She felt Emma pass her the mic and she took it, self consciously. She felt the deafening sound of expectation filling her ears and she felt herself take a shaky breath, her whole body trembling slightly.
"Uhm, thank you" she said, surprised by the volume of her voice coming back to her over the speakers placed around the room.
She saw a thousand faces around her, she felt her mother's warming gaze, her grandparents' proud gleaming, her father's reassuring smile and Luke's quiet support. She saw Paris and Doyle and Lane and Zack and half of Star's Hollow squeezed in between the people who gathered at the gallery for the launch.
She felt Jess stand next to her and she felt the warmth of being happy and overwhelmed at the same time.
She felt so thankful, so hopeful at him being here, him making the effort, it made her start to believe that maybe her mother was right, maybe things would get back to normal, despite the heavy meaning of his words still sinking deep into her heart.
She glanced back to where Tristan was standing, searching the crowd to find his face again. Somehow she felt an incredible need to see him, look at him, connect to him. He was standing in the back, not having moved forward since he'd arrived, having had literally dragged Jess with him like a kicking and screaming child.
She finally found his eyes and her breath faltered for a second, because his face seemed to be troubled, his eyes glancing from spot to spot, unfocused, his face pale. She wished he would look at her, focus on her, their eyes meeting, so she could connect to him, but the moment seemed fleeting and she lost track of him, swallowed by the crowd of expectant faces.
She felt an uneasy restlessness flood her body.
"Rory?" she heard Emma whisper and she glanced back to the editor standing next to her.
She saw her stare at her, while Jess seemed to watch the back of the room intently.
Rory's eyes fell onto his face and she saw his serious concentration.
She glanced back towards the back, hoping to find Tristan, but she couldn't make out his form behind the sea of faces.
"Rory, they're waiting" Emma whispered and she looked out onto the faces of the crowd, the group of people staring at her.
She suddenly felt the anxiety rush her, back with a vengeance and a heat wave traveled through her body as she realized she'd been standing there stupidly for the good part of a minute.
"Uhm, right, hello" she said, her voice confused.
There was quiet laughter from the crowd and she blushed, trying to focus on the speech she had prepared.
Had she prepared a speech?
She shook her head lightly, trying to regain concentration.
"I want to thank you all for coming tonight" she finally started, gathering strength.
"I am very grateful and so proud to be standing up here."
She felt Jess' hand brush her arm gently as he moved passed her discretely, disappearing off to the side.
She glanced after him in confusion, but she was given no time to ponder about where he was heading off to as she felt the myriad of eyes all focused on her.
"I never thought I would write a book" she went on, taking a deep breath "It wasn't in the five year plan, or ten year plan, or any plan for that matter. Back when I was wearing the plaid skirts and all that... I had other goals... But life seems to stir you in the right direction. In the direction that you should end up taking, even if you dumbly cling to ideas and dreams that are not even your own anymore. I think that I had a revelation last winter, and I realized things that I must have known all along. This book is so personal, because it's me owning up to those realizations..."
She suddenly felt self-aware, bearing her soul to a room full of relative strangers.
"I don't even know if that makes sense... uhm, hopefully I am better with words in a written form."
She heard the crowd chuckle and she relaxed slightly, trying to wrap up her speech.
"I want to thank Jess Mariano" she said, closing her eyes, because she was too afraid to try to look for him in the crowd, the nagging feeling in the back of her mind telling her she won't find him "because he's been this incredible support and also... very trusting to put all this faith in me."
The crowd chuckled again and Rory thought it was funny how that sounded like a joke to them, when her concern seamed so real to her.
"And I want to thank my family, especially my mother, for standing by me even if the plan seemed crazy at the time" she went on, glancing at her mother, who was seemingly fighting tears.
"And..." she paused, because the incredible anxiety in her chest returned as she once again searched the room in vain "I have to thank one more person, because without him I don't think this book would exist..." she said, her voice faltering as the tears prickled her eyes.
She couldn't say if they were tears of being overcome with emotions or tears of fear, everything melted into a blur, tightening her chest.
"Without him I don't think I would exist" she added, her voice incredibly quiet as she breathed a deep breath trying to calm herself.
She glanced at her mother again, who was looking worried, glancing toward the exit and she knew in the back of her mind what she was looking at, knew what was happening. She wanted to drop the damn mic and dash out, cutting her way through the crowd, but she was rooted into her spot, her chest tight with words that she needed to say.
She knew that if no other time, she needed to be honest now. Needed to take a stand and let her voice ring out for the world to hear, for him to hear.
"My fiance, Tristan, who has given me more love and support and strength than I will ever deserve. Thank you" she let her hand fall as the room erupted in applause.
She felt Emma take the mic from her hand as she stood there helpless and limp, her body suddenly feeling ancient and tired.
She turned to her mother who was trying to smile, but was unable to hide her growing concern.
She heard Emma distinctly address the crowd to pose questions, but her own legs started moving as she left the center area.
She heard Emma's surprised voice as she corrected herself, and she felt music start up around her.
She saw dozens of people approach her, trying to congratulate, but her legs were carrying her towards the door, ignoring the people around her.
She cut her way through the crowd of astonished people and finally made her way out onto the street.
She came to stop in the doorway as she saw Jess standing on the sidewalk as he was staring off to the distance.
Rain was starting to pour down and she saw his hair wet, drops of water making their way down his face.
She turned in the direction he was staring at, her heart pounding as she feared what he was looking at, but she couldn't find it on the sidewalk were people were rushing to try to get out of the rain.
"Where is he?" she asked, startled by the way her own voice sounded.
Jess looked at her slowly, as if recovering from a dreamy haze, his face solemn as the rain cascaded down on it.
He didn't answer, but looked at Rory, his face reflecting hurt.
"I didn't tell him, Rory" he said, his voice quiet.
The simple, pleading confession rocked her, her heart beating away wildly at the hidden meanings of that sentence.
She closed her eyes as she felt her body tremble, her knees threatening to give way.
She opened her eyes, swallowing the bitter bile that was burning the back of her throat.
"I know you wouldn't" she said, because she was certain of this.
His face seemed to reflect a flash of relief.
"He figured it out" she whispered, stating what was obvious to her.
He figured it out because he was smart and observant. He figured it out because it was obvious.
"Rory" Jess said pulling her out of her repetitive thoughts. His tone was meant to sound comforting, she was sure, but all that she felt was delirium rising.
"Where is he?" she repeated her question, her words becoming hysterical as she cut him off.
"I don't know" he whispered, his voice hurt and quiet "he left."
"Oh God" she breathed out, stepping down the ledge of the entrance to the gallery. She felt the rain slowly soak her, her hair becoming heavy on her shoulder, but she hardly cared. She paced in front of the entrance, willing the anxiety to dissipate from her body. She knew it was a futile attempt.
"I should have told him... I should have..." she recited frantically, her mind selfishly on a loop. She caught the face of Jess, pure pain plastered all over it. She shut her mouth, realizing how incredibly selfish she must have sounded to him.
She looked at him, his form the pure picture of defeat as he stood in the rain, his face frozen in an expression of hurt, like the mask had finally cracked, like the veil had finally lifted.
"Jess" she whispered, guilt rushing back to her again.
He blinked, seemingly trying to compose himself.
"Hmmm?" he murmured, obviously not trusting his voice enough to speak.
"I'm sorry..." she said, the words sounding shrill as they fell to the asphalt beneath their feet, breaking into worthless molecules next to the dissolving raindrops.
He smiled a wry smile closing his eyes.
She stepped closer to him, coming to stand in front of him, her arms going to his shoulders as she desperately wanted to reach him.
She felt the guilt return, to every single molecule of her body. She felt clumsy and inconsiderate, unable to control words or movement, like a huge beast breaking toys.
"I am sorry I was so careless and I am sorry you had to suffer my childishness" she pleaded, her voice weak as she spoke. The words felt heavy to her, not right and she suddenly wished she had spent months and months writing this speech instead of the book that was a vague labyrinth of her feelings rather than her owning up to her true faults.
He swallowed hard.
"I never meant to hurt you" she said, closing her eyes as the hurt made it hard for her to swallow.
His warm brown eyes met hers and she felt demolished, the deep vortex of pain pulling her in as she stared at him.
"I know, Rory" he said slowly.
His face, as if by extreme self control, slowly returned to it's calm self. She saw the lines rearrange, soothing into the face she knew, the carefully controlled stance that was Jess.
He took another breath.
"He loves you" he said slowly.
She felt a sob break from her chest and she realized she was crying, her tears mixing with the rain.
"He left" she said, not thrusting any more words to be formulated correctly as her chest heaved.
"He's hurting" he shook his head, trying to swallow back the emotions that were threatening to rush him again.
"You have to understand that."
"What if it's too late?" she asked, breathless.
He smiled at her, his hand reaching up to her face to brush the damp locks away.
"It isn't" he said and she wished to the sky and god and everything she could think of that he was right.
She turned, once again staring into the direction that Jess was initially looking towards when she came out of the gallery.
"Go" she heard Jess whisper.
She glanced back at him, before setting off, down the street, heading towards wherever her heart was guiding her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
She felt her chest heave frantically, panic soaking her body, more effectively than the rain managed to.
She couldn't tell how long she'd been out in the rain, and she couldn't even tell where she was.
She recognized the direction she was heading in, but she refused to waist time by looking at street signs, or trying to think of a quicker way to move.
As if all extra thought and effort would break her concentration, would falter her determination. Her determination for things to, despite all signs proving otherwise, turn out okay.
She knew that if she could just get to him, if her fingers could touch him, if their eyes could meet, then she would know, know with all her might that things were going to be alright, that they were all going to be alright.
Her feet were moving automatically, her shoes undoubtedly ruined by now, her dress clinging to her like a heavy cloak.
She didn't care. She hardly felt all this, the physical feelings barely registering because the voices in her head, the doubt and fear were so loud.
She contemplated closing her eyes, because her sight didn't seem to guide her, didn't seem to help her out. She wished she could hear him, feel him, find him through that connection she knew they had, she stubbornly hoped they had.
She suddenly came to a halt, blinking to adjust to the sight in front of her.
The street was empty, with only a couple of cars rushing past as the rain fell heavily, casting a heavy curtain over the corner.
She saw him then, his lone figure standing by the edge of the sidewalk, his eyes unfocused as he stared out onto the street.
He was soaked, his posture defeated and she felt an incredibly sense of relief and hurt at the same time, seeing him like that.
She felt her feet begin to move again as she made her way up to him, her eyes settled on the street sign behind him.
61st and Madison.
She felt her steps speed up and he turned slowly, as if in a dream, noticing her.
She saw his muscles tense, his jaw flex, and his eyes close, his whole demeanor looking broken. She wanted to reach out and touch him, pull him in her arms, but she stopped herself, the anxiety returning to her chest.
"Rory" he said slowly, his voice small, as if pleading with her to leave him alone, to go away.
"I wanted to tell you" she said "I tried."
The words rushed out of her mouth and she felt they were ridiculous, her voice childish and whining.
"Please" he stopped her, his voice strained as he closed his eyes.
"I wanted to because I know that I was horrible and weak and that you were strong and so determined" she went on, unable to filter words, unable to obey his request.
"Stop" he whispered, his voice becoming strained as his fists clenched.
"And I am nothing like that... I am worthless and I am childish" she went on, ignoring him.
"Rory" he gritted out her name, trying to silence her.
"But I didn't because I was hoping... that things were new and untainted and I was given another chance... and I didn't want to admit that I was undeserving of that chance."
They made sense to her, in some deep recess of her mind, these words, but spoken out, they felt so rushed, so in vein. She suddenly felt that they were useless.
"Please, stop talking" Tristan said, his voice less pleading and more commanding.
"No. You have to hear it. This time, you have to hear it" she sobbed, her voice ringing out as she saw lightning flash around them. The thunder followed momentarily, the sound so explosive, so intense, it rumbled through her body, making her insides clench. She welcomed the intense shockwave, because it seemed to silence the anxiety inside of her and she wished there would be another thunder, more intense to calm her.
She took a deep breath, her voice sounding more calm and strong.
"I left you, the morning after you proposed to me here, because I was running. Because I thought the reason that my life seemed like a trap was you... when really everything that was good in my life was you" she said, her voice sure, determined.
She saw him listen, his eyes fixed on the ground next to her, but every fiber of him listening to her. There was no protest, no pleading for her to stop, even as his muscles still flexed under his soaked clothes.
"I left you and had this incredible pain that I didn't know what to do with, that I wanted gone. And I know that you can take that pain and turn it into strength and conviction and everything that makes you who you are, but I let that pain take over me and make me selfish and cruel" she went on.
The words seemed true, coming from deep within her, and she realized that the truth, spoken out loud, confessed, was an incredible weapon. And incredible force. More intense than lighting and thunder.
It was medicine. It was peace. It was a quiet force that slowly dissolved the guilt and pain that was swirling inside of her.
"I went to Jess... and I used him... I slept with him" she went on, the words coming easy, despite her fears.
She knew they were rhetorical, because he knew all this by now, figured this all out by now.
It still seemed to demolish him and she cringed as she heard him growl as if he were in actual physical pain.
"And there is no excuse for what I did" she went on swallowing.
"I knew I didn't belong with him. I knew I didn't belong anywhere else. Because everything pulled me back to you, tied me to you" she said.
She watched as he exhaled a slow breath and she felt as though the tension in his muscles dissolved, if only by a fraction. It set an incredibly fire inside her chest, a fire of hope. She felt herself take a step closer to him, not daring to touch him, but wanting to. She felt like if she could portray this fire of hope, this incredible feeling of want, she could reach him, could make him understand.
She closed her eyes as another flash of lightning illuminated their form. She held her breath as the thunder followed suit, shaking her whole body with delicious strength. She wanted to pull in all that electricity, all that charge and pour it into her words, make them come to life.
"And I was given this incredible second chance. And I was given your incredible strength, I was given you, to stand by me and wait until I stumbled over and over again to finally figure out what I had to do to make things right. And you stood and bared, so please... please bear with me" she finished, feeling herself smile as she reached out for him.
"There is nothing to bear, Rory" she heard him speak, his voice barely audible over the falling rain.
He looked defeated once again, energy visibly draining from his body by the second.
It made her breathing speed up, because it felt like defeat and looked like surrender.
"It is over" she pleaded, her voice once again frantic as she whispered.
"Don't you see?" he cried out, his voice more intense than the thunder following it.
"Don't you fucking see it doesn't matter? I know you can't be happy with him. I know better than anyone. I know it was useless and I know it left you empty, trust me, I know" he shouted at her, his face intense with emotions.
He stared at her for a second.
"What I don't know is why being with me is any different" he said, his voice close to cracking.
The words shook her more intensely than the lighting and the thunder that crashed around them, illuminating his face colored by hurt and anger and confusion. She saw his anguish, saw his despair and she felt herself move up to him, her hands reaching out to touch his face.
He closed his eyes as her fingers traced his cheeks, inhaling sharply as his muscles once again flexed.
"Tristan DuGray" she said, willing him to open his eyes to look at her.
"It is different, because you are you" she breathed out, her fingers brushing up to his rain soaked hair.
"You woke me up. You woke me up from a fucking nightmare. You woke me up and waited until my eyes adjusted to the light and waited until I could pick apart what was real and what was not. You waited until I could finally see" she whispered, moving closer, her face only inches away from his.
His eyes focused on hers and she felt, for the first time that whole day that incredible peace that came with standing in his sight, with looking in his eyes.
"And all I see is you" she went on, her voice faltering as she saw his pain filled eyes.
"You are so beautiful that it hurts. Inside and out. You fit me and I am thankful for every day that I get with you. I want you and I want you now and forever because I am sure, I am sure like I have never been sure of anything else in my life" she went on, her words frantic and pleading.
She felt him sigh deeply as she moved even closer to him, her rain soaked body molting against his as her arms moved down his back, his body limp in her strong hold.
"I am yours and I have the fucking ring to prove it. So don't you dare stand there and question if you are different at all. You are different. You are the one" she whispered into his ear as she moved even closer.
She saw the lightning, even as she squeezed her eyes more tightly than she squeezed him to herself. She felt the thunder rattle her closer to him, the shockwaves reverberating from his body to hers and back and she felt his hand slowly snake around her, his grip becoming firm on her waist.
He pulled her closer, breathing in her scent and she felt the sobs break from her chest as she felt the anxiety in her body dissolve and drip to the ground with the raindrops that were soaking them.