Chapter 19!
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Musings and Compromises
And you're so far away
What keeps you so far away?
We can swim in silence
'Swim in Silence' by Paramore

The weekend with Abby had been surprisingly pretty great. Natalie had been afraid that Billy would get annoyed with the little girls' constant presence or her toys laying about in the living room, but he stayed calm about it. He ignored Abby whenever he could, sure, but stayed reasonably patient. Maybe Natalie was just a little soft and emotional since she and Billy had taken another step closer to normalcy, but she'd very much enjoyed the weekend and some moments had warmed her heart.

Abby was shrieking where she stood in the living room, pulling Natalie out of the kitchen where she'd been making lunch. She hurried over and even Billy stepped out of his room, where he'd retreated a after Jamie had dropped off the little runt; she'd been whiney all morning and Billy didn't want to be around it if he didn't have to. Now, though, she was practically screaming bloody murder and he couldn't not come out to make sure everything was alright.

"The hell?"

Abby was hopping up and down and continued to yelp.

"I don't know," Natalie looked around for a problem, spotting nothing for a moment. "Oh…a bug, I think."

"Christ," Billy scoffed.

Natalie nudged Abby away from the beetle that had snuck in at some point and went to find a paper towel to get rid it with. Abby, still scared, scampered over to Billy and latched herself to his leg, tugging on his jeans frantically.

"Hey…cut it out…"

"She wants you to pick her up," Natalie chuckled, returning to the room.

"No shit," Billy muttered.

He tried to ignore her but finally sighed and picked her up, holding her out at arm's length; she continued to pout.

"Billy," Natalie rolled her eyes.

He rolled his eyes right back and pulled Abby to him properly. She immediately attached herself to him, squeezing his neck. He wasn't comfortable with her show of affection and he didn't get it.

"Take her, would you," he asked Natalie once she'd gotten rid of the bug.

"I don't think she wants me," she grinned.

"Well she shouldn't want me; the hell's she thinking? I should scare her"

"You probably remind her of her dad"

"I don't look like Jamie," Billy negated quickly.

"Well you're a guy, for one, and you have tattoos…maybe she' just generalized. I don't know."

Billy frowned and let go of Abby, but she was clinging to him so tightly that she didn't even begin to move. Sighing, he put his arm back under her appropriately. He didn't understand how he didn't scare the shit out of kids lately.

Logan wasn't scared of him either, though he was willing to accept Natalie's words that he just like to be around guys since he didn't have a dad. He wasn't buying this crap about him reminding Abby of Jamie...or at least he didn't want to; he wasn't her dad and he wasn't going to act the part for the weekend.

So, once Abby detached herself from him and began to play again on the now bug-free floor, he bailed. He didn't really need to go check on things at the office, but he did anyway; besides, he could never keep too good of an eye on some of the halfwits he had working for him.

Natalie hadn't minded his departure; she'd sort of expected it. He'd come back for a while in the afternoon but slipped out again when she and Abby started watching cartoons, which amused Natalie somewhat. He had some sort of aversion to kid-shows with Logan, too, as if he'd catch the kids' affinity for them or like it made him unmanly. She was sure Jamie watched cartoons with Abby and she hoped he and guys didn't give Jamie a hard time for the things he did with his daughter.

She got the impression, though, that he was only getting uncomfortable with Abby because it was someone else's kid.

Natalie was giving Abby a bath Saturday evening after watching some cartoons and heard the front door open. No one hollered to check who was home, so she assumed it was Billy.

"Hey, is she aslee - shit"

Natalie turned from where she was crouched next to the tub in time to see Billy whip around so that his back was facing the room.

"What are you doing?" Natalie frowned, eyeing him like he was crazy even though she knew he wouldn't notice.

"Ya couldda warned me you were givin' the kid a bath," he sighed, throwing up his hands.

"Why? Who cares?"

"Well if you'd told me I wouldn't have walked on in"

"Billy, she's just a kid," Natalie shook her head.

"Exactly! Aren't there rules about this kindda shit? I can't fuckin' see her naked," he told her, flustered.

"Billy, she's a kid taking a bath. It's just like if you had to change a girl's diaper; it's not inappropriate"

"I ain't fuckin' changing' her diaper," Billy cringed.

"She doesn't even have diapers anymore," Natalie laughed. "Come on in here, it's not a big deal. Keep me company."

Nothing against Abby's company, but she was more than capable of entertaining herself in the tub. She was humming contentedly and splashing around with the few water-friendly toys that had been brought over with her. Natalie had gotten a few bowls, too, that she and Abby had pretended were boats earlier. Now Abby was babbling to herself with the toys, likely playing some make believe game.

"Nope," Billy shook his head assuredly. "Too weird. She's naked; I'm keeping my ass out here."

"Aw, don't feel bad, Abby; someday soon the guy will be running to you, not away from you," Natalie cooed.

Billy snorted and stalked away while Natalie laughed quietly at his insistence that he couldn't be around the naked toddler.

She felt a little bad that she also found it amusing later when Abby ran out of the bathroom with only a towel draped around her before she was fully dried off.

"Nat, what the fuck!" Billy spat when she darted into the living room and zoomed around the room.

"I'm sorry; I didn't think she'd leave the room," Natalie giggled, coming to retrieve her.

"It's funny? Fuckin' great"

"Billy, it's fine'

"No, I wouldn't want some guy seein' my little girl naked; geeze," he reasoned.

Natalie took that comment in and smiled to herself as she scooped up the antsy girl and took her to go get her pajamas on her. As she did so Billy was muttering something about her making him seem like a perv letting a little girl run around without clothes on.

She was sure he hadn't noticed he said anything about how he'd be protective of his daughter, if he had one, and she knew he probably didn't mean anything about it, but it was interesting all the same. Not that she was planning on getting pregnant right now, but it was endearing to hear how he'd take care of a kid. And even though she thought his discomfort with the issue wasn't necessary, she thought it was pretty cute of him anyway…not that she planned on telling him that.

"Ah, there you are…"

"I thought you don't like seeing naked girls in bathtubs," Natalie teased when Billy let himself into the bathtub later than night after she'd put Abby to sleep in Joe's room.

"Shut up," Billy rolled his eyes, stripping off his shirt. "Besides, you ain't a girl; you're a woman."

Natalie just smiled and watched him shed the rest of his clothes and scooted forward for him so he could settle in behind her. He circled his arms around her and relaxed into the hot water and leaned his head against the shower wall for a while, eyes closed. He didn't want to seem weak or girly, but he'd really started to appreciate soaking in the heated water whenever he sat in with Natalie. He stuck to showers on his own but anytime Natalie ran a bath at night, he'd get in to warm the tension away.

He rubbed her stomach lightly as he relaxed, breathing deeply, and after some time raised his hands to massage her shoulders.

"Ow, too hard…there, that's really nice," she sighed in appreciation as she read the magazine she'd brought in with her.

"Daaaaaad!"

Billy groaned when Abby's little voice reached them in the room and let go of Natalie, expecting her to jump up.

"Can you get her?" she asked, looking over her shoulder at him.

"What? I ain't actually her dad, even if I remind her of him," Billy dismissed.

"But it's my bath…and she likes you"

"Cuz she's crazy"

"Billy, please"

"… …damn it. The fuckin' shit I do for you," he finally grumbled, standing from the tub.

"Daaaaaaddy"

"Thanks so much, babe," she smiled, watching him quickly dry off and grab his pants. "I love you," she added when he just continued to glower as he hitched up his pants and buttoned them.

"Ya better," he sighed, exiting the bathroom.

Natalie just chuckled to herself and lifted her magazine to finishing the article she'd been reading; sitting with Abby for a few minutes wouldn't kill him.

Billy marched over to Joe's door and pushed it open. He could see Abby sitting on in the middle of the bed and he flipped on the light to see her eyes filled with tears. She blinked at him, perhaps in surprise, and he just stared back and planted his hands on his hips. He hoped he could stare her down and make her just go back to sleep but after a few silent minutes she raised her arms up to him pleadingly.

"Fuck you, Jamie," he muttered, crossing the room to hoist her up.

She cuddled in against him, burrowing her face sleepily into his shoulder. If she was tired, he didn't understand why she was up and crying but he just trudged out to the living room and flopped onto the couch to watch TV quietly.

Natalie came out of the bathroom to find him this way, one arm keeping Abby propped up against his chest while the other flipped channels.

"See? Not so bad," she whispered, lowering onto the couch next to him, kissing his shoulder.

He merely grunted to that.

"Put her back in bed"

Natalie smiled and eased her off of him to lay her carefully in the middle of Joe's mattress where she'd been before.

Billy kept a certain detachment concerning Abby the entire next day as well, but Natalie expected that even he, Billy Darley, had part of him that got a little soft for kids just like most everyone else.

Natalie watched from the kitchen as Abby sat next to Billy on the couch. He'd been ignoring her quietly for quite some time but she was now giving him high-fives over and over endlessly and he didn't seem to mind. Natalie studied him curiously as he watched Abby's hand on his.

It took him some time but he eventually felt eyes on him and caught her watching. Since she didn't have to be discrete anymore she joined them in the living room, curling up in the armchair by the couch.

"How can a person even be this small? Her hands are fuckin' tiny," he shook his head, flicking her little fingers lightly before pulling his hand away.

"You were that small once too," she reminded with a small laugh.

"Like I didn't know that," he rolled his eyes, still studying Abby. "How's a mini-person even take care of themselves?" he muttered to himself.

"Well they can't …hence the parents and babysitters"

Billy didn't like the sounds of that. His parents had been flakey as shit; who the hell took care of him? He didn't remember being taken care of by anyone, not really. His mom had tried, sure, but she'd checked out way before she actually left them. No one had protected him sufficiently; after seeing some kids lately - Logan and Abby - he was realizing just how shitty that was. Who had killed bugs for him or came to him in the middle of the night when he was that little? Or had he known even then that you couldn't rely on most people?

"Billy, what's wrong?"

He just shrugged and flicked one of Abby's curls when she stopped to grab her sippy-cup off the coffee table for a drink.

"Kids are just weird," he shrugged, sitting back again.

He ignored the searching look Natalie continued to pin him with and was saved and possible further interrogation by a knock on the door.

"Probably Jamie," Billy muttered, checking his thick-banded watch.

"Abby, should we see who's at the door?" Natalie suggested with a smile, scooping the little girl up to accompany her.

She checked the eyehole in the door and smiled, opening the door to, indeed, reveal Jamie. It took a second for Abby to realize who she saw but she quickly giggled happily and reached for him excitedly.

"Hey baby girl," Jamie took her, landing a kiss on her forehead.

"Hi daddy"

Jamie nuzzled her nose with his own and kissed her forehead again before stepping in, closing the door behind him.

"Did you have fun this weekend? She behave for you guys?" he asked, looking up from Abby.

"Yeah, she was good…still a little shy"

"Dunno who she gets that from," Jamie laughed, mussing up his girl's hair.

"So how'd it go with Krista?" Billy asked, getting up off the couch.

Jamie shook his head with a sigh, letting Abby get down again to run and get one of her toys.

"She's stayin' with her sister. Sounds like she doesn't wanna come back for a while. I told her she has some fuckin' responsibilities here but she wasn't really havin' it, and her sister hates me so she was no help."

"What're you gonna do?" Natalie asked.

"I don't know…my cousin wanted to move in with me a while back so I might see if she'd still interested. I told her no cuz I didn't want her brinin' guys back but I might have to rethink it…." he shrugged, not completely sure. "Billy, you cool to keep cuttin' me some slack at night?"

"Doesn't look like I have much of a choice," Billy scowled, gesturing between Jamie and Abby.

"Man, it ain't my fault. I'm figurin' it out the best I can but I never expected her mom to completely bail like this…"

"Yeah, yeah….as long as y' keep pullin' your share"

"You know I will, man," Jamie nodded quickly.

"Sure…you gonna help your kid pick up her shit or what?"

Jamie barked a short laugh and nodded.

"Bet you just loved having her leave a trail of toys behind her"

He went off and had Abby help him collect her things up and they left shortly after.

"See, that was easy"

"Couldda been worse," Billy agreed. "Lets get outta this fuckin' apartment; we'll grab dinner somewhere."

She brightened at the suggestion and followed him out of the apartment and they were off to the diner down the street where they stopped in from time to time.

It had been such a good weekend but she didn't understand what was happening now. She'd hardly seen Billy the last couple days, with no explanation. He'd come home late the previous evening and proceeded to hardly say two words to her even once they went to bed. She went to bed before him and he didn't even hold her once he crawled in to join.

Now she'd woken to an empty bed. Her hand darted to the expanse of sheets next to her and they were cool…so he'd been out of bed for a while. She was pretty sure she'd heard movement in the apartment, suggesting he was still home, but she stayed laying where she was facing his side of the bed. Their little roller-coasters of emotions were a little tiring, but she supposed Billy wouldn't be Billy if he wasn't moody.

She heard her phone ring out in the living room and groaned, pulling the covers over her head. She was in a bad mood and had a feeling the day might stay melancholy, so she was in no hurry to actually get out of bed and start the day.

"Hey," a gruff voice grunted.

She flipped the covers off of her face and rolled onto her back when Billy held up her phone; she caught it when he tossed and she clicked to answer with a sigh.

"Hey Paige," she greeted tiredly.

Billy stayed in the doorway with his eyes on her so she watched him right back as the conversation went on in her ear. He was shirtless and she saw his razor in his hand, so she suspected he'd just come out of he bathroom. He looked good, as tall and broad as always. Each of his tattoos were on display and she followed their winding paths with her eyes.

"No, I said I could come so I'll come," she assured Paige again as the talk wrapped up. "Yes I'm sure," she laughed. "Alright. Bye."

She dropped the phone aside, on Billy's side of the bed. The side of the bed where he should still be laying. Instead he was just lingering in their doorway, eyes on her. She tilted her head and studied him but she got nothing.

"Come back to bed," she coaxed.

He shook his head slowly and began to retreat from the room.

"Gotta get ready," he excused himself, holding up the razor as he turned around.

Natalie rolled her eyes and gave up on not starting the day. She rolled out of bed and pulled sweatpants on over her shorts, running her hands through her hair to untangle it some.

She started some coffee, surprised he hadn't; maybe she'd get a cup of it into him and he'd actually loosen up.

Natalie padded over to the bathroom and leaned against the doorjamb but he wasn't acknowledging her as she watched him shave.

"Billy, what's going on?"

He looked away from the mirror long enough to raise an eyebrow at her but simply turned back to carefully maneuver the landscape of his face.

"Hey, I'm serious…"

"About what?" he checked with a sigh.

"…I want to know what's wrong. You've hardly been around, and since you got home last night it's like I'm not even here. What're you thinking right now?"

He didn't expressly answer but she heard him mumble something about "girly fucking questions."

"Billy!" she sighed exasperatedly.

She knew he was moody - fine. He didn't need to be in a good mood all the time but she'd prefer an explanation and she'd also prefer it didn't get partially taken-out on her when she didn't do anything. They'd hardly spoken lately - how could she have even done something.

"What? I've been busy and pissed off. Don't worry about it; I'll be fine," he insisted, eyes ahead.

"…busy with what? You can tell me," she promised, though she usually knew not to ask about anything pertaining to his "work."

"Don't start," he warned her, catching her eye in the corner of the mirror.

"…does it have something to do with Riley and them?" she checked; she quietly assumed that most of what the guys were keeping busy with lately did have to do with that, and his silence didn't dissuade the idea. "You don't think I have a right to maybe know about some of that?"

He glared at her via the mirror, razor paused in movement just above the sink. His eyes softened for a moment but narrowed again quickly.

"Fine. Yeah, we found some of Ethan's fuckers. I don't think you'll be needin' to worry about any of that," he told her flatly.

It was true. Him and the boys had finally rounded up a handful of the lackies, kept them shut away at the office for a little bit to pump them for information. Billy had to hand it to them, they were loyal to their own just like his boys were to him. They hadn't gotten much, but in the end it didn't matter; they were dead anyway. They'd had it coming for a long time now and the incident with Natalie had been the shove Billy needed to release unholy hell on their "gang." Fucking pussies.

He didn't tell Natalie about gang workings and hadn't wanted to taint her with the gory reality of what he'd done. Well, she'd pushed the topic and now she knew.

He was surprised that she only nodded.

Natalie knew something like this would happen and her talk with Paige the previous week had eased her feelings about it. She was suddenly thankful they'd had that talk because she was pretty sure she didn't want to have it with Billy. But she'd prepared herself for this reality and, like she and Paige had decided, wasn't completely broken up over it. She did feel a little safer, she had to admit.

She watched him in the mirror looking back at her. He'd pulled himself up to his fullest height and shifted his shoulders back in an almost defiant sort of way, as if he was expecting her to chastise him. He was ready for a fight, to defend himself and his actions.

Natalie only offered him a sort-of smile and moved into the bathroom to circle his waist and kiss his back. She didn't want to know the details, now or ever, but she'd made some sort of peace with it.

"Easy as that?" he questioned her, not believing her nonchalant acceptance of what he'd told her.

"…I'm not mad if that's what you mean. I am sorry you had to do that for me…to have that on your conscience," she told him, kissing his shoulder blade.

"Don't be sorry," he shook his head. "Not for them, not after what they did."

These were the streets, and every action had consequences. They should've known that, should've known what was coming their way after they crossed him like that. He didn't have qualms about it; they wouldn't think twice about hurting him, his guys, or Natalie. Self preservation.

His eyes still held surprise as he continued to watch her in the mirror, but he soon returned to shaving when she didn't speak further on the topic. She eventually left to go grab some coffee now that it had percolated but returned to lean in the doorway to watch him finish up. He dried his face and ran a hand over his jaw to check his work.

"…ya gonna stand there all fuckin' day or give me a hand?" he inquired.

Natalie blinked in surprise; he'd never asked her to help before. She liked to watch - there was something inherently masculine about shaving …it was manly and just so normal - but he was always the one with the blade to his skin.

"What? It ain't like you've never seen one of these before," he rolled his eyes, dropping the razor on the counter.

Natalie chuckled a little and blushed slightly, though unnecessarily; perhaps she wanted Billy to think she was naturally smooth.

Anyway, she moved into the bathroom and sat her mug on the counter while he knocked the toilet lid down and swung a leg over it to sit backwards and expose his head to her. She carefully went through the process of shaving his head. Slow and steady was her game plan, since the last thing she wanted to do was ruin the moment by cutting his scalp. Little by little, the short hair was scraped away and she was unsure if she was rueful or not. She sometimes liked the dark shadow of stubble and the scratch of it against her hands, but the smoothness was nice and welcoming as well.

When she finished she smoothed a hand over his scalp to check her work and leaned forward to kiss the top of his head to let him know she was done. He'd been still and quiet the entire time, moving only when she directed his head to tilt slightly here or there. Now he stood and double-checked everything in the mirror with a scrutinizing eye and hand.

"Looking good," she smiled, nudging him lightly with her hip.

He shrugged in agreement as if to say "well, duh" and downed the rest of her coffee before cleaning up the counter.

"How about you skip classes today," he suggested, finally speaking again.

"I can't," she sighed regretfully. "…at least not the whole day. I have a test coming up in one of my classes…."

Billy seemed annoyed, but they compromised. They went out to breakfast and then he dropped her off for her class around noon, but that was the only class she went to and he picked her back up for the afternoon afterwards. Joel had seen the car when their left their class together and took on a peeved air but said nothing.

"Hey Joel…"

"Yeah?" he asked before parting from her to duck into the student center for coffee.

"Thanks for being understanding about the whole Billy thing…"

"Understanding?" Joel chuckled. "I won't lie; I don't understand it at all…but if you mean me leaving you alone about it, then you're welcome."

"…you're a good friend," she smiled, pulling her coat a little closer around her; it was getting cold…she'd heard snow might be in the forecast anytime now.

"Ya know…I think if I was a good friend I would make more a stink about it. Maybe I'm a selfish friend; just don't want to rock the boat."

"Joel…."

"Sorry. No, you're right and you're welcome. I'm not your parent…but let me be annoying for a sec; if you need anything, let me know…like, if you're ever in trouble," he told her seriously, running a hand through his short brown hair nervously because he didn't know if she'd react poorly to that.

"Thanks," she smiled softly with a little nod. "And that's not annoying; it's nice."

"You got it…okay, I'm freezing," he laughed, taking a few steps backwards towards the building. "See you tomorrow, skipper."

She laughed and waved before hurrying her pace to Billy's car, hopping in. She was surprised to find Bodie and Angela in the backseat but she smiled happily nonetheless.

"Hey Nat…you're up for hanging out with us, right?" Angela asked.

"Course"

"Good cuz I bugged Bodie into going out to do something and bugged Billy into it too, told him you'd like it…"

Natalie watched Billy during all of this, a smile spreading across her face slowly because he was shaking head slowly at the whole thing since, even though Angela wasn't saying the words, what she was describing sounded exactly like a double-date.

"Oh…nice," she nodded, stopping herself from calling it 'cute.'

Billy caught the tone, however.

"Shut up," he rolled his eyes.

"Aw, what…you're with some of your favorite people; it's going to be fun," she grinned, leaning over to kiss him; he responded readily, turning his head away from the windshield.

"Watch the road! I don't want to die," Angela shrieked, though she laughed.

Natalie sat back in her seat properly, pleased with the smirk on Billy's face.

"I love this coat, by the way, Nat"

She thanked the other woman and tried not to laugh as both men rolled their eyes, muttering similar things about "women."

Regardless of the guy's apparent reluctance, they did enjoy the afternoon. They convinced the boys to catch a movie, though more making-out went on in the theatre than anything else; it really was a waste of the money since no one could explain the whole plot of the flick when they left. They grabbed burgers from some dive diner and were the first ones to the Four Roses that night to start drinking before all the guys arrived.

"My goal in life this winter is to make Bodie go ice skating with me ," Angela announced.

Billy almost chocked on his drink, apparently enjoying the humor of the visual.

"Fuck that, woman. Who do you think I am?" Bodie spat, face screwed up unfavorably.

Angela just shrugged and took a drink.

"Don't even think about it," Billy warned, seeing Natalie's equally amused look.

"I'm horrible at ice skating," she shrugged and Billy's arm tightened around her shoulders; he was pleased his woman didn't have the plans Bodie's girl did.

"Aw, I love it," Angela sighed happily.

"Not happening," Bodie shook his head.

Angela didn't seem bothered but they did bicker about it a little with smiles on their faces.

"Ang, I'll go with you," Natalie finally offered with a smile.

"Good…least somebody loves me"

"Don't start that," Bodie rolled his eyes. "We'll watch," he shrugged.

Billy was thinking that, no, he wouldn't be caught dead at some ice rink with happy families and screaming kids. Actually, maybe watching kids fall on their asses would be fun…

He shook his head. He wouldn't go; that was too much of a warm-and-fuzzy environment for him. Natalie could go with Angela everyday for all he cared - in fact, he liked that she hung out with Angie - but he wasn't going.

He glanced down at Natalie and some minute part of him recognized that he could very well find himself at some similar sort of place if she really had her head and heart set on it. It was the kind of compromises they were making lately. They'd meet somewhere in the middle or exchange doing things the other didn't like so much; she'd ignore dirty comments the boys made, and he'd plod along with what might as well be a double date…shit like that. Their comfort zones were different but they compromised and crossed over sometimes…he guessed that's what the whole relationship deal entailed, though he wouldn't know for certain because he'd never had an example of one play out before him.

Bones had never compromised with his mom…just took and took until she had to split because she couldn't give anything to anyone anymore…he hoped he wasn't slowly doing that to Natalie…

"Hey…cheer up," Natalie told him quietly, nudging his side. "The boys are here."

They hardly needed an announcement; he could hear them but he ignored them, staring down at her instead.

Nah, he wouldn't pull a Bones on Natalie…he couldn't.

He'd fucking compromise now and then if it meant she'd stick around. Hell, she did it enough for him. It's not like she'd be hanging around in a bar like this with guys like this if it weren't for him…so he'd fucking open up now and then or whatever else she pressed about. He just hoped she didn't ask him to go an ice rink; the only thing that was supposed to happen on ice was hockey as far as he was concerned.

"What?" she smiled up at him.

"I don't want to go to a fucking ice-skate rink," he muttered.

"Okay," she laughed, stretching up to kiss him soundly before the guys crowded to the table.