Some moments are airless vaults, your ears hurting from the sheer pressure of the wait, your chest tightening against the atmosphere that is making it hard to inhale. The feeling is exhilarating, and undeniably intense, involving your whole body and resulting in familiar pulsating angst, a cascade triggered by a multitude of possible reasons, but always flowing the same way.
At that point, it was hard to pick out a single reason. Hard to identify the cause, the trigger, for the resulting burn of the whole of her body.
She had many.
She stared out of the huge window of the gallery. Dusk was gathering outside and her insides seemed to resemble the uneasy sea.
She clutched her phone to her chest and took a deep steadying breath.
Breathing was easy, something to concentrate on to keep from going crazy.
She pushed redial and lifted the silver flip phone to her ear.
She held her breath for longer than what felt comfortable and suddenly let the air rush out from her chest as she closed her eyes listening the line go straight to voicemail again.
She shut the phone with fidgeting fingers.
"Where the hell are you?" she murmured, and her breath fogged the glass in front of her.
The uneasy feeling grew strong again and she shifted uncomfortably in the stiletto heels she was wearing.
"You okay, babe?" her mother's voice startled her and she turned around trying to seem composed.
Lorelai was beautiful and glowing, her form accentuated by the flowing black dress and her eyes burning with quiet pride and her usual energy.
Rory felt her own hands smooth out the green dress over her thighs. It was a nervous gesture and she realized her mother was waiting for an answer, her face growing more concerned.
"Yeah..." she said, willing her smile to seem real, but she lost the fight against the growing angst reverberating in her chest.
"I just can't reach Tristan" she confessed, her voice turning unsure, child like.
She suddenly felt weak and she wished she could run her hands through her hair, messing up the expertly coiffed locks, wished she could rub her eyes and ruin the mascara, the eyeliner, the fucking eyeshadow. She felt like a porcelain doll and she felt an incredible urge to destroy the façade.
"Oh" her mother said, her face even more concerned.
Lorelai's hand reached out, her fingers running up Rory's arms in what should have been a reassuring gesture.
It left her feeling more anxious.
"He had some work to do, but he said he wouldn't be long" she explained, the words rushing out of her mouth in fast succession.
She suddenly felt very aware that she was trying to calm herself.
"Well, I'm sure it's just taking a bit more time than he thought, but he's going to be here" Lorelai reassured her, her hand caressing her lightly.
"I don't know" she murmured, looking at the phone in her hand.
Her feet wobbled as she balanced on her heels, staring ahead for long seconds.
When she glanced back up at her mother, Lorelai was furrowing her brows as if she was trying to figure something out.
"Did something happen?" she asked and Rory was half relieved, half annoyed.
Did something happen? Or was she imagining things? She couldn't tell anymore. But she was sick of the closed confine of her own mind and suddenly talking, telling everything seemed like an incredibly alluring option.
She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. She wanted to keep it in, because it felt like if she let the words out, they would be more real, more plausible. As if the words could float out onto the city and change people's minds and the course of things.
She shook her head gently.
Words could also give relief.
She knew that better than anyone.
Her inner argument had been resolved.
"I told him Jess wasn't coming" she blurted out "and he... I don't know..."
"He what?" Lorelai asked, holding her breath.
"Was he relieved?" she asked when Rory didn't answer.
"No" Rory shook her head, once again dropping her eyes down onto her hands.
"I..." she started, hating that she had to do this confession.
Not only because she wished there was nothing to confess, but because she knew she should have told Lorelai this long ago.
"He was confused..." she recalled, her breathing getting ragged "I think he was trying to figure out the reason..."
"Which is...?" Lorelai asked quietly.
"I slept with him, mom" Rory cut her off. Her voice was quiet, matter of fact, the way it always was when she admitted something to Lorelai.
Lorelai nodded, and Rory wondered if the lack of surprise on her face was a result of immense self control or just unspoken knowledge.
"With Jess" Lorelai stated calmly.
"Yes" Rory murmured with a nervous swallow.
"Last year, after you broke up with Tristan" Lorelai went on as if she were checking facts and cross referencing.
"Yes" Rory affirmed, closing her eyes in self hatred.
"And your relationship had been strained since" Lorelai went on with her Sherlock routine.
"Yes. Yes. Yes" Rory groaned "Which is why I hadn't sent him the book or why he'd been staying away."
It was the reason.
Even if she wished it weren't. She knew it was.
She had been shutting out the thoughts and memories concerning her visit to Philadelphia last spring. It had been something she felt guilty about. Because it was something irrational, something childish and something she still had trouble coming to terms with.
She had used Jess before. Unjustly. And it had taken them a long while to get back to mutual respect, to no awkward feelings. She swore she would never be so cruel again, but determination is feeble when your life turns upside down and you have no direction or way to see clearly. She had been weak and she had been desperate and she knew Jess would always carry a torch.
"Hmm" her mother hummed knowingly.
Rory waited for her reaction holding her breath.
"And you didn't tell Tristan what happened?" she asked carefully.
She groaned, her hand rubbing her temples.
As if it were all so simple. Get it off your chest and move on with your life.
Things didn't work that way. Not in the real world anyway. There is no wrong or right, separated by clear lines and colored into strikingly different shades. Could she have come clean? Of course.
Would it all have made it better? Hard to say.
"Rory, it's not good to have secrets, they're just gonna come back to bite you..." Lorelai whispered.
"I tried to tell him" she broke her off "I wanted to, but he stopped me."
Lorelai looked at her, her face surprised.
Rory went on.
"I wanted to tell him that I'd been with someone else, but he didn't want to hear, he said it didn't matter anymore" she said, trying to convince her own self that this was the reason.
"Rory, Jess isn't just someone..." Lorelai sighed.
"I know" she said, groaning "I should have told him, but I was scared of what he would think" she confessed, surprising herself with the honesty.
"Rory, you and Tristan had been through so much... he deserves to know..." Lorelai pleaded and Rory looked up, anger stirring inside her.
"But what if he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore?" she asked, realizing at once her voice was getting hysterical.
"That won't happen, Rory" her mother replied and her face seemed certain.
"I don't know, mom. It's like he has all these insecurities... because Jess... has the words... and knows my past" she whispered, realizing in the back of her mind that her thoughts were rushed, irrational.
"He might know your past, Rory, but he is just a part of it..." Lorelai said.
"I know that... god knows, I know... I knew it even before last year..." she whispered, once again rubbing her temples.
"It's easy to fall back onto someone who you know is going to comfort you" her mother murmured, as if she knew exactly what it felt like.
Rory looked up, realizing she did.
It should have scarred her. Their joint mistakes. Their rash tendencies to act inconsiderately, foolishly. But right now, it just felt like a conviction, for the both of them.
"It's not right though" she said, her voice small.
Her quiet words fluttered in the air around them and Rory thought she saw her mother tense for the briefest of seconds.
"No, it's not" Lorelai replied, her words barely audible as she accepted the verdict.
Rory looked at her mother, once again realizing how burdened she was by Lorelai's traits, her thoughts, her mistakes. She made the same ones, as though it was predestination.
"I was so heartless to Jess, mom. And I lost someone who means so much" she said, her voice breaking as she longed for support and reassurance.
"You didn't lose him Rory, things just need a little more time to fall back into their right place" her mother said, pulling her into a hug.
"I feel so guilty" she said, trying to hold back the tears.
"Rory, you made your amends" Lorelai said, her voice sure.
"No, I didn't" she sniffed.
"He read the book, Rory. That fucking drunk gets more apologies than the rest of us put together!"
"It isn't Jess!" Rory whined, for what felt like the thousandth time.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever" Lorelai chuckled.
She groaned.
Loreali stepped away slightly, her hands holding Rory by the shoulder as she looked at her, wiping the tears that escaped her eyes.
"Are you sad he isn't going to be here?" Lorelai asked suddenly, catching her off guard.
She was surprised by the question, surprised her mother would focus on that. She felt her face twist, like when the pain comes suddenly and the years of adult control can't flood you fast enough to counteract the childish urge to cry. She contemplated the answer, but it was impossible to speak rationally, to reason, to explain. The emotions rushed her, unbanned.
"He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be proud of me and not resent me. I was supposed to be supported by my friend and not feeling guilty about a guy I screwed over. He is more than that. He deserves more than that. But I screwed that up and he is not coming and Tristan is going to figure out why. He probably already did and that's why he is not picking up his phone two fucking hours before this stupid launch happens" the words spilled from her mouth, her ragged breaths breaking the steady flow.
Lorelai grabbed her arm and shook her lightly, effectively shutting her up.
"Okay, breathe" she said slowly and Rory nodded, trying to even out her breaths. She focused on inhaling and exhaling, her eyes fixed on her mother's.
"He is probably stuck at work and he is going to be here soon. And as for Jess... you can't win at everything, Rory. But he is proud of you and is supportive of you, even if it's too hard for him to come here and watch you" Lorelai spoke slowly, emphasizing every word as it that could make them more convincing, more true.
Rory nodded, trying to internalize the words, trying to gain calamity and peace from them.
"As for Tristan, he is probably stuck and work and we'll be here, like he always is" her mother went on. Rory nodded, realizing she was right.
"You are going to smile and get through tonight, and once all this is over you are going to talk to Tristan and not let this whole thing burden you anymore, okay?" she asked.
Rory looked at her, sighing.
She wished it would all be so simple.
"Okay?" her mother repeated and she nodded, reluctantly.
"Why don't you phone into his office?" Lorelai asked, smiling, her hands rubbing Rory's arm. Her face seemed so bright, so reassuring and Rory wished for the life of her that that outlook would slowly pass onto her, calming her nerves.
"Okay" she whispered, breathless, still trying to compose herself.
"I'll go check on everything" Lorelai whispered, giving her another squeeze, before leaving her alone.
She turned back to her designated spot at the window. She looked up at the sky and noticed the clouds rolling in.
Was it this time last year that she watched clouds so similar roll in over Philadelphia? Was it only last year that she felt so lost and out of touch with herself and life that she went there, in a haze and did what she still felt ashamed off?
It wasn't because she felt like it was cheating on Tristan, although she knew by now that them being apart was never at all final and a result of closure, even back when she deluded herself by thinking it was. It was because she disappointed herself. By being weak, by acting like that. By acting like her mother would in a situation like that. Rash and irrational and inconsiderate.
She loved her mother, she really did, but she never could accept the way she treated her father, or Luke for that matter. She was happy that Lorelai was given a second chance and she hoped that she would never resort to such emotional mistakes again.
Instead she did it on her own self.
She closed her eyes, her throat closing up as the images rushed her mind. She couldn't decide what was more painful. Seeing Jess expose those feelings that he had kept hidden for such a lung time, that he had kept in check and control in order to be a gentleman. Seeing his vulnerability, his need. Or seeing the incredible disappointment on his face when he realized that he was once again used.
She remembered those minutes, when he had stood motionless, seemingly battling an incredible urge to shout at her for being so cruel, to kick her out. Instead, he had resolved wearing his mask, his demeanor cooling into an emotionless observer. He had spent the next two days by her side, never touching, never pushing, in support, because he had realized that was what she needed at that point, for whatever reasons. He had not asked questions, had not demanded explanations, had not told her he deserved better, because there was no point to do all that anymore. He had shown incredible love and support for Rory and when she left, the two didn't speak until Tristan brought him to their apartment because of the book.
She couldn't tell if Jess was over it all, if he'd forgiven her, if he really did thought that her book made amends for mistakes even as grand and reoccurring as hers. But she hoped against hope that it was a new beginning for them. That she had been given another chance, to make amends, just like she had been given a chance with Tristan.
Which is why she had been taken aback by Jess deciding to stay away from the launch. Maybe she'd been wrong. Maybe he wasn't over her, or over blaming her. Maybe he never did forgive her and he only worked through the editing process and the whole release because he was, after all, a good man. But having been given the choice, he chose to stay away and save himself the heartache and the punishment. And maybe she deserved all that. Maybe she deserved everything to fall apart around her, even if it had preciously seemed to all magically work itself out.
She took in a deep breath, trying to will the self loathing back under her control. It was once again tearing at her.
She wished for reassurance. She wished for comfort. And she needed to know Tristan was still all that.
She shifted her weight nervously from one foot to another as she scrolled through her phone's phonebook to find the number.
She dialed and held her breath.
She listened as Tristan's secretary came on the line.
"Yeah, hi, this is Rory... Gilmore... I'm just wondering if Tristan's in?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
"Oh, hi, Miss Gilmore, congratulations on the launch... Yeah, Mr. DuGray had a meeting outside of the office with Morrison and Co. this morning and he told me to keep his schedule free the rest of the day so he could go to the launch..." the woman's voice informed her matter of factly.
"Oh... okay... well, you think that meeting is still on?" she asked and she hated how pathetically hopeful her voice sounded.
"It might be, he hasn't called in" the woman replied, unsure.
"Right" she said, telling herself to keep breathing.
"He is probably stuck there, but will be on time for the launch" the woman reassured her, even as Rory felt she was just trying to calm her.
"Right, of course" she agreed, aching to hang up.
"Do you want me to tell him to call you, if he checks in?" the woman asked, her words compassionate.
"No, I'm sure he is going to show up any minute, thank you" she said, forcing her words to come out as cheerful as possible.
She mumbled a bye and hung up.
She looked back outsice, her eyes searching the sky over the buildings.
He was in a meeting. Of course he was.
Tristan was Tristan.
He was stable and calm, and trustworthy and rational.
She closed her eyes as she reminded herself.
She felt calmness seep through her as she repeated the thoughts in her head like a mantra.
After a full minute, she felt her body relax slowly.
The calmness seemed to linger on even as she turned her head up to the sky to see the clouds roll in over the darkening city.