Warning: Contains non-sexual spanking. Don't like, don't read, don't flame.
Disclaimer: Do not own Twilight in any way shape or form.
A/N: Bella's common sense finally makes a comeback.
Thanks so much to those of you who faithfully review, I really appreciate your feedback!
Chapter 12: All Consuming Guilt
I groaned internally as I mentally beat myself black and blue. What the hell had I been thinking? I can't believe I behaved so disrespectfully with dad, or that I told him to fuck off.
My face turned beet red at the memory. The look on his face had been utter shock, which was exactly what I had been feeling at that moment. His face had then closed off briefly before he glared at me and asked me to repeat what I said. Whatever demon had possessed me had immediately vanished at that point as my sense of self preservation came back in. I could immediately tell that I had crossed some invisible line and that I was going to seriously regret it.
Well, as I sit here trying my best not to squirm, I can definitely say that I do regret it. I've never felt so ashamed of myself than right now. These past couple of days my dad has been nothing but kind and understanding with me. He's only been looking out for my well being, and I've been fighting him at every turn.
It's because he's so interfering, a part of me argued. He's only interfering because you obviously haven't been doing a good job of taking care of yourself, another part of me responded.
I moaned softly while trying my best not to squirm. I could feel Carlisle's eyes boring into me, and I had no doubt he would go through with his threat, so I was doing my best to sit still; but with my ass on fire I was finding that a really difficult task.
What is wrong with me, I thought exasperatedly. I'm like an emotional rollercoaster. Happy and content one minute, depressed the next, and raging mad the minute after that. It's a wonder Dad hadn't decided to lay into me earlier than now.
I bowed my head, wishing I could apologize to him and tell him how much I appreciate everything he's been doing for me. He's been wonderful and helped me overcome so many of my fears and doubts.
Well, I thought, shaking my head, if I want to show him how sorry I am then I better start thinking on what he told me to. He wants me to tell him everything I've been doing wrong over the past few weeks.
I slowly began to think back, and quickly came to the conclusion that my father had been right about one thing. I had been extremely reckless when deciding to run away. It's a wonder I wasn't killed… I would have, I suddenly thought in growing horror, if it hadn't been for Dad. I had been so preoccupied with these conversations these past few days that I hadn't thought much about that night at all, and today I had been so upset at the thought of being spanked that I hadn't really listened to what my dad had been saying.
God, I am so stupid! If Dad hadn't decided to come after me, that car would have ploughed right through me, killing me instantly. Charlie would have been devastated, and Edward- I shuddered- I didn't even want to think about the pain he would go through. Not only Edward, but my entire vampire family would have been heartbroken, I thought guiltily. And Dad would have blamed himself for not saving me, and Edward would have blamed himself for having left in the first place.
Thinking about all this made me feel even guiltier, as I thought about what everyone, especially Edward would think about the fact that I had been running away. God, how selfish could I be, I thought mournfully.
I began to cry as the guilt consumed me, and as I imagined the scare I must have put Dad through, and the pain Edward would feel when he finds out what happened. How could I have let things get so bad? Why didn't I bother to think before I acted? The more I thought, the more upset I became, until I was openly sobbing into my hands.
Dad has all the right in the world to be furious with me. I must have come off like some little spoiled brat when I was arguing with him. What must he think of me now?
My mind quickly began to race at this point, coming to several realizations at once. I should have confided in Edward; I should have trusted him with my problems. He must be so hurt by my lack of trust in him. I should have taken better care of myself; I shouldn't have let my health deteriorate to the point where I was passing out unexpectedly. And most importantly, I should have thought things out before recklessly trying to run away, especially when I knew that it would only make things worse. I would have come back anyways because I wouldn't have been able to stand being away from Edward, or my family.
My sobbing increased the more and more I thought. I wrapped my arms around myself and leaned my head into the corner, trying to comfort myself and was startled when I felt myself being picked up and carried.
"Shhh honey, shhh. You're alright now. Everything is OK", my dad murmured to me as he rocked me back and forth. I latched onto him tightly as he sat down, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt and burying my head into his chest.
"I'm sorry!" I sobbed to him. "I-I was st-stupid, y-y-you were r-right, and I-I-I'm sorry!" I cried.
"Shhh baby girl, I know you are. I know you're sorry", he told me, trying to calm me. He continued to rock me and whisper soothing words to me, and tell me how much he loved me as I started to slowly calm down.
Once my cries had stopped, I kept my head buried in my dad's shirt breathing in his calming scent. I felt so tired, physically and emotionally, and sleep was starting to sound like a really good idea. However, it seemed my father had other ideas.
He gently pulled me away so he could look at my face. He wiped the stray tears off my face before placing a kiss on top of my head. Helping me sit up, he then looked at me concernedly before taking a deep breath.
"I know you are tired sweetheart, but you need to get whatever is bothering you off your chest now. I would love to wait for tomorrow, but I am afraid you will not want to be as forthcoming", he told me, causing me to blush. He means he's afraid I'll lose my temper again, I thought ashamedly.
"Were you thinking about what I told you to?" he asked me.
"Yes", I answered softly.
"And?" he prompted me.
"I messed up real bad", I told him tearfully while looking him in the face.
He stroked my cheek gently, while looking at me sympathetically. "How so?" he asked.
"I should've talked to Edward or told somebody about my nightmares. I never should've let it get this bad. I should've taken better care of myself." I shook my head in exasperation with myself. "Edward must be so hurt by my lack of trust in him and so worried about my health. I never should have lied to him. A-And I never should have run away! That was the stupidest idea ever", I exclaimed burying my head into my hands.
"I almost died", I whispered softly and painfully. Looking up at my father I saw him stiffen and could see the pain in his eyes, making me feel even guiltier. "I'm so sorry Daddy", I told him, grabbing one of his hands for comfort. "If you hadn't come after me, I don't- I wouldn't", but I couldn't finish the statement because he had abruptly pulled me into his arms once more, burying his head in my hair, while breathing deeply.
I could feel him shaking slightly, so I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could trying my best to comfort him. His pain and hurt at the thought of my death tore at my heart, and I began to cry as I felt his venom tears falling onto my hair. "I'm so sorry Daddy, please don't cry", I sobbed to him. "I'm fine, I'm alive, and I swear I won't ever do something like that again", I said to him. His arms tightened their hold on me before he slowly calmed himself down and let go of me.
I remained silent as I watched him close his eyes and pinch the bridge of his nose before wiping at his face. When he opened his eyes to look at me, I lowered my gaze, too ashamed with myself to look him in the eye.
"Bella, look at me please", he said hoarsely. I looked up at him and he gazed at me lovingly.
Looking me square in the eye her said, "Bella, sweetie, I want you to listen to me very closely and without interruption." I nodded at him to show that I understood, while apprehensively wondering what it was he wanted to say.
"Everything you said to me was correct", he said in an abrupt manner. "You should have spoken to someone about these nightmares. I don't care who, but you should not have kept this all to yourself, especially when you realized the negative effect it was having on your health", he chided me. "On the topic of your health, this is the last time you will allow it to deteriorate so. You have a habit of not taking care of yourself when under stress and that stops now. The next time something is bothering you so intensely, you talk to someone, and if that person can't help you then you find someone that can. Am I clear?" he asked, while gazing at me sternly.
"Yes sir", I answered abruptly and honestly. I now had an entire family to turn to for help, so there would be no reason for me to deal with things on my own.
"This brings us now to your running away", he then said tiredly, while rubbing a hand over his face.
My heart began to pound and I winced slightly while shifting on the couch. My bottom was still throbbing like mad so I decided stand up to alleviate the pain. Carlisle quit rubbing his face and looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
I blushed deeply before replying. "Um, I-I'm still sore from e-earlier", I stammered in extreme embarrassment while trying to rub out some of the sting. He gave me a sad smile before motioning for me to sit.
"Daaaaad", I whined, stopping when he gave me a look.
"Sit Bella, and let this be a lesson to watch one's temper in the future, no?" he asked while giving me a stern look. Blushing even more, I nodded before sitting down with a wince.
My father gazed at me for a bit as I squirmed and fidgeted. I really wished he would speak because he always makes me so nervous when he just stares at me.
"Over the past year", he began, "I have noticed that you care very little about your life Bella". Shocked, I opened my mouth to protest, but was once again silenced by a look.
"You rush head long into danger without a thought to your own well being. You are reckless Bella", he told me, leaning forward to convey the seriousness of what he was saying. "You do not think before you act and it is by sheer miracle that you are alive today. These past few days have revealed this to me more than ever. You have given no care to your own health, and several times you have said and insinuated that you believe things would be better with you dead!" he exclaimed, startling me.
I was startled because what he said was true and because I was not used to seeing Carlisle so emotional. I could see love, hurt, anger, concern, and fear in his eyes. Fear for what reason, I did not know, but I quickly found out.
Taking my hands into his, he scooted even closer to me and stared at me more seriously than I had ever seen before. "Bella, sweetheart, I want to know if you have ever considered suicide" he asked me softly.
I stared at him, shocked by the question. "N-No, of course not!" I quickly answered. He continued to gaze at me intently before asking, "Is that the truth Bella? Think carefully."
"Dad, no, I have never considered suicide, I mean it!" I told him emphatically. It may have crossed my mind at times when Edward was gone, but I had never seriously considered it. I could've never done that to Charlie or Jacob.
"Not even when you jumped off that cliff?" he asked, once more catching me off guard.
I stared at him with wide eyes before shaking my head. I never really stopped to consider what my cliff-jumping stunt must have looked like to my family. Now remembering that that was how Mom had committed suicide, I could see how he could come to that conclusion. "I-I didn't jump off that cliff to kill myself. I just-I didn't expect-I didn't really think the water current would be so strong…" I trailed off, realizing that this was another instance of me being reckless.
He continued to stare at me, and I could see a hint of disbelief in his eyes. "Why don't you believe me?" I asked, hurt by his mistrust.
Dad sighed before looking at me sadly. "Bella, you yourself have said in these past few days that you believe things would be better off with you dead. Your reckless actions have almost lead to your death multiple times. What am I supposed to think?" he asked me exasperatedly.
This time it was me who leaned forward. Grabbing one of his sleeves, I said, "Dad, I swear- no I promise that I have never and will never consider suicide. What I said about things being better if I was dead was stupid and thoughtless. I know better now, and I know that if anything happened to me you guys would be devastated and I couldn't put you through that kind of pain," I told him, urging him to believe me.
Once more my father pierced through me with his gaze before smiling softly and pulling me into a hug. When I went to pull away though, he grabbed my chin and pulled my face close to his. His face and voice were as serious and as stern as ever as he began to speak. "I believe you Bella, but" and he paused to assure I was listening, "if you ever even think of trying to kill yourself I will introduce you to my belt and I promise you that will not recover quickly, vampire or not", he threatened. He paused once more as I stared at him with wide eyes.
"Is that understood, young lady?" he asked. "Yes sir!" I immediately responded, nodding my head as best as I could. There was no way in hell I was ever going to try and kill myself. Not that I had any intention of doing so, but if the thought ever did enter my mind I would be sure to banish it as quickly as possible.
"Good", he responded softly, stroking my cheek gently before releasing his hold on my chin. Gazing at me compassionately, he smiled, causing my hammering heart to slow down. "I apologize for frightening you sweetie, but the thought of you dying scares me", he admitted.
"I'm sorry for scaring you Dad", I told him quietly.
"I know you are Bella", he responded, brushing a few strands of hair out of my face.
"But it still doesn't change anything", I responded despondently, causing him to gaze at me sadly.
"No, I'm afraid it doesn't", he replied before taking a deep breath. "This is not the first time we have discussed your recklessness Isabella", he told me simply.
I swallowed nervously, while nodding my head at him. No, this wasn't the first time we'd had such a discussion. I remember very clearly my first two spankings from him. I endangered my life by acting recklessly at a college party and then tried to run away from my punishment. It seemed I wasn't very good at learning my lesson. This did not bode well for me at all.
"It has to stop and it has to stop now Bella. You need to learn to think before you act. Your life is extremely precious and you must treat it as such. No more running headlong into danger or risking your life needlessly. I do not say this only because you are human Bella, because I would say the same to any of my other children. Once you become a vampire these same rules will still apply to you. Though it will be more difficult for harm to come to you, it is not impossible", he lectured me.
"So I will become a vampire?" I asked him abruptly, catching him off guard.
He stared at me with a furrowed brow and his head cocked to the side. "Have you and Edward not discussed this?" he asked curiously.
"Sort of," I replied. "We've been kind of preoccupied with my nightmares as of late. I mean he did say he would change me, but I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not. I've been afraid he's just going to change his mind", I admitted softly.
He looked thoughtfully at me before asking me a question. "Bella, why do you want to become a vampire?"
I looked at him incredulously. He must know the answer. "To be with Edward and with you guys forever," I responded simply. Saying it out loud sounded kind of corny, but it was the truth. "I love Edward, and the thought of growing old and dying, and leaving him kills me. We already know we can't live without each other, so I would never want to put Edward through that pain." Looking at my father, I continued, "I would never want to put you or Mom or any of the others through that pain. If I stayed human, dying would be inevitable. If I become a vampire, then the problem is solved, and I can be with Edward and with my family for all eternity."
Dad gave me a gentle smile. "It is not an easy life Bella, but I am sure you have realized that by now". I nodded my head at him.
"While I find your reasoning is valid I just want to make sure this is what you truly want Bella. Do not make this decision for anyone else because there is no going back. By becoming a vampire you will lose your human friends and family, and possibly Jacob as well", he gently explained to me.
My heart clenched at the pain Charlie and Renee would experience at thinking I was dead, and at the thought of one day never being able to see them again. Jacob would know what had happened, but would he still want to be my friend? Or would he see me as only his enemy? Pain tore through me at the thought. However, what I gained would be more than worth it, I reassured myself.
"Even if you were to stay human Bella", he continued, "know that we would always consider you part of this family. Human or vampire, we will always be there for you. You are my daughter and nothing will ever change that. Also know that we would never think any less of you for doing so", he said sincerely. I couldn't help but be touched. I had never expected that they would stay with me if I remained human. However, that did not change my decision.
"I know what I want Dad", I told him assuredly. "I want to become a vampire". These past few days had further cemented my want for this new life. Having learned that I was not at fault for all the bad things that had happened and knowing that I had a family that would always be there for me had pushed away any lingering doubts I had had about becoming a vampire. I was ready to start my new life.
Dad nodded his head at me. "Very well Bella, then I will make you a promise. If Edward ever changes his mind, which I doubt, I will change you myself", he promised me. I smiled gratefully at him.
"I want you to understand though, Bella, that Edward deciding not to change you would not be because he does not love or care about you", he explained to which I nodded my head. "I know", I responded quietly. Edward and I had discussed this before. He was afraid of me losing my soul, but I knew for a fact that I wouldn't. How he could consider himself or Mom and Dad soulless was beyond me.
He smiled back before changing topics. "Bella, when Edward comes back I think the two of you need to have a serious conversation about being trusting and honest with each other. A relationship will go nowhere without those components, and I do not want to see you two hurt each other anymore with secrets or lies", my father said.
I lowered my head in shame before voicing my agreement. Edward and I did have a problem with keeping things from each other, and it would be best if we cleared the air between us. However, I have to admit I was a bit afraid to how he would react after hearing about the nightmares and my latest stunt. He would probably be furious, I thought fretfully.
"What is it Bella?" Dad asked concernedly.
"Do you think Edward will ever forgive me for not telling him about my nightmares? Or-or for…" I trailed off uncertainly.
"Oh Bella", he responded somewhat exasperatedly. "Of course he will forgive you. He may be a bit angry and hurt, but those feelings will fade. Edward loves you dearly and nothing you ever do would make him hate you", he said kindly.
I sighed in relief, my heart unclenching at the thought. No one knew Edward better than Carlisle, so if he said Edward would forgive me, then it must be true.
"Bella", he then said, tapping my chin so that I was looking at him. "As important as these last two topics have been, I do believe we have sidetracked long enough".
I grimaced before sighing. Damn, I was hoping he would just forget. Looking into his stern eyes, I couldn't help but swallow nervously.
"As I have told you on countless occasions Bella, you mean the world to this family. Every single member would be devastated if anything were to happen to you. You have got to learn to use your head sweetheart. You are an intelligent young lady, so I know you are capable of thinking things through. So, I repeat myself when I say this stops now. Never again are you to behave so recklessly Bella, do you understand me?" he asked sternly.
"Yes Dad, I promise", I assured him. I never wanted to put my dad or anyone through so much pain again.
"I will hold you to that promise Bella", he warned me. Swallowing, I nodded my head at him, hoping to God I never broke it. I didn't need to ask what the consequences would be because I knew they would be really bad. He'd probably use the belt and that was something I wanted to avoid at all costs. Edward had been spanked with the belt for his Italy stunt and he'd said the pain was horrible. Every movement had seemed to hurt him, and it was over a week before he was rid of all the discomfort. No, I definitely did not want to experience that.
"Good, then I believe it is time for dinner", he said standing up abruptly.
I immediately stood up, glad to get off my aching behind. However, I was startled that he hadn't told me what my punishment was going to be for my running away. I knew it was going to be a spanking, but I wondered if he was going to add anything else. As he began to head to the kitchen, I thought of asking but abruptly changed my mind. If he wasn't going to bring it up, then maybe he had changed his mind. I certainly wasn't going to remind him.
Dinner was a quiet affair, as I ate the chicken noodle soup he gave me (standing up I might add) without complaint. I felt I had pushed my father enough for one lifetime, and that complaining about not being hungry would only end up pissing him off. I watched him throughout my meal, noting how tired he looked' as if that were even possible for a vampire. He was sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, sometimes massaging his temples. I felt an upwelling of guilt flow through me at the sight. This was all my doing. He looked so stressed, and it was all because of me and my stupid issues, I thought mournfully.
Pushing my finished plate away, I made my way over to him.
"Dad", I called out quietly after he didn't appear to notice my arrival. As though waking from a trance, he abruptly looked over at me, looking somewhat surprised to see me standing right next to him.
"What is it sweetheart? Have you finished eating?" he asked kindly. I frowned in concern, both at the fact that he didn't hear me approach and at his pitch black eyes. Had they been like that earlier today I thought. Yes, a small voice answered; they've been like that since your almost accident.
Noting my frown, Dad mirrored my expression asking me if I was alright.
I nodded my head before saying, "You need to hunt Dad. Your eyes are pitch black". Not to mention you look exhausted, which shouldn't even be possible for a vampire.
He blinked owlishly at me before shaking his head with a smile. "I am fine Bella, do not worry. I will hunt once everyone has returned at the end of the week", he responded.
I continued to frown, while shaking my head slightly. "Dad, you don't need to suffer because of me. Really, you look like the walking dead, no pun intended", I told him bluntly.
He chuckled softly at my statement causing me to openly glare at him. This is not funny, I thought angrily. Noting my glare he immediately schooled his expression into an apologetic one. "I'm sorry Bella, I do not mean to laugh at your concern, but as I said before I am fine", he told me firmly.
Not buying it for a second, I crossed my arms and with a stern expression on my face I said, "Now who's not taking care of themselves properly? You're making sure I eat to stay healthy, so I'm going to make sure you eat as well. So, go hunt", I told him while pointing towards the front door.
I watched as the amusement left his eyes and he stared at me with an unreadable expression. Losing my glare, I began to fidget nervously, thinking I may have crossed a line again. I wasn't going to apologize though because he really did look like he needed a hunt.
He continued to stare at me, and right when I was beginning to find the silence unbearable he stood up and pulled me into a hug. I immediately relaxed into his embrace, before he pulled away from me and gave me a brilliant smile.
Taking me by the shoulders, he leaned down so he was eye level with me. "You are absolutely right Bella. I am in need of a hunt and it would be highly irresponsible of me to put it off." I smiled back at him in relief because he was going to hunt and because I wasn't in trouble.
Giving me a kiss and a pat on the cheek he let go of me and stood up straight. Still looking at me, he said, "I will go now then, if that is alright with you".
I immediately acquiesced.
"Very well, I won't go very far, and I will be gone two hours at the most. I will have my cell phone on me and you are free to call me for any reason. I also want you to have your cell phone on you in case I need to call you", he informed me.
I nodded my head, smiling at his over protectiveness. He can be such a mother hen, I thought affectionately. "I got it Dad; you don't need to worry so much. You'll only be gone two hours. I'll be perfectly fine", I assured him.
My father looked at me seriously and responded, "You are not to leave this house Bella, not even if it is just to walk to your car and back, understood?" he asked.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and nodded to him that I understood. No way was I going to break that rule again.
"OK", he said, still looking unsure. "Are you sure it is alright if I go Bella? We have covered a lot of emotional topics recently and I do not feel entirely comfortable leaving you alone", he explained.
I smiled, touched by his concern. "I'll be fine Dad, I swear. Now quit stalling and go", I said with a laugh, pushing him towards the door.
He laughed in response before saying, "One would think you didn't want me around", he said with mock hurt.
"Nope", I replied with a laugh, causing him to huff.
"No respect", he grumbled to himself. Looking at me, he then said, "Alright, I'm going, so behave yourself". When I nodded exasperatedly, he disappeared.
A/N: So, Bella finally starts to think rationally, realizing how utterly stupid she's been acting. What'd you think of Carlisle crying over the thought of a dead Bella? I thought it was way sad, but way cute at the same time. Hope you liked! PLEASE REVIEW!