Chapter 5: Confession

Disclaimer: I think you get it by now.

A/N: This is a really long chapter, so it might be a week or so before I update again. Sorry about that. Thanks for the reviews so far! You guys are a big encouragement.

Chiaro woke up with the dawn and was about to get up before Cesare woke until he remembered Cesare knew he was here already. He smiled a little and looked down at the expression of complete peace and serenity on his friend's face. Cesare only ever looked like this when Chiaro held him.

So, Cesare was okay with this. Thank goodness. Perhaps if he did this on a regular basis, he could stop the demons indefinitely. He could also make it a point to hug Cesare often, if Cesare really didn't mind. Really, all he had to do was stop stifling the impulse to hug Cesare that overtook him half a dozen times a day, at least. The problem was, it often came at inappropriate times, like when he was standing in a corner of the Sistine Chapel while Cesare was talking to his father.

Cesare stirred, and the hand that lightly clutched Chiaro's shirt reached around, hugging him. Cesare smiled. "You stayed."

"I told you I would," Chiaro said. "How do you feel?"

Cesare kept his eyes closed. "I was wondering… if this is what heaven feels like. To be in the arms of your guardian angel. And thinking that if it is, maybe I lost interest in heaven too soon, not that I ever had a chance of going. So, my heaven is here."

Chiaro felt himself blushing. He never knew quite what to say when Cesare called him his guardian angel. "You don't know that," he said. "God is merciful."

"It would be difficult to redeem a demoniac, don't you think?" Cesare asked. "Besides, I have no intention of giving up my designs, and I don't think He would approve."

Chiaro sighed. "I want to be your angel. I would take you with me into heaven."

Cesare shook his head. "All you can do is bring heaven a little closer to me, like now, and that's enough."

"Aren't you worried about what will happen when you die?"

Cesare smiled, but his smile was tight. "I try not to think about it."

Chiaro let the matter rest for now and rubbed his friend's back. Cesare's breathing became slow and smooth. "You know," he said after a while, "I will have to get up eventually. I'm supposed to go and see my father today… and get an update on France." His voice held absolutely no motivation.

Chiaro raised an eyebrow, stifling a laugh. "You can get up whenever you want."

Cesare smiled. "I'm not very inclined to do so when you're holding me like this. You hardly do this on a regular basis, you know."

Chiaro almost laughed. If he only knew. "I could."

Cesare looked up, meeting Chiaro's gaze with raised eyebrows and an amused smile. But Chiaro had already had him pass off something he actually wanted as a joke—several times—and he wasn't buying it. "Would you, though?" Cesare asked, still teasing with his eyebrows. "You like me that much?"

"Yes, and yes."

Cesare leaned back against his shoulder, still smiling. "You're sweet," he said. "But Volpe would wonder, you know."

Chiaro made a face. "Volpe," he said, making it sound like a curse. "I don't care what he thinks. Do you?"

Cesare began to shake with laughter. "It's very amusing to watch you two vie for my good graces like a couple of cocks. Especially you. I can understand why he's jealous of you, but do you honestly think I like him more?"

Chiaro didn't say anything. It was impossible to tell if Cesare even liked him at all, and Volpe was older with more experience. Cesare would "like" whoever was most useful, and it seemed like the only thing that put Chiaro ahead of Volpe was his ability to drive off the demons.

Cesare looked up again, looking concerned. He smiled a little when he saw Chiaro's face. "Chiaro," he said, his tone gently teasing, "you're being silly. I spend much more time with you, you know."

"Because I can send away the demons, and he can't," Chiaro said. "But he's… more valuable than I am in a lot of other ways."

There was a pause, and then Cesare spoke again, his tone still teasing a little, but more serious than before. "Chiaro, no one could replace you. Certainly not Volpe; he isn't even my friend, not like you are. Not even Vanozza, who could also drive away the demons. It is very useful to have two men, and you can't do everything, and Volpe is a valuable retainer with a great deal of experience."

"He wants to be your right-hand man," Chiaro said.

"I know that. But he'll have to settle for left. It is helpful to have two hands, you know."

Chiaro sighed and looked away, making a face at himself. He really was being silly.

"Listen," Cesare said. "Volpe would do almost anything for me. The man is half in love with me and admires everything about me, especially my demonic powers. He will guard my life and my goals, even if it means giving his life. That attitude is extremely useful. You, on the other hand, are my closest friend. You allow me to confide in you and act my age, and you drive the darkness away when it becomes too much. You will guard my soul and my dreams, even if it means killing me before I become a monster I can no longer control, and…." Cesare paused, then looked up at Chiaro. He hesitated for a long moment, then leaned his head back down. "And I love you for it."

Chiaro looked down at Cesare's unusually serious smiling face. "Really?" Cesare actually loved him? It didn't seem like something he'd joke about.

Cesare nodded against his shoulder. "So don't be jealous of Volpe. I have a hard enough time trying to keep him happy when he's so jealous of you. He also worries that I trust you too much, because you're much more emotional than he is and it makes him nervous. Really, he's too much like me."

"You know," Chiaro said, "I would give my life for you too."

"I know. I figured that went without saying. I don't want you to, though. If you die, I lose all hope of remaining human."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Did you mean it when you said you'd do this again?"

"Yes, of course. Anytime you want."

"I won't ask."

Chiaro blinked, then rolled his eyes. "Then I'll keep an eye on you and just come when I think you need me. You know, you could ask."

"Yes," Cesare said, sitting up, "but it doesn't exactly suit a world conqueror to ask his friend to hold him and drive off the nightmares."

"I promise I won't tell the King of France."

Cesare smirked at him.

"And I already know you want me to, so you hardly need to worry about my opinion."

Cesare leaned over and rubbed his head against Chiaro's shoulder, giving him a catlike smile before straightening and getting out of bed. "I suppose I'll have to wear the ridiculous hat again," he said, smiling at Chiaro and looking almost cheerful. "Look, they're leaving me alone for right now. They must have gotten bored waiting for you to leave." He put on his robe and twirled around, making it fly. Chiaro laughed, grinning at his friend's sudden energy. "Come with me," he said. "Go get dressed."

"All right." Chiaro left the room, still smiling. He nearly ran into Volpe, who looked surprised to see him.

"Chiaro. Is Master Cesare up yet?"

"Yes. And he's in a good mood." And he likes me better than you.

"Really? He didn't seem to be last night." He continued on to Cesare's room, and Chiaro grinned. Because Cesare was in a good mood because of him.

….

Cesare adjusted his stupid looking hat, ignoring the evil spirits that had returned but weren't really tormenting him at the moment. Chiaro had held him for the entire night and had said he would in the future. Just the thought made him feel ecstatic. There was a knock at the door. "Come in."

The door opened and Volpe came in. Cesare regained his composure but kept his good humor. "Good morning, Tagio."

Volpe raised his eyebrows. "He's right, you are in a good mood."

"It does happen," Cesare said with a smile. "Are we joining my father for breakfast?"

…..

Chiaro sighed. Cesare's good humor hadn't lasted, and he really wished he could be sitting beside Cesare right now instead of on the other side of the room with Volpe. The demons were always particularly awful when Cesare was with his father, and although Cesare always remained the picture of polite attention, Chiaro could tell he never liked these audiences. He could only imagine the painful memories. Which Cesare denied, of course, but Chiaro saw through that. He shifted his weight, wanting to go over and put an arm around Cesare at least, but it would have to wait. In the meantime, he tried to listen to this conference, knowing Cesare would probably quiz him on it later and tease him if he didn't remember everything. But finally, the meeting was finished, and Cesare left the room with a slight glance at Chiaro and Volpe to indicate that they should follow.

They were both quickly by his side, and Chiaro glanced at Volpe, who was as always the picture of professional aloofness. Did he always have to act so perfect? Chiaro sighed a little, rolling his eyes. This was not missed on Cesare, who turned to look at him with a knowing look, the edge of his mouth turning up. Quick as a flash, Chiaro stuck his tongue out at Cesare, whose eyebrows shot up. Chiaro was pleased to see a grin spread across his master's face, although it earned him a glare from Volpe. Yeah, yeah, get mad at him for acting his age all you want. You're just jealous.

At length, they were far enough away from the throne room of the Vatican that Chiaro figured he could get away with being a little affectionate, so he closed the distance between himself and Cesare and put an arm around his shoulders, pleased to see the demons run screaming. Cesare turned to him with raised eyebrows and an amused smile. "Feeling clingy, Chiaro?"

"Maybe a little," Chiaro replied. "So what's on the agenda today? Lunch at any point?" He noticed that Cesare hadn't actually shaken him off.

"We are supposed to dine with the Lord of Pesaro," Volpe said, pointedly ignoring their childish behavior.

"Him again?" Chiaro asked, causing Cesare to grin yet again.

"Now, now, Chiaro, you can't always have me all to yourself," Cesare said, smiling at him. "I'm a busy man. Conquering the world takes quite a lot of work, you know."

"Lord Cesare, you do realize that if anyone sees you acting like this, he is unlikely to take you as seriously," Volpe said.

"Acting like what?" Cesare asked. "I'm serious."

"Acting like a youth."

"He is a youth," Chiaro said, earning another glare from Volpe.

"I'll work on it," Cesare replied. "Chiaro, you're making me feel a little giddy; perhaps we should settle for linking arms?"

…

Cesare was beginning to wonder if he was going to become addicted to Chiaro. His friend seemed to be watching him like a hawk today, hardly letting the demons get near him, and the level of freedom Cesare had from them truly was making him feel giddy and almost drunk. The touching was rather nice, too, even when it was nothing more than a hand on his shoulder.

"Cesare." Chiaro came and put a hand on his back. "It's midnight. You should sleep."

"I need to finish this letter first," Cesare replied, penning another line.

"Then you'll sleep?"

"Of course."

"Yeah, right." Cesare glanced around to see Chiaro rolling his eyes. He removed his hand from Cesare's back and stretched. "Well, I'm going to bed. Unlike you, I actually believe in sleeping at night."

Cesare felt his smile fade as he watched Chiaro start to walk away. Well, Chiaro hadn't said he would sleep with Cesare tonight, and Cesare hadn't asked. There was no reason to expect it. He sighed a little, and Chiaro's footsteps stopped. Cesare looked up to see that his friend was looking at him thoughtfully. Suddenly Chiaro smiled a little. "I'll share a bed with you again like last night if you want."

Cesare smiled and looked teasingly at Chiaro. "Really?" he asked. "My goodness, Chiaro, for the second night in a row? You really must be quite fond of me." There he went again. Why could ne never stop himself from turning everything into a joke? He watched Chiaro raise an eyebrow and step back over to him. "Are you lonely when I'm not around?" he asked, still teasing. "Can't even bear to be parted from me while you sleep, can you?"

"Should I take that as a yes?" Chiaro asked with a long-suffering expression on his face.

"Oh, certainly, if you want to that badly, I wouldn't deny you."

"Well, I'm not going to wait all night. So finish your letter and come to bed. You hardly slept at all last night."

"I made up in quality for what I lacked in quantity," Cesare replied, penning another line. "Give me five minutes." He finished his letter, trying not to get distracted by Chiaro standing infuriatingly just out of range to drive off the demons. He glanced suspiciously at Chiaro, beginning to wonder if he was doing it on purpose.

"What?" Chiaro asked, suddenly grinning. "Are you ready to go to sleep?"

"You are incorrigible."

"I'm also good at making you go to bed," Chiaro said, putting an arm around Cesare now that he'd stood up. "So give your plans for world domination a short rest, will you?" They went to Cesare's room and Chiaro stretched out in his bed, waiting for him to change. Cesare did so, feeling apprehensive again for some reason. Was this really all right? He'd convinced himself that it wasn't allowed, and here Chiaro didn't even mind. But he didn't deserve it. And really, it was very odd that Chiaro was willing to do this. Most normal men did not like snuggling with other men. Cesare did, but he would have been the first to admit that he was definitely not a normal man. It was hard to get more abnormal than being part demon. But there was nothing wrong with Chiaro, and Cesare did believe him when he said he wasn't in love with him. But why then?

"Cesare?"

Cesare turned.

"Would you stop worrying about France and sleep?"

"I'm not worrying about France."

"Well, you're worrying about something."

Cesare shrugged and finished dressing, then climbed into bed, very hesitantly going close so Chiaro could hold him.

"Hey," Chiaro said, rubbing his back. "Are you okay?"

Cesare closed his eyes, soaking in the light, then opened them. "Chiaro… you don't… really miss me when you're sleeping, do you?"

"What?" Chiaro began to shake with laughter. "Cesare, go to sleep."

Cesare lifted himself and met Chiaro's eyes. "I'm serious."

Chiaro raised his eyebrows. "Well, no, not when I'm sleeping, because then I'm asleep…." He paused. "Though sometimes, if I wake up…."

Cesare frowned, unconvinced. I miss you. He looked away and sat up, not knowing how to feel. Escape. He sighed. He didn't want to escape. He was finally starting to become comfortable with Chiaro's affection, but Chiaro himself was just so damnably confusing.

"I do miss you when you're gone for a while and I'm awake," Chiaro said, sitting up as well. "Cesare? I'm not trying to hurt your feelings…." He sounded concerned and a little surprised.

Cesare turned and looked at him. "Then why are you doing this?"

Chiaro blinked. "Uh…."

"I mean… you're not getting anything out of it, so why?"

Chiaro blinked a few more times. "Because," he said at last.

Cesare cocked an eyebrow.

"I like hugging you."

"Why?"

Chiaro smiled a little, looking confused. "Um… because I do."

"But…." Cesare was beginning to feel a little embarrassed. He couldn't figure out what he was trying to say, and nothing Chiaro was saying made any sense. "But I didn't ask you to. And you don't have to. You never did this befo…." Cesare trailed off, and suddenly met Chiaro's eyes. "Though sometimes, if I wake up…." How many times had Cesare woken Chiaro by unconsciously calling for him when the demons attacked? He knew Chiaro would come and hold him when the demons attacked sometimes, but it always felt the next morning like he had been sheltered the entire night. And then there was Chiaro last night, climbing into Cesare's bed to hold him (which all things considered was really rather shocking; had Chiaro been anyone else, Cesare would have been furious at the presumption) as though it were the most natural thing in the world. Like he did it all the time.

"Why are you staring at me?" Chiaro asked, looking a little worried.

"You have done this before."

"Yeah, last night."

"I mean before that."

Chiaro opened his mouth to speak, then closed it.

Cesare stared. "But when? I don't remember… but I know you have, because…."

Chiaro shrugged a little, looking away from Cesare's gaze. "Are you angry?"

"No." He was completely confused, though. He'd been wondering before why Chiaro never held him. Apparently he had—had actually gone so far as to come into his bed and hold him while he slept—but hadn't bothered to inform Cesare.

"It was just sometimes," Chiaro said. "When the nightmares were really bad."

"Since when?" Chiaro was downplaying; Cesare woke up with that peaceful feeling at least once a week these days.

"Well, since we met."

Cesare continued to stare, then started, remembering the first time he'd woken up without the demons, and Chiaro had asked to be friends that morning. He'd suspected at the time, but he'd forgotten about it since.

"The first time was kind of an accident," Chiaro said, shrugging again. "I just figured I'd sleep next to you, since it seemed like that would keep the demons away, but you… well, you apparently wanted to be closer."

"You still stayed?"

Chiaro smiled a little. "You, um… wouldn't let go. And then you looked… you know, like you were actually at peace… so I finally figured, why not?"

"But you kept it up? Didn't you feel awkward?"

"Well… yeah, but I got over it eventually. I mean, we're talking about five years ago."

Cesare said nothing, not knowing how to feel.

"I'd just… come in and rub your back until you'd calm down, and if they still wouldn't leave you alone after, I'd hold you, and I'd just leave before you woke up."

"Why?"

"I thought you might be embarrassed."

"No, I meant… why would you do that?"

"I wanted to protect you." He paused. "Was that… wrong?"

"But how?" Cesare asked. "I would have woken up."

Chiaro shook his head. "You never wake up when I touch you, unless I'm trying to wake you. Anyone else touches you and you're awake immediately, but not me for some reason. Maybe you thought I was…." Chiaro broke off, obviously before he was about to say Vanozza's name.

Cesare thought about this and pondered its implications. "Never?"

"Not usually. Sometimes for a minute or two, but you never remember."

Suddenly he had an explanation now for all those times he'd fallen asleep sitting by the fire or at his desk or on the sofa, unable to really go to bed because the demons were too bad, and woken up in the morning in his own bed, having dreamed of light and peace, with the inexplicable feeling that he'd been touched by an angel. Apparently he had. So many nights, he'd tossed and turned until he'd worn himself out, then woken up feeling like someone had come and sent the demons away and that they were only now coming back, disoriented and annoyed at being cast however temporarily from their place of residence. His angel had been caring for him, comforting him, all this time… and he hadn't even known. "I wish you'd told me," he said at last. "But thank you."

"Sorry; I just thought you might feel weird about it. But I mean, it's not a big deal. You're my best friend. I hate to see you suffer." He smiled. "And there's something about you that makes me want to chase your nightmares away and make your dreams come true. Call it a knight complex." He put a hand on Cesare's back. "You should go to sleep."

Still somewhat dazed, Cesare lay back into Chiaro's arms. He felt himself relax.

Chiaro rubbed his shoulders. "And don't worry so much. I like seeing them run screaming. This way I get to keep them away all night."

Cesare smiled a little, but it faded. "It just… feels so one-sided."

"Huh?"

"You're always doing things for me, and I never do anything for you." This hadn't bothered him until very recently, but now it did.

"Cesare." His voice was gentle, and Cesare looked up to meet his eyes. Instinctively, he felt his hand clench around Chiaro's shirt. How on earth could his angel look at him with that much love? He looked away, burying his face in the hollow of Chiaro's shoulder. It was too good for him. All of this was too good for him. "It's true, though," he said softly.

Chiaro sighed. "If you're still worried about this in the morning, I'll tell you then…" he yawned "…all about why I'm glad I have you. But can we sleep for now?"

"Yes." Chiaro was tired. It wasn't fair to keep him up worrying. Cesare closed his eyes, feeling unexpected moisture build behind them. He blinked a few times. Why was he crying? Why couldn't he stop? He closed his eyes again, but the tears continued, and when he drew in a breath, it shook.

"Cesare?" Chiaro suddenly sounded much more awake. He hugged Cesare tighter. "What's wrong?"

Cesare wondered if he really ought to leave rather than let Chiaro see him cry like this. But somehow, he just didn't have the energy. "I don't know," he said. "I don't understand." This was too much. This kind of love and devotion could not possibly be for him, because he didn't deserve it. It was like he had somehow crossed into the wrong story. The plotline of his life involved a race to take over the world before the demons took over his soul. The love of an angel didn't belong in a story like that, no matter how desperately he wished for it. He had no right to claim it. At the very least, it would have to be paid for, and he had no way to pay.

Cesare's thoughts were suddenly arrested by Chiaro's fingers through his hair, stroking his head, gliding over his neck and down his back. It felt so good that everything else was forcibly driven from Cesare's mind. He closed his eyes, aware of almost nothing else. Did Chiaro realize how good this felt?

"There," Chiaro whispered. "Go to sleep. Everything's all right." His fingers opened and closed, weaving through Cesare's hair, making small circles on his back. There seemed to be a message in the pattern of Chiaro's weaving. You belong in this story. You belong with me. Absurd. Ridiculous. Cesare knew it was ridiculous. But that didn't matter right now, because right now was light and peace and warmth and love and gentle fingers, and even Heaven couldn't possibly be sweeter than this. Cesare wanted to stay awake and enjoy it longer, but he couldn't help drifting off to sleep within minutes.