Chapter 7: Confidences

A/N: Chiaro strikes me as the type that would be bad at accepting love. He obviously likes to be needed, and likes being in relationships where he can give a lot, but it never seems like he's in a position where he's receiving anything. I think this is probably at least partly because Chiaro doesn't know how be on the receiving end of a friendship, so he avoids it because it makes him feel awkward.

A/N 2: Since I have a term paper to write, it might be several days before I can update again, but here's a nice long chapter to read in the meantime. :-)

Somehow, it seemed to be a given now that Chiaro would hold Cesare while he slept. Chiaro was getting very adept at making him go to bed at what Cesare considered unreasonably early hours. It wasn't unusual for him normally to stay up until three or four in the morning, but now around midnight, or an hour past at the latest, Chiaro would rub his back, or stroke his hair or, worst of all, sit just far enough away that he wasn't driving away the demons until Cesare gave in. He usually saved this as a last resort.

What really both enthralled and alarmed Cesare was the change this habit was having on his personality. He found himself genuinely smiling, even just to himself, far more than he ever had since leaving Vanozza as a child. He was thrilled at the way Chiaro would seek out his company and to all appearances really enjoy it. These things wouldn't have been alarming in themselves if they hadn't started messing with his plans.

Cesare was suddenly extremely reluctant to ask Chiaro to kill anyone, and he hadn't in the week since Chiaro had been sleeping with him, although there were three people who he'd considered. But Chiaro hated killing. Cesare didn't want to hurt him by making him kill. And he was starting to ask himself in general if Chiaro would approve of whatever plans he was making. What did it matter if Chiaro approved? When had Chiaro become his conscience? He was supposed to be a ruthless world-conqueror, wasn't he?

He was becoming more human, it seemed, or at least nurturing his human side more than he ever had since childhood. He started paying more attention to human interactions, quite unintentionally, especially friendships. He watched boys at play, teasing and fighting with each other, and smiled a little at their antics. He watched members of guilds pat each other on the back after long workdays. His favorite was seeing young boy standing up for a younger boy, probably his brother, against a group of older children. He hadn't stood a chance, so Cesare had intervened, much to his own surprise. He hadn't needed to do much. He only appeared on the scene and made a show of siding with the younger boys, which scattered the older children.

"Thank you, sir!" the older boy said, looking a little overawed.

"No need to thank me. I'm glad to see such loyalty."

"Yes, sir!" The boy helped the younger boy to his feet. "He's the best brother in the whole world!"

Cesare smiled. "Then you take good care of him." He started to walk away and saw Chiaro, back from buying their lunch, standing at a bit of a distance looking surprised. He went to join his friend. "You're back," he said, still smiling.

"Yes. Since when do you talk to children?"

Cesare shrugged. "It was an unfair fight, six older children against those two boys, so I sent them on their way."

"Really?"

"Why do you sound so surprised?" Cesare asked.

"You wouldn't normally get involved."

"I make exceptions."

Chiaro made no reply to this, but he smiled brightly.

That night, Cesare was unusually thoughtful as he waited for Chiaro to change. He realized that really, all the observation of relationships had been studying, because he wanted figure out how to be closer to Chiaro. So far, everything about their friendship had been initiated by Chiaro. He felt he ought to make a contribution, for a change. If Chiaro felt that the relationship was completely one-sided, he would probably get frustrated and leave.

But Cesare still didn't have any ideas. Short of making the relationship romantic, he couldn't really initiate more physical affection, and he already knew Chiaro wouldn't want that. Besides… this was sweeter, somehow, like a patch of near-innocence in Cesare's twisted soul. But what, then? "Chiaro?"

"Yes?" Chiaro pulled on his nightshirt.

"What…?" He paused, wondering how to phrase this. "What do you want?"

Chiaro turned around and looked at him a bit blankly. "What do I want?"

"From me. You're always doing things for me, and I want to do something for you."

Chiaro blinked. "Um…." He came to sit beside Cesare on the bed, and shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well, see… I want… things to be better. For us to be closer. But you're always the one who does everything. I want to." Chiaro sighed. He sounded like a child, and saying this out loud felt so awkward. "I would think of something on my own… but I need to ask you, because I know I can't trust my instincts."

"Why?" Chiaro looked curious.

Cesare raised his eyebrow. "You're joking, right? Believe me, Chiaro, you do not want me to follow my instincts. They're one part of me that is very definitely not human anymore."

"How so?"

Cesare sighed. Chiaro would insist on an explanation. "My instincts leave no room for giving anything. They tell me to irrevocably bind you to me in any way I possibly can, regardless of your will or desire, and to lay claim to your body, mind, and soul, so no one can ever take you away from me."

"Pleasant," Chiaro replied, his voice sarcastic but not overly concerned.

Why didn't he ever react the way he was supposed to? "Honestly, Chiaro, why aren't you afraid of me?"

Chiaro considered. "Well… sometimes I am, honestly."

Cesare blinked. "You are?"

Chiaro smiled a little. "I'm not stupid. I know I'm flirting with fire. But the thing is, you still want me to like you. As long as you want that, and not just to consume me, I know that you are human enough that I have nothing to fear from you yet, regardless of how dangerous you might be to others."

"Is that your gauge?" Cesare asked. "For knowing when you have to kill me? That I'll get out of control and start trying to eat your heart?"

Chiaro frowned and shifted a little. "Don't say 'when,' please. I'm still hoping we won't get to that point."

"Because you don't want to lose me." And because you're an eternal optimist.

"Exactly. I love you. At any rate, I'm more afraid for you than I'm afraid of you. I don't really care all that much what happens to me."

Cesare was beginning to wonder if Chiaro was of an entirely different species than he was. "You still haven't answered my first question."

Chiaro was silent for a moment. "You're asking me how we can be closer?"

Cesare blinked, trying to process this turnaround. That had been his goal, but what he'd wanted to know what Chiaro wanted. "I… well… is that what you want?"

"Of course. You're my best friend, right?" He lay down with his arms behind his head and smiled. "Confidences."

Cesare blinked. "Sorry?"

"Confidences. I would feel closer to you if you confided in me sometimes."

Didn't he know that the closer he got to a fire, the more likely he was to get consumed? Why was Chiaro such an idiot? "But that's something you'd be doing for me. Listening to my confidences."

"Perhaps. But confidences mean you trust me, and I like to be trusted."

What Chiaro wanted most was yet another way to give? Didn't he ever want anything for himself? Was it possible that Chiaro considered a confidence a gift? Cesare looked at his hands, thinking. What would make a good confidence? He looked at Chiaro again, wondering why this was so important to him. He didn't really care if Chiaro confided in him. In the very rare cases when he had, Cesare usually hadn't understood his feelings and hadn't known what to say. And he certainly wasn't overeager to confide his own feelings to Chiaro. They were generally dark and twisted, and might very well achieve the opposite of what he wanted and drive Chiaro away. He tried to think if there were any confidences he could give Chiaro that would be easy to tell him and wouldn't require him to express his dark feelings. But then… that rather defeated the purpose of a confidence, didn't it?

"You're quiet all of a sudden," Chiaro said.

"I was thinking of a confidence to give you."

Chiaro laughed. "Cesare, I'm not saying you have to. I just meant… knowing that people trust me makes me feel closer to them. I didn't mean to put pressure on you."

Cesare sighed. Why couldn't Chiaro ever make sense? "You terrify me," he said without thinking.

"Cesare?" Chiaro looked surprised and a little hurt.

"Haven't… you ever had something that was wonderful but terrifying at the same time? Something you loved… except it didn't make sense why you had it to begin with… so you were always afraid you'd lose it?"

"Mm… besides you, you mean?"

"Me?" Well, he granted the "terrifying" part, and Chiaro was certainly afraid of losing him, but… wonderful? Cesare begged to differ.

"Why are you afraid of losing me?" Chiaro asked. "Didn't we already have this conversation?"

"Yes, and it didn't make any sense."

Chiaro looked confused. "What didn't make sense?"

"Why you love me."

"We've had this conversation too."

"It still didn't make any sense."

Chiaro gave a laugh. "Well, then what do you want me to say?"

"It's more… I don't think… it can make sense to me," Cesare said. He sighed. "See… if, say, you were in love with me, that I could understand. I would know how to keep you—by giving you my body."

"Um…."

"Or if, like Volpe, you admired me… if you loved me for my charisma, demonic though it may be, I could understand that as well, and I would know how to keep you—by acting like a king."

"You want me to be like Volpe?"

"No. Definitely not. I'm just saying…." He sighed. "Or, if you were like me, and loved me like I love you…." He paused, then shook his head. "I would probably run."

Chiaro, to Cesare's shock, started laughing. He looked at him, feeling a little annoyed. "Sorry," Chiaro said, still smiling. "But that kind of stands to reason, doesn't it? You would hate to have a master. You'd run away from anyone who wanted to own you, no matter what they were like. See, I don't mind having a master, not if he's you."

Definitely a completely different species. "This is funny?"

Chiaro laughed a little again. "I was just laughing at the way you said it."

Cesare managed to smile as well, but it faded. "But I don't understand your love," he said quietly. "I don't understand… friendship love. I recognized it today, in that boy that was protecting his younger brother, but… I still don't understand it. So… I don't know how to keep you. And it scares me."

Chiaro was quiet for a moment, staring at the ceiling. "But you feel it yourself."

"No, I told you. I'm a conqueror. I want to own you."

"Right, but that's not all. You also want me to like you."

"Because you'll stay if you like me."

Chiaro met his eyes. "That's the only reason? You don't like the feeling of being liked by itself?"

Cesare frowned thoughtfully. "No, I do." He reveled in it.

"That's friendship love."

Cesare thought about this. "So… all I have to do is like you?"

Chiaro nodded.

"But that's not all," Cesare said. "Yours… is a giving love. I can't understand… why you want to give." He looked down. "I remember it vaguely, because I used to feel it for Lucrezia, but I don't think I can anymore, and I don't remember… how to understand it. And I don't know if I'll ever have anything to give back."

"But you have," Chiaro said. He smiled. "Don't you see? Every time I hug you, you hug me back."

"Well… yes, but…." Cesare was trying to remember the peaceful, warm feeling when he'd hugged Lucrezia as a child and felt her small arms tightly wrapped round his neck. He'd promised to always protect her. He'd broken that promise rather badly… and he could no longer remember how to love like that. Of all things the demons had taken from him, Cesare felt this loss the most, and he suddenly envied Chiaro a little for apparently being able to feel that way about him.

"Cesare." Chiaro's voice was gentle, and Cesare turned to meet his eyes. "It's okay if you need me. I want to be needed. That's why I started following you to begin with."

Cesare blinked. "It… was? Really?" He stared. "You mean… you wanted to start following me?"

Chiaro looked confused. "How did you miss that?"

"But… I was trying to make you feel guilty… so you would accept it as your penance."

"Were you really?" Chiaro grinned, obviously amused.

"You mean… you decided you wanted to in spite of my making you, or…?"

"No; I'd already promised I would, as soon as I let the demons heal you, because I knew you would need me. I would have stayed with you even if you hadn't asked. I just hadn't had a chance to tell you yet, since you were asleep."

"Are you serious?" Chiaro had decided to follow Cesare on his own? Cesare was so bewildered, he almost failed to notice how strangely overjoyed he felt at this revelation.

"Oh, yes." Chiaro smiled ruefully. "It was supposed to be this great, touching moment where I'd tell you what had happened and why I thought you should live, and that I promised to stay by your side no matter what happened… and then you completely ruined it."

Cesare stared at him, and then he started laughing. "You poor thing," he said at last, putting a hand to his head. "You must have been ready to cry when I said I wouldn't forgive you."

"Well… yes, actually."

Cesare shook his head. "You're even more of an idiot than I thought. Back then when you wanted to be friends, I thought you were trying to make the best of a bad situation."

Chiaro shook his head. "I wanted to be your friend when I met you."

Cesare looked at him. "You tried to kill me when you first met me."

"I didn't want to. I didn't even want to take the job to begin with, and I felt even worse about it when I met you. The second time I didn't want to even more. And obviously, the third time, I couldn't. And then everything happened, and my father was gone, but then suddenly you not only needed me, but you wanted me too, and you invited me to come with you. I wanted someone to protect and serve, and you graciously offered, promising to show me the world in the process." Chiaro smiled. "So I made you my king in my mind when you were fifteen. And then you became my friend. That's two bonds. You don't have anything to worry about."

"So you want to be liked, wanted, needed and trusted?" Cesare asked, trying to pin this down.

"Mm-hmm," Chiaro said, closing his eyes. He opened them and smiled. Cesare was really beginning to love his smile. "Hugs are nice, too," he said.

Cesare smiled back. Finally, something he could give. He drew Chiaro up into a hug, and he hugged him back tightly. "Actually, I've been really happy lately," Chiaro said. "I didn't know you loved me until you told me a week or so ago. You always made everything seem like a joke."

Cesare hadn't wanted Chiaro to know he loved him, because he hadn't known the feelings were returned until very recently. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, still hugging his friend. Now that he thought about it, Chiaro had given him plenty of reason to feel loved, and he'd never given Chiaro any. He would have to remedy that. He lay down on the bed, pulling Chiaro with him. Chiaro started to turn so he could hold him, but Cesare pulled him back. "No. I want to hold you tonight."

"Oh." Chiaro smiled a little. "Um… but…." He was stiff, resisting.

Cesare let him go and sat up, panicking a little. Had he done something wrong? If it was all right for Chiaro to hold him, wasn't it all right for him to hold Chiaro? He sat frozen for a moment, not knowing what to do.

Chiaro looked at him, seeming a little confused. Then his expression softened. "Damn," he said, putting a hand to his forehead. "Sorry. You just surprised me." He hesitated. "Um…."

Why was he acting like this? It didn't seem to make any sense with everything that had happened so far. "What?" Cesare asked at last. "Do you like one-sided relationships?"

Chiaro blinked a few times and looked at him, his expression curiously blank. He blinked again. "Uh…." He blinked once more. "No, that's… um… sorry, I just… because I'm supposed to… but if you want to, that's fine."

Cesare was confused. What, had Chiaro thought Cesare holding him somehow wasn't allowed? "So… I can hold you?"

"Sure." Chiaro smiled. He allowed Cesare to draw him close and hold him, and relaxed, or seemed to at least. Cesare smiled, relaxing himself. This was nice. He could see why Chiaro liked it. Had he really been that detached, that Chiaro hadn't even known he cared? "Sorry; that wasn't a very good confidence, was it? Telling you why I was afraid?"

Chiaro shook his head. "It was very good. Thank you. I think I understand a little better now."

"You're so weird." Cesare ran his fingers through Chiaro's golden hair, wondering if it felt as good to Chiaro as it did to him. He wanted to reciprocate now, to give Chiaro what Chiaro gave him, and he wished he knew how. Chiaro never seemed to need him. Chiaro was always the protector, always the caretaker, always the knight. Who would protect and care for Chiaro? Cesare smiled. Well, himself, of course. After all, Chiaro belonged to him.

And yet, the next morning Cesare woke to find that they had somehow switched places during the night, so that Chiaro was holding him. Cesare remembered ruefully that he didn't wake up when Chiaro moved him. "Chiaro," he scolded, sitting up, which woke his friend.

"Wh… what?" he asked groggily.

"Am I never allowed to be on the giving end?"

Once again, Chiaro looked at him blankly. "What do you mean? The giving end of what?"

Was this why Chiaro had sidetracked the discussion last night? Because he didn't want Cesare to give him anything? That was hardly fair. Cesare sat beside his friend and put an arm around him. "Friendship goes both ways, Chiaro."

"Um… okay…." Chiaro sounded a little nervous. "Uh… what do you want?"

"For you to tell me what you want."

"But I have everything I want."

"I don't believe you."

Chiaro said nothing for several seconds. Then he turned to look at Cesare's hand on his shoulder for a moment, before blinking a few times and looking down at his own hands. "I… I don't know." His voice was unusually quiet.

"Could you at least think about it?" Cesare asked.

Chiaro smiled a little. "If you want me to."

"I do. Thank you." Cesare patted his shoulder and let go. He was now confident, for once, that he wasn't doing anything wrong; Chiaro was just being an idiot. "You should get dressed." Chiaro nodded and went to do so. Sighing, Cesare shook his head. Yes, he would protect and care for Chiaro—if Chiaro would let him.

…

Chiaro sighed as he polished his boots. What did Cesare want him to say? Really, he had no right to ask for anything with all Cesare had given him, and the thing he wanted more than anything else was impossible. At least, probably impossible. Definitely impossible if Cesare kept walking the path he was on, and Chiaro couldn't ask him to stop for his sake. Not only that, but he had told Cesare what he wanted—several times—and Cesare had always dismissed it.

It would be unfair to tell Cesare how very, very much this meant to him, especially since to some degree Cesare really had no control over it. But Chiaro couldn't stop his selfish wishing. If only Cesare would be satisfied. If only he would stop. If only he would stop taking help from the demons he claimed to hate. Then maybe, maybe…. But really, Chiaro wasn't nearly important enough to ask for all of that. It was unfair. Stupid. But….

Chiaro blinked his eyes quickly and glared at his boots. "Idiot," he whispered into the empty room. "Idiot. You know what I want. How many times do I have to tell you?" He blinked quickly again but didn't quite manage to stop a tear from landing on one of his boots. "I want you to stay with me. I want you to be mine, not theirs." He pressed his hand against his eyes. "I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to let them have you. I want you to stop getting help from them, because all it does is give them a stronger hold on you, and it makes your time shorter, and I want you to stay with me." He sighed. "Please. Stay with me."

"Chiaro?"

Chiaro quickly brushed away his tears as Cesare approached his doorway. "Yes?"

"Aren't you ready yet?"

"Almost. Sorry." Chiaro pulled on his boots. He'd finish polishing them later. He went to the door, smiling. "Sorry to keep you waiting."

Cesare blinked and looked closely at him. "Are you all right?"

"Of course."

Cesare's eyebrows drew together. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Isn't the Spanish diplomat waiting on you?"

"He can wait a bit longer."

Chiaro blinked. Cesare was assigning him more importance that the Spanish diplomat? He was willing to put his plans on hold just because he was worried about Chiaro? Chiaro's smile suddenly became a real one, and he felt his face grow a little warm. "Well… well yeah, but there's no reason to make him."

Cesare's worried expression disappeared, though he looked a little confused.

"Come on," Chiaro said, grinning.