She stood in the corner of the ballroom, scanning the crowd continuously. She took another sip from her martini as her hand unconsciously slid down her side, evening out the ruffles of her satin dress.
She didn't know why she felt so nervous.
Well, she had an idea.
Standing in the middle of the annual banquette of Richard's insurance company she knew very well that he'd be there. His law firm had been representing Richard's insurance company for two years now. It was one of the things she was worried about first. She didn't like to mix her family and private life, but her grandfather had been so impressed by her boyfriend that he insisted on the venture. And it turned out to be quite a success. He'd manage to impress the elite Hartford circle who'd lost track of him when his family sent him away to military school and was impressed to reacquaint with a successful and determined young professional.
Rory smiled.
He did change a lot since his days as Chilton's reigning king. That whole persona seemed to have been left behind somewhere during that confused and lonely time in North Carolina and the years after when he realized he will never find someone who he can count more on than his own little self. She often wondered how a soul that everyone had given up on, could find the courage, strength and will to become a better man with plans, a future and plenty to share. He had become serious, solemn even at times, but he never lost his cocky sense of humor or playful look on life. As he always said, he was still that messed up kid in the inside even if he managed to fool everyone and run a successful firm.
She would watch the two of them, Richard and Tristan, pretending to be reading, but secretly studying the two as they would talk business for nights on end. Tristan seemed to age instantly, his voice serious, his expression thoughtful, focused. He loved his work, it fit him and it gave him a stability he could trust, count on, perhaps something that was a compensation for a childhood that was spent without guidance or true affection.
She was startled out of her thoughts by the waiter, who offered to take her now empty glass. She smiled politely and once again scanned the vast room, full of chattering socialites and businessmen.
Her eyes suddenly caught his, standing across the room looking at her intently. Her heart seemed to stop beating and she felt lightheaded as she stood his stare, emotionless and unreadable. She thought there was a slightest nod in his head, but she couldn't say for sure.
Suddenly she felt stupid and silly. For being here, for staring at him, for wanting to see him, for having left like she did again, for changing her mind again, and for having sat in her own apartment contemplating whether to come to this function or not, calculating whether he'd be here or not, whether she should wear sexy or restrained, whether she should drink more or none at all.
She cursed herself and for a brief moment contemplated fleeing.
She watched him as he looked around carefully as if checking for hidden dangers before descending the stairs to the ballroom, heading her way.
She took a shaky breath and started her own descend, keeping her eyes on him as they neared each other, the crowd seemingly parting for them as if their radiance had that power to clear space.
His face was serious, his brows furrowed as his eyes seemed to burn a hole through her. He studied her for a second as they came to stand in front of each other, groups of people chattering around them.
She opened her mouth to speak but he looked around frustrated and put his hand on the small of her back, guiding her to the side to somewhere a slight bit more private.
Rory took another shaky breath as she felt his hand on her, pushing her into a secluded corner, his warmth penetrating the smooth fabric of her dress.
She turned around to face him as he looked around part frustrated, part annoyed.
"What are you doing here?" he whispered, his eyes still scanning the room, refusing to look at her.
"I came because of my grandfather" she said, defensively.
"Bullshit" he said and his eyes focused back on hers, the intensity of them making Rory gasp.
"You never come to these things, Rory, I had to beg for you to join me last year" he said, his voice low and accusing.
"My grandparents invited me and I came" she said, her voice determined, her anger imminent.
He scoffed quietly and studied her face, his eyes narrowing in concentration as if he were trying to see into her head.
She squirmed under his gaze, looking everywhere to be able to escape his burning eyes.
"Are you trying to provoke me, Rory? I meant what I said" he started but she cut him off.
"I didn't come here to do anything but to smile and nod while my grandparents prance me around like a show dog, okay? Not everything has to do with you" she growled, her voice dangerously deep.
He stopped talking, his face once again calming as he obviously tried to restrain himself. She noticed his slightly laboured breathing, a characteristic of him whenever he was trying to control his emotions.
It turned her on to no end.
She suddenly wished he would pull her into a quiet room, giving her body what she had been craving ever since she last left his apartment.
"I meant what I said" he repeated himself, this time more calm and indifferent as if his attempt to regain control of his body had been successful.
She gasped slightly.
"Tristan, I..." she started, her voice slightly hurt.
"No, I mean it, Rory" he cut her off "I am sick of hurting each other and I can't for the life of me figure out what you want"
"Maybe I just want time" she intercepted, her voice accusing.
"I've given you time" he shot at her as loud as their hushed tone allowed him, the anger in his voice making her gasp.
"I've given you time and I am not giving you anything anymore" he repeated himself, this time his tone quiet enough for it not to spark the interest of the people around them.
The finality of his words hit Rory like a log, as he turned around disappearing into the chattering crowd of socialites.
She took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears that were stinging the back of her eyes.
She felt hurt and humiliated and... guilty. She knew he could tell she had ulterior motives coming here, of course he did. He knew her like no one else, knew her ways. She shouldn't have been so foolish as to think he wouldn't see the real reason.
She looked up and started walking after him with a new found determination. She maneuvered through the crowds of people, trying to spot his familiar blondness.
When she finally did, he was talking to an older gentleman, his society smile planted on his face.
Rory walked up and grabbed his arm, catching him off guard.
"Will you excuse us for a minute?" she asked politely and the man looked on as she dragged a shocked Tristan with her, leading him out to a balcony.
"Don't cause a fucking scene, Rory" he warned, his voice low, quiet.
She turned around in a huff and the words poured out of her mouth.
"Okay, I came here hoping to see you, alright? I hate the way we are, Tristan, I can't just move on and pretend there is nothing between us"
"This was your decision, Rory" he said, with a restrained voice, glancing back towards the ballroom as if trying to determine how many people could hear.
"It wasn't" she countered.
"It was" he shot back, this time more loud "You left. You left for the hundredth time!" he said and in the first time that evening she saw the hurt in his eyes.
"I had to get out of there Tristan, when I am there, I can't think straight. I wanted to do that. I wanted to think straight" she reasoned.
"God" he groaned frustrated "Rory, do you hear yourself speaking?" he asked and she looked at him confused.
"You make no sense, you make no fucking sense at all, you haven't been making any sense for the last six months" he said in hushed tones, still trying to prevent a scene from happening.
She stood there amids his accusations.
"You didn't want to marry me, fine, I can understand that, you could have told me that straight out, you didn't have to leave the next day and leave me to figure it out on my own"
"Tristan, that's not..." she tried to cut in but it was no use stopping his angry rant.
"I didn't once question you about it, I didn't once pressure you, I would have been fine with you coming back and us moving on. But you just came back for sex" he said and she closed her eyes accepting his verdict.
"Every fucking time I thought it would be different, but you'd be gone the next morning. Do you know what it feels like to wake up and find you gone without explanation? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" he asked, his face contorted into a frown as his emotions took over.
"I'm sorry" she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"No" he shouted "quit saying that. Stop saying that, Rory, because you don't mean it!"
"Look" she said, trying to steady her voice, eager to take back the lead "I know I messed up and I know that I am messed up, I wish I could move on, I do, because you deserve to be happy, you deserve better..." she pleaded.
"Shut the hell up, Rory" he scoffed "Don't insult me"
"I want to move on, every time I leave I do, because I want to stop hurting you" she said, her voice quiet, her words careful, as if this were the last time she could try to explain herself.
He looked at her silently, listening to her, not as a choice but rather as lack of anything else to say, as if he ran out of strength and words.
"I decide it's the best and I decide I'll stay away. But then I remember how we were, how we used to be" she went on, the tears cascading down her face "and I get so homesick, it hurts" He took a deep breath, as if trying to guard off the effect her words were having on him.
"And I go back, despite myself, I crawl back into your arms and try to make it feel like it did before, try to pretend everything is perfect, the way it's meant to be and it is... for moments it is..." she continued, her voice faltering.
"But then I wake up and I feel that void, that feeling of it all being just a lie, of me just pretending to be happy. Like it's a curse. Like I am not meant to really be content. I can't pretend. I can't look you in the eye and smile when it feels like it's not true, so I leave. And I pray that I can figure out why I feel this way so I can fix it, so I won't feel like that the next time" she finished, looking at him helplessly.
He sighed, trying to block the tears that were watering up his eyes.
"That's great Rory" he sighed "that's really great" he said, his voice full of hurt and she took a step towards him, so eager to comfort him.
He raised an arm signaling her to stop.
"Let me help you out then" he said, his voice calming as he took another couple of deep breaths.
She looked at him questioning.
"Maybe there just isn't a way to fix it. Maybe you just have to stay away for good" he said and his words stung like a knife, her tears once again freely flowing.
"And if you're not strong enough to stay away, then I'll have to be" he said.
"Tristan..." she took another step shaking her head but was stopped by another voice saying his name.
They both looked towards the ballroom and Rory saw a tall blond girl with a careful half smile on her face.
"There you are" she said as she looked at him, then at Rory, studying her with recognition.
"I'll be right in, Anna" he told her and Rory glanced from one to the other, realizing she was his date. A date he brought to her grandparents' soiree.
The girl disappeared into the ballroom and Tristan focused on the ground as if slightly ashamed.
Rory took a deep breath, clearing her throat and wiping her eyes.
"Rory" he spoke and his voice was calm and warm, for the first time that evening "I want us to stop hurting each other"
She nodded trying to keep her composure.
He opened his mouth, but then gave up trying to find anything more to say.
He turned to walk inside the ballroom, stopping for a second.
"Goodbye" he said without turning around, before he left her alone on the balcony, not waiting for an answer.
xxxxxxxxxxx
"He brought a date" Lorelai heard her daughter's voice and she looked up from the carpet of the living room where she had been watching Luke and her baby boy play.
She saw Rory, who just walked in through the door, dressed in a silver satin dress, her hair pulled back in a loose bun, her expression in a frown as she stared at the happy family.
"Tinkerbell!" David giggled pointing to Rory and Lorelai couldn't help but chuckle as she saw Rory furrow her brows even more.
"I knew it" she grumbled "I should have worn the red one"
"What are you doing here?" Lorelai looked on shocked, trying to keep a straight face.
"He. Brought. A. Date" she replied, as if that were a perfectly reasonable answer.
"And that's my cue to head on upstairs" Luke said getting up from the floor, picking up his son who couldn't stop giggling as he stared at Rory in awe.
"Who are you talking about?" Lorelai smiled.
"He brought a date. A pretty one. A pretty, tall, blond date" Rory went on not taking notice of her mother's question as she paced up and down the room.
"I take it we are talking about Tristan... Wait a second, you went to Adolf and Dora's party?" she looked on shocked.
"Yes, I went there and he brought a date" Rory looked at her.
"Oy" Lorelai squinted "Sorry, babe"
"I can't believe he's already dating" Rory sighed, collapsing into the couch as the satin layers settled around her in quiet waves.
"He probably did it to piss you off" Lorelai said as she took a seat next to her, trying to comfort her.
"No mom, he didn't know I was coming, he was shocked to see me" she murmured, burying her face in her hand.
"I don't blame him, this dress really does make you look like Tinkerbell" Lorelai replied, trying to lighten the mood.
Rory gave her a scolding look.
"Sorry" Lorelai mouthed as she pulled a stray lock of her from her daughter's face.
"So you went to see him?" she asked, shifting the conversation.
Rory sighed, looking uncomfortable.
"Much good that did me" she mumbled.
"But you went there to see him" Lorelai went on, eying her daughter carefully "why, Rory? What was the point?" she asked, her voice incredulous.
"I wanted to talk to him, I guess" Rory replied defensively, her shoulders slouching in defeat.
"Well, did you?" Lorelai asked, holding her breath as she waited for her reply.
"Yes. No" Rory answered as she got up from the couch, frustrated, resuming her pacing "Yes. But it was like we were repeating ourselves over and over again. I am saying the same thing and obviously as the words fly through the air, they get jumbled up or magically get translated into Chinese or something because he doesn't seem to understand"
"Yeah, I hate when the magical translation happens" Lorelai smiled a half smile.
"And the thing is, that I don't understand either. Okay, maybe I just made a mistake and I am trying to make things seem less crazy, but I obviously messed up and I don't know how to undo everything" she went on, her voice becoming more and more emotional.
"Rory, honey, stop saying that" she sighed.
"But it's true mom, I don't even make sense to myself, he is right" Rory sighed exhausted, looking at her mother is despair.
"Rory, I can see why he is saying this to you, I, myself am having a hard time following you and your feelings " Lorelai said as she stood up to walk to her daughter.
"But I know you. I know you are not irrational. And I know you wouldn't throw away something that is important to you without any rhyme or reason. You did this for a reason, and hell" she said, her face becoming serious "if he loves you, if he really loves you, he should stick it out no matter what. He should stick it out even if you suddenly turn green and all your clothes burst open. Just like you stuck it out with him when he was depressed and finding himself and figuring out himself"
Rory looked down, her eyes welling up with tears.
"You were there for him, you supported him..." Lorelai went on, her voice determined.
"That was different" Rory whispered.
"No it wasn't. He was in a dark place, he was lonely and unable to trust anyone and you stood by him and waited for him to come around..." Lorelai continued.
"Mom, he had a genuine reason. He was abandoned by his family, sent away when he became a nuisance. He was on his own since age 16" Rory reasoned, her voice emotional as she talked about his past "What reason do I have? That I am unable to accept happiness?"
"No" her mother said wiping away her daughter's tears "Everything has a reason. Maybe you're just not able to be honest with yourself about what that reason was" she smiled a wry smile.
"I don't know anymore, mom. I don't know why I did what I did. I don't know anything anymore" she whispered as her mother pulled her into a hug, strong and comforting.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
He was hunching over his desk, rereading a contract for the fortieth time that day as the raindrops hitting his huge window created a steady murmur in the quiet office.
He suddenly looked up, sensing he was not alone, his eyes landing on a painfully familiar set of blue orbs.
He sighed closing his eyes in frustration.
"Your secretary was already gone, I let myself in" she said quietly as she walked up to his desk taking a seat from across him.
"Lorelai" he sighed again "to what do I owe this pleasure to?" he asked looking up at her, not hiding his annoyance.
"I need to talk to you about Rory" she said, her face determined.
He looked at her unimpressed as she stared at him waiting for his reaction.
"Talk away" he finally said with dismissal in his voice.
"She is very unhappy" Lorelai started, her eyes focusing on objects on his desk, as if she were trying to gain strength from the meticulously placed folders and stacks of paper.
He scoffed, his face in a frown, but she ignored it, continuing her speech.
"She is confused and I think she made a mistake..."
He cut her off by leaning over his desk, his voice angry and his tone low.
"Which one are you referring to, Lorelai? Her walking out on me the day after she accepted my proposal? Or her walking right back a couple of weeks later to spend the night and then disappear the next morning? Or her repeating this for several months despite me trying time and time again to talk with her and work it out with her?"
He finished his angry rant staring at the helpless woman in front of him, his eyes beaming and the silence in the office suddenly settling over them like a heavy blanket.
"Probably all of the above" Lorelai tried, her eyes pleading.
Tristan scoffed again, leaning back into his chair, his energy suddenly draining from him.
"Look, I know you are angry, I came here to try to explain her actions" she pleaded.
"You don't need to explain it to me, Lorelai" he started, his voice suddenly, quiet, calm "I know the reasons. She is your daughter"
She furrowed her brows not quite understanding.
"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, her voice defensive.
"It means she is as irrational as you are when it comes to accepting happiness" he replied, staring right into her eyes.
"That's harsh" she said, not even trying to hide the hurt in her voice.
"She is repeating your mistakes. Messing up a good thing, leaving, going back, being uncertain and hurting everyone in the process" he went on, his voice objective, indifferent.
"This is not about me" she said, her voice raising slightly.
"Oh but it is" he said with a smirk "Everything is always about you, Lorelai"
She furrowed her brows again trying to see where he was going with this.
"You raised her to be your clone and even now you feel the need to influence her decisions"
"That's not true, it's..." she protested, but failed, not being able to find any words to prove her side.
"Tell me you would have been happy if she said yes" he said, his voice now hostile.
She gasped, her eyes shooting sparks.
"I would have supported whatever decision she..." she started.
"Bullshit" he cut her off "You never liked me. She knew that"
"Oh okay, I think you are being a bit paranoid" she retorted.
"You thought I was the rebound guy" he stated, his voice suddenly amused and she couldn't take his cynical tone.
She got up and walked around the room nervously.
"You thought I was a poor replacement for Logan" he went on, his tone hurtful.
She scoffed and turned to face him.
"Oh well, geez, Tristan, forgive me the thought ever crossed my mind" she shot "You are rich, blond, cocky, successful..."
"And it just pissed you off that you drove one away and she would pick someone just like that" he chuckled.
"That is not true, I was concerned however that she would build a life trying to resemble the one she threw away" she shot back.
"Has it ever occured to you that maybe that's the life she wants?" he asked her and she stood dumbfounded.
"That maybe there is a reason he finds the rich, cocky guys? That maybe there was a reason she played the society kid for a full semester back when she dropped out of Yale? That there is a reason she manages your parents better than you?" he yelled at her, coming to stand behind his desk, his arms supporting his weight on the desk.
"You worked so fucking hard to keep her away from that, so that she could support your decision to throw all that away for a simpler life. But you know what? She can make up her own mind. And not everything about that life is horrible" he spat.
"Maybe she can be happy with the rich, cocky dude" he went on, his voice calming, as a sneer formed on his lips "despite you never managing to be"
She looked at him questioning.
"Yeah, that's right. You know who else is rich, cocky and blond?" he sneered as he sat back into his chair.
"Christopher" she whispered, as she humped down back into her own seat, her eyes lost in the distance as realization dawned on her.
"It's like you are fucking trying to live through her" he mumbled not even looking at her anymore, his eyes focusing on the contract again, pen in hand.
She sat in the chair, trying to fight back the tears that were stinging the back of her eyes.
"She makes her own decisions" she tried one last time, her voice faltering from all the emotions.
He looked up at her again, his face mirroring his true hurt for the first time that evening.
"I wish she would, but I fear you did a better job than you think you did at turning her into you"
xxxxxxxxxx
She stared at the ceiling of her room, listening to the storm calming outside. She loved that sound. The last bouts of wind shaking and rattling the trees, the thunder becoming soft and distant as it follows the fading lightning bolts onto regions unknown, the night air fresh and cool after the expectant warmness before the storm.
She was startled by her ringtone, breaking the silence of the room and she sighed as she picked up the phone.
"Yeah?" she asked, her voice surprisingly small.
"I talked to Tristan" she heard her mother say, her voice uneasy as if she were caught stealing candy.
"What? You called him?" Rory groaned, imagining her mother's antics.
"No... I .. went to New York" came the careful reply.
She waited for a second, closing her eyes, a blush creeping to her face despite her being alone in the dark of her room.
"Why would you do that? " she whispered, not having the strength to scream, like she really would have liked to.
"To talk to him" Lorelai said, her voice slightly more determined.
"About what?" she sighed.
"About you" her mother replied and she closed her eyes sighing again, the quiet static of the phone line weighing on the conversation.
"He thinks that I had something to do with you two not working out" Lorelai broke the silence, her voice slightly hurt and worried.
"That's crazy" Rory sighed again, suddenly feeling very tired.
"I don't know Rory, is it?" she heard her mother ask, her voice more lively, but still as hurt "Why did you say no to him? Why did you say no to Logan?" she went on, her frantic questions all hanging in the air.
"What?" she sat up, trying to follow her train of thoughts "What does Logan have to do with this?"
"He proposed and you said no" her mother replied bluntly.
"That was different, mom, I was 22, I just finished college and he was giving me an ultimatum" she reasoned.
"Tristan wasn't" came Lorelai's quiet, yet powerful reply.
"Yes, but..." she scoffed, not knowing how the conversation took such an absurd turn.
"Did you think I wouldn't have been happy if you would have married him?" Lorelai cut her off.
"What?" she asked incredulous "Mom, I... no, I don't choose my boyfriends thinking about whether you would like them or not"
"Yeah, but a husband is different, a husband is forever" her mother replied, then paused "For most people" she added, slightly ashamed.
"I don't know what you are trying to say here" Rory shook her head, trying to clear her head, as if this whole conversation was just a bad dream.
"Did you think I didn't like him?" her mother asked, her voice suddenly small.
"You never did much, mom" Rory admitted.
"But I would have made an effort if you were to say this is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with" she cut her off, her voice desperate.
"Mom, that's not why I left him, okay? " she reassured her.
"Then why did you?" came her question.
"I don't know, I... I don't know. It was just too much... too soon" she tried to reason.
"You were together for three years" Lorelai pointed out.
"He was not ready for a committed relationship..." Rory continued.
"He asked you to marry him, that's the most committed you can get" her mother contradicted.
"I don't know! Okay? I don't know" she shot back, suddenly defensive "Maybe I got scared, maybe I realized I wanted out, that I wanted my freedom"
"Like with Logan?" came Lorelai's confused question.
"God, why are you always comparing the two?" she groaned.
"I am not, I am trying to understand" she replied, stressing the words to make her point.
"I... no, that was different." she groaned again, frustrated.
"Yeah, you didn't get depressed for months and you didn't go back to him time after time" Lorelai said.
"What are you saying?" Rory asked, her voice defensive.
"I am not saying anything I am asking questions" came her mother's reply, her voice worried.
"Well stop, I am tired of this conversation" Rory replied with finality.
She heard her mother sigh.
"Rory, baby, I am just trying to help" she pleaded.
"Well don't, mom" she sighed "you can't just go there and fix it for me, okay? I don't even know what needs to be fixed. I don't even know if I want it fixed"
"Okay" she heard her mother's quiet reply.
xxxxxxxxx
"What are you doing Lorelai?" Luke asked as he eyed his wife cautiously.
She was sitting on their bed, her face determined as she stared into the distance.
"Lorelai?" he tried again, trying to get her attention.
"What? Nothing, just thinking" she replied nonchalantly.
"No, I don't buy that" he said, sitting down next to her "You've got that look"
"What look?" she asked, trying to play it cool.
"When you are planing something elaborate" he said raising an eyebrow.
"I am not planing anything" she said looking away, trying to escape his accusing stare.
"Okay, I am planing something, are you happy?" she finally caved, sighing dramatically.
"Something tells me I am not going to be once I know what you're thinking about" he sighed.
"I am going to have them make up" she said triumphantly.
"What?" he said confused "Who?"
"Rory and Tristan" she replied.
"I don't know Lorelai, is that a good idea?" he asked, his face worried.
"They are miserable without each other" she replied.
"From what I heard he was pretty set on not seeing her again. And she left him, if I remember correctly"
"Nonsense" she brushed his worries aside "I just have to get them in a room... like an intervention... like really force them to stay there together.. with no way out... I have to plan it"
"Lorelai" he said and his voice made her stop and look at him.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked, his eyes narrowing, trying to figure out what was running through her head.
She dropped her gaze nervously.
"She is my daughter, I want her to be happy" she said, her voice defensive.
"This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that he told you he thought this was all your fault, would it? he asked, eyeing her.
She sighed again, frustrated.
"He got that in his head, but all that won't matter if they make up" she replied.
"Are you sure this is what's gonna make her happy?" Luke asked.
"I don't know... but it's worth one more try" she sighed.
He took a deep breath, his worries not subsiding.
"I don't know, I have a bad feeling about this" he said.
"When do you not have a bad feeling about anything?" she asked, rolling her eyes, trying to lighten the mood as she climbed into his arms, kissing him sweetly.