Bella POV
Alice, Jasper and I stood on the line waiting to have our meals rung up at the register. I sensed rather than saw Edward enter the cafeteria due to the increase of buzzing conversation around me. He slipped in line behind me placing a kiss on the top of my head.
"Hi" I said smiling and automatically leaned into him. Somewhere in the vicinity I heard Jessica make a gagging noise and I rolled my eyes at her display of immaturity.
"She just wishes she were you." Alice whispered to me under her breath but loud enough that Jessica could hear.
"Hey, no cutting Cullen!" Mike Newton shouted from behind us.
"It's not cutting if we're on the same tab." Edward retorted back which surprisingly shut Mike up. He then sighed deeply sounding almost disappointed or exasperated, I couldn't tell which and before I knew it Edward put 2 slices of pizza on the tray next to the lone apple that I had put there before he arrived. Of course, I thought. I'm not even allowed to make my own decisions about what to eat.
"I'm not going to eat all of that." I told him.
"Don't be absurd, Bella. One slice is for me of course."
"Of course" I muttered. "I suppose you're paying as well."
In answer to my statement, he already had taken out his wallet and gave the money to the lunch lady. For some reason Jessica and Mike joined Angela, Ben, Alice, Jasper, Edward and I at the lunch table. I knew the next 45 minutes would be awkward at best. My eyes darted between the pizza and the apple on my tray and in an act of what I knew was childish defiance, I took a big bite of the apple completely ignoring the pizza. I could feel Edward's disapproving gaze on me as I chewed but at that moment, I didn't care.
"I got my acceptance to UCLA over the break." Jessica announced excitedly.
"That's great Jess." Angela told her. "I'm still waiting to hear back from my schools."
"Do you know where you're going Bella?" Jessica asked me.
Startled by the question, I started to choke on the half chewed chunks of apple in my mouth. College was something that was not on the list of my priorities over the last several months especially when getting out of bed in the mornings had been a challenge. I think Jessica knew this judging by the malicious gleam in her eye as she looked at me smugly.
"Are you okay Bella?" Edward asked alarmed, gently patting my back.
I nodded as I coughed once more. The apple I had begun to eat so heartily now felt like a piece of lead at the bottom of my stomach as I realized where this conversation was heading. I hadn't told Edward that my grades had been less than stellar this year in his absence. It would only cause him more guilt and he was harboring enough already. The truth was I hadn't planned on having any future until a few days ago. They all were looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was suffocating.
"Excuse me for a minute?" I said getting up from my chair and running out of the cafeteria feeling Edward's eyes at my back until I escaped from the doors. I didn't even know where I was headed until I found myself outside, opening the door of my truck and climbing into the seat. My trembling hands gripped the steering wheel and I leaned my head forward against it letting the hot tears flow down my cheeks.
It was only a matter of time before I broke really, considering the events of the past days that turned my world completely upside down even though it was turned completely right again. Who knew the break would come sooner rather than later? I supposed it was the culmination of everything including how much of a mess I made my future with all the stupidity of the previous months. On top of that was Edward treating me as a child incapable of making any decisions for myself again, as if I hadn't been competent in making my own choices for years before he came along. At this moment I did feel incapable, incapable and useless.
Edward POV
Even not being able to read Bella's mind, I knew she was annoyed with me as soon as she started to eat her apple and not the pizza I had picked out for her. Didn't she realize that I only wanted her to be healthy again? I supposed she thought I was being controlling and perhaps I was but it was only for her own benefit. She looked even more breakable now than before I left.
"I got my acceptance to UCLA over the break." Jessica announced.
"That's great Jess." Angela told her. "I'm still waiting to hear back from my schools."
"Do you know where you're going Bella?" Jessica asked Bella directly. Maybe I would finally get to know what Bella's college plans were, if she had any. What am I thinking? Of course she would although I still think that Dartmouth would be the best choice for both of us.
Bella started to choke on the apple she had been chewing. Apparently, she didn't expect the question.
I started to gently pat her back, beginning to get alarmed that she was still choking.
"Are you okay Bella?" I asked her concerned.
She nodded and coughed once more. "Excuse me for a minute?" She said getting up from her chair and ran out of the cafeteria. I watched her back as she ran and had no idea what to do. Did I go after her? Maybe she was running off to the bathroom and would be back in a few minutes.
"Was it something I said?" Jessica asked feigning innocence. Bella's probably embarrassed because she's not going anywhere.
With the exception of Victoria, I was never tempted to hit a female until now. I turned to Jasper, who looked just as disgusted as I with Jessica. However, he answered my silent question regarding Bella's mood.
Shame, anger, despair. Those three words he silently uttered caused my brain to go into overdrive. Why? I wondered. Was she that distressed over college? The matter could be so easily fixed. But of course she wouldn't see it that way. I looked to Alice for any advice she could give me about how to proceed.
Go to her, Edward. She's crying in her truck Alice conveyed to me. I didn't need to think twice about it.
"Excuse me." I said getting up to head out the doors to Bella.
Edward wait. Alice called out to me in her mind. What she says to you, you need to listen to her, I mean really listen. It's important. Don't worry, all will be well.
With Alice's words echoing through my head, I ran outside into the rain. I spotted her, huddled over her steering wheel, shoulders moving up and down with what I assumed were sobs, deep heart wrenching sobs. Moving without conscious thought, I made my way to her, opening her truck door and getting in beside her. Her tears didn't stop but she turned to me and I could do nothing but cradle her in my arms, my chin resting gently on top of her head.
"Love, please. Tell me what's wrong. I hate seeing you like this. Tell me what to do to make it better." I pleaded with her.
"No" She shook her head, her voice muffled by my shirt.
"Why not?" She could be so exasperatingly stubborn sometimes.
Her fingers gripped tighter onto my shirt. "I don't want to hurt you." Of course, I thought. How utterly like Bella to be more concerned about my feelings than her own.
"Bella, look at me please." I said tilting her head up so I could look into her tearful eyes. "You're already hurting me by keeping whatever it is that is upsetting you bottled up inside. Tell me what it is. We can fix it together." I promised.
She looked at me and I knew she was trying to judge the sincerity of my words. Nodding, she reached over to the glove compartment, pulled out a box of tissues and blew her nose.
"It's a few things actually." She started.
Obviously Bella was keeping a lot more in than she let on. It disturbed me that she had gotten so accomplished at hiding her emotions while I was away. I could no longer read her as easily as I once did and I knew, thanks to Angela, she learned how to camouflage because of me. "Okay then let's go through them one by one. Jessica asking about college plans is what set you off, correct? Why don't we start off with that?"
She let out a deep breath and I could feel her heart beat pick up in pace. "Okay…" She shook her head again. "No Edward, I can't."
"Bella" I sighed. "I went through 24 hours believing you were…dead" I said forcing the bitter tasting word out of my mouth. "There is no greater pain than that. So please." I asked her once more.
"It's just that I never applied to any colleges. After you…well you know, my grades suffered. I went from a straight 'A' student to getting B's and C's. I didn't think about college because…well because frankly I hadn't planned on living past a few days ago."
She looked up at me to see how I was taking this, trying to gauge my guilt. It was hard to hide but I did it for her. I needed her to tell me these things and she wouldn't if she thought for one moment it was causing me pain.
"It's okay love. We can work on your college applications together. I'm sure it's not too late. I think Dartmouth will allow late entries." In fact I would make sure of it. A large donation would do it.
She pulled back from me then. "Dartmouth, Edward? Be serious. Even if I could get in, which I seriously doubt by the way, I would never be able to pay for it."
Didn't she get it yet that I would do anything, pay any price for her and be glad to do it? Money was of no consequence to me. "I could…"
"No!" she shouted. "I know what you're going to say and don't"
"But Bella…"
"But nothing, Edward. I mean it."
I knew I wouldn't be able to get through to her now. Perhaps I could arrange a scholarship, anonymously of course. "Okay fine but I will help you with your applications, including one to Dartmouth. You never know."
She looked skeptical but finally nodded.
"There's something else that is bothering you?" I asked her remembering that she said there were a few things on her mind.
"Uh, yeah but we don't have to discuss that now."
"I think we should. It's better to get it all out in one shot." Whatever else was on her mind, I didn't want sitting between us. I heard Alice's words reverberate through my head. "You need to listen to her, I mean really listen."
She smoothed her hands down my cheek then. "You know I love you, right?" She questioned.
I nodded slowly. "As I love you." I replied wondering where she was headed.
"Yes, well…Oh I don't know how to say this." She worried her bottom lip with her teeth. Even though I wasn't an empath like Jasper, I knew she was anxious.
"Just tell me."
"It's just that you make me so angry sometimes."
That I was not expecting. "How so?"
"Well, it's just that and I know you mean well but I feel like you are trying to control me all the time as if I can't make decisions on my own. You dictate our relationship; decide who I can and can't hang out with and you have even gone as far as picking my food out for me. It's stifling and it makes me feel like less than a person. I don't need another parent. " She laughed mockingly then. "In fact, I've been more of a parent than my own mother and father. The last decision my parents made for me was when my mom signed me up for ballet and we all know how well that turned out. I've been running my life for many years and with the exception of the past few months, I don't think I did too badly."
"I didn't…" I started only to have Bella interrupt me again.
"Just listen, please." Bella placed her finger over my lips and I heard Alice's voice again telling me to listen. "If…and I mean if I decide to marry you, I need to know that you will treat me as an equal, a true life partner. You will discuss things with me. You won't autonomously make decisions regarding me or us. I don't want a 19th century marriage. Like I said, I know you mean well and only seek to protect me but Edward, it makes me feel like a useless, incapable child when you do that and it hurts me that you don't think I am smart enough or competent enough or even trust me enough to do things or decide things on my own."
I hung my head in shameful remorse and wrapped my arms more tightly around her holding her close. I had no idea I was making her feel like this. All I wanted to do was protect her and never saw that I wasn't protecting but controlling her. I hadn't been treating her as my equal and for that I was ashamed.
"I'm so sorry Bella" I whispered. "Of course I think you are intelligent and capable. It's just that you are so necessary to me in ways I don't think you can comprehend that all my survival instincts kick in at the thought of any harm coming to you. I'm glad you told me how you feel."
"So you're not mad at me then?"
"Mad at you? For telling me how you feel? Never think that, love. I am madder at myself for not seeing it and what it has done to you and done to us. It won't be easy for me to change but I will promise to try and amend my ways. Though, I am always going to be protective of you. I can't help that."
"I know you can't" She said snuggling closer.
"You may have to remind me from time to time." It wasn't going to be easy, I knew. Bella's safety and well being was my top if not my only priorities. But she was right. I needed to trust her if I wanted her to consent to be my wife. "And in turn I want you to promise me something." I said.
"What is it?" She asked and I could hear trepidation in her tone.
"If there is something, anything bothering you…I don't care if it's a headache, I need you to tell me. I don't care how painful you think it is for me to hear, your silence hurts me more."
"I guess that is how I try to protect you." She said. "It's the only way I know I can. But I will try to be more forthcoming as well."
We would heal…together. I felt more confident now that we had this conversation that she would soon decide to be my bride and we would have all of eternity together. If I was honest with myself, I knew I was too selfish to ever let her go. The part of me that I tried to keep hidden, the part of me that secretly wanted her to be of my kind was getting harder and harder to deny. It no longer was only what she wanted but what we both wanted.
Unable to stop the descent of my lips onto hers, I kissed her feeling her mouth mold to mine. I gently caressed my tongue along her bottom lip and felt her tremble with passion in my arms. It was an effort to restrain myself from laying her down on the seat of the truck and exploring her fully as I knew she wanted me to do. We were in a truck for God's sake, in the school parking lot. No! I reluctantly reigned myself in and gave her one last kiss before pulling away. I would not, we would not do this until she was my wife. Besides I could so very easily kill her if I lost control.
"Forgive me, love." I whispered to her stroking her hair. Her eyes still glazed with passion.
"For what?" Starting or stopping?" She said grinning mischievously.
Bella POV