DISCLAIMER: I do not own any Stargate characters, ideas or themes. They all belong to MGM. I'm just playing with them a little.
Summary: Every possibility, every choice I had ever made, even choices I hadn't, led to an entirely different life until I could no longer tell reality from its alternates.
Rating: T
Spoilers: Every which way from Sunday. The entire Stargate franchise is open season. Can't really warn you cuz that would ruin the surprise, now wouldn't it?
Author's Note: Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews. They definitely have me at a point where when I posted on Saturday instead of Friday last week (because real life always gets in the way) I felt bad! LOL - Thanks for the support. I'm still fairly new at this so it's good to know I'm doing a decent job! XOXOXO, Justine
Title: The Many Paths of Daniel Jackson
By: Every Me Every You
Chapter 9: Down the Barrel
A gun is a very strange and powerful thing. Especially mine. My Beretta, my sidearm, something I've counted on for countless missions in countless lifetimes, something that had saved my life many times, would end it. It was hard to believe. And yet it wasn't. It had a certain poetry.
There were noises in the hallway outside of the armory, and they were trying to re-enable the door lock I had jammed. One of the perks of that one life, one of the ones I had experienced in the week after I had realized this was how it was going to end, where circumstances had forced Vala and I to survive by her way of life. It had been a disconcerting way to live, but it had taught me a few things.
I had needed to jam the lock. I needed time. For all the poetry dying by my sidearm had, there was something cold about a gunshot wound to the head. This wasn't the first time I had though of doing something like this. There was that one time on my balcony…and that time in that particular foster home…but jumping off of a ledge or loading up on as much prescription medication as I could possibly take were way more peaceful ways to go.
This was violent. Bloody. Immediate. This was not the way I would have wanted it if given the choice, but it was the only way I was going to stop my friends from stopping me.
And I needed to keep them away from this. Needed to do this before they got through that door. Because I knew they could stop me. It would be so much harder seeing their faces as I did it.
They wouldn't understand that I was trying to keep them from having to take care of me. That I was trying to keep them from watching me hurt myself…or them. It had been so hard to see Sarah fall apart after Osiris had been removed from her. It had been so hard to watch Sha're fall apart after Amaunet had been removed from her. It had been so hard to watch Mitchell go through what I was going through right now. That had ended very much the same way as this would. I knew how it would feel for them. It would hurt them. I was saving them pain.
I had come to a realization on a few things. And I had written them all in my journal. Someone would clean out my office. Someone would pick up my journal and read it…most likely Vala. Someone would find the suicide note I had written there.
Vala…shit, Vala! This was horrible, but she was already falling apart watching me for two weeks. The thought occurred to me that I was doing the same thing Sha're had done to me after two years of trying to become normal again. Instead of making me regret my decision, it only strengthened it. I now forgave Sha're for making that choice. I only hoped Vala would see this for what it was and what it was not. I would miss her. I would miss Jack. I would miss all of them. So much. I had no idea where I was going, no idea what I believed, or I believed everything – it really depended on which reality I was in at the time.
It was now or never. The pounds against the door were ever-increasing in volume and there was work being done to sever the engagement of the lock. I moved the gun up to my temple and mentally said goodbye to all of my friends, the cold barrel of the gun pressed there. My finger moved to the trigger and I prepared to pull. Strange how this was the most lucid I had been in two weeks.
"Don't move a muscle, Danny," Jack's voice sounded closer to me than I wanted to acknowledge. "Don't move a damned muscle." His voice was cold and low, which told me he was less my friend right now and more the soldier.
Despite all of Jack's whimsy and weirdness, he was still fairly predictable at times. I didn't even need to look up to know he had his gun trained on me as though that would solve anything at all.
The situation was tense. My insanity allowed me a smile as I turned to face him, the cold metal still pressed to my skull.
I was right. He was pointing a gun my way.
"Do you really think I want to see this, Daniel? Do you really thing I can frickin' see this?" Jack asked, and the coldness in his eyes told me what I had made him think of and it both hurt and soothed that little bit of me that had felt abandoned when he had left that seeing me with this gun to my head actually triggered in his mind any memory of Charlie.
Tears again. Always tears. I scoffed a little at his behavior, lost as to how to help him deal with this. "What are you going to do Jack? Shoot me?"
"Better me than you," he answered without a second's thought.
"Shooting me would be counterproductive," I answered, "and you know that. It's exactly what I want."
"What you want?" He spat as the others poured into the room behind him and around him. All looking horrified by the scene in front of them, even Teal'c and most especially Vala, who stood by Jack's side, her eyes imploring him to find a way to stop what I was doing. "How could you possibly even know what you want? You're in a million places at once!"
"Not in a million places," I corrected, feeling the need to make him understand the distinction clearly, feeling like maybe it would help him understand. "In one place, having a million experiences, a million lives, a million memories. They are here. I can't forget them. And they change my perspective on all of it when I can sort it out. So I'm wiser, when I can make sense of them, and when they overwhelm me I'm all the more insane."
"Daniel," he urged, that silent communication we were famous for telling me that he had no idea what I had just said and he didn't care. He just wanted me to lower the gun.
I wasn't completely sure I had any idea what I had just said.
"No. I have to do this," I answered simply. "You won't shoot me, so you won't stop me."
There was a moment where I thought I was actually going to succeed in this fool's quest of mine. And then she spoke.
"He won't, but I will," Vala called my attention. And then she did the stupidest, craziest thing I've ever seen her do in any reality…ok, that wasn't completely true. She pulled a gun and pressed it against Jack's head. "He won't shoot you, but I will shoot him."
"Vala!" Sam shouted.
"Princess, what the hell?"
"ValaMalDoran, what are you trying to accomplish with this?"
Jack's eyes simply ticked towards my raven-haired beauty, his expression taken over by one I actually couldn't read this time.
"Drop the gun now, Daniel," She commanded, her voice quivering and tight, and I felt perhaps I had finally pushed her to the edge. "Drop the gun or I will kill him and Sam will most certainly kill me, and there will be all sorts of bloody adventure here."
My jaw slackened, my grip on the gun loosened and for the first time since I'd come here my hands began to shake. This was the exact opposite of what I was trying to cause here, wasn't it? Would she really do something like this? I couldn't tell – I didn't know what a Vala in love with a suicidal Daniel would do to stop him…but I did know that she was a very determined woman, and if she wanted to stop me, she would.
"Y-y-you wouldn't," I tried, although I wasn't entirely sure that was a true statement.
"What exactly do you think I have to lose right now, Daniel?" She asked. Her voice cracked as she spoke and I knew she was serious. "Drop the gun now, or I'll make life very miserable for all of us whether you survive or not."
My eyes locked on hers. They were quivering with determination and fear. I lowered the gun to my side.
I knew I'd never be able to do this if I had to look them in the eye.
"Cameron take the gun," Vala commanded, flicking the wrist of the hand that was holding the gun she had aimed at Jack.
"Vala," Mitchell breathed.
"Now!"
He walked up to me and pulled the gun from my hand. "Never, ever do that again, buddy," he said, his hand clapping my shoulder hard. "There's never a reason for that." He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head before walking away.
"Muscles," Vala called. "Stand close to him. Be prepared to restrain him if necessary."
Teal'c nodded though his obvious frustration and walked to the other side of me without a word.
A small smile cracked across Vala's face then and she heaved a huge sigh of relief, lowering her gun immediately. "God, I wasn't sure that was going to work!" She laughed.
Jack and Sam shot her angry glances on either side of her. She looked between the two of them and rolled her eyes.
"What? I wasn't actually going to do it! Exactly who do you think I am?" Vala scoffed. "I just needed him to believe I would do it."
"Damn con artist," I muttered, shaking my head and lowering my eyes to the floor. She'd certainly had me fooled. I guess that's what I got for basing so much on someone who lied for a living. Of course I understood that her insane risk there had had everything to do with her need to keep me safe…and on one hand I appreciated it. Another, more twisted side of me did not.
"You could have fooled me Vala!" Sam shouted, clearly angry for having been put through the panic of a lifetime.
"For crying out loud, ya damn space pirate!" Jack grumbled. "I thought that might be the case, but…for a second…"
"P-p-p-poker face," Vala grinned, handing off her gun to Sam's waiting hand. "You can't read mine."
"You would be a Gaga fan," Jack rolled his eyes as though that was her worst offense of the day.
"Princess, you just got awfully giddy," Mitchell questioned as Sam walked to the wall phone and informed General Landry that everything was under control. "Is there something you aren't cluin' us in on?"
"Yes," she smiled, triumphantly. "I know how to save my Daniel!"
"What?" That caught my attention. "How?"
"Well, the doctors said that everything he is going through now is the result of the severe emotional and factual overload of the last two weeks, right?" Vala started, addressing the room and virtually ignoring me. "Now that the device is turned off and he isn't getting any new information, everything would be better if we could simply make these last two weeks go away."
"You're a damn genius Princess." Cam shook his head, a slow smile beginning to creep it's way across his face. Well, I guess he got it.
"ColonelCarter," Teal'c spoke up, "what would occur if DanielJackson's memory of the last two weeks were to somehow be…misplaced."
So Teal'c got it too. Sam was grinning from ear to ear. It looked like Jack and I were left alone in the dark – a rare combination.
"Does somebody want to give me a hint on what you're all thinking?" Jack shouted suddenly, making everyone in the room jump a little.
"We use the Galeran memory device," Sam cheered. "We effectively reset Daniel's memories so that none of this ever happened!"
It made sense. It was a great idea. A logical, well-thought plan from Vala. And it made her my hero on top of everything else, because I didn't feel like I could live with the pain in my head anymore, with the horrible nightmares repeating themselves over and over again in my mind. Even the well-lived lifetimes were difficult to live through, because they weren't this life, so they mucked up everything I was trying to do here.
She had found a way to restore me to who I had been before this mess, and yet, as my eyes met hers once again, I couldn't help but argue against her. I couldn't lose her. "The entire two weeks…would all be gone? Everything?"
Vala stepped towards me now, not bothering to try to hide anything from any of our friends…as though we hadn't already been more than obvious in the past. She tenderly took my face in her hands and pressed a kiss to my lips. When she pulled back she pressed her forehead against mine. "Ever since I realized that I loved you, I have dreamed that you would love me back. I never thought you could, so you can't imagine how overjoyed I was when you told me you loved me."
I took her hands in mine. I focused solely on her to anchor myself to this moment because I knew it was important.
"The idea," Vala continued, "that you would consider living in this nightmare because you're scared to lose what we've started is beyond that. The depths of your love has floored me. But we can't know what memories of me are connected to what has happened to you and I can't take the chance that knowing any of this will pull you back down. I can't take that risk."
I was overwhelmed by her words. She was talking about being floored by my sacrifices, but she had no idea what her sacrifice was doing to me. "So selfless," I teased through the lump in my throat, running my fingers through her hair gently. "Who knew?"
She laughed. "I love you."
"I love you," I said to her and our eyes met for a moment before both of us nodded our assurance to each other. I turned to the rest of the people in the room. "How do we do this?"
"We need to get the device from Area 51. I'll ready the machine. We should probably film something like we did with Vala, to make sure you know this was something you agreed to," Sam suggested. "You'll probably need a medical evaluation. And you probably need to prepare yourself personally for what you are about to do."
"Yeah," I agreed, looking from where Vala's hand squeezed mine to Vala and back to Sam. "There's that."
"Cam, head to Area 51to get the device," Sam asked. "Use the Hammond. I'll have them beam you up and beam you back down. I want to get started as soon as possible."
"On it!" Mitchell nodded, heading off through the door. "Damn good to have a plan again!"
I stifled a smile. It was true. I was almost starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Almost.
"Why don't you guys keep Daniel company in his quarters until I've caught General Landry and Dr. Lam up?" Sam suggested, heading for the door.
"Yes, make sure I'm not a danger to myself," I sighed.
"You should not say that as though you are not," Teal'c stated pointedly.
Vala and Jack smirked at that statement.
"Fair enough," I nodded, following Sam out of the door, flanked by Vala and Jack and followed closely by Teal'c.
"You're wonko, you know?" Jack told Vala.
"I know," she nodded.
"How did you even know where I was?" I asked Jack, "Not that I'm not grateful."
"You entered the wrong code into the armory keypad 5 times," he answered with a shrug.
"We figured it was because you couldn't figure out which reality's armory you were opening," Vala added.
"Yeah," I nodded, "IDC's would be a bitch."
"Splat!" Vala mimed walking into the iris with a laugh and I couldn't help but laugh in return.
"Good to see you smile, Danny boy," Jack tapped me on the back.
"Indeed," Teal'c added.
It was about an hour before Sam called me back into the room to record my video. At first, sitting in the room with Jack, Teal'c and Vala, I felt almost fine – almost like I could cope with this latest hiccup on the ridiculous roller coaster ride that was my life. And then, it started again. I started getting confused. I would find myself unsure of what the current situation was and what we were waiting for. I would find myself feeling imprisoned or become unaware of whole people in the room with us.
A reminder that I really needed this plan to work.
When I made it to the room where I would record the video, Vala, Jack and Teal'c chose to wait outside. I made my way in and sat in front of the camera, looking behind it at Sam, who smiled reassuringly at me.
"What the hell do I say?" I asked with a chuckle. "How can I explain this to him? Um…me?"
"You can't," Sam walked around the camera and sat on the table in front of me, her hand resting on mine. "You shouldn't. You want to be able to go back to mostly who you were before. You don't want to carry any of this with you. If you say too much…you could alter things. I mean, if you really wanted to that would be different. But this is all way too much for you to explain, and without a full context, how could you understand?"
I nodded, deciding to take her advice.
"Ok, let's get started," she said, running around the table and starting the camera. "Take your time Daniel."
Sitting in front of the camera, its lens staring back at me, was akin to looking down the barrel of a gun whose trigger I was about to pull. And that was what I was about to do, wasn't it? Relatively pull the trigger on the past two weeks. It was better than using a real gun. I could barely admit to myself that I had previously considered that option.
My throat was dry. I took a sip from the glass of water that had been placed in front of me by Sam. I took a deep breath and let it out. Finally, I spoke, even as all of the possible things I could say spun out of control within me. I could hear the insanity permeating my voice, my mannerisms, the order of my words. There was no way for me to control it.
"If you are listening to this now, you should know that you did this to yourself. It was all your idea. Well, other people thought about it and gave you options, but you chose it. All on your own. So believe them. It's true. Believe me, you wouldn't want what they're pulling out anyway. It's too much. Too much all at once. No air. No breaks. Just a million and one different this ways and thats curling around in my head until I couldn't breathe anymore.
"If you haven't figured it out by this point, I believe I am quite literally insane. There is nothing to hold onto anymore. Every possibility, every choice I had ever made, even choices I hadn't, led to an entirely different life until I could no longer tell reality from its alternates. Who am I really? I guess you tell me. You would know better.
"Not like you ever know better about anything. You push and you argue and you don't see what's of value in your life. But I do. How could I not? I've lost everything and regained it. I can't unsee what I have seen. But maybe you can. Just don't lose sight of what's important to you. You see subterfuge where there is none and undervalue the feelings of everyone around you. You shouldn't. Everything you were thinking was wrong. Besides, what can distance do except bring guilt when there is nothing you can do?"
Sam's carefully measured, kind but worried voice cut me off. "Ok, Daniel. That's enough. I think we've got what we need. Possibly a little more than we wanted. Do you want to lie down for a second? Dr. Lam can give you something to help you sleep."
God yes. Sleep would quiet down the riot in my head. "Please Sam," I begged, "please shut it off."
She promised me that she would.
"Clean bill of health, aside from the effects of the continued lack of sleep," Dr. Lam explained, waving the syringe in front of me that held the beginning of the end of this madness. "But this, should help that problem."
I looked around at everybody waiting around my hospital bed. SG-1, past and present and General Landry waited there for me. I realized what I needed to say…what was important, for the first time in a long time. "Thank you guys, for everything you've done for me these past two weeks. For taking care of me. You're my family. I love each and every one of you."
"And you're ours," Sam nodded. The rest of the group smiled reassuringly. Did they know? Was it possible that they could know how scared I was? I was trying very hard not to show it.
Vala and Jack were the closest to me, lined up on the other side of my bed from Dr. Lam.
"Vala?" I croaked out, the fear making my voice shake. I reached out and took her hand in mine. "What about us?"
She leaned over, pressing a kiss to my forehead, gently. "We'll find our way back."
"That's funny," I smiled through the tears forming in my eyes again. "I said the very same thing to you when we were setting time back on the Odyssey. "
"You were right," Vala grinned.
"Promise me you will be this time," I begged. "Don't let me be a jackass for much longer."
She pressed a sweet kiss to my lips, whispering against them. "I promise."
I nodded, looking to Dr. Lam. "I'm ready."
She leaned over and injected the fluid from the syringe into my waiting IV. I felt a warm rush pass through my arm, and immediately started feeling odd.
Suddenly struck with a memory, my hand shot out, grabbing onto Jack's forearm. "Don't let me leave."
"Leave? What?" Jack asked confused.
"My journal…you can't let me leave," I tried to explain, but my lips had started to feel numb and I couldn't make the proper words form.
I could almost make out Jack turning towards Vala for an explanation before my eyes began to close of their own accord. As I drifted, I realized that when I woke up, this nightmare would be over.
A/N: Next week is the final chapter! :)