Give Her Some Credit Chapter 21: Already Gone, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the songs I make reference to. If I did own Twilight, this story would be sold in stores everywhere with less grammar/spelling mistakes and I'd be rich… Damn :(

A/N: Okay, this time the author's note is prior to the chapter because… well because I have a feeling you all will be a little distracted and won't read it afterwards :)

First off, that fanfiction I described is called Rebirth by pdotkin. I got a story alert because she just updated (Thank god, you all tried, but no one found it). Many people asked what it was; it's in my favorites too. In fact, check out all my favorites; they're awesome!

Second, this chapter is my newest baby; I haven't loved a chapter so much since the one where Renesmee asked Bella about Edward. And I edited it like crazy; I even printed it out and went over it with a red pen (I am a teacher…). With that said, I WANT COMMENTS! Please? I love everyone's reviews and I know you'll all have some interesting comments (since you may love it or hate it). Keep an open mind for both of them, please, everything happens for a reason!

Thanks, Read, Review! ~ kmwhyte

EPOV (Edward)

I walked up the stairs in silence with Bella following close behind me. I led her down the second floor hallway to my room. I held the door open for her and closed it after she walked across to the double-paned window overlooking the backyard.

I leaned against the door, not quite sure how to start the conversation. We were quiet for several minutes before Bella finally spoke.

"How long?"

She didn't look at me; she just continued to stare out the window. "Fourteen years; give or take a few months." I knew that I had spent exactly fourteen years, two months and six days before going back to my family, but I didn't see how that was going to help.

Bella took a deep breath and spoke again. "… When?"

"About six months after I left." Again, I knew it was exactly five months and twenty two days, but I wasn't going to admit that. It shouldn't have taken me that long, not when it came to Bella.

She folded her arms across her chest while still facing away from me. "… W-Where?"

Everywhere, Bella. I went everywhere looking for you! I ran my fingers through my hair. "Everywhere. I went back to Forks first and when I couldn't find you; I called Charlie."

"He never mentioned that…" She whispered.

"I didn't tell him that it was me…" No, Charlie had no idea that it was me; he thought I was
Mike 'shameless flirt' Newton. I would have never found out anything if I had told him the truth, and he probably would have tried to shoot me if he knew I had been calling from outside his house.

"After that I went to Jacksonville. When I called your mom, she didn't know where you were either-"

"You're the one who blew my cover; you told my parents that I wasn't with the other one," she interrupted.

"I'm sorry about that; it wasn't my intention to cause any problems-"

Bella raised her head and held up a hand without turning around. "No, that wasn't your fault; it was mine." Oh, thank god, she's not getting any angrier at me…

"Yes, well, either way… I went to every state after that; searching nearly every city and town I could think of. I must have checked every state at least three times during then. I tracked down every relative I could find of yours. I found cousins you've never even heard of. When you told your parents you were attending University of Alaska I went there. I broke into the dean's office and searched through their files, but never found anyone with the last name Swan. I spend a week tracking down every other Isabella, or Bella, at that school. There were twenty three of them at the time. None of them were you." None even compared to her.

"I never actually went there," she breathed.

"Yes, I figured that one out. After that, I continued to search. I went south, which took twice as long since I couldn't go out into the sun. I went to Mexico, but didn't search there long. I never thought you would actually go there." Bella liked the heat, but she didn't speak Spanish and she wouldn't have traveled that far out of her comfort zone. "After that I headed to Canada. I looked everywhere I could think of, Bella." I swear.

"Why'd you stop?" She began fiddling with the hem of top.

"At about the ten year mark, I started trying to convince myself that you didn't want to be found. That you had moved on; that you had a life. That you had a good life; even though you weren't telling your parents about it. I hoped that you had found someone to love you the way you should be loved; someone that you loved back. Someone who treated you the way you deserved to be treated; who could give you the things that I couldn't. It took me about four years to actually accept that."

I moved closer to her, but she still didn't turn around so I continued. "The past six years, I… I have been in the worst hell, Bella. During those fourteen years, I had a purpose, a mission. It was still all about you; about me trying to find you. I was miserable without you, but I was still hoping that I would somehow find you. The last six years, though, have been worse than what I imagine hell to be. I have had no reason to keep going. My only reason to keep going is you."

I needed Bella more than I had realized and without a reason to live, exclusively pertaining to her, I was truly lost.

Bella placed her hand on her head and whispered something so low that I barely caught it. Unfortunately it was; 'damnit, Edward.' That's not a good sign.

I hurried to explain further. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I made the biggest mistake of my existence and I realized it too late. Please. I'm so sorry."

"Edward…" Bella turned around to face me; her arms were at her side and she looked into my eyes. I hadn't read her face in so long, but I knew that look; it meant that she was frustrated and… sad. "It took you six months to realize you made the biggest mistake that either of us has been a part of. Do you know how long it took me to realize it?" There was no right answer to that question. I knew it was a shorter time than it took me, but I knew no answer would help me in trying to explain my reasoning.

"Six seconds. Six seconds, after you walked away and I found myself trying to follow you only to fall on the ground and not get up, I knew that that was the worst thing I would ever have to deal with. I knew that my heart would never recover from that 'mistake.' All the pain, all the fire I went through, doesn't even compare."

"Bella-" I took two steps, slowly, only to have her lift her hands slightly to halt my forward movements.

"Do you realize the things I gave up because of you; the things that I don't have, or have an opportunity for, because of you? I loved you; and you had sex with me and got me pregnant, Edward. I died because of it, or at least I would have if I hadn't been able to find the venom…"

It wasn't lost on me that I could've lost her. It wasn't lost on me that she chose Alice's venom either.

"Bella, I'm sorry-"

"No." Bella took a deep breath and looked back into my eyes. "Just… listen. I haven't seen my parents in twenty years because they can't see me like this. They have no idea that they are grandparents to the most wonderful girl in the world. They think I'm some wandering gypsy who is probably searching the world for her ex-boyfriend who left her. They think I don't care about them.

"I gave up my family and my friends. I gave up finishing high school in Forks and going to college. I gave up being human and growing old. I can't eat; I can't sleep. Do you know how much I miss sleep? Every night I watch Renesmee sleep and just wish I could feel that relief again. I can't go in public in the sunlight. I freakin' sparkle, Edward. And I can't cry. You have no idea how much I wish I could cry; how much I want to cry right now!"

I could see the tears that would never come building in her eyes. She was barely keeping her voice from shaking with the emotion that she was giving off. I'm sure that if Jasper was in the room with us, he would have been on the floor by now.

"Bella, I'm sorry-" I had no idea what to say, but she didn't give me the chance to attempt to say anything either.

"No. Edward, you don't get it." Oh, I understand; I ruined her life. "I don't care that I gave that all up. I got the most wonderful thing in the world for it, Renesmee, and I wouldn't change it, ever. I always wanted this life, Edward. I knew it would be hard and I knew I'd have to give that stuff up, but I didn't get what I wanted by choosing it. The only reason I ever wanted to become a vampire, before her, was you. I wanted to spend my entire life, a thousand times over, with you. I got exactly what I wanted and something I didn't think to ask for, but I didn't get the reason I wanted it; I didn't get you."

No, apparently, I hadn't understood. "Bella…"

She walked over to me. We were maybe a foot apart and I wanted to reach out to her so much, but I was still unsure of where this conversation was headed. "I really want to cry right now and not just because I didn't get what I wanted, but because you were too late. If you had found me while you were searching… I know I would have forgiven you and ran right into your arms. But, you gave up on us, Edward." No, I didn't. I just didn't know where to look! "And so did I. I held out hope for so long, but after so many years, my unbeating heart died, too. I'm sorry, Edward. I really am, but it's… it's just too late."

Too late? I didn't know what to say. I could convince her that I made a mistake; that I was wrong, that I love her and want her. But I couldn't convince her to love me. I couldn't convince her to give us another chance if she was so set against it. I had nothing to bargain…

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"Bella…" I didn't know what to say. For the first time, I had no idea how to save the situation. I had no idea how to fix it. I can't fix this…

"I'm gonna go visit with everyone. I'll see you later, Edward." She walked around me and opened the door to leave. I couldn't turn to watch her leave; the irony was too much. I heard the door click as I stared out the window.

BPOV (Bella)

I followed Edward up the stairs and down the hallway. He held open the door for me as I walked in.

I walked across the room looking from side to side slyly; it was obviously his room. He had shelves full of music and books, along with a black leather couch in the corner. There was a large circular carpet with golden shag. It was nearly identical to his room in Forks.

He just replaced everything.

I could tell that the stereo wasn't hooked up and that most of the CDs weren't even open. I couldn't decide if I wanted to laugh or cry. He got everything brand new and he hadn't even used any of it yet.

I stood in front of a double-paned window showcasing their backyard. I saw Esme and Rosalie walking inside with Renesmee; she looked so happy.

We stood for several minutes, with me staring outside and him leaning against the closed door. Even though I asked to talk to him, I couldn't think of what to say; so I started with the obvious.

"How long?"

"Fourteen years; give or take a few months."

Oh my god… I gasped, disguising it as a deep breath. He spent fourteen years looking for me. How did he never find me?

"… When?"

"About six months after I left."

Six months… six months we were in South Dakota; Hartford to be more specific. I crossed my arms, trying to stay facing the window.

"… W-Where?"

I could hear Edward running his hands through his hair; I had to restrain myself from turning around to look at him. "Everywhere. I went back to Forks first and when I couldn't find you; I called Charlie."

"He never mentioned that…" I whispered. I had spoken to Charlie numerous times then and he never said anyone called about where I was. He mentioned that Mike had asked how I was doing, but that's it all.

"I didn't tell him that it was me… After that I went to Jacksonville. When I called your mom, she didn't know where you were either."

So, it was him; he blew my secret. He told my parents that I lied; I should have known… "You're the one who blew my cover; you told my parents that I wasn't with the other one."

"I'm sorry about that; it wasn't my intention to cause any problems-"

I interrupted him by raising my hand. "No, that wasn't your fault; it was mine." It didn't matter anymore. My parents never called the FBI to find me; though Renee threatened to.

He went there? "I never actually went there."

"Yes, I figured that one out. After that, I continued to search. I went south, which took twice as long since I couldn't go out into the sun. I went to Mexico, but didn't search there long. I never thought you would actually go there, even to hide. After that I headed to Canada. I looked everywhere I could think of, Bella."

He searched everywhere. He did look for me. But…

"Why'd you stop?" I fiddled with the hem of my top trying to distract myself.

Edward sighed. "At about the ten year mark, I started trying to convince myself that you didn't want to be found. That you had moved on; that you had a life. That you had a good life; even though you weren't telling your parents about it. I hoped that you had found someone to love you the way you should be loved; someone that you loved back. Someone who treated you the way you deserved to be treated; who could give you the things that I couldn't. It took me about four years to actually accept that."

I heard him approach, but I couldn't bring myself to face him yet. I just couldn't look into his eyes while he was saying this. He wanted me to have a normal, human life, but that was the last thing I could have. He just didn't understand that I could never have that after him. I couldn't love someone else or be happy with someone else when I knew he had been mine once upon a time.

"The past six years, I… I have been in the worst hell, Bella. During those fourteen years, I had a purpose, a mission. It was still all about you; about me trying to find you. I was miserable without you, but I was still hoping that I would somehow find you. The last six years, though, have been worse than what I imagine hell to be. I have had no reason to keep going. My only reason to keep going is you."

"Damnit, Edward." I barely realized that I said it aloud; it was so quiet, but I knew he heard it.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I made the biggest mistake of my existence and I realized it too late. Please, I'm so sorry."

He made a mistake. I knew it was a mistake; why didn't he realize that earlier? Why couldn't he see that before? Why couldn't he just think about it for a few more days? I would have figured out I was pregnant earlier if I hadn't been distracted by him leaving me. He wouldn't have left then. Damnit…

"Edward…" I turned around to face him. I looked into his honey eyes and saw all the remorse he felt. But, it was too late. "It took you six months to realize you made the biggest mistake that either of us has been a part of. Do you know how long it took me to realize it?"

Edward looked at me, I could tell he wanted to reach for me, but I was glad that he resisted. I don't think I could keep going if he touched me.

"Bella-" I held up my hands to stop him from coming closer to me.

I couldn't let this go; I had to make him understand. I wasn't doing it to make him sad or angry; I just needed him to see why I felt this way. "Do you realize the things I gave up because of you, the things that I don't have, or have an opportunity for, because of you? I loved you, and you had sex with me and got me pregnant, Edward. I died because of it, or at least I would have if I hadn't been able to find the venom…"

I wanted so badly to tell him the truth. The truth about the venom, but he would misunderstand. He would think it meant something that it didn't. It wasn't by choice that his venom coursed through my heart; I hadn't done it on purpose. I didn't know what I was doing when I was in labor; I just knew I needed to save myself for Renesmee, that I needed to survive for her. I did it on instinct and here I was living with both Edward and Alice's venom coursing through my veins for eternity. No, I couldn't tell him.

"Bella, I'm sorry-"

"No. Just…" I took a deep breath. I just wanted him to listen; I just wanted him to understand. "Listen. I haven't seen my parents in twenty years because they can't see me like this. They have no idea that they are grandparents to the most wonderful girl in the world. They think I'm some wandering gypsy who is probably searching the world for her ex-boyfriend who left her. They think I don't care about them."

I had been lying to them for so long. I knew it was necessary, but I couldn't help regretting that. It wasn't because I was feeling guilty; it was because I didn't get the thing that I wanted to lie for.

"Bella, I'm sorry-" I saw his miscomprehension.

"No." I took another breath to steady the emotions I was feeling. I was near my breaking point and I was surprised I hadn't heard my voice crack more than it had already. "Edward, you don't get it. I don't care that I gave that all up. I got the most wonderful thing in the world for it, Renesmee, and I wouldn't change it, ever." I never regretted her and I would do it all over again for her; whether or not I survived.

"I always wanted this life, Edward. I knew it would be hard and I knew I'd have to give that stuff up, but I didn't get what I wanted by choosing it. The only reason I ever wanted to become a vampire, before her, was you. I wanted to spend my entire life, a thousand times over, with you. I got exactly what I wanted and something I didn't think to ask for, but I didn't get the reason I wanted it; I didn't get you."

There I said it. God, I wanted him back. Damnit.

"Bella…"

I walked closer to Edward. I wanted to press my hand to his cheek. I saw the pain in his eyes and I wanted to take it away so badly, but I couldn't. I left my hands at my side and looked into his eyes, thanking every force on this Earth that he couldn't hear my mind.

"I really want to…" I can't say it. I can't say it. "…Cry right now and not just because I didn't get what I wanted, but because you were too late. If you had found me while you were searching… I know I would have forgiven you and ran right into your arms."

If I could cry, the tears would drown me right at this moment. "But, you gave up on us, Edward." I took another unnecessary breath and blinked back the unshed tears. "And so did I. I held out hope for so long, but after so many years, my unbeating heart died, too. I'm sorry, Edward. I really am, but it's… it's just too late."

His face contorted into something that I thought I'd never see; raw pain. It was certainly something I never wanted to cause. I knew he was at a loss for words; that was a relief because so was I.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"Bella…" There was nothing either of us could say, we both knew it.

"I'm gonna go visit with everyone. I'll see you later, Edward."

I walked past him and opened the door. I looked back to his beautiful hair and body before walking out. I leaned against the opposite door from Edward's and fought to keep my body standing up straight. I wanted to cry more than any other time in my life; more than when I found out I was going to be a single mother, more than when I was being chased by James, more than when Edward left me. I couldn't control my emotions.

What did I just do?