Chapter Three: Pleasure and Pain

It was Christmas break, and like so many years, Harry had remained at Hogwarts. He ordinarily would have spent it with the Weasley's, but for some reason he wanted to remain at Hogwarts this year. He would drop by later, but would not be spending the entire holiday with them. He needed time to think, granted, he'd been thinking about it for three months.

Not many people had remained this year, just a few students, no one in his year or Ginny's year, and even some of the teachers were gone. Severus Snape was still there, as was the Headmistress, and one or two other teachers. Severus, Harry thought to himself, mentally kicking himself for his recent habit of thinking of his Professor on a first name basis.

After their conversation at the beginning of the year, Harry had gotten hint after hint that Severus' comment about caring for him was more than he'd admitted. At first, Harry had assumed it was more of a paternal caring, because of how close Severus had been to Harry's mother, but when Harry had jokingly said "Okay, dad!" when Severus had reprimanded him one afternoon for purposely dumping a bowl of pudding on Ron's head, Severus had replied "I am no one's father, Mr. Potter, least of all yours." The tone had been sharp, as usual for the older man, but Harry had seen that same underlying look in his eyes that he'd seen coupled with shock when Harry had told him he was gay. Harry still wasn't quite sure what that look meant.

Harry turned the corner of a hall he'd been walking down and made his way into the bathroom. When he opened the door, he saw the last thing he'd expected – Severus Snape sitting on the bathroom floor with a more than half empty bottle of fire whiskey in his hand.

"Hi Harry!" Severus said with what might be constituted as a giggle.

Harry stared. The man was drunk off his ass. "Professor?"

Severus' smile faded. "I'm drunk."

Harry rolled his eyes. "I can see that," he said, walking over to the older man and grabbing his arm. "Come on, let's get you back to your quarters."

Severus made no move to get himself off the floor. "I don't feel like it. I'm so damn tired of pretending to be someone I'm not! If I want to be drunk, then I'm going to be drunk!"

Harry knew that if the Headmistress saw him like this, Severus would be in a lot of trouble. He had to get him back to his quarters. "Severus, come on, you can be drunk in your quarters."

Severus looked startled. "What did you call me?"

Harry clenched his teeth. Damn his private thoughts and where they always seemed to get him. "Up, Professor," Harry said, ignoring the question and pulling harder.

To Harry's surprise, he found he could lift his professor, but the standing position only lasted a few moments, and then they were both on the ground, limbs tangled. And more to Harry's surprise, he felt a lump growing on his thigh where Severus' pelvis was resting.

Oh, how he knew he shouldn't. He couldn't. It was wrong. The man was drunk. The man was his teacher. Harry's conscious pleaded with him for only a few more seconds, until Harry leaned forward and pressed his lips to Severus' gently. Severus didn't pull back, so Harry slowly took his tongue and moved to push open Severus' mouth. Severus resisted for a few seconds, but as Harry wrapped his arms around Severus' waist he gave in, and kissed Harry back.

Severus woke up, very stiff, with a very bad headache. It took him a moment to realize he was lying on the floor his own cloak serving as a pillow of sorts. His thoughts drifted to Harry, and the dream...

"Morning," a voice said.

Severus' eyes shot open and his face turned to see Harry sitting on the floor a few feet away...in a bathroom. "Sweet Merlin, that wasn't a dream?" he muttered, sitting up slowly.

Harry tossed him a vial. "For the hangover," he said.

Severus downed the potion in one gulp, and moments later felt the headache begin to fade. He looked back at Harry, who was staring at him thoughtfully. "Harry?"

A smiled played on the younger man's lips. "Severus?"

A chill went down his spine, and it had nothing to do with the stone floor. "What happened last night?" he whispered.

Harry got up and walked the two steps over to Severus, offering a hand and helping him up. "What do you remember?"

Severus bit his lip, and tasted the truth. "Gods, did we?"

"Make out like teenagers?" Harry provided. "Yes."

Severus look at the ground. "Mr. Potter, I must..."

Harry glared. "Don't you dare apologize, Severus. You wanted it to happen, and I was sober and willing."

Severus looked up sharply. "Willing or not, Harry, it was wrong, and cannot happen again. What I want is unimportant in this instance. I am your teacher, damnit!"

Harry looked Severus in the eye. "Your feelings are important to me. And if you didn't feel something you would not have even been drunk last night. I think you've been hiding from your feelings for months."

Nail on the coffin, Severus thought. Try years. "You're missing my point, Harry."

Harry grinned. Severus didn't like it, not at all. It was bad, the dratted boy was up to something and Severus knew there was nothing he could do to stop it. "The only point of yours that I'm missing is the one between your legs," Harry whispered.

Severus' jaw fell. "Harry!" Sweet Merlin, he was getting hard now. He had to get out of here. "I'm leaving," he stated, hoping that his rushed departure did not look too much like running.

Harry watched silently as Severus more or less ran out of the bathroom. Part of Harry wanted to run after him, but his better judgment said to just let him go. Last night had been...incredible. They had kissed like no tomorrow for a good long hour, not saying much, until Severus had finally passed out drunk. Harry had desperately wanted to do more than kiss Severus, but knew he was walking on glass as it was, and refrained himself.

After Severus had passed out, Harry had stayed there, watching him. He'd thought about what had happened all night, and realized that however wrong the whole thing seemed, it was the most right thing Harry had ever experienced. Being that close to Severus had been like touching the missing part of himself, one that he had not noticed was missing until that night.

Harry returned to Gryffindor Tower now, which as the school was empty for the most part, there was no one there wondering where he'd been all night. Harry was grateful for that. To his surprise, there was a note waiting for him on his bed when he arrived, from Severus.

Harry,

I'm not going to try and excuse what happened last night on the fact that I was drunk, because you're right, I did want it. But the fact of the matter is that you are my student, I am your teacher, and if anything between us was ever discovered, we would both be in trouble. It would be a scandal, at best. I cannot do this. Please just accept that and try to forget the whole thing.

Harry frowned. Severus had not even signed his name, though he might as well have as he made the point of the fact that he was Harry's teacher.

"Damn!" Harry swore, tears forming in his eyes. "Doesn't he get that I..."

Harry paused. Love had been the next word forming on his tongue, and that scared him. Harry carefully folded the note, and hid it in the bottom of his trunk. He realized now that he did love Severus, not just simply care, and not merely attracted. He knew well enough that Severus was not going to budge on the matter, so Harry resolved to wait. He would not see anyone else, and after he graduated, he would approach Severus again.

A month had passed since Christmas. Severus Snape was starting to feel less flustered when he thought about encountering Harry in class, and had manage to totally avoid him the rest of the time. He'd even taken to eating in his quarters for the most part, avoiding even the chance of making eye contact.

But not feeling flustered did not change the thoughts in his mind. Severus took a deep breath as Harry's class filed in, and repressed his desire to smile when he saw Harry enter the room. Damn, that boy was handsome.

Class began. Today he was discussing dementors. He was walking up and down the rows of class, lecturing on the effects and defenses concerning dementors. "An encounter with dementors gives one the feeling of all the happiness being sucked away from you," he was saying as he passed Harry's desk.

"Not like there aren't other things to suck all the happiness out of person," Harry muttered.

"Excuse me, Mr. Potter?" Severus snapped. "Would you like to say something to the class?"

Harry's jaw clenched as he looked up at Severus. "No."

"No, sir," Severus corrected.

"Fuck off," Harry hissed.

"Detention Mr. Pot..." Severus gulped, realizing what he'd just done. Giving Harry a detention was the worst possible thing he could do, but in front of a full class, a class which included the obnoxiously observant Miss Granger, it would be impossible to take back at this point. "My office at eight this evening Mr. Potter," he finished quietly.

The whole class stirred, obviously taking note of his faltering speech just then. He took a deep breath and continued his lecture, during which Harry did not say another word. Harry was the first to file out when class ended, and Severus found himself dreading that evening more than he had ever dreaded anything else.

Eight that evening rolled around far quicker than Severus would have liked. Part of the time was wasted in the shower for over an hour, Severus knew, during which his mind had not been able to wander away from how much he wished that he could give in to his personal desires.

Harry walked through the door, at exactly eight, closing the door behind him with a sharp click. "Severus," he said simply.

"I really wish you would refrain from calling me that," Severus said quietly, not bothering to move from his seating position on his desk chair.

Harry glared. "I'll call you whatever I want when we're alone, Severus Snape. Be grateful I'm refraining in public."

Severus stood then, storming over to the infuriating young man. "Why are you making this so hard?" he demanded.

Harry grabbed Severus' robes harshly, closing the gap between them and pressing their lips together. "Because I'm in love with you," he spoke into Severus' mouth. He let go then, and allowed Severus to stumble backwards a step.

Severus considered a million things in the next few moments of silence. Everything that could go wrong, everything that could be lost, and in the end decided to take the risks. Merlin be damned, he loved Harry too. Severus voiced his conclusion. "I don't know how we're going to keep this a bloody secret Harry," he said, slowly resealing the gap between them, "But I love you too."

Harry wasted no time pulling Severus to his lips again, and this time, for the first time, Severus did not hesitate to return the gesture. He just didn't care. He wrapped his arms around the younger man, and gasped as he felt Harry grab his ass. "Harry!"

Harry just grabbed harder, and it was then that Severus noticed that Harry had begun unbuttoning his robes with his free hand. "I'm not letting you go Severus, not this time," Harry whispered, moving his lips down the now exposed portioned of his torso.

And that was the last straw of restraint for Severus, and the older man began to claw and Harry's t-shirt,. Harry fell to his knees, allowing Severus to pull the shirt off easily, but in the same motion Harry's face began to nuzzle that which lay between his legs.

"Gods Harry," Severus whispered. "Keep that up and I'm going to fall over."

Harry paused and stood again, nudging his own arousal against Severus' thigh. "I guess we should find a bed to fall onto then," he said, biting at Severus' neck.

"Bedroom," Severus nodded, indicating a door to their left.

The two slowly made it to the bedroom, knocking into several walls and Severus' desk on the way. Harry hands had deftly unclasp all of Severus' buttons, and as the door clicked behind them.