Chapter 2. A Losing Battle

Disclaimer: I do not own Cantarella. Cantarella is the property of Yuu Higuri, whose name I spelled wrong in the last chapter (gomen).

A/N: The first scene in this chapter is from the end of Chapter 12 in the manga, with some additions of my own.

A/N 2: I'm not exactly sure when the scene at the end of Chapter 12 takes place; I'm guessing Cesare is nineteen or twenty, so this is maybe four or five years after the first chapter.

Chiaro! Please, Chiaro! Chiaro! Chiaro got to his feet. "Cesare?" he said aloud, though he hadn't heard the voice aloud. He looked around, then began quickly walking through the house, looking for his master. "Cesare!" he called again. Chiaro! Chiaro put a hand to his head, heart beating wildly. His best friend was in trouble, and he couldn't even find him. He grabbed hold of Pedro when he saw him. "Cesare. Where is he?"

"In his room. Signore della Volpe just went in to see him." Pedro looked nervous.

"Thank you." Chiaro ran to Cesare's room and stopped upon entering. The room was in utter shambles and Cesare looked on the verge of fainting in Volpe's arms. "Cesare. You called me?"

Cesare looked up at him with an expression of shock and desperation. A second later, he had leapt to his feet and rushed forward, catching Chiaro in his arms and clutching him. Chiaro caught him, holding him tightly. "Chi… aro…." Cesare couldn't seem to stop trembling.

Chiaro stood in shock for a moment. Cesare had never hugged him in all the years they'd known each other. Not while he was awake, anyway. Some part of him was happy in spite of his worry. He rubbed Cesare's back, which seemed to calm him the most during his nightmares, and looked around the room, deducing that Cesare had gone berserk from the demons and had made this mess himself. He'd done this once before in his sleep, but Chiaro didn't think he knew about that time. He'd cleaned up everything before Cesare woke up and had given Pedro a few coins so he wouldn't complain when Cesare blamed him for the things that were broken.

"Shh," he said. "Calm down. This isn't like you." He kept an arm around Cesare's shoulders as Cesare pulled away and covered his face, then turned to Volpe. "I'm sorry. Would you leave us alone for a minute?" Chiaro really didn't trust Volpe to deal with Cesare's demons.

"What's happened to Master Cesare?"

"A fit of sorts," Chiaro replied. "You needn't worry."

Volpe's eyes blazed with jealousy for a moment, but then he left the room, and Chiaro drew Cesare back into his arms. Cesare gasped a little, clinging again. "Shh," Chiaro whispered again. "It's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Cesare hid his face in Chiaro's shoulder, his breathing slowly calming down. It was a while before he let go, and Chiaro hoped Volpe wouldn't come back and interrupt. It took even longer for Chiaro to really calm Cesare down, and they had to go into another room. After effectively distracting him with a cup of newt tea and whining when he wouldn't drink it, Cesare seemed much calmer, and even managed to smile.

"How did you know I was in trouble?" he asked after a while.

"You called me, didn't you?" Chiaro asked.

Cesare looked truly startled. "No, I didn't!"

Chiaro was confused. "Your voice echoed in my head." He'd thought Cesare was doing it on purpose this time.

Cesare stared at him in surprise, then turned a little pink. "I see… well…" He put his face in his hand. "It was unconscious. I'm sorry."

Chiaro cocked his head a little, wondering why Cesare felt he needed to apologize for letting Chiaro know he needed him, but Cesare quickly changed the subject, so he couldn't ask. As he listened to Cesare talk about his frustration with the battle and his role as a cardinal, and his other ambitions, and how he felt he was being pulled into darkness, Chiaro suddenly wanted to pull him close again. To shut out the world, to hold him together and keep him from falling apart.

Cesare put a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, Chiaro. I'm glad I have you."

Chiaro smiled a little, letting the words warm him, but it tore at his heart to know he was fighting a losing battle to keep Cesare.

…

Cesare sighed. Today was a bad day. Most days were bad days now, and they were getting worse. He edged his horse a little closer to Chiaro's, hoping that would help a little.

"You all right?" Chiaro asked, looking at him. "Geez, they're flocking around you." He moved his own horse closer and put out a hand to shoo away some of the demons, lightly brushing Cesare's shoulder. Cesare smiled a little at these antics, and Chiaro rolled his eyes. "Right, of course; the great Cesare Borgia doesn't even notice swarming demons."

Cesare looked away, thinking of when Chiaro had held him. Would Chiaro ever hold him again? "Actually," he said, "could we take a rest?"

"Oh. Sure."

They stopped their horses near a large tree and Cesare sat down. "Come sit," he said, and Chiaro came and sat beside him. Not close enough. Cesare moved closer and leaned back against his shoulder. Chiaro jerked in surprise, then relaxed.

"Cesare?"

"Just… for a minute," Cesare said, closing his eyes. "Let me be free of them for a minute." He started as Chiaro's arm suddenly wrapped around him and almost got up, startled.

"Relax," Chiaro said, pulling him back with a smile. "Take a break. We're safe here, and if anything happens, I'll protect you."

"Oh… all right." Cesare smiled a little and slowly relaxed, breathing in Chiaro's scent mingled with the smell of the grass and the tree they were leaning against. There were birds singing above him. Cesare didn't normally notice these things… having a perpetual cloud of demons around him tended to dull his senses a little, at least to anything beautiful.

"Are you asleep?" Chiaro asked, his voice quiet enough that if Cesare was asleep, it wouldn't wake him. Cesare considered not responding and letting Chiaro think he was asleep. But he shook his head. "You can go to sleep, if you want," Chiaro said, his voice still soft and soothing. "We're not due back until this evening. Just forget about everything for a while. Take a rest. I'll stay with you."

The offer was tempting, but letting his guard down that much in open country, even with Chiaro at his side, seemed a little foolish. Besides, if he fell asleep he wouldn't be able to enjoy this. Chiaro really had been extremely affectionate lately, ever since Cesare had lost control of himself and nearly destroyed his room. He hadn't gone so far as to actually hold Cesare, but he'd hugged him a few times, and he'd put an arm around his shoulder or a hand on his arm at random, giving Cesare precious moments of peace. Which Cesare teased him about and raised his eyebrow at, not wanting Chiaro to know how much they meant to him, but wanting him to figure it out all the same. He sighed. Well, maybe Chiaro was figuring it out. After all, he was almost holding Cesare right now. But Cesare told himself not to expect too much. True, Chiaro called Cesare his friend and said he liked him, but Cesare didn't really believe him. An angel might pity a demoniac—might even be friends out of pity—but never like him. Perhaps he had at the beginning, before he'd actually gotten to know Cesare, and now kept up the pretence because he was a kind person.

It was odd, though. Why was Chiaro being so suddenly affectionate? The entire time they'd known each other, Chiaro had never been very physical with him. He'd stay close to Cesare—often close enough that the demons stayed away in spite of Chiaro not actually touching him—and would often brush his hand lightly over Cesare's shoulders, back, or arms, scattering the demons, but Cesare could count the number of times Chiaro had hugged him on his fingers, and three of those hugs had been in the last week.

Well, no, that wasn't true. There were plenty of times that Cesare only vaguely remembered that the demons had practically attacked him and Chiaro had rushed in and held him tightly until they stopped, but that, although it had been wonderful, had been a matter of keeping Cesare from going berserk, and hadn't necessarily had anything to do with affection. The real, affectionate hugs were few and far between.

Of course, Cesare had hardly encouraged the touching. He didn't know what to do with it. When Chiaro hugged him, Cesare (assuming he was in his right mind) usually clung tightly then let go quickly, looking away so he wouldn't have to see Chiaro's reaction. Except that time, when Chiaro had pulled him back after he'd let go, and Cesare hadn't let go again for several solid minutes, making it pathetically obvious how desperately he wanted to be held.

Cesare sighed softly. So that was it. Chiaro was giving him lately what he'd made it obvious he wanted. The question was why. Was he trying to get Cesare to let his guard down? Like… like Marrone had? Was that why he'd encouraged Cesare to go to sleep? But… Chiaro had no reason to betray him, did he? He hadn't even been particularly awful to him lately. Was it because the demons were getting worse? Did Chiaro want his freedom now, and recognize that the only way he could get it was by killing Cesare?

Come to think of it, why had Chiaro stayed with Cesare for so long? He was a skilled assassin and could have taken up with anyone. He could have found someone who wouldn't hire him as an assassin, since he didn't like killing people. Yes, initially Cesare had made him feel guilty for not killing him, and Chiaro had pitied him for what his father had done, but guilt and pity weren't very good reasons to be so devoted to someone for so long. They wouldn't have held Cesare for a second. Not to mention, Chiaro could have absolved himself of his guilt over not killing Cesare six years ago by killing him now. Why didn't he? Why hadn't he? "Chiaro?"

"Still awake?"

"Yes. Why do you stay with me, Chiaro?"

Chiaro paused. "What do you mean? You're my master. Of course I stay with you."

"But you could find a different master."

"No, I couldn't."

Cesare sighed a little. "Chiaro, I know I say you have to stay with me, but you don't. You're valuable. You could find a job anywhere—serve anyone."

Another pause. "Cesare, you don't want me to go, do you?" Was that hurt in Chiaro's voice? No, Cesare had to be imagining it.

"Of course not," he replied. "If you left me, I'd hunt you down and drag you back and probably put you to torture for betraying me," he added honestly.

Chiaro gave a laugh. "I see."

"I'm serious."

"I know you are."

"You're laughing." Why didn't Chiaro ever react the way he was supposed to?

Cesare felt him shrug. "I don't plan on going anywhere, so I don't really have anything to worry about."

"But you don't have to worry," Cesare said, opening his eyes. "You could kill me. You have plenty of opportunities. Even if it came to a duel, you'd probably win, and you could keep the demons from healing me. Then you could go and live your life and never have to worry about me again." He hoped he wasn't suggesting something Chiaro hadn't thought of and would now consider.

"Cesare, you're my best friend." His tone made Cesare sit up and look at his face. His expression was pained, like he couldn't understand how Cesare could even imagine him capable of such a betrayal. "I stay with you because you're important to me, and I want to. I love you."

Cesare stared at him. Chiaro's blue-green eyes didn't waver, and his face was completely serious. He was telling the truth. But… that was impossible, wasn't it? Completely impossible. "You said you'd kill me, though."

"Only if I absolutely had to," Chiaro said, starting to look a little alarmed. "Like… if you couldn't control them anymore… or if they took you over completely, so there wasn't any you anymore, but I don't want to, not ever if I can avoid it." He looked a little scared suddenly. "You're… not… asking me to, are you?" His eyes begged, 'Please don't.'

"Why?" Cesare asked.

"Why what?"

"Why are you so reluctant?"

"Because I don't want to lose you!"

Cesare closed his eyes, basking in the words. "You're my best friend… I love you… I don't want to lose you!" He opened them, blinking a few times at unexpected moisture. What had he ever done to deserve this kind of devotion? Nothing. He had done nothing. He looked at Chiaro in confusion. He couldn't possibly be telling the truth. Much as Cesare wanted it to be true, it couldn't be. But Chiaro's face was completely sincere. How? "You're so…." He paused, searching for a word. Stupid came to mind. Irrational, maybe. Ridiculous. Insane. "Strange," he finally decided.

"Why?"

"I'm not human."

"Not completely, no."

"You say that so calmly," Cesare said. "I'm not some mermaid or centaur, half human and half animal. I am part devil."

A slight tremor seemed to pass through Chiaro for a moment. Cesare had a feeling he was constantly trying to forget this small detail. "I don't care," Chiaro said. "I love the part that's still you, and I'm bound and determined not to let it disappear."

Cesare swallowed, looking away. He wanted so badly to believe it. To believe that this one person could know everything about him and somehow still love him.

"Cesare, you act like this is a shock." Chiaro sounded confused. "I've said I like you. Several times."

Cesare leaned back against Chiaro's shoulder to have an excuse not to look at him. "Well, I didn't believe you," he said matter-of-factly.

"Why would I lie about something like that?"

Cesare sighed. "Because you're kind."

"But why would I be kind to you if I didn't like you?"

"No, I mean…." Cesare gave another short sigh. "You're one of those people, who's kind to anyone who will sit still long enough. I'll bet you went around feeding stray cats when you were a child."

Chiaro said nothing for a moment. At last, he said, "I'm an assassin."

"Only because I make you."

"I was an assassin before I met you."

"And you hated it."

"You…." Chiaro broke off. Cesare sat up and looked at him to read his expression, but it was unreadable. It was very full, intense somehow.

"I what?" Cesare asked.

The expression faded, and Chiaro smiled. He put a hand on Cesare's head, his eyes warm. "You mean the world to me."

"That's not what you were going to say," Cesare said, not moving. "It's completely off topic."

"Perhaps," Chiaro replied, dropping his hand. "But it's true all the same."

"You'd have to be stupid to care about me that much."

Chiaro seemed to consider, then shrugged. "I'm stupid, then."

Cesare opened his mouth then closed it. For some reason, it hadn't occurred to him that Chiaro might be being so affectionate lately because he loved Cesare. Did that mean he had just started loving Cesare? Why? "But… when did this start?"

"When did I start loving you?" Chiaro asked. He paused for a moment. "A few weeks, maybe, after we met."

Cesare's jaw didn't drop, but it was only through sheer force of will that he kept it from doing so. He remembered that morning so many years ago, the first in years that he'd woken up feeling completely at peace, when Chiaro had inexplicably asked to be friends. But this didn't add up. If Chiaro was telling the truth, and he'd loved Cesare for years, then why was he only just now starting to show it? "But then why… not until recently…."

"Why what?"

Cesare looked away, studying a blade of grass. This conversation was making him feel very funny. Some part of him wanted to look at Chiaro, turn this whole thing into a joke, get back onto his horse and ride back home. To be back in the familiar darkness of his demons and his plans for world domination, not here, surrounded by warmth and light, with Chiaro sitting beside him and assuring him of his completely irrational and incomprehensible loyalty and friendship. It was confusing and a little frightening. But another part of him wanted nothing more than to stay where he was. It was strange. His feelings toward Chiaro were strange.

He thought back briefly to Chiaro's miraculous arrival on the scene of his tormenting demons. He hadn't run to Chiaro because he'd wanted Chiaro's light. He'd run to Chiaro because he'd wanted Chiaro. Because he trusted Chiaro. But no, it went beyond trusting. It went beyond liking.

A hand touched his shoulder and he looked up. "Cesare?" Chiaro's eyes were gentle. "Are you okay?"

Cesare searched for an answer, but he honestly didn't know. I love you too, he thought. How had that happened? He'd thought he would never love again. When had he started loving Chiaro? It couldn't have been too long ago. I love you too. This scared him. If Chiaro did betray him, it would hurt so much more now. And yet…. I can still love.

"Come here." Then Chiaro drew him close, hugging him tightly.

Cesare clung to him, feeling pathetic and happy and terrified and grateful all at the same time. Don't let go, he thought. Please don't let go. But it was he who let go, long before he wanted to. Every time Chiaro had hugged him, in all the time they'd known each other, it had always been Cesare who ended the embrace.

"Are you okay?" Chiaro asked again as Cesare stood up.

"Of course," Cesare said with a smile.

Chiaro looked a little confused.

"I do need to make sure now and again, don't I? That my little assassin isn't going to leave me for a better offer?" He got on his horse fluidly, and laughed as Chiaro nearly missed the foothold on his horse because he was looking at Cesare. "Now, now, Chiaro, you can't be so single-minded in your undying devotion for me that you fail to pay attention to what you're doing."

Chiaro looked at Cesare from astride his horse. His face wasn't convinced. Cesare's heart gave a thrill, though whether it was from terror that Chiaro wasn't falling for his act or joy that Chiaro wasn't falling for his act, he couldn't tell. He laughed again. "Come on, I'll race you!"

"What? Cesare!" Chiaro called after him as he kicked his horse into a gallop. But Cesare had already pulled ahead, his instincts crying out for escape. Escape. Escape.