Chapter Forty-Three

"Are you embarrassed by me Harry?" Draco had been mostly silent since Kreacher had met us at the door, inquiring if we wanted some breakfast. I knew I needed more sleep to even begin to settle my stomach before I tried to eat anything. I'd gone upstairs, and Draco had followed me, right into the master bedroom, watching as I shucked off my clothes and left them in an untidy heap. All I wanted was a shower, and maybe to have someone oblivate me so I didn't have to think about what I'd done. And then Draco had asked his question and I'd stopped in my tracks.

Turning to him, I tried to answer. "No Draco, I'm not embarrassed by you."

"Then by us being lovers?"

"No Draco, none of that."

"Then why would you say what you did, and do what you did?"

"It's no one's business but ours what we feel for each other Draco, and I will not have our relationship sold to the Prophet, or become fodder for gossip. We have survived enough you and I, and we deserve to be left in peace." I felt my voice becoming shrill, and I almost tasted the fear and frustration behind the words. Selfishly I did not want to go through what I had been through before, when no one believed me about Voldemort except Ron and Hermione and Dumbledore. I didn't want to be the butt of jokes, or stares or accusations. I just wanted to live my life for me, finally. And I was scared for Draco. We had done so much to protect his secrets, his mother, his sister, and his own rape at the hands of a monster. I would not allow anyone to even begin digging into his life. It was hard enough to manage with people knowing him as a Death Eater, or the son of a Death Eater, but to then cast dispersions on him. I stopped myself. Why should it be seen as dispersion, being with me, with another man? Was I really as altruistic as I was making myself out to be?

Doubt was a horrible thing.

"What do you feel for me then Harry?"

I looked at him, ice blue eyes, hair threatening to hide them again, pale skin, ruby mouth, hands trembling, I so didn't want him to be afraid of me.

"I love you Draco. Those weren't just words before."

His eyes looked so liquid just then.

"I just want something in my life to be private, something just for me, and you, no curses or prophecies or anything else."

"Do we have to hide it forever?"

"No Draco, no, just let's get finished school, let's get out on our own."

He sighed, perhaps not completely happy just then with my ideas, perhaps just resigned to them. I really did think it was the best way to go.

"Draco? What do want me to do?"

"I don't know Harry." He forced a smile onto his face. "But try not to be too angry at Melody. She's not that different than us; just trying to find a place were she can be herself and not what anyone else expects her to be."

I didn't understand how he could be so forgiving, and I told him as much, but not in an unkind way, more with wonder. He explained it to me.

"I'm just tired Harry, tired of fighting, tired of hiding, tired of being angry, and tired of how it eats away at me. I want the same kind of peace you do, but I am beyond fighting for it any more. It doesn't mean I'm giving up Harry. I just don't want to be angry with anyone anymore. If I can forgive, maybe people can forgive me."

All I wanted to do just then was hug him but I felt frozen, still sick to my stomach, but now because of how small and petty and evil I suddenly felt. If someone had told me four months earlier that I would be standing in my bedroom feeling more evil than Draco Malfoy I would never have believed them. Of course that was four months ago, and now it was horribly true. All I could do was stand there; arms limp at my sides and whisper another apology.

"I did it for you Draco."

That brought him to me immediately, and where I could not do it, he wrapped his arms around me and nearly crushed me. I could not believe that he was comforting me when all I had wanted was for it to be the other way around. I started to cry, I was just so overwhelmed with everything.

I woke up a few hours later on my bed; all the emotions had come to a peak and robbed me of everything. I think Draco must have put me there and drawn the covers over me at some point. He wasn't in the room when I opened my eyes, but I didn't feel a sense of panic right then. I got up slowly, spread the quilt back carefully; it felt good to be careful, and got to my feet. Kreacher had left a pile of fluffy towels in the bathroom, and I turned on the shower, ready to wash away everything, and then wrap myself in one of the beautiful, thick white towels. The warm water felt great, so did the steam filled room, it seemed so contained and safe, and I took the opportunity to linger there.

When I did finally emerge, wrapped in the towel, feeling human again, I found Draco waiting, and a table with lunch, and a bottle of wine, clean clothes laid out and the bed made up. He was smiling, not looking at me with pity, or disgust, and it made me feel so much better about myself finally, better than I had felt since I had walked in on Melody's conversation. I still didn't know exactly how I was going to deal with her, or her sister for that matter, but I at least felt capable of doing it again, as myself.

We had a nice lunch, avoiding the subject of what had transpired the previous night, instead going over our lists of what might still need to be purchased for the holiday celebration. It was light and fun discussing our favorite foods, and our comfort foods, and how wicked we felt enjoying wine with lunch.

When the knock on the door came it was just past eight thirty in the morning. I had expected guests early, and had gotten up early, and Draco had joined me, which I thought was very courageous of him considering who it was likely to be. I put a smile on my face; not that I wasn't glad to have the Weasleys in my home, they'd been my only real family, but I was apprehensive just the same.

Molly was standing there, scarf bundled around her neck, trailing into the snow, a brown paper sac in her hands. Her cheeks were red, and her eyes glowing, and she practically squealed my name as she saw me. Arthur looked decidedly different. Loaded down with parcels and more brown sacs, his own usually well placed scarf and robes looked in a bit of disarray and his eyes seemed a little red rimmed. The yawn he could not hide because his hands were full told the story of how Molly had likely pulled him out of bed bright and early on his holiday to make him dress and collect parcels, and finally journey to London. I felt bad for him, though her enthusiasm definitely balanced the scales.

"Harry!" She tried to hug me around the bag in her arms, which was awkward, but she managed. "How are you my boy?" At least she didn't mention that I'd grown since I'd last seen her.

"Come in everyone. Arthur." I stuck out my hand to shake his, "so good to see you," amidst the bags.

"Good to see you as well Harry." His words were livelier than his appearance, but his grip was still strong.

"I expect you'll be wanting to see the kitchen then Molly?" She practically beamed at me, for her the kitchen was the heart of any home.

"I could show her Harry?" Draco had emerged from the dinning room, where we'd been enjoying our coffee and croissants. I hadn't quite expected him to come out just then, but I was glad he had.

"Hello Draco." Molly kept up her smile. She didn't rush to hug him, but I thought it might have been better that way. Arthur echoed her greeting in a tone just above flat. I had known it wasn't going to be easy, but I appreciated that everyone was trying.

"I can help you with all your things, for the kitchen if you like?" He half held out his own hand.

"Well that would be just fine, thank you Draco." And Molly handed him the bag she was carrying. He smiled nervously.

"Arthur, why don't I show you up to your room. You can check out the bedding and make sure everything is all right for you and Molly." It was my way of offering him the chance to lie back down for a while and have a nap, and he understood with a thankful nod of his head. He put down the remaining groceries and supplies Molly had packed, and took up their bags to the room. I closed the door behind me when I left. When we next saw him a few hours later, he seemed decidedly more chipper.

I went back to the kitchen to join Molly and Draco. She had him organizing some bake ware. I'd given Kreacher the day off, though he'd not been happy about it at the beginning. I promised him that Christmas Breakfast would be his entire domain to impress everyone with, and that he would always be in charge of nibbles and drinks. It seemed to appease him, and after he'd made coffee for us that morning he disappeared to his own room to look at some of the picture books I'd bought him. Perhaps he even had a nap?

"So where's Ginny?" I asked politely, I'd expected her to travel with her parents.

"Oh, she'll be along later, probably with Ron and Hermione. She said she had a bit more shopping to do, so we left them all in bed this morning. They'll be along after lunch I expect. Draco, be a good lad and pop this in the icebox will you?" She handed him a batter bowl filled with cream.

"Yes Ma'am."

"Oh, and you'd best just call me Molly from now on."

That comment made me very hopeful.