Chapter Twenty-One: A Goodbye At Last

A/N: Did anyonehave to write a Freshman Paper (like the Senior Paper)?! No one I've ever talked to has... But guess who has to?! Me... Just freakin peachy. My friends and I were talking about how this paper is agonizing and how it's too stressful and suddenly this one kid walked by and said, "Voodoo dolls are perfect stress relievers..." Talk about awkward silence... I am now afraid of that kid.

Thanks for all the amazing reviews!

~Severus Addicted

The sound of the bathroom door opening fifteen minutes later told Severus Harry was done in the bathroom.

Harry sighed softly and sat down on the couch. 'This is going to be a long conversation...'

Severus entered the living room with a cup of hot tea in his hand. He sat in the chair across from Harry then took a small sip of his drink. "Why did you leave your room last night, Harry?" He leveled Harry with a stern look as he placed his cup on the end table.

Harry gulped at the look then quickly started to explain, "I-well I couldn't get to sleep last night..."

"Then why did you not come over to me and inform me of this?" Severus asked raising his tone slightly.

'Why didn't I go over to him?' Harry sighed and said, "That's a very good question."

Severus narrowed his eyes at the fourteen year old and said, "Now is not the time for your cheeky answers, young man!"

Harry shook his head and tried to defend himself, "It wasn't supposed to be cheeky!"

"Oh it wasn't? Then explain to me why it is!" 'I need to calm down...' Severus closed his eyes and took a deep calming breath.

"No, it wasn't supposed to be cheeky! I don't know why! Maybe because you obviously thought it was!" Harry huffed angrily.

Suddenly Severus stood from his seat and glared down at him, "Don't you dare use that tone of voice with me Harry James!"

Harry glared right back and snapped, "I just did." No sooner had the words came out of his mouth he was spun around and six stinging swats came down.

Severus could feel his blood boiling as he turned Harry back around, "Go to your room."

Harry bolted for his bedroom as fast as he could.

As soon as Harry's door was closed Severus quickly sat on the chair and put his head in his hands. "I need to calm down.." Severus whispered softly to himself.

'I am not my father.' Severus sighed and stood to go to his room, he definitely needed a little nap to help him calm down.

'Why is he so angry at me? I didn't mean to be cheeky...' Harry sighed and layed down on his bed. It has been one long day that was for sure.

Harry stared at his ceiling and mindlessly counted the tiles until he fell into a soft slumber.

A half an hour later found Severus in front of Harry's door about to knock, "Harry, come on out."

Severus could hear the bed squeak as Harry got off it so he walked to the living room calling over his shoulder, "Meet me in the living room."

When Harry arrived in the living room he sat back down on the same chair as earlier and waited for Severus to begin.

"Now, let's try this again shall we?" Severus asked in a calm manner.

Harry slowly nodded his head and said softly, "I'm sorry for being cheeky, Severus."

Severus gave a nod in response and said, "Just do not allow it to happen again, child."

Harry softly sighed, he couldn't promise that it would never happen again because it's not like he means to be so cheeky... It just happens.

Severus ignored Harry's lack of response and continued on with the discussion, "Now why did you not come over to me last night and inform me before you just got up and left?"

Harry lowered his eyes to the floor and mumbled, "Didn't think about it..."

"You didn't think about it? Harry do you have any idea what kind of things were racing through my mind when I found your bed empty this morning? For all I knew You-Know-Who could have came and kidnapped you while we were sleeping!" Severus said raising his voice a tad bit as he continued, "I had no idea where you were... If you were safe. Do you know how worried I was?"

Harry blinked his eyes in an attempt to keep the tears from coming, "I-I'm sorry I didn't mean for you to worry!"

Severus sighed and nodded his head, "I know you didn't but you need to think about these things before you just get up and leave without informing someone about it first. Do you understand Harry James?"

A slow nod came from Harry as he whispered, "Yes sir... I just... I didn't think about it at the time."

"You didn't think is obvious, Harry. But next time try to remember to inform me of where you are going first, okay?" Severus said softly.

"Fine but you wouldn't have left me anyway..." Harry's eyes went wide as he realized what he just said.

Severus nodded his head and said, "You're right I wouldn't have left you go, want to know why?"

Harry shook his head softly, "No... That's alright."

Severus narrowed his eyes at him then said strictly, "Well I am going to tell you anyway-"

"Of course you are..." Harry muttered under his breath with a sigh.

Severus shot Harry a look that would chill anyone's blood, "What did you just say?!"

Harry quickly shook his head and said, "Nothing, I'm sorry, you can continue."

Severus glared at him and continued, "I would not have left you go last night, or any night for that matter, because it is dark out there and you would have no one out there with you if you happened to get hurt. You could have fallen into the Black Lake or worse. Do you understand the dangers of that little adventure you had last night?"

'He actually cares....' Harry sighed and nodded his head, "Yes sir. I'm sorry, Severus."

Severus gave a firm nod of his head then took a sip of his tea.

Harry stared at his fingernails then slowly looked up at his guardian then back to his fingernails. Severus continued to just sit there silently sipping at his drink.

Another minute went by and Harry couldn't stand the silence, "Am I in trouble, sir?"

Severus put his tea cup down and looked at his ward, "What do you think?"

'He's torturing me and he's enjoying every minute of it... Well at least he's not singing.' Harry stopped himself from smiling at his inside joke. "Um... I don't know."

"Do you think you should be?" Severus asked him.

Harry sighed 'I hate it when he asks me that!' "No?"

Severus' one eye brow cocked up slightly at the answer, "Why not?"

"Because.... Because I didn't mean to." Harry offered his answer not exactly sure if Severus would except it.

"Harry, let me ask you this okay? If someone yells an Unforgivable and ends up killing someone can they get away with saying 'I didn't mean to'?" Severus asked Harry calmly.

"I don't like where this is going..." Harry said softly and sighed, "No, I guess not..."

"You guess not? Or do you know they wouldn't?" Severus pushed.

Harry sighed and made a disgusted look, "No... They wouldn't get away with it..."

"So then knowing that, Harry James, do you think you're in trouble?"

Harry huffed and slumped on the couch, "...Yea."

Severus nodded his head and said, "Then come here, Harry. Let us get this over with so then we can move onto our next discussion-"

"We could just skip this and move onto the conversation..." Harry offered uselessly.

Severus gave him a strict look and replied, "Come here, Harry James."

Harry grumpily stood looking as if he was about to be hung by his toenails, "I'm coming." Harry mumbled in a defeated tone.

When Harry reached him Severus led him across his lap then started the well deserved spanking. By the fifteenth swat Harry went limp in defeat and began to cry so Severus stopped and placed him upright on his lap, "It's over, Harry, and you are forgiven."

"I'm forgiven?" Harry whispered as he wiped his sleeve on his face to dry the tears.

"You are always forgiven, Harry." Severus answered softly then helped Harry to stand up from his lap.

"B-but I was bad... I-I left without telling you..." Harry looked at Severus with confusion laced through his shining emerald eyes.

Severus sighed then pulled Harry so he was standing in front of him, "Look at me, Harry." When Harry's eyes met his he continued, "You will always be forgiven for your misdeeds. Nothing you ever do could be so bad that I would never forgive you, do you understand?"

Slowly more tears rolled down Harry's face at those words, "Kind of..."

"I believe that once you are punished for your misdeeds they are magically erased. We leave them in the past and move on, I won't ever linger on something you did wrong." Severus explained softly, "Now do you understand?"

Harry nodded his head and said, "So... I'm forgiven?"

Severus gave him a smile and ruffled his hair, "Always."

Harry smiled and fixed his hair, "Hey now, don't mess up the hair."

"Don't mess up the hair, eh? What... Like this?" Suddenly he attacked Harry's hair making it go everywhere.

Harry laughed and escaped Severus' playful hands, "Yes like that." Harry stuck his tongue out at him and fixed his hair back to normal, unfortunately not all of it would lay down again.

Severus smirked and touched Harry's nose making them shock, "Gotcha!"

Harry shook his head and gave Severus a playful grin as he replied, "Just you wait, I'll get you back whenever you're not expecting it."

Severus chuckled at that and said, "Oh really? Well now I'm always going to expect it."

In response Harry stuck his tongue out again.

"Someones in a childish mood today." Severus remarked with a smirk.

Harry attempted to mock his Snape Glare.

"Hm.... You're missing something to it, you better keep practicing." Severus said to him playfully making Harry laugh.

"Oh darn, I thought for sure I had it right..." Harry said with a smile.

Severus smirked and said, "No one can do my glare."

In response Harry said, "Oh yea? We'll see about that."

Severus smiled and shook his head in amusement.

Harry gave him a grin but when he noticed Severus' demeanor change he knew they were going to move onto the next conversation.

Severus took in a small, calming breath then began the most important conversation of the day. "Harry... I need to know the truth; Why did you cut yourself?" Severus asked softly in an attempt to not freak Harry out more then he obviously was.

Harry swallowed in an attempt to fix his suddenly dry throat. How was he supposed to answer that question?! "I... I'm not sure..."

Severus sighed sadly and shook his head, "There had to be a reason, Harry... You can tell me, it's alright."

Harry sighed and slumped on the couch, "I don't want to talk about this..."

Severus took in a small breath and slowly left it out, "Now you know we have to talk about this, Harry."

Harry shook his head making his black hair fly everywhere, "No we don't... We could just let it go because it's not going to happen again."

'It better not happen again...' Severus shook his head in denial, "No, Harry, we are having this discussion. Whatever drove you to hurt yourself needs to be fixed, I need to know what made you do this. Hurting yourself is never the answer, Harry. Do you understand that, child?" Severus looked intently into Harry's emerald eyes to make sure he heard every word he just said.

'Hurting yourself is never the answer... If only someone mentioned that to Austin... If only someone noticed sooner... If only I hadn't failed him; he'd still be here-' A warm tear made its way down his cheek as he shook his head.

"What is it, Harry? Please tell me..." Severus asked gently.

Harry snapped his shining eyes up at his guardian. "Austin..."

'Austin? Have I heard of this kid before?' Severus shook the questions away then said, "Who is Austin, Harry?"

Harry choked on a sob and he shook his head, "D-doesn't matter..."

Severus shook his head fiercely in denial, "Yes it does matter, child! Please, who is he?"

"He's d-d-... He's g-gone." Harry whispered softly then lowered his tearful gaze to the floor.

Severus stared at the distraught boy in front of him and asked, "What happened to him?"

Suddenly Harry stood from the couch and scrambled away from Severus, "WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?! NO ONE CARED ENOUGH TO SAVE HIM!... No one saw his sadness, his depression... I didn't care enough to save him. I didn't see his sadness. I didn't see his depression. I could have saved him!-"

"Harry I'm sure this was not your fault-"

"NOT MY FAULT?! He was my best friend! He was my b-brother! I should have seen it! But I didn't and now he's dead..." Harry sobbed.

"This was not your fault, Harry. It wasn't! Many times you can't tell when someone is depressed because they hide it-"

"I-I should have seen it..." Harry whispered softly.

"You can't always see when someone is sad, angry, or hurt because they hide it. They hide it for a reason so no one can see it. Do you understand, Harry?" Severus slowly stood from his chair and took a small step towards the sobbing boy.

"NO I DON'T UNDERSTAND! How could he just take his life like that?! Was he unhappy? He had the perfect life; he had loving parents... HE HAD PEOPLE WHO LOVED HIM! How could he just take away his life so easily? Did he not think about what it would do to everyone...? What it would do to me?!" Harry slowly dropped to the ground and pulled his legs up to his chest. "I don't have dreams anymore; instead I have nightmares of reality! I have flashbacks of when I was happy... When he was still alive and smiling. It kills me to wake up and realize it was just another dream and that he is still gone. It's like my mind is mocking me... Mocking me and his memory."

Severus quickly made his way over to Harry and slowly sat down beside him, "I'm sorry, Harry."

Harry shook his head, "You did nothing to be sorry for. This is not your fault..."

Severus lightly placed his hand on Harry's and whispered, "This is not your fault either."

Slowly Harry lifted his gleaming gaze to Severus', "But-"

Severus shook his head cutting Harry off, "No, Harry, this is not your fault. You did not tell him to end his life. You did not kill him yourself. You did not drive him to commit his suicide. You didn't! I sincerely doubt he would want you blaming yourself for his death, child." Severus told Harry softly.

Harry stared deeply into Severus' eyes to see if he was lying, but he wasn't. Suddenly Harry felt as if a dam was ripped apart allowing the water to flow. Tears streamed down his face. One by one the tears fell soaking Harry's red shirt.

Severus wrapped his arms around Harry and left him cry it out. 'He needs this...' Severus silently reminded himself as he rubbed his hand in a circle on Harry's back.

Fifteen minutes later Harry sat on the floor leaning against Severus. Five more minutes passed in silent until Harry slowly turned his head and looked up at Severus then whispered, "I have a question."

Severus glanced down at his ward and said, "Go ahead."

"C-could you take me somewhere?" Harry asked uncertainly then quickly lowered his gaze to the floor expecting a refusal.

Severus nodded his head even though he knew Harry did not see it, "Where would you like to go, Harry?"

Harry snapped his head up and said, "I wanna go see Austin's grave... Please?"

Once again Severus nodded his head, he understood what Harry needed at the moment and if seeing Austin's grave helped then he would take him in a heart beat, no questions asked. "Of course. Where is his grave located?"

"Little Whinging Memorial Graveyard..." Harry whispered as if he was scared to hear his own voice.

Severus slowly stood and offered Harry his hand, "Alright."

Harry took the offered hand and with the help of Severus he stood.

Ten minutes later they arrived at the small graveyard with rows of grey tombstones lining up one after the other.

Harry stared at the green grass below his feet and asked in a small voice, "C-could you stay here?" Slowly Harry rose his head to stare at Severus.

'He needs this...' Severus reminded himself once more as he stiffly nodded his head, "If you need me, I'll be right here." Severus assured the boy.

Harry nodded his head he show he understood then slowly walked through the rusty gate that was the entrance to the graveyard.

Flashes of memories assaulted his mind as he walked unknowingly like a robot through the graveyard.

Austin gave him a smile and said happily, "Of course I wanna be your friend. You are not a Freak; your cousin is a Freak."

"DOESN'T MATTER?! If they hurt you in any way they're gonna pay big time!" Austin basically shouted causing Harry to shrink in on himself as if to hide away from the loud noise; seeing this Austin's eyes went wide and he quickly knelt down to Harry and held his hand in his own, "I'm sorry, Harry. I should not have shouted like that, it wasn't your fault."

"Come on, let's go home-"

Austin smirked and shook his head at his mum, "You're torturing him, mum." Jane's eyes went wide and she attempted to hold down a smile as he said in all seriousness, "I'd never!"

Jane and Tom exchanged a single glance before Jane took over, "Harry, darling, we would like to know if you would like us to adopt you? You are just like a son to us and we love you, how about it?"

"We're going to be brothers!" Austin smiled broadly and tackled Harry with a bear hug. "Brothers... I like that." Harry smiled at Austin who smiled back like this was the best thing that could ever happen to him. Harry knew it was best thing that could happen to him, that was for sure.

Austin had tears in his eyes as he held Harry's hand in his, "Even though you're not my brother doesn't mean I won't love you... Never say that again." Tears rolled gently down Harry's face, "I-I'm sorry Austin..." Austin squeezed Harry's hand lightly and gave him a watery smile, "You will always be forgiven. Blood means nothing, Harry, you are my brother because I love you- because my family loves you. Family is not only about being blood related or adoption related, it's about love."

"He killed himself."

Suddenly Harry's feet took him to a stop. Harry shook himself out of memory lane then looked down to see if he was at the right grave. He was...

Austin J. Thomas

May 1979-November 1988

Here lies a son, a brother, and a best friend. May your soul rest in peace.

Harry dropped to the ground in front of Austin's little grey tomb. He had forgotten Jane and Tom had that engraved on the stone...

Tears leaked from the corner of his eye as he stared at the stone resembling Austin's memory, "Austin..." Harry whispered as he gently stroked the engraved words. "I miss you so much... Why did you do it? Why did you kill yourself? You never said goodbye..." More tears were falling from his eyes as he choked out his caring words.

"Harry..." Harry knew that voice as if it were his own. Harry slowly looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was there but there was no one. 'I must have imagined it...'

But then suddenly the voice came back again this time it sounded as if someone were whispering in his ear, "I'm sorry for causing you this pain. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. I'm sorry for everything, Harry."

"Austin..." Harry whispered and looked around him to see if he was there but again there was no one. "Where are you?"

"I'm everywhere, Harry. I'm the air you breathe, the wind you feel, the flowers that bloom in the spring, the sun that warms your skin, and the moon that shines at night. I may have left you physically but I have always been with you, watching you, and protecting you because that's what big brothers do..." Austin said softly in Harry's ear.

Harry choked on a sob as he asked, "Why did you do it?"

A small sigh echoed around Harry's body, "I didn't mean to, it was an accident. The newspapers said it was a suicide but it wasn't, my parents know that now because I went to them one day and told them."

A small feeling that Harry could not describe lifted itself off Harry's back and floated away, "Accident? What do you mean, Austin?"

"I found Dad's gun in his bedside table that day and was curious... I didn't mean for it to go off. I'm sorry, Harry." Austin sounded as if his voice was cracking like he was about to cry.

"Oh Austin..." Harry choked out silently, "It was an accident all along?"

"Yes." The single word crushed Harry's heart like a car running over it.

"It wasn't suicide after all..." Harry whispered slightly relieved.

"No. I had you, there was no reason to be sad..." Austin told him lightly.

Harry began to sob but not because he was sad, he sobbed because of the love he was feeling from Austin- from his brother. "I miss you so much, Austin."

It sounded as if Austin was crying too as he whispered to Harry, "I miss you too, Harry."

Slowly they both calmed down to just sniffles and Harry said, "I forgive you."

"Oh thank you, Harry!" Austin sounded very happy at the forgiveness Harry granted him.

Harry smiled softly and nodded his head, "You're welcome."

"My time is coming to it's end, Harry, so I must be leaving soon. But remember forever that love you and will always be there for you, you may not know it but I will always be there for you. I promise." Austin said softly to Harry.

"I will, Austin. Thank you... For everything." A few tears leaked out of the corner of his eye as he slowly stood from his spot in front of Austin's grave.

Suddenly Harry felt as if someone was holding his hand in theirs, "You're welcome, Harry. I love you with all of my heart."

A forced himself to not start to sob again as he choked out, "I love you too, Austin."

Slowly the feeling of someone holding his hand disappeared as Austin whispered, "Goodbye, little brother."

"Goodbye..." Harry whispered softly then turned to return to Severus who was sitting under one of the trees at the entrance of the graveyard.

A/N: This chapter was hard for me to write... Every chapter with Austin is hard for me to write but I need this. It helps ease the pain of remembering. Slowly my dreams are returning to me /3

~Severus Addicted