Chapter 18: A Selfish Moment

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. But anyone who thought I'd kill Chiaro with cantarella can now breathe a sigh of relief. Also, I'm so proud of Chiaro in this chapter. :-)

A/N 2: So, I think Volpe is worried that Cesare will somehow give up his demon powers for Chiaro, and that's why he's kind of flipping out.

Chiaro woke up, clearheaded for the first time in days. The first thing he was conscious of was how very, very, very tired he was. The second thing was that he was being held. By Cesare. Who had been at his side almost every minute of this entire ordeal. He knew that much, and Cesare's face showed it. There were dark circles under his eyes. Chiaro started to get up, moving slowly so as not to wake Cesare… but Cesare was awake immediately anyway.

"Chiaro?" he asked.

"Yeah. Good morning."

Cesare opened his eyes, no longer looking groggy. He sat up and grabbed Chiaro by the shoulders. "Chiaro? Are you all right?" His eyes bored into Chiaro's.

Chiaro gave a laugh. "I'm fine."

Cesare pulled him into a hug. "Don't act like I'm worried for nothing. Do you know how long you've been sick?" He let go, holding Chiaro at arm's length. "How do you feel?"

"Tired. And some of my wounds still hurt, but other than that…."

"No paralysis?"

"No."

Cesare gave a sigh of relief.

"What about you? How do you feel?"

Cesare looked at him blankly.

Chiaro smiled. "Never mind." He thought for a minute. "How long was I out?"

"This is the fourth day since you woke up and couldn't move."

"Fourth?" Chiaro frowned. "But… shouldn't you be home by now? I mean, aren't people worried about you?"

Cesare shrugged. "It didn't matter. I couldn't have taken you with me in that condition, so I stayed."

Chiaro stared at him. He could only imagine the uproar this must be causing, for the pope's right-hand man to suddenly go missing and almost everyone in Pisano's castle to be killed in the same few-day period. Cesare should have returned immediately, to clear his name and make sure no suspicious eyes looked at him. What would they do now? "Cesare, you—!" He cut himself off, suddenly remembering the complete terror of the last few days, and the warmth and comfort of Cesare's embrace. If Cesare hadn't been there…. He looked at Cesare, who had cocked an eyebrow. "Thank… thank you," Chiaro said, face growing a little warm. "Thank you for staying."

Cesare smiled and drew Chiaro into his arms, holding him. "You're more than welcome. For a second there, I thought you were going to tell me off."

"I was," Chiaro replied, his voice a little muffled by having his face nestled into Cesare's shoulder. "But I'm having a selfish moment."

Cesare gave a laugh. "I like your selfish moments. You should have more of them."

"Really, though," Chiaro said, "they must be in a panic."

"So Volpe informs me," Cesare said mildly. "I have been sending messages trying to reassure my poor father, but he refuses to be reassured until I am available to 'explain myself.'"

Chiaro sighed a little. "You know you're playing with fire."

"Am I ever not playing with fire?" Cesare asked curiously.

"What are you going to tell them?"

Cesare sighed. "I'm not sure. I could just tell them we were waylaid and grievously wounded and had to stay until our wounds healed."

"And Pisano? They'll already know by now he held me captive."

"I could confess to killing in self-defense."

"Cesare, you had to have killed at least thirty people that night. None of the guards who were with me initially went after you."

"Yes, but they don't know that. And if I'd given them time to think, they probably would have."

"True." Chiaro sighed. "Pisano himself… that will be your biggest problem, but I can confess to that."

"Why would you?"

"Well, technically, if I hadn't held onto him, he wouldn't have died."

"There's nothing to protect you if you confess. I will. I can definitely claim self defense in that case."

Chiaro frowned. "It… might work. But you're really not supposed to be fighting regardless of whether it's self-defense or not."

Cesare shrugged. "If I'm demoted, it isn't the end of the world. My father won't have me imprisoned. He's afraid of me."

"If… you're sure."

"I already made my decision." He smiled a little. "You're not arguing with me again, are you?"

"No. I'm trying to figure out what to do now. I already told you, I'm glad you stayed. I don't know… what would have happened if you hadn't." He'd felt so pathetic, unable to do anything, unable to even think straight. But even worse had been the fear. "You being there was the only thing that made me feel safe," Chiaro confessed.

"I know," Cesare said. "It was good to be able to protect you for a change. I really am serious, Chiaro. I want you to be more selfish."

"Um…." Chiaro turned a little pink.

"When you're upset, or afraid, or hurt, or anything, I want you to tell me, so I can help you. It's okay for you to want things. You can confide in me too."

Chiaro looked uncertain, but he smiled a little. "All right… I guess."

Cesare was silent, giving Chiaro a chance to ask for something. After a moment, Chiaro blinked. "Um…." He looked a little nervous. "Will you… sit next to me? So… so I can lean on you?"

Cesare smiled and quickly complied, leaning back against the headboard with his arm around Chiaro. "Thank you," he said.

"I don't understand why you're so insistent," Chiaro said. "You already do so much without my asking. How many other kings would have done all this for their knights?"

"But you're not just my knight. And I hope I'm not just your king."

"Of course not," Chiaro said, smiling. "I'm the luckiest knight in the world, because my king is my best friend." He closed his eyes for a moment, then looked at Cesare. "I think we need to go home now, though," he said, looking apologetic. "Before Italy collapses."

"True," Cesare said. "Are you well enough?"

"Yes, I'm just tired. Whatever happened with the doctor?"

"He's still here. He's been playing chess with Volpe when he's not needed."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm rather hoping they'll strike up a friendship so Volpe doesn't insist on killing him after all. The problem is, the doctor figured out who I am, and that's making Volpe nervous. So the doctor is our prisoner at the moment, but I plan on releasing him with a reward as soon as we're ready to leave."

Chiaro smiled. "That's good of you."

"Well, I wanted him to do a good job. And I'd rather not have the town raise an outcry because we killed their doctor."

"Still, though."

Cesare smiled. "It was nice to be the good person for once. Even if that did still include taking him prisoner."

"I'm sure he's grateful not to be dead."

"Oh, yes. It's useful to have Volpe make worse threats than I'd make, because then I look mild in comparison."

Chiaro laughed. "I wish I had some fresh clothes. I don't know what I'll wear."

"Oh, I ordered us some clothes." Cesare went and came back with a folded pair of clothes. "I'm already wearing mine."

"Can I bathe first?" Chiaro asked.

"Of course, though that will mean you'll have to be bandaged again."

"That's fine." Chiaro went outside to bathe, glad for chance to finally get the sweat and remainders of the blood off his skin, even if the water was cold.

"Feeling better?" asked Volpe's voice behind him.

Chiaro jumped and turned. "Yes, finally."

"I wanted to ask, do you care at all about whether Cesare is successful in his goals?"

"I care about whether he's happy," Chiaro replied.

"Don't you realize that if he fails, it will be the greatest disappointment of his life?"

"You're asking me to leave him," Chiaro deduced, frowning.

"I'm asking you to die."

Chiaro jumped a little. "That's a little extreme, don't you think?"

"He'll never get over you leaving him. He'll chase you for the rest of his life. You have to die for him to be free of you."

Chiaro backed away a little, suddenly keenly aware of the fact that Volpe had a sword and he did not, having taken it off to bathe. He couldn't help glancing at where it lay, perhaps fifteen paces away.

"Cesare is a conqueror. He desires power and dominion. Do you have any idea how disgusting it is to see him in love? He's like Aesop's lion, toothless and clawless."

"He's not in love with me."

"You're really deluding yourself? Why, because he hasn't asked you to sleep with him? Oh, wait, he has."

Chiaro squirmed a little and edged closer to his sword.

"He kissed you, you know. Several times, when you were sleeping."

"He was giving me water," Chiaro said flatly.

"You don't think he enjoyed it?"

"Certainly didn't seem to." Chiaro moved a little closer to the sword. This really didn't matter.

"Regardless, he is losing his conqueror's heart because of you."

"Are you going to kill me?" Chiaro backed closer to his sword. "Do you really think Cesare will forgive you for killing me?"

"I hoped you might spare me the duty."

"I won't kill myself."

"Then you leave me no choice."

Chiaro ran, picking up his sword, letting instinct take over as Volpe attacked. He hadn't managed to get it out of its sheath, so his swordplay was purely defensive.

"Tagio!" Cesare's voice rang over the courtyard, and Volpe stopped, turning to him.

"Say we were sparring," Volpe said quietly as Cesare approached.

"What's going on?" Cesare asked angrily, glaring at Volpe.

"Nothing," Chiaro said. "We were sparring. I was trying to get back in shape."

Cesare looked at him doubtfully. "Half-naked with your sword still in its sheath and wounds that haven't healed?"

"I'm the better swordsman and I didn't want to hurt Volpe."

Cesare raised an eyebrow and looked at Volpe. "Is this true?"

"Yes, sir." Volpe actually had the gall to look offended at Cesare's mistrust. Chiaro wanted to call him out right then, but… well, if he was cautious, it wouldn't matter, and it seemed like Cesare still needed Volpe.

Cesare's eyes narrowed. "I hope you're telling the truth, Tagio. I am not very forgiving of people lying to me."

Chiaro swallowed.

"And if I find out you do mean Chiaro harm, I would point out to you that you are expendable and he is not."

Volpe looked a little hurt. Cesare handed Chiaro the clothes he was carrying. "Get dressed. And wear your sword when you bathe."

"Right," Chiaro said, quickly dressing and following Cesare away from Volpe.

"So why are you lying?" Cesare asked quietly once they were away.

"Wh… what? I'm not!"

Cesare gave him a look that sliced through all façades. Chiaro stood there, frozen. Cesare gave a huff. "Chiaro, I'm not going to punish you for lying to me."

"Oh…." Chiaro didn't know what to say.

"So, why are you lying to me?"

"He… look, I know he doesn't like me very much, but he's useful to you, right? I don't want you to get rid of him just on account of me. I'll be more careful."

Cesare sighed. "Do you know if he actually meant to kill you? Or was he only angry?"

"I… I don't know. He's pretty upset at how much you've changed."

"Not to mention morbidly jealous of the all affection I've showered you with," Cesare said. He paused. "I think… he might be in love with me."

"Volpe?" Chiaro paused. The idea was so disturbing, he didn't even want to think about it. "Is that a joke?"

"No, unfortunately. He… he tried to seduce me."

Chiaro said nothing. Tried?

"But I don't know if that was just because he was trying to offer me something he knew you wouldn't, in hopes that it would turn me away from you and towards him." Cesare looked down. "It was like being embraced by darkness, and I think they wanted me to… it scared me."

"What was?" Chiaro asked.

Cesare glanced up. He smiled just a little. "I didn't sleep with him. He only hugged me. Didn't even kiss me. He was waiting for my permission, and I didn't give it, although some part of me wanted to… like some part of me wants to let the demons take me over and give me their power. It was that desire… that terrified me."

Hesitantly, Chiaro reached over and put a hand on his shoulder. Cesare smiled wanly. "Volpe was wrong, though. Even with the visions they were giving me… all I could think was that I wanted you. And then Niccolo showed up and I finally managed to wrench out of him where you were. And meanwhile he was standing there trying to make me think you'd betrayed me."

"Huh?"

"Niccolo said you didn't want me to know where you were because you were afraid I'd come after you."

Chiaro scowled. "That was true, but what a way of putting it. Bastard." He started to ask what Cesare had thought but stopped himself.

"I couldn't believe it," Cesare said. "They kept whispering at me, and Volpe was throwing in his two cents, telling me you'd been wanting your freedom for a while… but I still couldn't believe it, so I kept pressing Niccolo for the truth."

Chiaro smiled, but he was still worried. Volpe had put him on edge again. "But you… don't want from me… what Volpe offered you… right?"

"Definitely not," Cesare said firmly.

Chiaro raised his eyebrows, a little amused.

"Do you have any idea how awkward it was to give you water mouth to mouth?"

Chiaro snorted and started laughing heartily. "Sorry."

"Besides, I told you," Cesare said, "I like this kind of relationship better. Anyway, regardless of whether he's in love with me, Volpe is also angry because he wants me to be the demonic world conqueror he envisions, and I don't want to be, because I want to be someone who can be a good friend to you." He sighed. "Not that I don't want to be a world conqueror, I just…." He sat down on the garden wall and briefly put a hand to his forehead. "I was hoping I would have figured out what to do by the time I went home, but I don't, and I'm tired of agonizing over it."

"Well you haven't really had much time to think about it, worrying over me," Chiaro said, sitting beside him.

"Of course I have. The entire time you were asleep, I was thinking, trying to come up with something and always drawing a blank. Unless there is someway to be completely purged from the demons, I am doomed."

"But we're going to keep trying my blood, right?" Chiaro asked, brightening a little. "We should probably go back to Rome first since it'll make you sick, but after that—"

"Maybe." Cesare sighed heavily. "You know, I hated doing that. Could you not stand there grinning like you're offering me a cup of newt tea?"

Chiaro forced down a laugh. "I don't know what your problem is. I didn't mind."

"My problem is, I don't know if it actually works, and if it does, I don't want to end up needing it."

"Do you think that's likely?"

"I don't know."

"But even if you do, my body keeps making more blood, you know."

"Chiaro, how would you feel if I asked you to drink my blood?"

"A little hurt, since that would probably mean you wanted me dead."

"Could you be serious?" Cesare said angrily.

Chiaro's smile faded and he sighed. "Cesare, I'm trying to cheer you up."

"You're not doing a very good job."

"What can I say, then, to make you happy?"

"I don't know."

Chiaro drew Cesare into a hug, holding on tightly as Cesare relaxed. "Does this help?" Chiaro asked.

"This always helps," Cesare replied. "But a hug unfortunately won't make the demons and Rome and my father go away." He held on tightly for a moment, then slowly let go and got to his feet. "Well, why don't we have something to eat and then get going?"

A/N 3: Sigh, if only it were as simple as telling the demons to leave and they would leave. But unfortunately, they aren't that polite. Poor Cesare.