Germany's stand up – German sense of humor
Germany come on the scene and stand at the microphone.
Germany: Erm… You may wonder why I am standing here, instead of our beautiful ladies. Well, there is some technical problems and they don't know where is Seychelles, so those lazy idiots Eduard and Heracles asked me to entertain you.
Audience bump into laugh. Germany smiles.
Germany: Oh, I really didn't know, I've already started. Anyway, most people think that Germans are boring. Come on! Try to imagine me telling a joke. Oh, sorry. I will be telling you jokes, so you don't have to.
Silence laugh at audience.
Germany: Anyway, it's not only my problem that I'm boring. Japan also has it. But in his case the cause is different. He is just too calm. I, on the other hand, have this voice. Try to tell a joke, sounding so scary. And, damn it, I have the most depressing character song in whole anime. (Starts to sing) Einsamkeit//Einsamkeit/Einsamkeit/Mitsukete hoshii.
Applause. Germany continues to talk.
Germany: Why I have a song that makes me so emo? I mean: how Feliciano's song goes? (sings with high pinch) Bonyari sora wo miagetara, bokkari ukabu makaroni/Yukkuri ajiwau shiawase, saa o-oyu wo hito wakashi shiyou!
When Germany stops singing audience applauding, laughing.
Germany: Or Romano's (sings only a bit higher) Buono tomato buono! Tomato /Buono buono uu! Tomato!/Aka sagete midori agete tomatomatomato hn! (Germany stops singing) They both are singing about food, but at least you don't want to cut your veins, when you hear Buono Tomatotomatotomato. Or hearing (he sings and shakes his hips) Pabu- Pabu- Pabutte GO!/Fuish ando chippusu!/Nomeba wakaru sa/Wakarusa nome ba/Yousei-san, yousei-san/Aha-ha-ha-haa!/Ware wa yuku!
Big laugh on the audience and then long applause.
Germany: Kiku has also nice song. (deeply, with strong German accent) Iro hani hohero chiri nuru wo/hi no izuru kuni zipangu. (Germany takes deep breath and sighs) OK, I'm not Leonard Cohen. Well, I can always sing Marukaite Chikyuu
Viewers began to cheer him and clasping rhythmically. He only smiles.
Germany: OK, but you wished for it. (chuckle to clean his throat, straighten himself and with wide grin sing) Oi Oi Vati BIIRU wo choudai/Oi Oi Mutti Oi Oi Mutti/Mukashi ni kureta WURUSUTO…(he stops and laughs) No, I can't! Sorry guys. Anyway, coming back to the topic, I'm going to tell you at what people in my place laugh. As all people in this wide world, Germans laughs at others. We generally laugh at Austrians, Poles, Eastern Germans and Italians. But I won't say any joke about Italians.
Big, disappointed 'ohhhh' comes from the audience.
Germany: Come on! You know what will happen, when I'll do it?! Feliciano will be crying. Do you really want to see him crying? Cause I don't. Only hearing him crying can break my heart… and eardrums.
Wave of giggles on the audience.
Germany: And Romano will kill me. Oh, I can see it. He will barrow this giant axe from Antonio… (Clenches his hands like he was holding said axe. People laughs and applauses. Germany straights himself, his hand loosened)… Oh, you all know Spain will let him. But when Romano will run away from his house, Antonio will call after him something like that: "Please, be careful, Romano! Don't cut yourself! Play nice and come back for dinner!"
Audience burst laughing.
Germany: And then Romano will start to chasing me with this axe, yelling something like: "I will smash you, potato head!" Feliciano, who for sure will come after him, will be like (high pinch): "Fratello, please, stop chasing Ludwig!". And I'm absolutely sure we will run right through Vash's lands. It just happens that every time, when we run from my place to Italies' place, and vice versa, we somehow run right through (cuts the air with arm) Switzerland's house. And you know what happens next?
One, irregular: "No."
Germany: It depends, if Vash is in mood to get out, or not. If he's not, he take his riffle, open window and shout something like: "You again?! What the hell I was telling you about running through my possession?!", while trying to kill us. But this happens when he really, really, REALLY don't want to go out from his house. Normally he just starts to chasing me too. So it will be looking like that: I'm running (runs in one place. Suddenly stops and acts like he was holding axe), Romano with Antonio's axe after me (stops) then Feliciano, who's yelling something in Italian, and in the end Vash (acts like he was loading a gun), who's like: "I'll teach you not to run through my possession! Oh, and one more thing: Stop cursing and watching porn, when my sister can hear you in the other room!" (sigh) And suddenly North Italy will realize, who's running after us. Guess what? He will approach me, catch me and scream (pinch): "Ludwig, help me!"
Laugh on the audience.
Germany: Meanwhile, we will pass the border and run through Austria's place.
Big, loud applause with screams of cheer. Germany smiles and waits, until his viewers calm down.
Germany: Well, we could just come through Switzerland and get to my place, but we sort of… like to piss off Roderich. (smiles) Do you know what's the biggest achievement of Austrian propaganda? (pause, then Germany rise his eyebrow) You don't know? (smiles again) Now, whole world thinks that Beethoven was an Austrian and that Hitler was a German.
Laud applause.
Germany: (stop smiling) And you know what piss ME off? That people are referring to Hitler in discussion definitely too often. You don't know what to say during argument? Make reference to Hitler! It's good enough to make people shut up. I know, I know. He was the pure evil and all, but don't you find a bit grotesque this kind of argue? Guy comes to the fridge in late night and calls his wife: "Hey, honey! Where's my beer?!" And then, she says. "You drink too much." So he whines: "But I like beer…" And THAT'S when it starts. She says: "You know? Hitler also liked beer." The husband try to defend himself: "No, he wasn't! What kind of argument is that?!" But she continue: "Yes, he was! He was preparing to attack Poland during Oktoberfest!"
Audience laugh hard.
Germany: "Oh yeah?! Maybe he was so frustrated, because Eva Braun didn't let him drink as much as he want?!" And so on. It's so lame. (pause) Yes, I know this word (giggle from the audience). Now let's come back to Austria. (soft smile and calm voice) So Roderich is practicing piano. The weather is nice, the birds behind the window is chirping… You know the ideal peace. And then he hears us. (smiles even) First me (screams, waving hands): "Aaahh! Why things like that are always happening to me?!" Then Feliciano (high pinch, waving hands): "Ludwig, Ludwig, rescue me!" Then Romano (acts like he was holding an axe): "I will smash you, potato bastard! Have you heard it?!" And finally Vash (acts like he was holding a riffle): "I will teach to take a consequences of passing someone's possessions!"
Burst of laugh.
Germany: Guess, how poor Roderich would react on this? (pause. Germany rolls his eyes on the spotlight) Well, I would be startled for awhile, since we would be too fast to run after us (looks again on the audience), but then he would start to play Chopin, Mozart or Beethoven to express his wrath.
Quiet laugh.
Germany: And finally we will reach my place… (sighs), where Bruder will be already waiting for us.
Another giggle on the audience.
Germany: He will stand on our way. I will rapidly stop, then Feliciano will bump into me, then Romano bump into him and Vash into Romano. (smiles softly) And my dear, sweet, one in his kind and absolutely the best father figure for a nation like me, big brother Gilbert will for sure do something, what we will remember forever. Believe me, he scarred my life in every possible way. Sex? I knew it since Bismarck. (acts like Prussia): "Hey, West. Forget about this stupid toy soldiers. Today Awesome Me is going to tell you something, which make you a man…" Violence? (points at something before him) "See that suckers out there, West? Yeah, that ones. They are going to die. You wonna watch it?" And many, many other things I really don't want to remember. So he will stop us. We will be staring at him with open eyes, then Vash will retreat to his house to not be embarrassed even more, Romano will be thinking like that… "Hmm, Prussia is here, so France is too." And he will run even faster, yelling: "Until next time, potato head!" Now, there will be only me, Bruder and Feliciano. Bruder will run for beer, Feliciano will make pasta and I will be standing in the spot and thinking, what the hell just happened. (smiles and bows his head) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Audience is clasping their hands, when Germany is leaving the stage.