Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the songs I make reference to. If I did own Twilight, this story would be sold in stores everywhere with less grammar/spelling mistakes and I'd be rich… Damn :(

If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we've both just moved on.
When people all stare,
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk.
Whenever I see you,
I'll swallow my pride, and bite my tongue.
Pretend I'm OK with it all,
Act like there's nothing wrong at all.

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry

If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we just grew apart.
What do I care,
If they believe me or not.
Whenever I feel,
Your memory is breaking my heart.
I'll pretend I'm OK with it all,
Act like there's nothing wrong.

Cry ~ Kelly Clarkson

BPOV

I stood there for several minutes against the door across from Edward's room. He hadn't made a noise since I shut the door. Unfortunately, I wasn't having the same success. I was futilely trying to calm down my unnecessary breathing. It was insane. I didn't even need to breathe, but here I was damn near hyperventilating.

I placed my hands over my silent heart, trying to breathe normally when the door behind me began to move backwards, ever so slowly. I turned in a flash to see who was witnessing my breakdown. Please don't be Renesmee. Please don't be Renesmee.

Jasper.

"Come on in, Bella." He smiled and opened the door wide enough that I could see Alice sitting on a couch off to the side of room. It was placed off to the side in front of a set of double doors; a closet no doubt.

I walked in till I was dead-center in the room; equally far away from Jasper as I was from Alice. Neither made a move to get closer. "So… how much did you hear?" I knew the answer, come on, we're all vampires now. I knew their limitations and this was hardly outside of them.

"Actually, we didn't hear." I looked to Alice. Oh, please. She saw the disbelief and started again. "Bella, can you hear Edward now?" I shook my head. "Well, trust me, he moving and talking to himself. If Esme hadn't put some extra 'insulation' in these walls and doors, we would all be going nuts."

What? "Huh?" I couldn't think of a better way to ask; my heart was still asking my brain what exactly I just did, and why.

"We're three couples and a distraught loner, we need the privacy. It took us far too long to figure that out." Jasper laughed at Alice's statement.

Okay, that made sense. Who really wants to hear Rose and Emmett during the night anyways; or whenever they're alone…

"But just because we didn't hear, doesn't mean we don't know. I felt all the emotions coming from the both of you and Alice saw it all, slightly before it happened."

Fan-freaking-tasic. I was quiet several moments before Jasper decided to move closer and start commenting on that particular conversation.

"Bella, I know you don't want to talk about it; I can feel that." I looked at him without agreeing, or disagreeing. "But you know we're here for you. I can feel everything you're feeling; that's why I finally decided to open the door. You're feeling guilty and remorseful and repentant, but you're also feeling love. You still love him." None of it was formed into questions; they didn't have to be. He could feel all of my emotions and I knew it was making him uncomfortable as well.

"I'm sorry, Jasper."

"Why in the world are you apologizing? I'm the one who needs to do that."

I stared at him blankly; I was completely unsure why he needed to apologize. He read my confusion, sighed and continued. "First, I need to apologize for that conversation. I may have heightened the emotions a bit. You felt everything on your own, but I made them more… intense. You two needed for those things to be in the open."

I felt a moment of anger, but it passed on my own motivations. It's true; I needed to say all the things that I had told Edward. I was never screaming at him. I never felt rage or anger; in fact I was rather calm while I told him about my 'issues.' "It's okay. You're right; there's nothing to forgive."

"Maybe. You seem to be stronger than my abilities." Huh? "You were keeping something from him, lying, and I tried to get you to reveal that, but you wouldn't." So he's the reason I wanted to tell Edward about the venom and wanting him back. Okay, now I was a bit mad.

"Don't do that again… please." I added the please because, again, I wasn't mad at Jasper. It wasn't his fault, but he still had a hand in it.

"I won't, but on to my next apology; I'm sorry for what I did on your birthday twenty-"

I interrupted him. "No. No, Jasper. That wasn't your fault. It was nobody's fault and I won't have you apologize for it." I'm sure he felt my conviction.

"Bella, we both know that my… attack set Edward's decision to leave. If I had had more control… we wouldn't have left, at least not then. We all would have found out that you were pregnant and it all would have been different. You and Edward would be together and we would have all watched Renesmee grow up. She would have known us for that last twenty years. Bella, you know it's true. I lost Edward for you and I lost the family for Renesmee."

I had just been thinking the same thing, but I blamed Edward. If he hadn't left, I would have figured it out and we all would have been together. How could I blame Edward and not blame Jasper? It was a double standard. Damn.

"Jasper; that was not your fault. I didn't blame you after it happened and I certainly didn't blame you when Edward left. Hell, I haven't blamed you once in the past twenty years and I never blamed you while it was happening. Believe me, I understand the thirst. I'm not going to accept your apology because it's not justified and as far as Renesmee is concerned; that's nothing as well. She would never blame you for something like that."

"You didn't tell her, did you?"

"No. There's no reason to." Jasper started to open his mouth, but I interrupted him. "Would you ever hurt her?" I knew the answer just as well as he did.

"No, of course not." He said it fiercely, protectively.

"See, then you don't owe me or her anything; not even an explanation. She loves the whole family, including you."

"But I'm the reason she hasn't had the family for twenty years."

"Don't even think about it, she'll tell you you're being ridiculous. She knows things happen and she knows better than anyone, aside from Alice, that things are meant to happen. There is no one to blame for this." Not even Edward. I resigned and Jasper nodded.

"I've missed you, Bella." Jasper walked over to me with his arms opened wide. I fell right into the embrace.

"I've missed you, too, Jazz."

He laughed in my ear. "You've never called me that before."

"Well, we've never talked like this before." I laughed too.

Alice had been silent during the entire exchange, probably sensing that Jasper needed to clear the air with me as well. I heard a low 'aww, brother and sister' from her direction and laughed in Jasper's ear again.

He pulled away. "Alright, let me go pull Edward out of his mood; make sure he doesn't plan a trip to Italy or anything. We'll be downstairs when you two are done talking." Jasper smiled to Alice and left the room. I had no idea why Edward would go to Italy, but if he wasn't going then it wasn't important.

I walked over to Alice and sat on the other side of the couch. She smiled; it was the 'you have some explaining to do' smile. I braced myself for the interrogation and nodded.

"So, what did you lie about, Bella?" Her tone was pleasant and it took me a few seconds to remember what exactly I was lying about. Oh… the venom. Yeah, I didn't want to disclose that information right now, especially with Edward in the house.

"I can't Alice. Just.., not now, okay?"

"Fine, we'll start with an easier topic." I nodded my appreciation. "Why did you use my venom?"

Seriously? Did she really just ask that? I couldn't help it. The reaction was just instinct. I started laughing hysterically. She just asked the same question twice and she had no idea. She thought it was an 'easier' topic. Good God was she wrong. I continued to laugh and Alice just stared at me. She went through several emotions and I was glad that Jasper had left the room; first she was confused, then frustrated, and then angry, seeing as I wasn't stopping in my laughing fit.

"Why the hell are you laughing?" She didn't scream, but her tone told me it was just the calm before the storm.

It took me a moment to regain my composure. "Because… it's the same topic." With that I laughed again.

It took her a few seconds to put it together. "You lied about using my venom?" The anger was gone; back to confusion.

I finally stopped laughing. This wasn't a laughing time, but laughter was helping me cope; although it was also making me look like a complete idiot. "Not exactly. Alice, you can't tell anyone, especially Edward." She nodded. "It's really complicated, but the short version is… I used both yours and Edward's."

"What?" She was completely motionless except for her eyes which were blinking with lightning speed.

"Okay, long version; after I found the venom I wasn't sure whose to use. I decided on yours, but I couldn't seem to put Edward's back. I 'logically'," like rational logic had a lot to do with it, "decided to keep two out in case I was in too bad of shape or something. I didn't know what to expect or if one would be enough. When I went into labor, I had Angela bring the two over. I never told her what they were or what to do. I passed out while Renesmee was coming out of my stomach and Angela injected one of the syringes into my leg out of panic. The fire woke me back up and as soon as she took Renesmee and left, I shot the other venom right into my heart. I didn't know whose it was at the time; all I could think was I needed to survive for Renesmee. I didn't know which was which till afterwards."

Alice was quiet as she processed my story, then she finally asked. "Whose venom went into your leg?"

I could tell it was a round-about question. She was just using deductive reasoning to see which venom went into my heart. "Yours. Yours went into my leg."

"So Edward's went into…" She didn't finish the statement.

"…my heart. Yeah." I looked down as the white carpeted floor.

"Why didn't you just say so? You were trying to survive."

"Because that's not how they'll see it. That's not how he'll see it. Everyone will think that it means something more that Edward's venom went straight into my heart. I mean, come on, you've got to see the metaphor there."

She nodded. "Yeah, but Bella, isn't it true? You do love him."

I sat there for several seconds, thinking of how to explain my own emotions; emotions that were confusing the hell out of me at the moment. "I do, God, of course I love him. But it's not the same as it was. I didn't do it on purpose. After it was done and I knew his venom was in me forever, not to mention, coursing through my heart, I was so angry. That's not why I kept his venom out."

"Then why?" It was an obvious question, but I didn't have an answer.

"I don't know. Honestly, for the past twenty years I have tried not to think about it. I pretty much convinced myself that it was only your venom that turned me." Alice placed her hand on my shoulder. "You want to know something?" I was trying to change the subject and whether she realized it or not, she smiled in encouragement. "Renesmee's middle name is Alice."

I didn't have time to react; Alice was across the couch hugging me for dear life, thanking me continuously. "Come on Alice, it was kind of a no-brainer. You helped me so much. She's alive because of you. Plus, you're my sister, I love you." I gripped her back. We were silently having a hugging war, testing my strength against hers.

***

We walked downstairs hand in hand. I'm pretty sure Alice thought I was gonna make a run for it when I saw the whole family and Edward with Renesmee.

As we walked into the kitchen, the vision in my head paled in comparison to what I saw. Renesmee was sitting at a large island in the middle of the kitchen; the island could have been a dining table for all the space it provided. She was seated on a barstool with Rosalie to her left and Emmett to her right. Edward had a hand on her shoulder while he stood behind her. Across from her, Esme and Jasper sat on matching barstools. I smiled despite myself.

She was happy. No, she was blissful. She was spending time with her Dad and family. That was all she ever wanted and now she had it. I didn't want to interrupt, but Alice pulled me along.

"Hi Mom. Hey Aunt Alice." She turned around to face me and I went to kiss her hair. I looked to Edward and he smiled weakly. Emmett stood up to give his seat, not that I needed it, and then leaned on the counter next to me.

Emmett smiled and looked to Esme as he spoke. "So Grandma is asking Nes here all about the different things she will eat and drink, along with anything else she would like to have here when she visits. Grandma's list is getting quite long." Emmett kept laughing, but no one else joined in. I was getting the feeling that he had been drilling this particular joke into the ground and everyone else was getting pretty tired of it.

"Esme, you don't have to do that." I looked to her and back to Renesmee. I knew it was just as much Esme's motherly pushing as it was Renesmee's spoiled side shining through. "She barely eats human food anyways and she doesn't need you to buy special things for her."

"Nonsense, she is my granddaughter and I will spoil her if I choose to." Everyone laughed and I just shook my head; there was no way I was winning this argument.

I looked to my watch, 7:14pm.

"Honey, we should probably get home, you have homework." I combed Renesmee's hair with my fingers and she began to frown.

"But, it'll take ten minutes for me to finish it. Can't we stay longer?" I was about to give in, it was her first time with the Cullens after all. I remembered what that was like.

Alice piped in then. "It's okay Renesmee, you need to get ahead in your school work because we're going shopping on Saturday and it'll be an all day experience. It's a girl's day. Right?" She looked to Rose and she nodded. "Right?" She looked to me; her glare started to become threatening.

"Fine, I'll go shopping." I huffed. It's not like I had a choice in the matter. Either I go or I stay at home all alone and risk a visit from Edward or one of his brothers. Alice had already threatened me upstairs declaring that if I didn't go she saw Edward coming over to talk followed by Emmett coming to tease me about being a vampire. I figured she was just trying to scare me, but knowing her she'd make it happen.

"Awesome, I can't wait!" Renesmee looked at me and had the biggest smile on her face so I smiled back.

"Come on, I'll drive you back home so Renesmee doesn't have to run." I nodded to Alice and got up to say my goodbyes.

I thanked Esme and hugged her along with Emmett and Jasper. I smiled at Rose and she smiled the most genuine smile back to me. There's a first. I walked towards the door where Edward had been holding it open. "Thanks Edward. I'll see you tomorrow." He nodded with a 'bye Bella.'

Renesmee gave him a hug and his whole body language changed. "I'll see you tomorrow, sweetie."

"Okay, Dad." Alice put her arm around her shoulders and ushered us to her Porsche.

"Come on, I need to pick out clothes for you two tomorrow. It'll be cloudy, but the whether won't be as cold." I smiled as sat in the passenger seat. She and Renesmee were going to drive me nuts on Saturday.

A/N: Okay, chapter twenty one, YAY! I think this will be the last chapter that is really sad for a while. I have a fun mall trip mapped out for the girls. There will be a lot of Alice/Renesmee and Bella/Rosalie in the upcoming chapters.

Now for those of you who are worried about Edward. Don't worry, he's fine. Jasper and him talked and he knows Bella needs time, but he did not hear anything Bella said to Alice about her feelings or the venom. Also, I put in the whole Italy thing as joke, one of my reviewers said he was probably planning a trip and I thought it was so funny I decided to write it in.

Anyways, good news/bad news time again. Good news for me: I got a temp (3 months) job and am moving in the next few weeks. Bad news for you: I probably will become a bit worse about updating. I'm still going to at least update once a week (hopefully twice a week and whenever I can).

As always, Read, Review, Comment!

~ kmwhyte