Hey thanks for all the reviews so far! I love 'em and i really appreciate them =)

Here's chapter 17; should have 18 up around mid week next week? I'm going to be out of town for the holiday, but i should be back to my computer by the middle of nenxt week.

Hope you enjoy; let me know what ya think

After
The worst is over now, and we can breathe again
I want to hold you high, you steal my pain away
'Broken' by Seether
_

"What are you doing?"

Natalie looked up in the kitchen to see a still-groggy looking Billy shuffling through the living room. He was shirtless, wearing only some jeans, but she liked that.

"Making breakfast; just what it looks like"

"…but why're you awake? I know you slept like shit last night," he accused, dropping onto a stool.

True. It had taken a while for her to settle down and completely relax, and then Billy's phone continued to go off with check-ins from the guys, rousing them at random intervals.

"I know…I just have to do something. Like…I don't want to just lay there. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up so I wouldn't sit there dwelling on it…I figured cooking breakfast was constructive."

Billy nodded.

"Thanks then," he shrugged.

...

That was a few days ago now and Natalie was still being as constructive as she could as often as she could. She preferred to stay busy with the incident always in the back of her mind rather than do nothing and have time to wallow in it. She focused on school even more, spent time doing things with Paige or Baggy and the guys when Billy wasn't around, or went out with friends from school to shop or grab dinner or something. Most of all, she did her best to ignore the result of that night.

She pretended not to notice that she wasn't left alone; someone was always around.

They did a good job of keeping It casual, but she'd noticed…and then promptly began to pretend she didn't see how intentional it was. Guys had hung around the apartment before even when Billy ran out, but now someone always "happened" to stop in when Billy had to go somewhere. A couple times guys had even shown up at school. This was fairly common of Billy or Baggy, but now she'd given Bodie a mini-tour of campus and forced Tommy to stop hitting on college chicks. Even Dog, who she'd never really liked, she'd caught checking in, even though he'd wished to play it off.

"…want to grab lunch then?" she asked, leaning over to talk to him through the window of his car - she almost hadn't recognized it.

"Nah"

"Have you had lunch?"

"No"

"Then come on"

She grabbed his arm to pull on and he grumbled but took the keys and got out anyway. He refused to order anything in the food court but when she pushed half of her lunch in front of him he couldn't help it and practically inhaled the food.

"So you were hungry"

"Yeah…been doin' some extra work, less tiem to do basic shit - hey, knock it off," he ordered, seeing her guilty look.

"Well-"

"Shut it. It's fucked up, alright - those guys….fuckin' cowards, too. I'll feed 'em their god damn hearts if I can. I ain't down with that shit - messin' with girls. Fucked up," he muttered again.

"Well …thanks…"

"Don't fuckin' thank me. I'd skip on sleep for a week if Billy needed me to on this. You're surprised…yeah, guess we've never hit if off," he sighed with a short chuckle.

"Not really," Natalie agreed.

"Well…some asshole fucked with my sister when we were just in high school - it messed her up for a long time. I ain't a saint and neither are my friends, but that's just one thing I'll never do and I can't fuckin' stand it."

Natalie nodded slowly.

"Look…don't go talkin' to Billy about it, huh? I know it's not like he'll mind or whatever, but I don't talk to the guys about it…I didn't know most of them back then. It's my business."

"Yeah, don't worry. That's not my story to tell"

He nodded approvingly and they chatted idly until her class.

So now she was at ease with Dogg, which she liked, but she tried to just act like the guys' presence was nothing but casual.

Billy knew and was thankful. He'd worried she'd be resistant and want privacy and independence, but she was letting him handle things the way he knew how. She didn't ask - probably didn't want to know - just how he was handling things and he was thankful for that, too; he wouldn't tell her the whole truth if she did ask.

Honestly it was slow-going. Ideally he'd just like to storm their place (which they had yet to fine) and take most of the gang down at once, but it was looking like they might just stat picking bastards off. Everyone was fighting impatience; they knew it was best to just destroy the capital, so to speak -the heart - but that was proving difficult and they all wanted to fucking do something already.

"What're you doing?" Natalie asked, following her nose out of the bathroom to find Billy standing over the stove in jeans and a black long sleeve shirt.

"Makin' breakfast….well, trying?" he amended since he wasn't exactly sure this was going as planned.

"Really?"

"Sure. I'm competent," he shrugged, glancing over his shoulder to see she was ready for class. "You look good."

She took the compliment with a smile and dropped a hand to his waist to kiss his shoulder. This was typically the time Billy would turn around and give her a proper kiss - or he would have - but now he just continued to poke the eggs around. He was letting her initiate things as far as the physical, letting her ease back into things as she wanted them. He definitely wasn't about to try and get in her pants right now - he didn't even want to while damn Riley was fresh in her memory; he didn't want her mind going there while she was with him. And they hadn't discussed anything at length so he didn't know what was too far; therefore, he decided to let her decide and do shit about it. He figured it was good, right. It'd let her take control as far as what happened to her body. Sounded just Oprah-like enough to be right.

He didn't know if all the non-talking about it was healthy, but he sure as hell didn't want to talk about what he'd seen or the way he'd felt unless she made him. He wasn't sure if it was healthy for her, either, but it's not like she was denying it had happened, she was just trying to move on; plus, for all he knew, she talked to Paige about it. They were best friends, after all, and friends helped each other through things. Bodie had asked Billy more than once if he was okay, how he was dealing. He always got the same answer: that as long as they'd catch the fuckers and keep Natlaie safe, he'd be just fine. If he could off them and ensure they wouldn't touch her again, he'd be able to forgive himself…

"This is shit. Just say it"

"No it's not - hey, that's my plate," Natalie snatched it back, laughing, when Billy tried to take it.

"I can take you out to breakfast. It'll be better."

"This tastes just fine," she insisted.

Sure, there seemed to be something a little off about the eggs, but salt and pepper hid that, and the bacon was good, if a little charred.

"Ya don't have to pussy-food around me; it's pretty hard to hurt my feelings," he rolled his eyes, sitting back down to continue eating.

"Billy, it's good. And it was a nice thing to do"

"Guess you're rubbin' off on me some"

Natalie laughed a little and kept eating. She didn't even take Bill's insistence that his feelings wouldn't be hurt seriously. She was pretty sure he'd be a little wounded if he'd stepped out of his norm to make a breakfast only for her to refuse to eat it.

"Thanks again. It's nice to have a real breakfast before class"

She leaned over to give him a soft kiss on the mouth. Though surprised, he reciprocated and grinned into the kiss, even though he silently hoped for more.

Natalie, too, had hoped for more but pulled away and took her dishes to the sink.

"You remember I'm going to Julia's for dinner?"
"Yeah"

"And you're the one who's insisted on driving me over so please don't be late."

"I won't," he rolled his eyes at her doubt.

"See you later, then. Behave."

"Shut up," he muttered, though she just laughed and grabbed her jacket and bag to go.

"Call or somethin' when ya wanna leave," Billy instructed, pulling up to Julia's house.

"Okay"

"Before I forget, Jamie wanted to know if you'll watch his brat this weekend. He's going to try and see what the hell's gotten into her damn mom; heard she'd outta the city."

"Still? Who watches her?"

"His old man during the day - I've let him off easy bout doin' night shit the last couple days; his sister was in town for a while to help but she had to get back home," Billy sighed, annoyed any of this drama was even at his feet. "See, his dad watches her at his shop during the day but he doesn't take her home because Jamie's mom pretty much disowned him when he joined the gang and wants nothing to do with him. Anyway, think about it"

"All weekend?"

"Depends how finding his ex-girl goes, I guess"

"Well I'm assuming you don't want me staying as his place"

"No"

"…so she'd have to stay with us…in your apartment…"

"Yeah"

"Maybe in Joe's bed…"

"Joe fuckin' loves kids; he won't mind"

Natalie smiled at that; everyone had been mentioning Joe more recently since he was getting out soon and she was getting excited to meet him.

"Then I'm okay with it if you are"

"I don't care"

"Yes you do," Natalie nodded knowingly. "Think about it. Tell him yes if you're good with it."

He nodded and she stepped out of the car and let herself up to the cozy little house with a small wave back at him.

"Hi!"

Logan greeted loudly, popping up at the end of the hall to wave wildly before running away to the living room again.

"Nat?"

"Yup, just me," she confirmed, finding Julia in the kitchen.

"Okay, good; I figured since I was sure I'd locked the door. How's it going? It's been a while now."

"It has, huh?"

"Yeah…you can't do that; I worry," Julia laughed.

"Aw, then call; phone goes both ways."

"But I can't be the nagging sister-in-law; I have to be a cool sister in law like Connor was the cool brother."

"Well don't worry about that, I think you're pretty cool," Natalie laughed. "What about you, Logan, do you think mommy's pretty cool?"

"Way cool," he confirmed, flashing the ladies a thumbs-up.

"Well there ya go," Natalie laughed.

"Nat-lee, where's Billy?"

"He's at his own home"

"How come? Doesn't he want dinner with us?"

"Well he's just busy; he has things to do and other friends to have dinner with"

"But I miss him," Logan pouted.

Julia rolled her eyes but Natalie thought it was kind of cute, even if it was misguided.

"I'll make sure to tell him that"

"Good"

Logan was then distracted and went off to play so the girls finished dinner and once they ate said dinner Logan ran off to his room to play.

"Door!" he shouted delightedly as they were loading the dishwasher.

There had been a knock on the door and then someone let themselves in.

"Grandma!"

Natalie froze and looked at Julia, hoping this wasn't happening. The blonde cringed slightly, having the grace to look just a little guilty.

"What did you do?"

"She's been nagging, Nat. She's so worried…I figured it'd be okay if she came over after dinner because I didn't figure you'd stay that late anyway since you have class and I have work…"

Natalie gave her sister in law a severe look and shook her head as she heard her mother coming down the hall. Logan was chatting quietly and finally her mother emerged from the little front foyer with Logan on her hip. She deposited him in the living room before coming into the kitchen, where Natalie was holding her breath.

Jennifer Shepherd released a breath and relaxed some of the tension she'd built over the two week's Natalie had been gone. It wasn't as if they'd never been away from each other, but she was pretty sure she'd never been so worried about Natalie…where she was and what she was doing. Now she could see her in one whole, healthy piece…and it felt great.

"Natalie…"

"Hi," she answered awkwardly, unsure what they were supposed to say.

"…look, don't be upset with Julia; I had to talk her into it. You never called after the last time we talked and I was concerned."

"Right…some stuff's just been going on," she answered tightly, eyes tearing.

"Oh, honey, don't cry…it's alright. I'm not mad but it's like I said; I just want to see you for a while…"

Her mom came to her and drew her into a hug, which Natalie surprised herself by eagerly returning. She held her breath for a long moment because she knew what was coming and as soon as she released a shaky breath she began crying. She couldn't stop and clung to her mother, who rubbed her back soothingly. She continued and eventually let go of her mother to slowly sink down to sit on the floor with her legs pulled up in front of her. She wiped harshly at her tears and hid behind her hands to try and calm herself.

"Natalie, what's wrong?…you're hysterical…hun…?"

Her mom squatted down with her, unsure what to say since she was unsure where this was coming from.

"Why is she crying?" Logan asked, hopping into the room.

"She's okay; let's go pick out a movie to watch," Julia told him quickly, directing him out to the living room to distract him.

"What's wrong?"

Natalie just shook her head; everything just kind of hit her and overwhelmed her in the moment. The fight with her dad that she'd been trying to just ignore, leaving home, and the more resent assault by the strangers on the street.

"I'm just…a lot's going on…" Natalie finally verbalized once she was breathing more normally.

"Like what? …baby, come on. Is something wrong with you and Billy?"

"No," Natalie rolled her eyes, unsurprised this was her mother's first guess.

"Then what's going on? Did something happen to you," her mom pressed, shifting to sit next to her and wrap her arm around her shoulders.

"No…well, I don't want to talk about it. I can't talk about it right now"

"…was it illegal? You're not in trouble are you?"

"Mom! No," Natalie inhaled shakily. "I'm not in trouble; just leave it alone."

"Leave it alone when you're bawling over it?"

"I've just been stressed out over stuff and now you showing up…I'm just emotional," Natalie sighed, trying to get control over herself so her mom would drop it.

"Natalie I can't let this go because you're so upset….have you gotten hurt? … .. You have, haven't you - let me help," her mother's smooth, confident voice soothed her.

Natalie cursed herself for not immediately dismissing her mother's worry about her being hurt."

"I don't need help. I'm not hurt; I'm fine. I'm just tired and stressed out."

"…then come home. It's comfortable, you can relax…"

"Not yet. I just don't want to," Natalie insisted; honestly, right now she wasn't sure if she'd feel as safe there as she did with Billy…not until the current situation blew over, maybe.

"…well, then, I brought you a few things. Some clothes in a backpack."

"Thanks"

Natalie rested her head on her mom's shoulder where they were both now sitting with their backs against the cabinets.

"I can't help that I worry"

"I know"

"And look…don't get upset, but if you do ever get in trouble you can come to me and your father"

"Mmmhmm…"

They sat quietly for a few minutes and Natalie appreciated her mother's presence, the familiar comfort of it.

"So I'm babysitting this weekend," Natalie sighed when she straightened up to wipe her eyes. "And I was thinking I'd ask Julia and Logan to come on some kind of play date so she doesn't get bored. I can call you if you'd want to come. It would be a nice girls' day…plus kids."

"Sure, of course…who're you babysitting for?"

"…a friend," she answered carefully, watching her mother decide it was someone from the gang. "She's the cutest, though; you'll love her hair. It's short and curly…the kind of curls I had when I was little."

"Ugh, so sad those didn't last," her mother reminisced. "But that sounds nice."

"Good"

They picked themselves off the floor and went to the living room for a while. When her mom started saying goodbye to Logan, Natalie excused herself to the bathroom.

"Hey"

"Hi…are you busy?"

"No. Need me to come get ya?"

"In like twenty minutes?"

"Alright…didn't take as long as I figured. Thought you'd hang around."

"Yeah, I'll explain later. Hey, when you get here can you come in for a minute to see Logan?"

"What?"

"He was telling me he missed you; he wanted to know if you're okay… …just for a second. I'm not asking you to play with him

"Better fuckin' not," he muttered. "Alright. See you in 20."

She reemerged to Logan trying to talk grandma into staying.

"Well who's going to make sure grandpa Chris has had dinner and cleaned up like a good boy if I don't?" Jennifer teased.

"Grandpa's a big boy," Logan laughed at the suggestion he couldn't take care of himself.

"I guess that's true. Tell you what, how about I have him call you when I get home?"

"Yes! Yes, yes; you can go," Logan cheered.

They all said their goodbyes, complete with hugs and kisses, and she left.

"You don't have to apologize," Natalie promised when Julia turned to her, looking worried. "You should've told me, but it did turn out okay"

"Okay…and you're alright?"

Natalie nodded and told Julia about the potential outing with the kid she'd thought of and was just wrapping up telling her what she knew about Abby when she heard Billy's car.

She met him at the door, unsurprised that he didn't look excited.

"What's wrong?" he frowned; he could see she'd cried.

"Nothing…my mom just stopped by and I was emotional."

"Oh…you fight?"

"No, we're fine"

"Good-"

"Billy!"

Logan happily scampered to them from the living room; so many people had visited tonight and he was obviously excited.

"Hi"

"Wanna see my room? You've never seen before."

"We can't stay," Natalie answered for Billy, not wanting to push him; plus, she didn't suppose Julia would be big on it.

"Awwww. Boo"

"Here, take this. Be happy."

Billy produced a Reese's from his pocket and Logan took it with a cheer before running off to show his mom.

"That was nice of you"

"If his mouth is full, he can't whine," Billy dismissed.

Natalie kissed him on the cheek regardless and Julia came back with Logan, who was seated on her hip nibbling on his candy already.

"I didn't hear you say thanks," Julia chided.

"Thanks Billy"

"No problem"

Julia gave Billy a smile of thanks, too, though it was somewhat forced - he made her uncomfortable but she was trying.

"Alright; we have to go, Logan, but I'll see you this weekend."

"Aw. Bye," Logan pouted.

"Put that lip away," Natalie laughed, poking his protruding lower lip. "Cheer up; grandpa's calling soon."

He brightened up and they left, driving back relatively quiet.

"Your mom, huh? If she brought that bag for ya, I'm guessin' it wasn't some coincidence"

"No, Julia told her, which was annoying…but it turned out alright."

"Kind of a bitch move"

"I guess…they were just worried, though. I had told my mom I'd call to go to lunch, but I've been, ya know…distracted."

Billy grunted and let that subject drop.

"Heard you tell Logan you'll see him on the weekend - somethin' I don't know about?" he asked, wondering if he'd be sharing Natalie with the chatterbox.

"I thought Julia and I could take Abby and Logan somewhere this weekend. She won't want to be cooped up in the apartment the entire time. That is if you said yes - I told Julia it wasn't for sure."

"I told him yes," Billy rolled his eyes, letting them into the apartment.

He was doing it partially for himself, too. He was already on edge so if he had to hear Jamie bitching about his "selfish, ditching, whore of an ex" one more time, he was going to blow up. He didn't want to hear him wondering aloud where the bitch got off to; he wanted Jamie to find out if she was coming back and then decide what the hell to do, not just mope around.

"Want a beer?"

She nodded so he grabbed a couple and brought them back over to the couch where she had already dropped to sit. He flopped down to sit next to her and as he browsed some sports scores she twisted to face him with her knees pulled up to her chest, toes brushing his legs. He wasn't troubled by this, and continued to work on his beer and watch.

"Billy"

"Hmmmm?" he hummed his acknowledgement without turning.

"Billy"

Now he turned to look at her, raising an eyebrow in question. It wasn't as if she'd never been on the receiving end of such a look; he often communicated without speaking. She'd grown used to it but suddenly she felt nervous, even somehow intimidated; he was always so sure and here she was…

"You, um….you sill want me, right?" she asked, picking at the knee of her jeans.

He narrowed his eyes at her, cocking his head slightly.

"The fuck kind of question is that?"

"I just…wanted to make sure…"

"Of course I want you; what the fuck?" he threw up a hand in frustration.

"I'm sorry; I just…I mean, you don't touch me anymore. Not really."

"…isn't that exactly what ya asked me to do?" he asked, straightening up almost indignantly where he sat.

"Yeah," she conceded, nodding slowly, tears stinging her eyes for the second time that day.

"That's right. I'm sitting back letting you take your time getting comfortable again, and that hasn't been easy. Of course I fuckin' want you," he bristled. "I knew ya wouldn't wanna go hopping into the sack but I don't know what ya do want; I thought you'd show me…thought you'd want the control."

"Yeah…I've appreciated that. Seriously. I …it's not that I'm saying I want to have sex right now, but it's not just that; it's little stuff. Besides in the bath or when we sleep, you don't touch me, really….even casual stuff is rare. I initiate something but you don't initiate anything back and it gives me some doubt. It…well, it kind of discourages the 'don't feel disgusting about what happened" idea…" she told him honestly.

Billy cringed and glared off at the wall.

"I'm sorry…maybe I'm being stupid…."

"Don't say that," Billy glowered. .

"I've just been feeling anxious about it the last couple days," she explained, swiping at her damp eyes quickly before pushing a hand into her hair uncomfortably.

Billy snatched the hand and pulled it out of her hair, pulling it towards himself contemplatively.

"I don't say shit I don't mean, so I meant it when I said you're not disgusting. I do want you; I fuckin' want everything about you," he insisted. "I just ain't gonna push you, not if you're thinkin' of Riley."

"I do appreciate that. I just want something. I still need you, and I want to be close to you…"

He nodded slowly.

"You have to tell me if it's too much…I'm not gonna let myself make you think of that fuck. Ya gotta fuckin' tell me."

She agreed with a nod and he sighed, lounging back to circle an arm around her shoulders. He played with her hair and slowly curled his arm further to squeeze her closer and he kiss the corner of her mouth softly.

"Billy…I love you, too. We didn't keep talking about it the other night, but you know I love you, right?" she checked quietly.

He froze and almost forgot to breathe as he looked her levelly in the eye. Her eyes were still damp but they were soft, and his face melted, if only for a moment. He nodded in answer to her question and leaned in slowly to press his lips to hers fully. It was a slow, gentle kiss that didn't escalate into something hot and hard…it just was what it was.

Natalie traced his jaw and pushed her hand around to the back of his head, scraping over the short stubble. He cupped her cheek as well, ghosting down over her neck.

"Billy! You in, or - oh, hey"

Bodie was chuckling now after letting himself in, watching the pair pull back from each other. Billy was far from as amused as his friend; he clenched his jaw, annoyed, and twisted back around to lean against the couch again.

"Ya lost or somethin'," Billy drawled.

"Nah, man; Angela's just been bitchy lately so she invited her sister over to relax. You know how me and her sister get along," he rolled his eyes, dropping into the armchair.

"So you're making that our problem? Great, thanks," Natalie teased.

"She's gettin' feisty," Bodie laughed. "Better keep your girl in line, bro."

Billy ignored the comment and continued to play with Natalie's hair, twirling it around his fingers. He felt pretty shitty that Natalie had been feeling that way lately but relieved she'd said something; he was eager for her to not feel that way and he'd be lying to say he wasn't also getting eager for more physicality. He understood why their physical relationship was clearly paused - really, he did - and he was okay with waiting it out until she was comfortable - really, he was - but that didn't mean it was easy. How could it be easy for him to deal with Riley's fucking aftermath?

Natalie got up momentarily to get some wine and grab a couple more beers from the fridge.

"Wine…man, this place is classy now that you got your girl up in here," Bodie teased.

"Alright, no beer for you then," Natalie decided, yanking away the bottle she'd been about to hand him.

Bodie only laughed and grabbed her wrist to force the bottle from her, twisting the neck out of her fingers.

Billy flinched when Bodie's hands flew out quickly and snatched Natalie's wrist like that. He couldn't say she liked seeing anyone grab her forcefully but he quickly reminded himself it was just Bodie. Regardless, he was glad Natalie relinquished the beer to him quickly and then sat back on the couch, leaning into him and handing him a new beer.

The trio put in a movie and Billy's annoyance that Bodie had barged in faded away. The night was casual and nice. No business came up and they all just got to relax together; it was the most normal-feeling night he'd had in a while and he wanted to savor it while he could.