Chapter Thirty-Nine
I didn't know what was going to happen, I didn't know what Draco wanted, or what he would let me do. I knew what my body was aching for, the same thing as every lonely fantasy back at Hogwarts had led me to. I wanted to make love to him, and it took every moral fiber of my being to keep from forcing myself on him, willing or not. It's not that I was evil, or that I wanted to hurt him, but it had been absolute torture watching him, touching him, wondering if I would ever have the chance to share the same intimacy he had given to me the last time we had been in London. The dichotomy in my head was killing me.
Kreacher had lit the everlasting candles in my room, just up the stairs from the twin guestrooms and so it was warm and bathed in amber light when I pushed the door opened. He had the linens turned down, and I could see a tower of fresh towels piled on the counter in the adjoining bathroom. There wasn't much in my bag in terms of clothing, so I simply set it down on the dresser. I didn't look to see where Draco had put his, I was too busy trying to breathe and keep calm.
When it put his hand on my shoulder I started, I hadn't even realized that he was that close to me. He pulled it back.
"What's wrong Harry?"
"Nothing."
"Pixie shit." The wizarding equivalent of 'bull-shit' apparently. "You've been distracted since we got on the train. Do you not want me here?"
"Of course I want you here Draco."
"Then what is going on?"
"I just want you Draco." I stared at him, trying to look right into his soul through those pale blue orbs. I felt small and inadequate, and petty right then.
"Aw Harry." I knew my lips were trembling, I was trying so hard, I didn't want him to comfort me. I wanted to be able to handle it myself. I didn't want to have to rely on someone else, not when the root of the issue was his pain. It wasn't right, but I didn't have the strength or the desire to pull away from him when he folded me into his arms. I took one long breath, to steady myself, then wrapped my arms around him and sought out his mouth to kiss him.
I left my shirt on the floor, my pants too, it 's not that I was generally a messy person, or that I knew that I now had Kreacher to look after such things for me, (Hermione would have hated to hear that), I just wanted it to be my home, my lifestyle, my mess. I'd get to it later, for once there weren't going to be any rules.
Draco's skin was warm and soft under mine as I ran my body over the length of his. Beneath him the quilts were crisp like new cotton is, and smooth, and just a little chilled, at least for a few minutes until our movements had brought heat to them all. I kissed everywhere I could lay my mouth to him, and I listened to him moan and sigh, and felt him arch for me. I was in control, in the best way.
I didn't want to say a word to him, I didn't want to offer to stop, I didn't want to take a chance that it all would end prematurely. So I took him in my hands, stroked him till he was as hard as I was and then I bent my head to him, taking him into my mouth, drawing on him, twirling my tongue around him till I knew that he had given himself up to me completely. His fingertips laced into my hair with no direction or fortitude, his cries said nothing but pleasure as I took him deeply, and forcefully. My hands rested on his hips; not with such pressure that he couldn't have broken away from me had he wanted to, but he didn't want to. I pulled my head back to watch his climax when I could tell by the tension under my fingers, that he was close. It was glorious to see him out of control, vulnerable, innocent, and mine.
It was he who rolled over for me, giving me the tacit permission to continue. The bottles of oil were in a bedside drawer, and I reached for one, pouring it out into my hands, warming it in my palm, and then dripping it, and painting it across his back, and finally down between his legs.
As I touched him I felt the tension ripple across his back, and not in the same way as he had responded to me before. The fear was still present, despite the willingness of his heart, and I knew I had to say something.
"Draco, it's not like before." I lay my body over his and wrapped my arms around his chest.
"I know." His voice was thin.
"It's absolutely different, it's something so much better." I chanced to brush myself against him, for despite his fear he had not pulled away from me. He trembled.
"I'm not him, it's not about power. It's about love." With a careful hand I pushed myself against him, and slid into his body slowly, slick with the oil that coated us both. We moaned together and I held him, staying still within him, waiting to see if he would run from me. But he didn't, he only pushed his hips back against me, forcing me deeper. I watched his back arch as he worked his body over me, and I couldn't help but join in the rhythm he was creating, and he gave over the movement to me. Holding his hips I worked myself back and forth into his body, loving the feel of him, hot and strong, wrapped around me, pulling me ever closer to my climax with every thrust.
I drew it out as long as could, not wanting to lose the feeling, until it came upon me, like a wave, more intense than any before. It felt like my heart had stopped between beats and I was caught between breaths as a sharp, encompassing warmth, which had been building in my core, flooded forward as I reached my peak and clutched at Draco with every ounce of strength that I could find conscious control over.
We lay quietly for a few minutes, as always, not speaking, just breathing together, his back pressed to my chest, the way we had rolled after I had pulled away from him, spent. I kissed the back of his neck softly, over the pale blond hair that had fallen over it. With a trembling hand, I stroked his side, down past his waist to rest on his hip, pulling him into me, even though I didn't have the energy to do anything but enjoy the feeling of the intimate closeness. His hand covered mine, squeezing it, I felt him relax into me finally. I felt a comfortable shudder run through his body, he'd yawned and it brought one to my lips as well.
"Are you okay Draco? Do you need anything?"
"Would it be alright if I had a shower Harry?"
"Of course. There are fresh towels in the bathroom and lots of hot water. Do you want me to get you a drink or anything?"
"I'd like it if you'd come with me."
Waking up beside him just felt right. His features were softened by the fatigue that had taken us both the night before, and there was no trace of fear or sorrow, or anything but peace as I watched him sleep. I tried not to move, so I wouldn't disturb him. Eventually though, he did wake up, a blissful smile on his face, it made me feel really good about everything that had happened the night before. And for the first time ever I think I felt then that we really were lovers.
We spent the day decorating the house, with the center point being a huge Christmas tree that Kreacher had organized somehow for us. He produced boxes of the most sparkling, glowing, gaudy decorations I'd ever seen, and they were perfect. Our terribly tacky, but absolutely ideal Christmas tree was mostly decorated by about two in the afternoon, and the smile on Kreacher's face said it all. He was beyond gleeful, he was practically floating, and then he decided that we needed far more tinsel and he sent the both of us out to find it.
We had the choice of heading to Diagon Alley or to the Muggle shops, and we chose the Muggle ones, out of a sense of adventure, and a real sense of being on vacation, and because we had to call Melody, and that would be the only place we'd be able to find a telephone.
Draco continued to be amazed by the Muggle world. Commerce was no different; pick out your product and then get in line to pay for it, and while the coins had different names, they still did the same thing. It was just hard to keep his mind on the task as he continued to stare around at everyone and everything unashamedly. It was like shopping with a five year old; but truth be told, it made me see the wonder of it all anew, and since my own experiences with Muggle Christmas had been rather dismal, I enjoyed it all with him.
If he had been enchanted by the shopping mall, he was thoroughly floored by the telephone. He held the bags while I dug out the right change, and the crumpled bit of paper with Melody's number on it. She answered on the third ring, and I am sure even Draco could hear her exuberant greeting, despite that fact that the receiver was pushed up against my ear and not his.
She insisted we meet her for drinks and dancing that night and gave me directions to the club, saying she'd meet us out front at nine. I don't know that I was even able to get a word in edgewise as she went on about how much fun this place was, and how we were going to love it. Draco didn't have much choice but agree to the plan, because she'd rung off before I could even ask him if he wanted to go. He shrugged his shoulders and sighed, and we both decided that if we were going clubbing, that we had better get something to wear.