Chapter 20 – Forgotten, not forgiven

The interrogation had ended, Lily's client had been taken to lockup and it was only her and Flack in the room. He handed her some papers and she was storing them in her briefcase when his phone rang.

'Flack. Yeah, sure … I'll see you there, bye.'

'That the new girlfriend?' she asked curiously and he looked surprised. 'Don't look so stunned, word traveled after that gang broke into her apartment last week.'

Flack nodded reluctantly and walked behind her while she left the room.

'Essex? No. What's her name?'

'Devon,' he answered curtly.

'Ah, well, it was a shire county …' she smiled, amazed at her own wittiness and left him standing in the hustle and bustle of the precinct, trying to suppress a grin.

Two days later fate reunited Flack and Lily in the same space again. However, this time it was a party. Devon had been invited this year and she had dragged Flack along while Lily was a usual guest. Being a legal advisor to very important people in Manhattan got her invited to many social gatherings she hated but had to attend anyway.

Some time into the party guests were talking and dancing when a scream made the music stop and the people gather around the woman who had shouted. She had found one of the guests lying in a pool of blood.

Flack took charge of the situation by making everyone step away from the crime scene and telling them not to leave the room before calling Dispatch to alert them of the circumstances. The problem was he couldn't leave the body alone but he had to talk to the guards at the door and assemble all the employees to make sure nobody left. When he was trying to figure out how to do this, Lily approached him and asked for his badge. She knew he always carried it with him in case something like this happened, even when he was wearing a tux. He gave it to her, a bit unsure of what she was going to do with it and saw her walk quickly to the doors.

Lily showed the badge to the two men at the doors and told them nobody left until it was cleared by her.

Afterwards, she crossed the ballroom in a few strides and got to the kitchen where she told the staff they had to go to the main room and wait there. They all obeyed except one of the cooks, who started running. Lily grabbed a potato from the counter and threw it at one of the waste bins. It hit it in the right angle, making it fall to the ground. The cook was so busy trying to escape that he didn't see the trash can on the floor and tripped with it, falling on his face. In a few steps she'd gotten to where he was and after putting his arms behind his back, lifted him from the floor and took him to the main room. Once back to the crime scene, they walked to where Flack was, Lily having a strong hold of his arms.

'This one tried to escape,' she told the detective. 'I'm guessing ex-con.'

Flack pushed the cook into a chair not too gently and told one of the uniforms that had just arrived to watch him.

Lily returned the badge to its owner just as Mac and Stella entered the room. After being interviewed by a uniform she left the building and was going to head home when her phone started ringing. She groaned after hanging up and took a cab to the 12th Precinct. Walking through the all too familiar corridors she stopped in front of an interrogation room and got in. Devon was sitting in a chair, her arms round her body, a bit scared of the room she was in. It was cold and not only because of the temperature. All that grayness made her feel uncomfortable and Lily's heart softened a bit.

'I'm Lillian Stewart and your father asked me to be your lawyer,' she extended her hand.

Danny entered with a case file in his hand and sat down in front of both women. He was going to start talking when Devon whispered something into her lawyer's ear.

'Detective, my client would like her boyfriend not to watch this interrogation,' said Lily uncomfortably.

He glanced at the mirror and Devon relaxed into her chair. Danny and Lily shared a look; they knew Flack hadn't moved and was still watching.

'Okay, now that we've settled that, why is she being questioned?'

'We found a lipstick print on our vic and it matches the one your client gave us as an elimination sample.'

'He's my dad's friend, I kissed his cheek,' Devon didn't understand why all that fuss over a kiss.

'Right now that's the only lead that ties him to someone at the party. You were there.'

'I said hello to him …'

'What is your dress made of? Synthetic velvet made with cotton?' Danny changed the subject and pushed a photo towards the redhead. 'That is a fiber we found in his watch.'

'So?'

'So you're the only one who was wearing pink at the party. I'm guessing if we take a sample from your dress it'll match this one.'

'Maybe the fiber got tangled in the watch when he was giving my client a hug. It doesn't tie her to the murder,' Lily said tiredly. 'Is that all you've got?'

'For now.'

'We both know my client didn't do it so stop wasting our time.'

'Yeah, yeah, you can go.'

Devon stood up and her lawyer told her to go home. On the other side of the glass Flack was still watching, a frown disappearing from his face. Lily put her arms on the table and placed her head on them.

'I can't believe you made me come here for a stupid pink fiber,' she glared at Danny and he chuckled.

'Don't forget the lipstick print.'

'That's a tough one to argue, I've got to admit it,' she rolled her eyes.

'Tired much?'

Lily glared at him again, the expression on her face saying 'you think?'.

'What about grabbing some coffee? I heard about the stunt you pulled earlier,' Danny got up and she followed.

'Dressed like this?' she was still wearing the emerald satin dress with a deep v-neck.

Danny cocked his head to the side and gave her one of his 'why not?' looks.

'Give me half an hour to go to my place and change. I'll meet you at the coffee shop.'

Danny was the first one to get out of the interrogation room. When she did, Flack was waiting for her. Lily sighed and closed her eyes in frustration.

'How may I help you?' she asked reluctantly.

'I wanted to thank you. For helping with the crime scene earlier and for helping Dev,' he sounded sincere.

'Her father's my client and he called me to say he wanted me next to his daughter. There's nothing to thank me for.'

'The situation's a bit sensitive ...'

'I don't let my personal life mess with my work. You can see anyone you want and if they ask for my help, I'll do whatever I can,' she walked to the exit and he followed.

'I know. But I wanted to say thank you anyway,' he drew a breath, 'I'm sorry, Lily.'

'Don't apologize, there's no need,' she left the building and Flack watched her go.

Half an hour later Lily was sliding into a booth in front of Danny with the biggest latte she was ever going to drink.

'Wow! You need that much caffeine?' he asked, smiling.

'I've been awake for …' she glanced at her watch, 'twenty six hours. This is all the caffeine I'll need if you want to have a conversation with me.'

'So where you learn the trick with the potato?'

'I don't reveal my secrets, Danny, but there's a lot you don't know about me.'

'I just don't understand, why didn't you chase after him?' that's what he would have done anyway.

'You saw how I was dressed. Ever tried to run with stilettos and a dress up to your ankles? Not easy, let me tell you.'

'Okay, okay. I think the potato thing was cool anyway,' he smiled.

They kept talking for a while until Stella approached them with a big cup on her hand.

'Mind if I join you, guys?' she asked and sat next to Danny. 'I heard what you did with the potato, I'm impressed,' Lily bit her lip and Danny smirked.

'What's the big deal? I knocked the trash can and he fell, that's it.'

'The way you reacted, going to the doors and then to the kitchen, grabbing the guy who was getting away … have you ever thought about being a cop?' Stella asked shyly.

'I reacted on instinct. I guess there are things that stick to you,' both detectives were puzzled.

'To tell you the truth, I … I was a cop for four years.'

'You were? Never mentioned it before,' Danny was surprised. Stella wasn't. The other times she'd met Lily on cases, she'd shown a sort of understanding and knowledge of police work.

'It's not something I really tell people,' she looked down, ashamed.

'Why not?' asked Danny, not noticing it was a touchy subject.

'Long story, maybe some other time?'

The three of them kept talking until it was time for the detectives to go back to work. They left the coffee shop and Lily walked with them to the lab. Danny said goodbye and entered the building while the women stood next to the door, finishing their conversation.

'Look, Lily,' said Stella wringing her hands, 'I don't know what happened but what you did in the party showed you're still one of us. You should think about coming back.'

'It has crossed my mind but I don't know if I can do it …' she took a deep breath, 'Do you, do you want to hear the story?'

'Do you wanna tell me?' Lily nodded and the two women entered the Crime Lab. They went all the way to the 35th floor and walked until they reached Stella's office.

'I'm sorry, could we do it somewhere more private? Without glass walls?' the younger woman asked, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

Flack had gone to talk to Hawkes about the case they were working on and before he left the building he stopped by the washroom in the locker room. He was almost finished when he heard two women entering. He washed his hands and was about to leave when a piece of the conversation reached his ears and made him stop in his tracks and listen.

'Well, as I told you before, I was a cop for four years,' started Lily. She was sitting in a bench facing Stella. 'I got into the academy the first semester of my freshman year and I started as a patrol cop. That's what I did for the next three years and a half.'

Stella nodded and urged her to go on. 'And then one day I met a detective from Vice. He was hunting for new people, you know how nobody lasts much in that division. They wanted to start an investigation and they needed a young woman so I said I was up for it. that's where it all started.'

'What was the assignment?'

'I had to gather information on a pimp who was also in the narc business and on one of his known associates.'

'You got in as one of his girls,' Stella stated, more than asked and Lily nodded. Flack had left the washroom door slightly ajar to see what was going on and he gasped. Lily had never mentioned being in the force or going undercover.

'Everything went really smooth at first. I was getting information and I was good. Brought him a lot of money and such. But one day I got made,' she stopped, took a breath and gulped before speaking again. 'I got on a car with tinted windows, nothing unusual and when I looked at the driver I saw it was my pimp. His associate was in the backseat; they somehow got word I was investigating them. So I reached for my gun and the associate knocked me out. When I woke up I was in some sort of abandoned house with my hands tied behind my back.'

'And what happened?' asked Stella softly, already knowing the answer.

'The associate grabbed my legs while my pimp started raping me and I fought, I swear to you Stella, I fought but I couldn't stop it,' she choked, fat tears running down her cheeks and Stella squeezed her hand. 'They took turns, enjoying themselves while I tried to get them off, find a way to escape.'

Flack closed his eyes and put his forehead against the door. This shouldn't have happened to her. He wanted to scream, hit something, kill the guys who had hurt her so much but he didn't move. There was more to this story.

'And then they … stopped. I was glad for a split second but then the associate – he was the most vicious one – took out a knife and stabbed me,' she paused, trying to compose herself and failing.

Flack was racking his mind, trying to remember that scar on her body. She only had one, above her left hip but that had been a dog bite … or maybe not, he thought to himself. She lied to you. She didn't tell you she'd been on the force and she lied about how and when she'd gotten the scar. He felt betrayed and hurt. She didn't trust him enough to tell him and yet she was pouring her heart out to Stella who wasn't even her friend. He'd been her boyfriend, for Christ's sake!

'They left me there to die and I don't know where I got the strength from, I really don't, but I managed to untie my hands and walk out from the old house. A guy was walking home and he found me trying to slow the bleeding and completely disoriented and desperate. He called EMS and after a surgery the doctors patched me up.'

Stella squeezed Lily's hand again, understanding her suffering.

'I never told anyone about this, not even my friends. I was so ashamed! I mean, I was a cop, for God's sake! If I couldn't protect myself how was I supposed to protect others? All the guys at the precinct knew and they, they stopped looking at me in the eye. Sergeant wanted me to go back to patrol but I … couldn't be a cop anymore. I was going to Law School at the time and the brass was so ashamed too of the whole situation that they gave me a job in Legal Aid. At first I thought everything would be fine, I mean, they hadn't killed me. As the days went by, however, I realized they had done something worse. Because if they'd killed me, the suffering would have stopped but this … this hurt, it didn't go away,' tears continue to roll down her cheeks.

Flack closed his eyes for the umpteenth time since the conversation had started. It was breaking him to see Lily like this, to hear her saying those awful things. He still loved her, she'd been a very important part of his life and seeing her break down was unbearable. He would have done anything to go back to the past and stop her from being hurt. And he wondered how she had lived with this buried for many years. He wanted to go and hug her real tight, kiss her tears away but he couldn't. She didn't want to disclose this information to him so he was going to pretend he didn't hear the conversation at all. As hard as that would be …

'So I blocked it. Never told anyone about it and just went on with my life. I graduated, passed the bar in three states and as time went by, I forgot about it. It was easier this way. I was ashamed of myself and full of self-loathing for a long time. From the moment I got into the academy to the three years and a half I spent as a patrol cop I felt being a police officer was the only thing I could do. There wasn't anything else I'd rather do and then, when things got a bit tough I … gave up. I just gave everything up and ran away.'

'You'd been through something terrible,' Stella tried to comfort her.

'And so have you and Mac and Don but neither of you gave up. I admire you for that,' Lily wiped some tears from her eyes and Stella hugged her, asking if she'd told Don about this.

'No, he would have thought I was a coward. And he would have been right.'

Flack's heart broke for a split second. He would have never thought that. He would have been hurt too and angry at the men who had hurt her – never at Lily – and he would have tried to fix it although there was nothing he could do about it.

'If it really was the only thing you could do, you'll come back. The way you reacted today is the proof you can still do the job. I have the feeling deep down in your heart you want to; you want to get over this and the only way is coming back,' Stella smiled encouragingly.

'Thanks for listening to me Stella. I'm sorry I took so much of your time,' Lily sniffed and rubbed her bloodshot eyes, standing up from the bench.

'No problem, whatever you need, kiddo,' both women hugged and left the locker room, each going to a different destination.

Flack got out of the washroom and sat on the bench the women had been occupying minutes before with his head in his hands. The thought of Lily suffering so much had never crossed his mind; she was always so kind and forgiving instead of being full of hate. But she had suffered a lot and he felt like a jerk knowing he'd added to that suffering. There was nothing else he wanted to do more than being close to her and comfort her but he couldn't. He'd blown that opportunity. His heart went out to her, he couldn't imagine what it felt like going through all that.

Flack was feeling guilty. He'd always assumed Lily had had a life of comfort and no major problems. He'd been dead wrong and if he could, he would kick himself for ever thinking something like that. She'd been through a lot and Flack wished he could fix it. He got up and out of the building and drove home.

Bits from the conversation he'd overheard were playing over and over again in his head. He was shocked and hurt. He'd never expect Lily to get involved in something like this and he was hurt because she never told him. She didn't trust him enough to share her secret and it was like a stab to the chest. Flack thought they'd been completely honest with each other, no secrets between them. He'd been wrong. He understood why Lily hadn't said anything but still felt a bit betrayed. She loved him – at least that was what she'd said – and you were supposed to trust the people you love.

Flack shook his head, trying to erase those thoughts from his mind. He also tried to forget the image of Lily crying her heart out, gripping Stella's hand but he couldn't. She looked so … vulnerable. She'd never been like that, not even in private. She was always the strong one, the one who rarely shed a tear and supported everyone else. Truth was, she'd been destroyed and he could see it. Yes, she had kept living but she hadn't actually moved on. Because moving on meant letting go and she was still scared. That's why Flack wanted so much to hold her and kiss her and protect her; so that she wouldn't be afraid anymore.

He suddenly found himself remembering her laugh, her smile, her naked body dimly lit by the sun in the morning, the feeling of her lips on his; all the moments she'd been happy with him. Had she ever been happy with him or had it been a lie too? He really hoped it wasn't a lie. And he really hoped he could get a second chance.

He wanted to tell Lily she shouldn't be ashamed or scared but proud of being a fighter. That he'd always protect her and love her and most of all, he wanted to tell her he'd give anything in the world to go back and stop that from happening. Even if it changed their lives completely and meant they couldn't be together. For the first time Flack realized that he loved her. It wasn't just a word and it was more than a feeling. He'd sacrifice his happiness, his life with her so that she could avoid living a traumatic experience.

In a sudden impulse he turned to the right, drove a few more blocks and stopped in front of a building. Her building, actually. He just stayed there, inside his car, his mind still racing. Flack wanted so much to knock on her door, tell her he was sorry and that he loved her a lot but he didn't have the guts to do it. That was when he saw her; Lily was walking towards her home. Her arms were round her body and she looked … broken. Her eyes were still red and her expression solemn. She got inside her building while Flack watched. He just sat there staring at the door, unable to move and cursing himself for his stupidity.

After a few minutes he convinced himself it was better that way. He wasn't supposed to know, Lily was talking to Stella, after all. Flack was going to pretend he hadn't eavesdropped on their conversation and was hoping she could find a way to feel better. By herself, by opening up to her friends, by going back to the job; it didn't matter as long as she got over it. He sighed and drove to his place, a thousand things going through his mind.

So we're on the fourth season, folks! You Only Die Once is a great episode for Flack and I just had to write it in the story. Thanks to the few of you who are reading, please leave a review with comments, suggestions, encouragement, advice, criticism or whatever.

Thanks to sparkyCSI