My Future In Your Hands
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
there's no other way when it comes to the truth so keep holding on
Avril Lavinge
Quinn stares at the door, willing it to open but dreading it all the same because she knows that whatever decision Rachel makes will affect her whole lot more than it will affect Quinn. When it does finally open, it does surprise her that Marcie steps aside, allowing her room to enter, should she actually have the courage to do so.
She sees Tina staring at her, a guarded expression on her face. Her eyes finally meeting Rachel's and it's only when she sees Rachel nod imperceptibly, does she enter.
She walks towards the couch and takes the sole chair facing it as Marcie and Tina sit on Rachel's either side, a protective gesture made all the more obvious when Tina angles her body as if to block Quinn's direct line to Rachel.
She knows she does not need to introduce herself but what she does need to do is show that she's here to help and her skills as a doctor has to outweigh any reservations Rachel or Tina has about her past sins. "I went to Harvard and then to John Hopkins. I was accepted into the Intern program at New York Presbyterian and after a few years found what I wanted to specialize in. I'm an Attending there now double boarded in ENT and Plastics. I've done research on subepithelial microflap resection focusing on isolating the lesions while preserving.." her voice trails off as she sees Rachel's eye widen with fear and realizing she's made a rookie mistake of using too much medical jargon.
"I'm researching surgical techniques for nodule removal that can improve post operation recovery but surgery is the last choice and 95% of the time, it's not needed because there are other therapies that work and other avenues to explore. I'll go over your file with you and highlight some things I've discovered and then we can discuss what you want to do next."
It all feels so surreal to Rachel that she pinches the inside of her arm and the pain she feels actually indicates that Quinn Fabray, is really sitting before her, offering to help her, possibly cure her and all she can think of is when she'll hear the sneer in her voice or feel the cold splash of liquid hitting her in the face. She sees Quinn look expectantly at her and knows it's her turn to speak.
"I..I've tried.."Her voice trailing off as she feels her throat convulse involuntarily. Rachel can see Quinn staring straight at her and it takes all of her will power not to look away because she's Rachel Berry. She accepted her first Tony with a five minute speech that got her a standing ovation and not a dry eye in the audience. She's put up with megalomaniacal Directors, diva-offs with other lesser voiced singers and a bad public break up with her last serious boyfriend. "I've tried all the therapies and techniques. Drank tonics and herbal mixes that made me pee blue for a month."
Her eyes are averted now, not wanting to look at Quinn as she continues, putting voice to her fear at last, "I've breathed differently, talked at a different pitch, changed my diet, and held my head at an angle that seriously was not conducive to much of anything. And nothing's helped."
"Have you tried not talking?" Quinn wants to temper the question with a smile but realizes that it will be taken the wrong way when both Tina and Marcie turn to glare at her. Tina's hand now protectively held around Rachel's waist "To give your vocal cords time to heal. Sometimes it's really all it takes. I would however recommend an indirect laryngoscopy, just to make sure that the cells are not cancerous." She sees Rachel's eyes go wide as she shakes her head.
"Don't worry Rachel, It's not invasive." The name rolls off her tongue like she's always used it only she sees Rachel's face as the diva remembers that in truth, she's only used her name a handful of times and even then, only in contempt. "I'm..um.. I.."She's floundering as she sees Rachel stare back at her, her eyes unblinking, a look of disbelief on her face.
It takes all her willpower to not walk away as she addresses Marcie, "Does Ms Berry's contract allow her to take medical rest. Three weeks would be good but nothing shorter than fifteen days?" She takes out a notepad and scribbles on it, trying not to wince when Rachel answers instead.
"Yes, it does but I've never use it because I've never been that sick." Her work ethic has always been a source of pride for her and it rankled that Quinn expected her to just stop working. "So you can't just waltz in here and expect me to do everything you say, you're here to give me a diagnosis, an opinion, one of many and just because you're a doctor now, it does not give you any power to tell me what to do, to tell me how to live my life. You don't get to have any power over me." She's breathing hard, her voice harsh but losing steam at the end as she sees that as always, her words have no effect on Quinn Fabray.
She feels her heart rate pick up as she grinds her molars down, schooling her features to ensure that she does not react because she's not the patient here and Rachel's words are only fair. This cannot be about her even though she wants to apologize, to explain that she's suffered for it too. That she's tried her best to make up for every bad word and every bad thing, real or imagined that she had done. "It's the one therapy you haven't tried so please consider it. This is a prescription for a steroid inhaler just in case and I'll see you in two days at the hospital." She gives the paper to Marcie and stands up, her hands in her pockets as she says a soft goodbye, only registering Marcie's response back before she swiftly makes her way out of the clinic.
#$#$#$
"Say something" Rachel's been silent the entire ride back to her apartment that Tina's almost sure that she's not recovered from seeing Quinn, despite her words at the end. "Or don't say anything because maybe you should take the advice." Tina's voice goes soft as she waits, hoping for the Rachel to react.
"I'd hoped she'd be fat." The words eliciting a laugh from Tina and a sigh of relief and it makes Rachel smile. She had people who loved her and cared about her, Her life was so close to her thirty year plan that she always thought that all her trials and tribulations in high school was necessary to get to this point. She can trace each action taken in reaction to each experience good and bad leading her to her dreams. She would give anything to continue on her chosen path but she knows deep down that it may really be out of her reach. She's played Maria winning her first Tony for the West Side Story Revival. She won her third with Oklahoma and knows that there's already talk of an Evita Revival because Sir Andrew Lloyd's Webber wanted one last big production under his belt.
She can hear Marcie on the phone with Mr. Llewellyn, trying to get more information about Dr Quinn Fabray. It shouldn't surprise her that if she managed to make her dreams come true, Quinn would also succeed in her own way. She had clawed her way back to the top after Beth's adoption and never really looked back, ruling the school until graduation.
"Ok, I'll tell her. Thanks." Marcie hangs up and stands before Rachel, trying to gauge her mood, not wanting to broach the subject and cause her to cry again but knowing that she owes it to Rachel to always look out for her. "She's really that good, top of her class at John Hopkins and she's won something called a Lasker award for clinical research. It's like the medical equivalent of a Tony award. He says he trusts her with his life and she saved his granddaughter's ear and hearing when she got into an accident."
Again, Rachel cannot reconcile the Quinn she knew with the information she's receiving or her encounter earlier in the day. "So you think I should take her advice?" She's never sounded more unsure and it breaks Tina's heart to see Rachel flounder but she knows it's her duty to be honest.
"Yeah, yeah, I think you do. At least until we can find another doctor, I think you owe it to yourself to do everything you can." She sees Rachel nod and prays silently that she's right about this because she knows how much Rachel had been affected by Quinn in high school.
#$#$#$
"Come on, don't do his. Come on Josh, please." Quinn's speaking out loud, her entire being focused on the little boy on the operating table before her. He's been under her knife twice and she's always managed to get him through it. She can hear the monitors beeping and the nurses and pediatric surgeon move around her, trying to assist but she knows it's up to her as she tries to bring him back.
"Come on, sweetie, please don't give up. Please." Her voice takes on a pleading tone but it does not really register as she continues to stem the flow of blood from the little boy, only each time she thinks she's stopped it, another vessel ruptures. She does not give up though, ignoring all the noise and even shouting at Dr Evans when he finally steps back, as if he's given up. "No, you do not get to give up."
She can hear the flatline on the monitor but cannot force herself to stop as she continues to stem the blood flow even though she can see that it's not pumping out any longer.
"Do you want me to call it?" She hears the question and swallows, her throat suddenly dry. It would be so easy to pass the task onto Dr Evans but she can't shirk away from this, just like she won't leave it to him to talk to Josh's parents either.
"Time of death 3.23pm." Her voice does not waver and she nods at Evans before turning to leave the operating theatre. She strips off her surgical gown and gloves and walks towards the family waiting area. She sees Josh's parents and hates the fact that at that exact second, they realized all at once that their son was no longer with them. Despite trying her best, she just was not good enough to save him.
"I'm so sorry. He was so brave but the growth was to invasive and …he was so brave." She can feel the tears forming and blinks them back because it's not her place to grieve at least not yet. "You can see him…if you want. I'll get him ready." Her voice breaks on the last word and she bows her head waiting for the well deserved wrath to descend upon her.
She's surprised then when the mother pulls her into a hug but she still does not cry.
#$#$#$
Rachel looks at her watch and hurries down the corridor, her hat pull low and still wearing her sunglasses. She had finally decided to come alone, not wanting to call attention to herself and needing to take responsibility for her condition. She had called the theatre and taken the medical leave and in a couple of hours or so, she'd find out how serious her condition really was.
Marcie and Tina both had wanted to accompany her but she also needed to prove that she was strong enough to face Quinn because if she couldn't even do that, then what chance would she have with facing the possibility of losing her voice.
She sees the office number as scribbled on Quinn's note and she knocks on the door but does not hear anything so she enters. The room is bright and there are pictures on the wall, at first she thinks that they are generic ones only to recognize scenes from her childhood, the old church down the road from her house and several of McKinley High interspersed with scenes of New York.
She wants to look at them but is distracted when she hears a sound intimately familiar yet completely unexpected. Like the pictures, it transports her back to high school, time spent hiding in the girls bathroom, crying her eyes out.
She looks around and finally pinpoints the sound as coming from the inside room. It's raw and personal and Rachel feels like she's intruding even though she has really done anything. It reminds her that despite her own problems, there may be other people who hurt more than she did and it finally spurs her to act as she knocks softly before opening the door, prepared to offer comfort if she could.
"Can I…." Her voice trails off as she sees Quinn Fabray head in her hands as she leaned against the far wall, sobs ripping through her body. She sees Quinn's head rise and their eyes lock.
End Part 3