Chapter 8 my own personal Yoda

Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer- this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute which, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods.

Thanks to BanSidhe for beating

AN: some readers have commented that the vision quest sounds like a great idea for us all. There are seriously dozens of pages on the net about his kind of stuff. I think the first step to getting what you want, is knowing what it is that you want; sorting out your own 'to do' list, as it were

And Leah heard him. She had woken in her little nest feeling warmer. But she knew she could not stay there. That would be giving up and she didn't do that. So she stood, brushed herself off and started walking again. She walked for hours, still lost in the endless forest.

But then she had heard Jacob's voice.

She knew it was Jake's voice but she couldn't tell where it was coming from or what he was saying. She walked around in a circle until she was back where she had started. This endless forest was getting seriously irritating. Then she closed her eyes and concentrated on his voice. She took a couple of steps; then another and then she turned and took a tentative pace out. She felt that this was the right way to go; towards his voice.

She had taken maybe ten paces when she felt confident enough to open her eyes. The dreamscape had changed. It was more familiar. She knew where she was now. She was on James Island.

The Quileute called it Akalat the 'top of the rock'. It used to be connected to the mainland until the US army corps of engineers had messed with the Quillayute River.

But it was significant to the tribe; it was the burial place for the tribal chiefs. It was also significant because until the second half of the 1800s, the island was the site of a fortified village; it was the site for their warriors.

She wondered that it was Jake's voice that had led her here. Here to the place he might be buried if he fulfilled his destiny. She had a notion; she thought she had no destiny and Jake thought he had too much.

Was that it? Was she supposed to help Jake carry some of his burden? She could do that; she was already his beta. But what else could she do?

She heard something in the forest ahead of her and instinctively froze. She crouched low; readying herself to run. But she didn't feel threatened.

She saw glimpses of movement through the trees; wolves. They were running together. They almost looked like they were playing. It was a female and her cubs; they looked under two years old. Still young and playful but respectful of what must surely be their mother. There were other, older wolves but no other females.

She sat carefully on the ground and watched them; they didn't seem to be aware of her but she was cautious just in case. They played together. There was one that reminded her of Seth and another that was just so like Quil it was eerie. They seemed to be waiting for something.

The female's ears twitched and she stood, straining towards the forest. And here he was; her alpha male. He was carrying a dead hare in his mouth and he dropped it reverently at her feet. The pups tried to take it and she snapped at them. You go girl, thought Leah. The male and female greeted each other; rubbing their faces together and scenting each other. She licked his face and he mouthed her muzzle in an almost affectionate gesture.

Then they both turned and stared right at her, as if they had known she was there the whole time. She just stared back at them. They didn't blink.

"This?" she queried, "This is my message? My answer? Be a good little wolf wife?" she rolled her eyes. "You have got to be kidding me," she snorted. She sat and watched the family feed. When all the pups were fed, they all stood and raced off into the amorphous forest on the edge of her vision.

Jake felt better after he had asked any Gods that were listening to help Leah. Sometimes he thought praying was just like sorting out your wish list in your head. You had to think about stuff before you knew what to pray for, right?

He went to the bathroom and washed his face and took a long hard look at himself in the mirror. He sighed; again, he was getting really sick of doing that.

It was another day, he had things to do.

He checked in with Bella in the kitchen.

"Are you home today?"

"I can be," she said. "Do you want me to stay with her? Paul can do some errands for me but I do need to buy groceries. He is hopeless at that," she rolled her eyes, "He never sticks to the list. Fills up the shopping cart with stuff he feels like eating at the time."

Jake chuckled. "I can imagine that. She'll be fine with him, when you need to shop." He drank some more coffee just to stay near Bella for a little bit longer.

"I need to do a patrol, check on my dad and I have heaps of work to do on a couple of mechanic jobs. Do you mind if I phone in and check on her occasionally?"

Bella beamed at him. She stood up and reached for him. "Give me a hug," she instructed.

He did; his long arms wrapped around and lifted her off the ground in his trademark Jake special hug. He could breathe easier now.

She kissed him gently with affection. "She'll snap out of it soon. I am sure of it." she kissed him again. "We will look after her for you Jake."

He jogged back home but hugging Bella made him realize something; he really missed her. He sighed. Fuck; again?

It was dark now and Leah caught sight of a fire burning in the distance. It has to be for her right? It's her dream. She makes her way through the trees. She is drawn to the fire both for light and warmth, and also for comfort.

She had been trying to listen to herself; trying to let her intuitive 'body-energy' awareness guide her. She made herself a rule: 'don't hang around in places that don't feel right: do hang around in places that do feel right.' It seemed to be working okay so far.

But she is not prepared for the sight that awaits her as she approaches the fire. A man is poking it with a stick. It is not until he turns around that she recognizes her father. She had honestly not expected it to be him. She is torn; she is desperate to run and hug him but she is not sure if that is against the rules. Is there a book? Miss Manners for dream etiquette?

She manages to speak, "Dad." It is only one word, but it holds all her heartbreak.

He looks as torn as she. "We cannot touch," he explains.

She shrugs. "I thought that might be the case."

"But, oh it does my heart good to see you," he tells her. "Please sit." He gestures at a log pulled up by the fire. "You must be thirsty." He hands her a water bottle. Their fingers almost touch.

"Are you my Yoda?" she asks him and is gratified to hear his familiar chuckle.

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." He chuckles again. "Did I get that right?"

She smiled. "Sounded good to me."

"So youngling," he continued, "Why are you here?"

She tried to think it through. "I've been so angry," she admitted.

Harry watched her. She got the impression that he was there to make it easier for her to talk, but he was not going to put words in her mouth. She had been mulling over this for some time and now it all seemed to come together.

"Jake made me his beta. He's the Alpha wolf now; the leader of the pack. Sam and Emily are expecting a child and I just cannot find it in myself to be happy for them. I am so angry with them. I don't know what do with myself. All I have is the pack and it is not enough."

"I'm lost," she almost wailed.

She looked into the fire; she couldn't stand to see the profound sympathy in her father's eyes.

She sighed. "Deep inside me is a big pool of anger; anger and," she paused, "...guilt."

He didn't respond.

"I killed you," she confessed.

"Oh, Leah," he breathed. "I never looked after myself, you know that… your mother was always on my back to eat more healthy food and to exercise properly and I didn't do it. I was a stupid man who won't see his grandchildren because I didn't listen to the woman who loves me. I left my two children at the time they needed me the most and I will never forgive myself for that." His voice caught in his throat.

"But it is not your fault. I had a ticking bomb in my chest and it could have gone off at any time. Please don't blame yourself. Please don't make me carry that too," he begged her.

"What do you mean?"

"If you can't forgive yourself, how will I ever forgive myself?" he asked her. "If you let this guilt ruin your life, that is an extra burden I would have to carry and it is too heavy."

She nodded.

"I think I understand."

They sat companionably for a while. Harry poked the fire again.

Leah smiled. He never could leave a fire alone; always had to be poking it or putting extra fuel on. No wonder her mother had rarely let him barbecue. It was a wonder he hadn't burnt the house down.

"What?" he queried.

"I was just thinking that you were more likely to burn yourself to death than have a heart attack."

His face didn't react and then he erupted with a sharp bark of laughter. They laughed together for ages.

He wiped at his eyes. "Oh, I needed that," he told her. "You take a nap and I will guard you while you sleep and keep the fire stoked." His eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Will you be here when I wake?"

He just shook his head. "But I will always be with you; you know that."

"I love you Dad."

"I love you Leah," he replied.

She settled herself on the ground and closed her eyes. She felt safe and warm and something inside her loosened just the tiniest bit.

FF_2154210_ - 22/11/2010 12:36:00 PM