two.

The clarification was probably the last thing Tasha had ever expected to hear from his lips and again she was left staring at him, struck dumb – albeit for a very different reason now.

"I've already cost you so fucking much, Tash ... lost so much," Kozik said, pain etched across his usually handsome face at the memory of when her grief had been so raw he'd feared he would lose her as well.

The sterile blank walls of the hospital seeming to close in on him ... The too-calm voices of the doctors betrayed by a look ... And then the stark reality that had already left him numb, broken to her in just a few carefully chosen words as he held her hand tightly – "I'm so sorry, Natasha, but – as we told your partner – we did everything we could."

A chill that had nothing to do with the cool night air ran down his spine at the memory and the former Marine-turned outlaw cradled her cheek with one rough hand, trying to find the right words to explain what was on his mind as he looked up at her. "I'm nearly ten years older than you, baby ... Thirty-nine, never been married, no kids. The guys aside, I ain't ever had a proper family – just a shit of a dad who only stopped beating on me when I started hitting back and a mom who'd rather climb into a goddamn bottle than face the real world. Then I found you and everything changed.

"But how can I tell you I love you, that I'd do anything to protect you, and then keep putting you in danger? Jesus Christ, Tasha, I want to be with you – but what kind of shitty husband or father keeps running the risk of checking out on his family?" he asked, the gaze that met hers holding an earnest quality that almost broke her heart all over again.

"Oh, Koz ..." Tasha sighed, resting her hand on top of his.

"I wanna have kids with you, darlin'," he admitted quietly. "And I'd die for you in a fucking second. But then who'd take care of my family if I was gone?"

She knew only too well where this was coming from. They both bore the scars that spoke volumes about the dangers his life threw up – some that would heal, others that never would.

And remembering when the agony of losing their unborn baby had been so intense, so all-encompassing, she would have done almost anything to tear that baby's father from what she saw as the destructive clutches of his beloved club, part of her wanted to agree with his plan. Maybe that was the answer.

He could quit and they could start over ... try for another baby ... raise a family safe out of the reach of the bombs and the bullets.

But, knowing Kozik blamed himself and his position in the club for their loss, Tasha was still filled with shame and regret that she had allowed that wracking guilt to keep festering inside him. She knew without a doubt that there was nothing he wouldn't have done to change what had happened. But she had let him hurt – had wanted him to suffer as much as she was suffering.

Pale-faced and dull-eyed, he barely recognised the almost-stranger by the hospital bed as she shied away from his attempts to offer comfort. "They were after you ..." The words caught in her throat, hoarse as it was from crying, but her voice still rose almost hysterically as her fists lashed out weakly at him. "They were after you! Don't fucking touch me!"

"Happy'd be a hell of a sergeant and I know Deacon would love to take him back from the nomads full-time ..." Kozik continued, more to himself than to her.

"Koz, stop." Something in her tone got his attention and she smiled wistfully as she looked into those bright blue eyes, reaching out to caress his stubbled jaw. "I told you back in Charming, that night I finally came to my fucking senses, that I wasn't going to say I forgive you because there was nothing to forgive- No, let me say this because you need to hear it. What happened was not your fault, honey.

"Losing our baby ..." she broke off to steady herself against the tears that welled up, forcing herself to will them back. "Losing our baby hurt more than I thought anything possibly could. I actually thought my heart was physically breaking and, for a while, I wouldn't have cared if it had. I ... I wished it had been me that had died because I just didn't see the point in anything anymore ..."

"Tash, darlin'-" Kozik ground out hoarsely, devastated all over again to hear her finally confirm what he had back then only been able to suspect while she shut down and pushed away his efforts to be there for her.

But she shook her head, wanting him to let her continue as she trained too-bright eyes on his. "It's always gonna hurt, Koz - for both of us. We're always gonna wonder what it would have been like to get to keep our little boy ..." She knew by now there were tears staining her cheeks, could feel them on her skin, but she made no move to brush them away. "But you know what? I was so busy thinking about what I'd lost that I didn't stop to think about what I still had. I love you so much, Koz ..."

His arms around her in a bid to comfort his obviously emotional girlfriend, Kozik pulled her down from her perch to stand in front of him so he could hold her properly, letting her bury her face against his chest as she clung to him. "I love you too, baby," he told her. "That's why I gotta do this. After all the shit we've been through, I owe it to you."

Her head flew up and she all but glared at him before cupping his face in her hands, her frustrated expression softening. "If the guys had any idea how sweet you are, you'd be ruined! Honey, I knew what I was getting into when we got together and I know how much the club means to you – I'm not asking you to give that up."

"You don't gotta ask."

Changing tack, Tasha pulled away from him and, quickly dashing the tear streaks from her cheeks, folded her arms across her chest. "Okay, so you quit – who's gonna step up? Have Deacon's back?"

"Happy," Kozik shrugged easily.

"Sure. And keep Reef from spending his entire life spun out on whatever he can get his hands on?"

"Hap ..." But he was hesitant this time. The nomad wasn't exactly known for his patience.

"Sure – I guess it'd be pretty hard to toke up if you're in an iron lung ... Is Hap gonna have to take on that new prospect of yours too? 'Cos you know he scares the kid rigid ..."

"We got other guys, babe" he said. "Happy's the obvious choice for sergeant – don't mean he gotta start running things. That's Deacon's job – and then there's Kenzie, Fish, Tommy ..."

But she knew she had made her point and made it well. "They need you," she said gently. "And you need them. You are what you are, Koz, and I've never been out to change you. You don't have to quit for me ..."

Struck - not for the first time - by just how incredible she was to him, a smile tugged at Kozik's lips. But it was a smile she dashed just as quickly.

"Not when we're not forever."