She climbed the stairs to the courtroom, trying to hold back her smile.
She rarely came to watch him, because it still felt like she was trespassing into private territory. He seemed so serious about his work, so concentrated. But also, he made a point to keep his work and private life separate. He was very determined with every assignment he took on, but he never brought work home. Instead, he stayed in, late into the night if needed, at the office. He rarely spoke about cases, even if she could tell they were bothering him. She learned that this wasn't a result of him not wanting to share it with her, but simply him trying to keep his life away from his work, not letting it taint every aspect of it.
She could tell he still had regrets about having chosen this field of profession. He told her this once, in a sudden bout of honesty, that he wished he could have ended up doing something else than the family legacy required him to do, but it seemed to him, that he was meant to do it.
She was also convinced the first time she saw him deliver a closing argument. He seemed to be a different person, someone performing, someone so dedicated, so serious, that it made the hairs on her back stand on end. His eyes shone with a feverish determination and his speech was so convincing, so undeniably logical, she almost felt sorry for his opponent.
She opened the door to the courtroom and sneaked in, standing in the last row, hiding behind the onlookers. It was a big case, she knew and he had been in the office until almost midnight the day before. She didn't ask, but she knew he was preparing a closing argument.
He had been nervous all week, not the nervous anyone would notice, but the nervous that was characteristically Tristan. He ran religiously every morning, but this week, he came home early from his jogs, not running his usual ten laps. She could tell he didn't have enough patience, wanting to get to the office as soon as possible, ideas probably bursting in his head.
He was distracted during dinner, only partly listening to her ramble about the latest gossip in Stars Hollow. And then there was the sex. She didn't particularly dislike that change, but it was also a telltale sign of him being under immense pressure. He would be urgent, efficient and incredibly raw, taking her like a storm, raging and strong.
She wondered for years how she could make these periods more easy for him, but the conclusion always was that it was better to give him his space. He didn't like to ponder thoughts and feelings and she knew herself that she wasn't particularly the best subject to bounce legal ideas off of, so she accepted this is how it would be. She got ready for the strained endgame and the post-win blues. Tristan was like a map she knew by heart.
She watched him, halting in his speech for the briefest of seconds, looking at the jury, and her heart began to race suddenly, knowing she couldn't concentrate on the case if she were to sit there and he were to look at her with those eyes of his.
Not like she could concentrate anyways. Most of Tristan's cases were so inexplicably foreign to her, what with business jargon and taxation protocols she didn't even knew existed, that it made her head spin. She was never good with anything remotely related to anything legal, still relying on her mother to explain to her about filing her taxes, handling her social security or anything more complicated than buying a movie ticket.
He on the other hand seemed to have an incredible talent for it. Deciphering and creating sentences that she couldn't even find the verbs in. Tristan was a natural born lawyer. Even if that fact burdened him.
She smiled as he finished his speech, taking one last look at the jury and then retreating to his desk.
He looked so grown up, so serious, it was hard for her to grasp that this was the same person that she knew back in high school, spiky haired and horrible mannered.
moments until the voice, the face and the memories all collected in her head to result in clarity and even then she forgot to breathe for a second.
Her reverie ended suddenly when she heard a strangely familiar voice. Her head whipped towards the person of origin, her mind reeling as she identified the source. It took her long.
She looked at the man, so familiar but also strangely different, seemingly older than the couple of years she hadn't seen him would have called for. He spoke slowly, eloquently, starting his own argument, opposing Tristan's.
His professionalism, logical, clear and simple way of speaking seemed to be the most unidentifiable for Rory, as her mind couldn't quite process the fact that Colin McCrae was a honorable, responsible lawyer.
Yes, it was him without a doubt, and she realized that she hadn't seen him since she graduated. In hindsight, it seemed strange that someone who was present during most of her years in college and was such a constant presence in her life for a long time, would just disappear. Then again, it wasn't the only thing that ended abruptly right after graduation, leaving her to rebuild her life, her goals, herself. She stood transfixed, unable to take her eyes off the ghost of her past even as she found it impossible to concentrate on his words, her mind spinning out of control with the new found information.
She knew for a fact that Tristan knew who Colin was, having both been brought up in society families in Hartford, and even though it seemed to give him great pain to listen to her talk about anything in her past that was in any relation to one of her exes, he was well aware of her friendship with Logan's buddies.
Her mood shifted slowly, her chest suddenly feeling tighter than before as realization dawned on her. She glanced at Tristan, who sat behind his assigned desk, listening calmly to his opponent's words, his face not telling of any emotions present. She had a nauseating realization that he must have been using that very same front with her when he forgot to mention the unimportant detail of him being up against the best friend of her former flame.
Her heartbeat sped up and she wondered for a second if she was overreacting.
She studied Tristan's face for the smallest hint of something that could help her understand his motives, but his face seemed emotionless, almost foreign.
She was startled by the sudden lack of silence in the courtroom and she realized that Colin's speech had ended already, the judge dismissing the courtroom until further notice. People moved past her and she suddenly felt the lack of air in her lungs, as if she had remembered after a long time to take a breath.
She moved passively to give way to people retreating towards the exit, her eyes focused on Tristan who exchanged a couple of words with his team and gathered his stuff to leave as well.
Their eyes met and he froze mid movement. For a second she could have sworn she saw him glance towards the desk of the other camp, but she couldn't be certain. He left his partners behind, walking up to her, his face calm, but his eyes reflecting concern.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, his hand reaching out to touch her arm ever so lightly, as if probing.
"I...I came to see you" she replied hesitantly.
There was a moment of silence between them and she could see he was not going to address the situation, if his life depended on it.
"That's Colin McCrea" she said, her declaration matter of fact, her voice a mixture of hurt, confusion and anger.
He didn't answer, his eyes focused on hers and it pissed her off to no end.
"Tristan, you've been working on this case for weeks" she whispered, looking around, acknowledging the very public place they were in, but her body's every cell had been fired up with the anger that started to boil.
He didn't reply, dropping his gaze to the floor, which made him look guilty, even though she knew he almost never felt guilty about anything.
Her eyes squeezed slightly in concentration, as the thought occurred to her that if he didn't feel guilt, he must have had a good reason to not tell her.
"Why didn't you mention it?" she asked, even as she knew she wasn't going to get a clear answer so easily.
He took a deep breath as if contemplating how to answer that. He came up with a shrug that enraged her even more.
"Fine" she answered, moving past him towards the front of the courtroom.
"Rory" he called after her, his voice urgent, worried, but she took no note of it, determined to forget about him for a minute, as his actions could only be interpreted by her at that point as jealousy, which seemed childish and ridiculous.
She walked towards Colin who was still at his desk at the front of the courtroom, the crowd already cleared out from around him.
She came to stop a couple of steps away from him and he looked up, a flash of surprise apparent in his eyes.
"Rory Gilmore" he stated, his voice matter of fact, slightly cold even, and it made her feel strange.
He returned to packing away documents from the desk, even as he had a slight smile on his face.
"Colin, wow, I haven't seen you..." she smiled.
"In a while" he finished for her, finally finishing packing away stuff. He took a step towards her, coming to stand in front of her.
He glanced behind her, and she unconsciously turned to see what he was looking at.
She saw Tristan, still standing where she left him, his eyes showing concern, but the rest of his face as unreadable as ever.
He turned around, walking out of the courtroom, leaving them behind.
"Tristan is my..." she turned back to him, feeling a need to explain her presence.
"I know" he cut her off and she looked at him surprised.
"You two talked?" she asked, feeling slightly uneasy.
"Only about tax related issues" he chuckled and she realized that it wouldn't be the only way how he could have known.
Being a society child meant constant updates on other society children.
She suddenly realized the awkwardness of the situation, and she felt a slight bit less mad about Tristan not having mentioned this whole ordeal to her. Here were two young professionals, up against each other in a room full of people that knew nothing of the strange and invisible tie that connected them.
"You look good, Rory" his warm words snapped her out of her thoughts and she watched surprised as he moved past her towards the exit.
"Hey" she turned around, stopping him in his way "I haven't seen you in years, you're just gonna walk off like that?" she chuckled, genuinely surprised.
He turned around and her smile was frozen onto her face as she saw the nervous indifference on his face.
He spread his arms slightly in a gesture of undecidedness and she looked on surprised.
"Take care" he said as a goodbye and turned back towards the exit.
She stared after him in shock, an uneasy feeling settling over her. She suddenly felt as though there was something she should feel guilty for, something she'd forgotten about, making her heart race and her breathing uneven.
She walked out of the courtroom in a haze, stepping outside into the cold winter afternoon.
It was still light, but she could see the beginning of dusk, coming way to early. Her breath was visible and she closed her eyes, letting the cold air cool her burning face.
She opened her eyes again and she saw Tristan, standing on the top part of the steps in front of the building.
She walked down towards him, coming to stop next to him on the steps.
He turned to look at her, his face concerned.
"You okay?" he asked, his voice quiet.
"Why did you not tell me about him?" she asked, her voice now clear of emotions, plain curious.
He took a deep breath.
"I don't know, I didn't want you to..." he started, trailing off.
"To see that he is so indifferent towards me?" she asked and she saw him furrow his brows.
His silence was affirmation and she suddenly felt like the two men knew more than her, that she was somehow oblivious to something that was evident to them even without having spoken about anything.
"It's not indifference, Rory" he sighed.
"Then what?" she asked, genuinely confused.
"He is Logan's friend" he stated, as if that sentence alone could explain everything.
"He was my friend too" she retorted, not wanting to accept the explanation.
"He is Logan's friend" he repeated, and the sentence sounded like a conviction, momentarily silencing her.
She stood, letting the meaning of his words sink in.
"So he is loyal to him by not talking to me?" she asked slowly.
"You broke the guy's heart, Rory" he said, the words coming out as though it was painful for them to say it.
"That was years... I didn't break his..." she stuttered, but gave up eventually, letting the silence settle on them.
"How" she shook her head "how did you know all this if you didn't talk to him about it?" she asked, suddenly more concerned about Tristan's part in all this.
He looked at her with a confused expression.
"You didn't talk to me about him, because you were trying to protect me from this disappointment, right?" she spelled it out for him, frustrated, finally understanding his motives herself.
He stood there, silently, his face concerned and worried.
"How did you know that he would be like this?" she demanded, her heart racing with worry.
He exhaled a deep breath, as if finally giving in.
"You broke his heart, Rory" he repeated, his voice calm, extremely quiet "you probably broke him for good. And no friends like to see their friend broken to pieces" he finished, averting his eyes.
Dusk was starting to win and there was less and less light, making hard for her to read his face.
It made sense to her, his theory, and the knowledge that someone was out there still feeling hurt enough about something that happened so long ago, to result in his friends refusing to talk to her, made her feel ashamed. But even worse was the nagging feeling in her chest.
She turned to him.
"You agree with him" she said slowly, the meaning of her own words sinking in.
"What?" he asked, his tone slightly annoyed.
"You agree with Colin" she repeated herself, clarifying.
The muscles in his jaws twitched and she felt the ground lift beneath her feet.
"What is this, some sick male fraternity? Comeradry above all?" she asked, incredulous.
"Rory" he called out her name, glancing around annoyed. His attempt to calm her made her even more enraged.
"You are taking his side" she pointed out.
"I' not taking anyone's fucking side" he shot back "what the hell do you want me to say?"
"I want you to say that he is ridiculous and that I shouldn't give a damn!" she shot back, her voice trembling.
"You shouldn't" he replied, his voice tense.
"I am not the villain here" she shot at him.
He exhaled again, defeated, his face mirroring hurt.
"Tristan" she called his name, her voice shocked "You think that that's what I do? I go and break people?"
"Rory" he rubbed his eyes "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"No. I have to know if you are in a relationship with me thinking the other shoe is going to drop any second" she said, her voice incredulous.
"I do think that, Rory!" he shot and the intensity of his voice, the pure emotion on his face shocked her to silence.
"I live like that day after day. I can't fucking do anything but hope that it will stay the way it is now, but I don't know for sure. Cause who knows if you're going to wake up one day changing your mind again. I do it, because there is nothing else I can do, because I don't want to go and live my life broken up. But it's a fucking risk. Every day is a fucking risk with you" he finished, turning around and walking down the steps of the building, disappearing into the falling darkness.
She stared after him, shocked, unable to speak or move. The air around her felt warm, despite her knowing better and the light seemed to drain from around her by the second. She willed herself to breathe, her heart racing wildly as he disappeared from her sight.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
She didn't know how she got home. She realized that she must have been walking around town without rhyme or reason for hours because her hands were frozen lifeless, her knuckles painfully white as she fished her keys from her pocket.
She took a breath before inserting the key into the lock, not knowing what would wait behind the door.
She opened it slowly, stepping in quietly.
"Thank god" she heard his voice and she looked up to see him approach her with a relieved expression.
She inhaled sharply, surprised by his reaction and the fact that he was home waiting for her.
"Mary, I'm sorry" he whispered as he reached her, his hand going around her neck to pull her close.
She breathed a sigh of relief, even as the guilt still pulsated within her.
He whispered into her hair, his words inarticulate, feverish, hugging her close.
He pulled away, his hands brushing back the hair from her face, his eyes studying her face.
"Tristan" she whispered, her whole body shivering, the warmth of the apartment not yet reaching her cold body.
"I.." he started, his eyes closing for a long second "I don't know why I said those things" he frowned.
"Because they are true" she cut in and he looked up shaking his head.
"Rory, no, I didn't..." he pleaded.
"You are right. You are right to feel like that" she cut him off again "But how can you be with me, if you really feel like that?" she asked, her voice trembling with fear.
"I can't be without you" he stared into her eyes, his voice calm.
She exhaled unevenly, not convinced.
"I am not going to lie. Ever. You killed me and you broke me, but I had to realize that being apart from you is harder for me to handle than living with this insecurity. So I accepted that and I am here, okay? I am here" he said and he seemed so convincing, so reasonable it made her forget her own imperfections.
She shook her head, trying to clear it.
"I can't fix this. I can't do anything, to make you not feel like this" she started, not looking into his eyes "but that's all I want. I wish I could wipe the slate clean and not see that hurt I caused" she rambled, and she felt like she did when she was writing, not able to voice the words that seemed to swim in her mind.
"Rory" he said, his hand lifting her chin so their eyes were leveled "You wipe the slate clean every day" he went on and she looked at him, furrowing her brows to understand him.
He groaned frustrated as if he were having trouble expressing himself, trying to find words, but his eyes were shining confidently, a small smile creeping onto his features as he started to talk carefully.
"You wipe it clean with every morning that I wake up and you are in our bed, sleeping cuddled into the sheets. With every night that I come home and you sit in the couch with your laptop. With every sentence you write. With every time that you meet me on the street to have lunch with me. You wipe it clean every time you make love to me, every time you call my name and every time you shiver in my arms" he said, his words becoming a quiet whisper as she closed her eyes, feeling the heat creep up on her face. He pulled her closer, his mouth moving against her ears as he went on.
"You fix it with every hum and every glide of your hand and every silence that you keep around me when I need it. You heal me with every moment you are with me. With every day I am more whole, more at peace" he went on.
"I am sorry I ever made you feel guilty" he sighed "there is no reason for you to feel guilty. You give me life" she exhaled sharply, listening to him finish his speech as he pulled her into tight hold.
She felt the warmth of him penetrate her skin, defrosting her limbs and reaching deep within her chest.
"I love you" she whispered, her voice shaking as she clung to him.
"I know" he said, his voice calm, kissing her into relieved calmness.