"You are late" she heard her mother's voice over the telephone.
She maneuvered on the crowded New York city sidewalk as she clutched the cell phone to her ear.
"I'm two minutes away, mom" she sighed, quickening her steps.
"I journey into the big, bad city, defying the forces..." Lorelai's dramatic speech rang in her ear.
"Mom, it's a two hour drive, you love New York" she broke her off.
"I agree to spend my time shopping" Lorelai went on, undisturbed.
"Oh the dread" she played along, rolling her eyes.
"And you can't show up on time" she continued.
Rory sighed again, looking around as she entered the department store. She scanned the busy interior, squinting lightly to adjust to the fluorescent lighting of the store.
"Where are you anyways?" she asked, not able to spot her mother.
"I've left, gone back to Connecticut, crying my eyes out at the neglect" she heard Lorelai's voice from behind her.
She shut her phone, rolling her eyes again as she turned around.
"Dramatic much?" she asked as Lorelai stepped up to her.
"Only as much as needed" she quipped.
Rory smiled at her, tucking her hands self consciously into her pocket as her mother came to stop in front of her.
"I am picturing a fluffy, pink dress" Lorelai said dreamily, her eyes unfocused and sparkling.
"Okay, definitely for Halloween" she chuckled "as for my book launch party..."
"Oh come on!" Lorelai insisted "It would be so Sex and the City."
"And that would be good, because...?" she murmured.
"Live a little" Lorelai shrugged as she linked her arm into her daughters, leading her toward the back of the store.
"I was thinking something a bit more sophisticated" Rory said.
"Bright green then?" Lorelai replied.
"With purple dots" Rory agreed, without missing a beat.
"Well, purple dots are very in this season" Lorelai nodded.
"Good to know" Rory mused.
"Oh wow, look at that" her mother motioned to the racks of dresses as they arrived at their destination.
"This is going to be so much fun" Lorelai let go of her, venturing into the isle ahead of her.
"Yeah" Rory sighed, her finger absent mindedly running over the hard stone of her ring inside the confine of her pocket.
"What do you think of this one?" Lorelai pulled out a dress, holding it to her body as she spun around to see herself in the mirror close by.
"Is that for you or for me?" Rory raised an eyebrow.
Lorelai giggled in response and Rory just rolled her eyes again.
"Well, I am the mother of the very talented author" Lorelai informed her.
"Ah, I see" she nodded "in that case, that dress is very much called for" she smiled, her hand reaching out to gently run along the smooth silk fabric of the dress.
"Oh my god" Lorelai exclaimed and Rory froze, knowing at once her mother spotted the ring.
Lorelai caught her hand, pulling it close to her face.
"Which African country produced this?" she asked baffled.
Rory sighed, gearing herself for the upcoming conversation.
"Who is this from?" Lorelai asked and Rory couldn't help the chuckle.
"Uhm... is this a tricky question?" she asked, yanking her hand away from Lorelai's prying hands.
Her mother stared at her, her face showing no sign of humour.
"Well who knows with your track record" Lorelai pointed out.
Rory furrowed her brows, slightly annoyed.
"Look who's talking" she said, her tone pointed and Lorelai mock gasped in response.
"So not the point!" she shot at her and they both laughed.
"He... asked you? Again?" Lorelai asked, her voice careful and her eyes worried.
Rory couldn't help the smile forming on her lips as she looked down onto the ring.
"Well... something like that..." she murmured.
Truth was, it wasn't the conventional proposal. It wasn't even a proposal to be exact.
Proposals were romantic and naive and hopeful. This was anything but. They were past romantic and way past naive. And she was sure as hell past hope. She was certain, she was sure. She felt safe and ready and committed. The knowledge slowly spread through her, embedding her every cell with certainty and faith. She didn't need proposals, she didn't need silly gestures and boys bended on one knee. She didn't need promises, but she needed the knowledge that you could redeem yourself. That you could get past insecurities and grief and guilt and uncertainty and learn and grow and move forward.
"And you're... okay?" Lorelai asked, uncertain, pulling Rory back from her thoughts.
She looked up, her eyes blinking a couple of times.
"Yeah" she said, convinced "Of course... I practically forced him to give it back to me" she blushed, running a finger over the delicate piece of jewelry.
"Wow" her mother said, her eyes slightly misty as she stepped closer to her.
She looked up at her mother, searching her face. She saw a sea of emotions, not at all unfamiliar in her eyes. Pride. Joy. Relief. Guilt. Nostalgia.
"I know" she whispered, smiling at her.
"You are really sure" Lorelai said, her voice echoing with pride.
Rory nodded, her smile once again spreading.
"I... I really am. I want this. I want him" she whispered, her voice heavy with emotion.
"I'm so happy for you, kiddo" her mother said, pulling her into a hug.
"Really?" she asked, not completely convinced.
Her mother pulled back to be able to look at her.
"He is a really great guy" she said, her face serious and Rory felt a shiver run down her spine hearing the conviction in her voice "and you are so lucky to have each other."
"Thanks" she mouthed, blinking a couple of times to get her emotions under check.
"Oh my god" Lorelai deadpanned "your grandmother is going to go berserk" she chuckled.
Rory groaned, turning to look at the dresses.
"Please don't mention it to her. I don't want her planing just yet. I can only concentrate on one major even at a time" she sighed, already overwhelmed by the thought of having Emily Gilmore plan a wedding.
"Wow" she heard her mother in amazement and she turned to see her stare at her in wonder.
"You've got everything going for you, kid" Lorelai smiled, looking at her with the quite pride that made Rory blush after all these years. She sighed, feeling uneasy at the declaration, but happy, realizing that her mother, for once was supporting her, supporting all of her in a matter of the heart.
"I don't know" she murmured "I wish we'd be over this launch thing... I don't know why Jess thought this would be a good idea."
"Speaking of" Lorelai's voice turned curious.
"Does he know?" she asked.
Rory shrugged, pretending to be occupied with the label of a long black dress.
"I'm presuming you are referring to Jess" she sighed.
Lorelai just continued to look at her expectantly.
"I... no... I mean not of this time" she mumbled, furrowing her brows as she asked herself how the conversation shifted.
"He knows about last time?" Lorelai asked, confused.
Rory sighed, closing her eyes as she felt itching to drop the subject. Lorelai really was like a bulldog when she latched onto a theme.
"Yeah... I mentioned it... last year." she mumbled.
She heard the heavy silence from the direction of her mother and even without looking at her, she knew that Lorelai was putting two and two together.
"You went to see Jess last year... when you..." she asked, not bothering to finish the question.
"Yeah" Rory replied, not wanting to elaborate.
"Wow" Lorelai deadpanned.
"You never told me about this" she said quietly.
"Yeah, well" she shrugged, moving onto the next row of dresses.
She could sense her mother following her.
"Did anything happen?" she heard the careful question and she felt annoyance as she sighed, wondering how they ever got to this point in the conversation.
She took a deep breath, before turning to her.
"No. It was just good to see a friend who wasn't asking questions" she said and her mother nodded, her face not quite showing belief.
"So you just went there and told him you just left your boyfriend of three years, a day after he proposed and you said yes" she stated calmly.
"Yeah, pretty much" Rory answered uneasily.
"And he said... 'good for you'?" Lorelai probed.
"No, I think the exact words were You wanna get a beer then?" she retorted, her words cynical.
Her mother looked at her arching an eyebrow.
"And you just hung out for a couple of days?" she finally asked.
Rory sighed again, feeling bothered by the scrutiny.
"Why is this important?" she asked, annoyed.
"It's not, I'm just curious" she shrugged "I mean, I don't really know what the dynamic is between you two nowadays."
"We are friends" Rory sighed.
"And he won't mind you getting married to Tristan" she asked.
"What do I care if he minds?" Rory shot at her, her voice showing her anger.
Lorelai nodded.
"So you think he might?" Lorelai asked.
"God mom" Rory groaned "I don't know."
"Hmmm" Lorelai hummed.
"What is 'hmmm' supposed to mean?" Rory asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Nothing, it's just I never thought he was ever really over you" Lorelai said, her voice calm despite the weary meaning of her words.
Rory's heart sank as she registered the sentence, her eyes dropping to the chiffon dress hanging in front of her.
"I always just got the sense he was waiting around for you to finally forgive him and give him another chance" Lorelai said.
Rory set her jaw, her breathing becoming ragged as she squinted angrily at the green dress.
"Why are you telling me this?" she asked through gritted teeth.
"I am having a conversation with you" Lorelai replied, her voice defensive.
"Are you saying he is doing this just to get me back?" she asked, not bothering to hide the anger in her voice.
"No" Lorelai looked up, astonished "No, Rory, I know he's not, this book is amazing."
"But he still has a hidden agenda" Rory said, cynically.
Lorelai sighed.
"Rory, I am just worried for you and Tristan. You two have been through so much" she said, her voice soft, pleading.
"And you think what? That Jess is going to come and try to ruin that?" she asked incredulous.
"No... I don't think he would do that on purpose..." Lorelai said.
"But you are worried that them meeting might do that nevertheless..." Rory said.
"I don't know... I'm just..." Lorelai groaned.
"Worried. Right" Rory finished for her.
The ring of her phone broke their tension filled silence.
She turned around distracted, fishing the small silver phone out of her pocket.
She looked at the screen astonished.
Speak of the devil.
She flipped the phone open, glancing at her mother as she greeted the caller.
"Hey Jess."
Lorelai's carefully controlled face showed no reaction and she turned slowly, giving Rory some space as she occupied herself with the dresses on the rack.
"Hey Ror. How are you?" Jess' voice was distant and she took a couple of steps towards the large windows to get better reception.
"Fine" she said curtly, sighing to try to forget the conversation that she just had with her mother.
"I read a review that's coming out next week... they love this Rory, it's going to go well. Emma is really psyched about the launch, she says the venue is great and the feedback has been excellent. I think it's all going to go well."
"Yeah? You wanna do the dress shopping instead of me?"
He chuckled.
"I'm sure you're going to find a good one, Ror" he murmured, his voice so deep, it resonated through the quiet static of the phone.
"And that you are going to look good" he added, his voice unsure.
She suddenly felt nervous, not quite knowing how to place that uncertainty in his tone.
"Well, you'll get to see" she carefully said, waiting for conformation.
There was a heavy silence on the other end of the line before he spoke and her heartbeat sped up with the growing concern inside her.
"Look, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it" he said, his words fast, determined, as if he'd practiced them.
She felt the rejection regurgitate in her throat and she took a silent breath before gathering all her might to produce a quiet "Oh".
"There is a writer down in Florida that we are really psyched about and he's been approached by several outlets and we thought it would be more convincing to show up there in person, show him our drill, you know" he was rambling now, his words frantic, very uncharacteristic for Jess.
"Right... of course" she mumbled, scrunching her forehead in concentration.
"But I'm gonna try to be back by Friday, and we'll see, okay?" he said, and she could tell he was trying to sound reassuring and less guilty.
"Okay" she replied.
"I'll talk to you later" he said, seemingly itching to get off the phone.
She obliged, resisting the urge to grill him, to demand an explanation, to force him to explain to her, why he, the biggest supporter of her work would abandon her on the night when she would need support the most.
She mumbled a goodbye and shut the phone, staring out the window distracted.
Her mind was reeling, trying to find the explanation behind his actions. Everything has a reasonable explanation.
Was he so annoyed by the whole hoopla? When it was him in the first place who suggested the idea of a launch? Or was he just not comfortable spending so much time with her and Tristan? Like the time he declined to stay at the apartment for the night.
She suddenly felt silly, having expected him to smile and nod and be there for her despite everything. She felt another wave of long suppressed guilt and she sighed, closing her eyes to steady herself.
"Everything okay?" she heard her mother's voice and she turned around, forcing a smile upon her face.
"Yeah" she lied, avoiding her mother's gaze as she stepped back towards the dresses.
"You sure?" Lorelai asked unconvinced.
"Of course. How do you like this one?" she picked up the green dress from before, holding it to herself as she studied the delicate structure of the dress.
"Looks perfect" her mother said quietly, with the understanding that only mothers could show.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
She sat on the bed in the dimly lit bedroom, staring at the the dress hanging on the closet door. She couldn't tell how long she'd been sitting there, but she was sure she could replicate the dress with eyes closed, having studied the folds and straps vigorously for what seemed like an eternity. Her eyes studied the material, but her mind was elsewhere, jumping from thought to thought as she returned to the course of her conversation with Jess again and again.
She pictured the possible scenarios. All of which included the feelings of hurt, resentment, guilt and/or annoyance on Jess' part.
She wondered if she'd expected too much of him, put too much pressure on him, like she always did with everyone she loved and trusted, despite her will. She wondered if she was selfish and self centered and cruel.
Cruel.
That seemed to ring especially fitting in her mind's eye. It described her perfectly.
She shook her head gently, trying to rid herself of self loathing, but the thought was too entertaining, too enticing to discard.
She wondered if that was a pattern. That cruelty. She had a vague memory of Tristan's accusation of her being like her mother, and Lorelai was, for sure, cruel in certain aspects when it came to handling men. She thought about Max and her father and Luke and she thought about herself, seeing her mother's characteristics echo in her own actions with frightening similarity.
She wondered if there was a line of hurt souls that you could trace along America, that she had left behind in her own track. She wondered about Jess, dark and brooding in Philadelphia. She wondered about her mother's words and whether they were true, whether he still thought about her.
If she was honest with herself, she knew he did. He knew he would always and forever think about her, the one that got away, the one he was too young and reckless to appreciate, the one who he always navigated towards, if only with silent written words on pages read by those who could not trace the feelings.
She wondered about Dean, dear, sweet, poor Dean. She felt another rush of guilt that would always remain, no matter how far and distanced she would get, no matter how certainly she would lose track of the boy whose memory would forever be tainted in her mind. And she thought about Logan, blond and forever altered, and perhaps still bitter, somewhere in California.
She gripped the side of the mattress as her eyes once again focused on the dress.
Were these men forever tainted because of her? Was Dean forever carrying a scar that she caused and a scarlet letter that she helped saw on? Was Logan incapable of trust and still hurt, passively forcing his friends into silent comeradry?
She would never know for certain, but she was sure of the pang she felt, when she thought of them.
Jess was different. Despite the guilt, she still hoped, somewhere deep inside of her that she influenced him, that she helped transform him into the man he had become, a man so far from the reckless teenager that she was unable to control back in Stars Hollow. She saw the result of that change, though she could only imagine the immense and silent effort it took for it to occur without support and aide. And he had said himself, that she was part of the reason, even if she was unaware.
"It's a pretty dress" she heard Tristan's voice and she looked up startled, seeing him lean against the doorway as he watched her carefully.
"Hey, I didn't hear you come in" she mumbled, furrowing her brows in confusion.
"Yeah, you seamed pretty lost in thought" he smiled, walking up to the bed and slowly sitting down next to her.
He too looked at the green chiffon dress and they sat silently for a few moments.
She smiled as she too refocused on the dress, thankful for his ability to pick up and adjust to her mood effortlessly.
"Do you think it makes me look self centered?" she cocked her head to the side, amusing herself with the inside joke as Tristan looked at her confused.
"I don't know, why don't you try it on?" he asked, in mock seriousness.
"I'd rather not. I must have tried on a gazillion of them today" she said, falling back onto the bed as she sighed, staring at the ceiling.
She heard him chuckle as he joined her.
"Did Lorelai go a bit crazy?" he asked.
"I think 'a bit crazy' is the understatement of the century when it comes to my mother" she chuckled in response.
He agreed with a quiet murmur and she felt his fingers trace hers.
She closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of his skin. She wondered absent mindedly if that was the reason for him never being cold, the peculiar warmth of his skin. She turned to her side, snuggling closer into his hold.
"Let's get on a plane and run away" she murmured into the side of his neck.
His arm went around her, allowing her to move even closer as his other hand moved to her back, gently caressing her.
"Why do you want to run away?" he asked, his words quiet in the darkness of the room.
"We could go to some deserted island and not care about anyone or anything. We could lay on the beach all day and you could hunt and I could cook..." she ranted.
"You can't cook" he pointed out.
"You can't hunt. We'll learn" she retorted.
"Ah, I see" he replied.
"We could have sex all night long and scream as loud as we want" she went on, trying to be more convincing for him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, were you holding back?" he asked, his tone smug and she rolled her eyes, despite agreeing he had a point.
"We could have kids and teach them how to live off the land and sea and they would never know school or crowded cities or violence" she went on.
"Hmmm. A family of hedonist illiterates. How alluring" he mused.
"You are not getting on board with this, are you?" she asked annoyed.
"I don't know, tell me more about the loud sex" he replied and she chuckled.
There was a moment of silence and she felt him shift, slowly turning to face her.
"Rory" he called her name gently and she opened her eyes with a sigh.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his eyes concerned.
She looked at him, her heart beating in her throat and she suddenly felt like the air was not enough in the room, like she was choking, like she was approaching a fall, or the great tragedy in the roman, when everything slips apart by only the slightest of mistakes.
"I love you" she said, blinking fast to hold back the tears that were threatening.
"And that's wrong?" he chuckled, brushing a lock of stray hair away from her face.
"I just want it to stay like that. I want to stop time and stay like that and not want anything more" she said, her words frantic.
He furrowed his brows as he studied her face.
"You're afraid of wanting more?" he asked, his voice careful.
She looked at him confused, seeing the uncertainty flashing in his eyes and she suddenly felt nervous, realizing how this all must have sounded to him. She had a flashback of their conversation in her childhood room, when her mother locked them in and she thought about the rejected job and her quiting the Times.
"No" she shook her head "No. It's just that I wish things weren't so uncertain and hard to control" she desperately tried to explain.
"Rory" he called her name again and she sighed, a wave of calm washing over her as his voice penetrated her senses.
"That's just life. Okay? The whole uncertainty and the not knowing. That's the fun of it all" he said.
"It doesn't seem like fun right now" she murmured, her voice cracking.
"Baby, look at me" he said, his hands gently cupping her cheeks "What does it matter? What they think? Or what happens? How they react? How things are going to go at that stupid launch?" he asked and she looked at him astonished that he could read her so well, decipher her stupid fears even if he didn't know all the reasons.
"It doesn't. It doesn't matter at all. That party is not a fucking test. It's not a trial. It's you showing the world how proud you are of your words."
His words filled her, slowly and surely, her insides calming as she released a breath she was holding.
"And your life is you showing how proud you are of yourself" he went on, his words simple, conviction ringing in them.
"You make it sound so easy" she breathed and she did think that. Despite knowing nothing ever was, his grace, his certainty made life seem easy.
"Piece of cake" he shrugged.
She chuckled, once again snuggling closer to him. The warmth seemed to be a cure for every ill thought she ever had.
xxxxxxxx
She sipped her coffee as he came inside, securing his tie around his neck.
She sneaked a peak at him, her eyes taking in his form. He was fucking dashing in a suit. She chuckled and he looked up at her, his face curious.
"What?" he asked, smirking as he came closer, stealing her cup from her hands to take a quick sip of coffee.
"Hey!" she protested.
He snickered, placing a quick kiss on her lips to silence her.
"Gotta run, but it will only take a couple of hours. I'll call you in the afternoon and meet you at the place" he said quickly, already pulling away.
She sighed, the anxiety slowly seeping back into her as she felt his body heat leave hers and the thoughts of the launch returned to her brain.
"When is Jess arriving?" he asked her, already walking out of the kitchen.
"He's not coming" she said quietly, forcing her voice to be indifferent.
She turned towards the sink, dumping the rest of her coffee into it with a nervous hand and when she turned back, she found him staring at her with shock evident on his face.
"What?" he asked.
"He is busy, had something to do, some new client or I don't know" she shrugged, pleased with the indifference that rang in her voice.
Tristan stared at her, his jaw slowly clenching.
"It's fine" she said, dismissing the whole question.
He nodded slowly,but his brows furrowed.
She walked up to him, eager to dismiss the tension that settled in on them.
"It's fine" she repeated, feeling panic inside her chest "Like you said, it's nothing, not important. I'm going to go there, smile and drink champagne and answer questions and then we are coming home and we forget about this idiocy, okay?"
He looked at her, swallowing slowly before he nodded, his face not quite as convinced as she wished it would be.
"Okay" he said, kissing her slowly.
"I'll call you when I'm done" he repeated, his voice slightly distracted and she nodded with a forced smile as she watched him turn and walk towards the front door.