The Arrogant Baltics – Carrot juice is murder
Greece: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we give you something really special.
Estonia: Yeah, it's especially important to me, because our next performers are guys that shares borders with me. (pause, Estonia is blushing) OK, maybe only one is sharing border with me, but still we are really close. Please, welcome my two brothers, Toris Lorinnatis and Raivis Galante!
The audience is applauding, while Lithuania and Latvia are coming on the stage and bowing lightly with shy smiles. Lithuania is holding guitar. They stands beside hosts.
Greece: So, guys, what are you going to perform today?
Lithuania: Well, the authoress of this fic want us to sing something for her friend, who is also her beta reader.
Latvia: And as you all can see, RedHatMeg ignores her for some time. So we are going to perform some song from her beta's home country most famous comic bands, Arrogant Worms.
Cheers from the audience. When they're ceasing, Lithuania turns to Estonia.
Lithuania: Hey, Eduard, we need you as the third, because there are three guys in this band.
Estonia: Fine, I will help you.
Greece: So I will leave us with those three. Ladies and gentlemen, The Baltics .
Another cheers. Greece leaves the stage and all three Baltic states are alone.
Lithuania: By the way… (waving to audience) Hi, Matthew!
Estonia: We have to tell you something.
Latvia: Do you think you're invisible? Well, at least you're mentioned in Yakko's Nations Of The World.
Quiet laugh on the audience.
Estonia: Yeah, that's, sadly, true. So next time, when you hear phrase: "United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama"…
They all straighten themselves and wear fake, sad expression.
Lithuania: Think about three poor, forgotten nations at the Baltic Sea.
Laughs on the audience. Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia gets serious.
Estonia: So what we are going to sing?
Lithuania: (nervous) Well… we hadn't decided yet.
Estonia: What? You had enough time to think about it!
Latvia: We were thinking about it, but we couldn't decide.
Estonia: (sigh) So let's sing first Arrogant Worms' song that comes to our mind now.
Latvia: So, well… Canada's Really Big?
Estonia: Oh, that one is very good.
Latvia: So let's do it.
Latvia and Estonia are ready to start, but Lithuania stops them.
Lithuania: Erm, guys… (they both look at him) I'm afraid, we can't sing this song.
Latvia: What? But-but… why?
Lithuania: Because there is phrase that may piss off Ivan.
Estonia: Oh, that one about shrinking Russia?
Lithuania: (sarcastic) Yeah, thank you, Eduard, for saying it in such subtle way. Now, Ivan will invade us.
Latvia: OK, so we can't perform Canada's Really Big. What else we can sing?
Lithuania: Am… Me Like Hockey?
Cheers from the audience.
Estonia: No, no, no! That one is worse! It mentions Russian, Finnish and Swedish players. We will have to deal with scary Ivan, even scarier Berwald and crying Tino. I don't want to hurt Finland's feelings.
Audience goes with big "ohh". Baltic states remain silent for a moment, thinking about any other option, but they fails miserable.
Latvia: Oh, screw it! We're independent.
Estonia: Yeah! We can sing, what we want and nobody can stop us!
Lithuania snaps his fingers then whispers something to his brothers. Estonia and Latvia nods with smile.
Estonia: Ladies and gentlemen, we want to dedicate this song Ludwig Beilschimdt, who loves potatoes; Antonio Fernandez Corriedo and Romano Vargas, who loves tomatoes.
Lithuania starts to play. Two seconds later Lativia clear his throat and began to sing.
Latvia: Listen up brothers and sisters,/come hear my desperate tale./I speak of our friends of nature,/trapped in the dirt like a jail.
Cheers from the audience. Latvia smiles widely.
Latvia: Vegetables live in oppression,/served on our tables each night./This killing of veggies is madness,/I say we take up the fight.
All three: Salads are only for murderers,/coleslaw's a fascist regime./Don't think that they don't have feelings,/just cause a radish can't scream.
Latvia: I've heard the screams of the vegetables.
Lithuania and Estonia: Scream, scream, scream.
Latvia: Watching their skins being peeled.
Lithuania and Estonia: Having their insides revealed.
Latvia: Grated and steamed with no mercy.
Lithuania and Estonia: Burning off calories.
Latvia: How do you think that feels.
Lithuania and Estonia: Bet it hurts really bad.
Latvia: Carrot juice constitutes murder.
Lithuania and Estonia: And that's a real crime.
Latvia: Greenhouses prisons for slaves.
Lithuania and Estonia: Let my vegetables go.
Latvia: It's time to stop all this gardening.
Lithuania and Estonia: It's dirty as hell.
Latvia: Let's call a spade a spade.
Lithuania and Estonia: Is a spade is a spade is a spade…
Latvia: I saw a man eating celery,/so I beat him black and blue./If he ever touches a sprout again,/I'll bite him clean in two./I'm a political prisoner,/trapped in a windowless cage./Cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips/by killing five men in a rage.
All three: I told the judge when he sentenced me,/This is my finest hour,/I'd kill those farmers again/just to save one more cauliflower.
Latvia: I've heard the screams of the vegetables.
Lithuania and Estonia: Scream, scream, scream.
Latvia: Watching their skins being peeled.
Lithuania and Estonia: Having their insides revealed.
Latvia: Grated and steamed with no mercy.
Lithuania and Estonia: Burning off calories.
Latvia: How do you think that feels.
Lithuania and Estonia: Bet it hurts really bad.
Latvia: Carrot juice constitutes murder.
Lithuania and Estonia: And that's a real crime.
Latvia: Greenhouses prisons for slaves.
Lithuania and Estonia: Let my vegetables go.
Latvia: It's time to stop all this gardening.
Lithuania and Estonia: It's dirty as hell.
Latvia: Let's call a spade a spade.
Lithuania and Estonia: Is a spade is a spade is a spade…
Latvia: How low as people do we dare to stoop,/Making young broccolis bleed in the soup?
All three: Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes/Let potted plants free, don't mash that potato!
Latvia: I've heard the screams of the vegetables.
Lithuania and Estonia: Scream, scream, scream.
Latvia: Watching their skins being peeled.
Lithuania and Estonia: Having their insides revealed.
Latvia: Grated and steamed with no mercy.
Lithuania and Estonia: Burning off calories.
Latvia: How do you think that feels.
Lithuania and Estonia: Bet it hurts really bad.
Latvia: Carrot juice constitutes murder.
Lithuania and Estonia: And that's a real crime.
Latvia: Greenhouses prisons for slaves.
Lithuania and Estonia: Let my vegetables go.
Latvia: It's time to stop all this gardening.
Lithuania and Estonia: It's dirty as hell.
Latvia: Let's call a spade a spade.
Lithuania and Estonia: Is a spade is a spade is a spade…
They're singing quieter and quieter, until they stop singing completely. Then they're smiling widely and bow down. Loud Cheers from the audience. Balitcs stop bowing.
Lithuania: Antonio, Ludwig and Romano, we know where you're living!
Today's performance is dedicated to my awesome, but overlooked Beta Gemina. Hope you liked to read it as much as I loved to write it.
Now, tell me, people, do you want to see Arrogant Baltics again?