would be a vision, that none of the love and support I was getting from Vala here was ever actually real.
TBC