Chapter 6 – Emotional Pain

Lucius Malfoy was standing elegantly at the door to the room, looking very much like he owned the place, apart from the continuous sneer that was on his face as he looked around the room. It was obvious that he wasn't very impressed with it.

'Do not lie to me Severus. We both know that to you I am neither unexpected nor a pleasure.' He stalked into the room and to Harry's surprise came and sat down next to him, rather than next to Snape.

His eyes surveyed the board steadily. 'Oh dear, you are in trouble here, aren't you Harry?'

Harry couldn't speak. Hearing his first name come out of Lucius Malfoys mouth so jovially was a bigger shock than seeing Snape laughing. He could only stare at him bug-eyed.

Lucius picked up one of Harry's pawns and stroked it absently. It made a soft purring noise at the attention.

'I hope you're not going to lead all the aurors to my house, Lucius.' Snape said.

'I wasn't followed. You know how careful I am. In any case I need a place to stay for a few days.'

'Well you can't stay here.' Snape said firmly. 'I need time alone with my son, so that I might … get to know him better.' He smirked slightly at Harry.

'And I'm running away from a Dementors kiss so forgive me if I think my problem is a little more important than yours at the moment.'

'Do you think I give a fuck—'

'Language Severus. Is that any way to talk around your son? I will take the spare room, I'm sure you can transfigure another bed.'

With that he got up and glided gracefully to the door of the room Harry had been using. As he got to the door he stopped and turned around. 'I would move your queen if I were you, Harry. I think she is in grave danger.'

---------

The chess pieces lay forgotten, none them were in their rightful places any more, most were not even on the table. Snape was pacing back and forth across the room muttering to himself and cursing colourfully.

'He can not stay here.' He mumbled to himself then he turned to Harry. 'You will stay away from him, you hear.' Harry nodded mutely. 'Do not talk to him unless he asks you something specifically and even then keep your answer short and to the point. If you don't think you can answer without saying something stupid then claim ignorance or deafness. I don't care what you tell him as long as you don't mess this up for us!'

Harry had shrunken back into the couch during this rant. 'Does he know Occlumency?' He asked worriedly.

'Yes he knows Occlumency but that's not what you should be asking. You should be asking if he knows Legilimency and fortunately for us the answer is no.'

'So he can't access my thoughts?' Harry asked.

'That is correct.'

'Why can't you just tell him no? It's your house and if you don't want him here then he has no right to be here.' Harry ranted. He couldn't help feeling very uneasy around Lucius and he wondered, not for the first time, when he had stopped feeling uneasy around Snape.

'Did you not just listen to what went on just now, he completely ignored what I said.'

'Then make him listen.'

Snapes lip curled. 'If you think you can do it then you try.' He said

'Fine. I will.' Harry said determinately. 'And he got up and walked steadily towards the room Lucius had just disappeared into. After each stop he expected Snape would stop him but after a while he realised that he had no intention of doing so.

Harry's steps faltered as he realised the outrageousness of what he was about to do. He turned back to see Snape smirking at him widely. I'll show him. He thought as he turned back and knocked loudly on the door.

'It opened within a few seconds and Lucius Malfoy was standing there in all his elegance. It was obvious that he had been expecting Snape and not Harry to be at the door but he still managed to look down his nose at him.

Harry hesitated for a second thinking, what am I doing, but then he plunged right in.

'Look my father might be too scared to say anything,' he heard a scoff from behind him but carried on regardless. 'But I'm not. We don't want you here. It has to be a secret that I'm here and you are putting us in danger. If the aurors find me here there will be a lot of questions asked that I don't need at the moment. Plus we are trying to get to know each other and you interrupted a perfectly exciting game of chess where I was lulling Severus here into a false sense of security.'

There was another guffaw from behind and even Lucius smirked.

'But for Merlins sake,' he turned back to Snape in anger. 'Why aren't you stopping me?' He said to him.

'It was proving to be too amusing to stop you.' Snape replied, then he turned to Lucius. 'You may stay the night Lucius but no longer, and DON'T push me.' He warned. 'Come Harry.' And he beckoned him out into the living room.

'Pick up the chess pieces.' Snape said, sitting down on the couch.

Harry obediently got down on his hands and knees to pick them up. 'I'm sorry.' He said to the floor. 'I don't know what came over me. I was just expecting you to stop me at any time.'

I was debating it.' Snape said, sipping some wine. 'But you did quite well. I thought if you did shout at Lucius it would only make him think I have been more influential on you then he'd have hoped. It's the type of thing I would have done.'

'Shall we call it a draw then?' Harry asked, nodding towards the now empty chess board.

'No we most certainly shall not and for God sake are you a muggle or a wizard?'

'What?' Harry asked in confusion.

'There are much easier and less demeaning ways of picking up fallen chess pieces you know.' And with that he flicked his wand and the chess pieces piled themselves neatly back onto the board. With another flick of his wand the board zoomed back into the cupboard it had come from. 'You still think like a muggle, that is something else we will have to remedy.'

Harry just nodded sullenly before sitting down on the couch opposite Snape. 'I didn't know you had a spare room.' Harry said, changing the subject suddenly.

'I didn't.' Snape replied but you'd have to sleep somewhere and you're not sleeping in my bed again.'

'Oh, thanks, I guess. But you know my back is still hurting a bit—'

'Liar.' Snape said.

Harry sighed in defeat and then started picking at his trousers in nervousness and took a quick glance up at Snape before turning away quickly.

'What is it boy? Spit it out quickly before you fray those things you call trousers. I see we will have to go shopping too.'

Harry ignored Snapes comment about his clothes. 'I was just wandering whether I would be able to maybe… write to Ron and Hermione. You know just to tell them that I'm safe and fine and that I'm going after the Horcruxes.'

Harry held his breath while Snape seemed to mull this over. 'I'm sure you could find a safe way to send it.' He carried on hopefully. The fact that Snape wasn't saying no straight off was a good sign.

'I'd have to read it first to make sure you haven't written anything stupid as you are likely to do.' Harry gritted his teeth at that comment but kept quiet. 'And you certainly couldn't use your blasted owl.'

'I couldn't anyway.' Harry replied. 'Hedwig is at the Burrow. At least I hope she is, that's another thing I'll have to ask Ron.'

'Ask him what's happening with the school as well.' Snape told him. 'Whether it is opening again. I assume it is but it's very hard for me to get information at the moment.'

Harry nodded, a big grin on his face as he assumed by that that Snape was allowing it. Harry got up eagerly to go to his room before realising that Lucius was now in it, scowling slightly he sat back down again.

You may use my office for now.' Snape told him. 'There should be everything there you need but don't you dare touch anything else. I'm going to go have a long-overdue talk with Lucius then I want to carry on your training.' Harry groaned a little too loudly and Snape glared at him before stalking off, not even bothering to knock on the door before opening it and walking in.

Harry sighed as he went off towards the office- if you could even call it that, small as it was. He knew that the faster he learnt everything he needed to know then the sooner he could get out of this miserable place. But he also knew that the days of Harry Potter were gone.

When he finally was able to leave, even if it was even just to go shopping, it would only be with the glamour taken off and nobody even knew how to do that yet. He would have minded researching it himself, if only to take his mind off everything else.

He sat down heavily at the desk and pulled a piece of parchment towards him, then started searching for quill and ink. He found some in the draw, taking care not to look at anything else that was in there. He could have sworn he had seen one of Fred and Georges fake wands.

He was extremely surprised to find that Snapes room was a bit of a mess as he had always thought of Snape as being very organised. He chewed the end of the quill while trying to think of what to say and then realised that he probably shouldn't be doing that to something of Snape's.

Now, what to say?

Dear Ron and Hermione,

How are you? I'm doing well. At the moment I'm living with two Death Eaters, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy- you may have heard of them. It's been rather interesting so far. I would have lost a rather entertaining game of chess with Snape if he hadn't knocked all the pieces to the floor in a rage and then started pacing up and down the room hissing out every swear word ever invented in a variety of languages. I suppose it was a good thing, he really was thrashing me. Maybe you should play him Ron, you'd be a good match for him- but bring your own chess set.

Anyway I did what I have been wanting to do since I met the slimy bastard and told Lucius exactly what I thought of him, I more or less told him to piss off and I didn't get in trouble for it. How cool is that? I have also been getting lessons in table manners so now I know which cutlery to use for which course. You wouldn't believe how good a cook Snape is.

Tonight I have to sleep on another transfigured couch because Lucius took the one meant for me. Snape is going to sit by me and watch me get ready to sleep so he can help me clear my mind. He's such a kind, considerate person and I'm sure the back-handed slap round the face he gave me was purely accidental.

Oh, and did I mention that Snape is my father?

So, what's happening with you two then?

Maybe not!

----------

About half an hour later Harry stumbled back into the main room, rubbing his eyes furiously. He must have gone through five or sixes versions of the letter before he settled on one. As went over to the couch he placed the letter down on the table. Snape was obviously still conversing with Lucius but he had left a book on the table.

Harry picked it up as he flopped down onto the couch. Occlusion- Protecting your mind from external invasion. Harry read the title. He couldn't help rolling his eyes, why couldn't he have left him The top 100 cheats used in professional Quidditch and how to use them effectively that Harry had been in the middle of before he was most annoyingly abducted. He supposed it may have been because that book was supposedly illegal. Fred and George had got it for him of course.

But then this was Severus Snape Harry was thinking about and it wasn't as if he didn't own any illegal books.

It was about half an hour later when Harry was feeling rather sleepy that Snape came barrelling into the room, face like a storm cloud. 'That stuck up arrogant piece of shit.'

Harry looked up from his book in astonishment. It always amused him when Snape swore but he wasn't quite sure why.

'What's he done?' Harry asked eagerly, actually welcoming some gossip.

Snape just glared at Harry like everything was his fault- no change there then. 'Nothing.' He replied and then predictably went over to the drinks cabinet.

He poured out two glasses of Firewhiskey again and handed one to Harry. Snape wasn't so delicate about drinking it this time but Harry decided that this wasn't the time to mention it. He wasn't quite sure what he thought of his relationship with Snape. There was no way he could think of him as anything like his father but he had to grudgingly admit he was starting to trust him.

Snape picked up Harry's letter and started reading while taking a few more dignified sips of his drink. The last sip unfortunately was not swallowed and was spewed across the table in a rather undignified manner.

'What the fucking hell is this? I'm living with two Death Eaters?'

Harry's eyes widened as he realised just what Snape was reading. He tried to snatch it away but Snape was too quick for him, he got up and started pacing up and down the room again reading the letter. 'I don't swear in different languages…' He trailed off for a moment as he read some more. 'And I am certainly not a kind considerate person, although it is true that I'm a good cook…and I was certainly thrashing you…'

Harry could have sworn that he could see Snape lips twist up as if he was trying not to smile but then it was gone and he threw the piece of parchment into the fire. 'What the hell were you thinking?' He said, turning on Harry. 'If anyone else had read that.'

'It was a joke.' Harry spoke for the first time, trying to placate him. 'I wasn't going to send it at all I was just…you know…writing down my thoughts and stuff.'

'Writing down your thoughts.' Snape mimicked. 'Your mind is the place for that, not pieces of paper that anyone could read. Can you imagine what would have happened if I had picked that up without looking at it and sent it off?'

'Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Here…' Harry picked up the other role of parchment and handed it to Snape. 'This is the real one. Is that okay?' The last comment came out half sarcastically and half worriedly, which Harry thought perfectly summed up his split feelings towards Snape.

Snape sat down heavily on the couch and started reading, making loud hmphing noises at some points and a few eye rolls at others. 'I suppose it will do.' He said rolling it up and tapping it with his wand to seal it.

'It may take a few days to find a secure way of sending this.' Snape carried on and he put the scroll into his pocket. 'Now, I don't think trying any more Occlumency right now will do you the least bit of good and I'm not in the habit of wasting my time. But there is something very important you will have to learn.

Harry hid is grimace by taking a sip of firewhiskey, which made him grimace anyway. 'What's that? How to win at chess?'

Snape guffawed. 'Trying to teach you that would be a waste of both our times.'

'Hey I'm not that bad, am I?'

'Do you want me to answer that?'

Harry just shook his head dolefully.

'What you desperately need to know is how to act and what to say around the Dark Lord.'

Harry paled considerably.

'Or more likely how not to act and what not to say.' Snape continued. 'Knowing you and your ability to put your foot in you mouth as soon as it is opened I don't think it can be too early to teach you this.

'Now just suppose you have mustered Occlumency so you don't have to worry about what's in you mind. The most obvious thing is that you have to bow at his feet when you first enter a room.

Harry made a face of disgust.

'It's okay to feel that way at first.' Snape told him. 'The Dark Lord won't expect you to do this naturally at first. As I said, the bond grows in time. So it is expected that you will be hesitant and even a bit repulsed but you will still have to do it because I will have told you to do so. The bond is stronger between parent and child then it is between Master and servant.'

'So Voldemort will expect me to do exactly what you say, more than him.'

'Yes. And that's another thing, when talking to him you will call him "Master" or "My Lord." When talking about him you will call him "The Dark Lord." Do not let me ever catch you speaking his name or anything else around him or his servants.'

'Yes sir. What should I call you?'

'That will depend.' Snape said, taking another sip of his drink. 'On who we are with. If we are in the presence of the Dark Lord he will expect you to treat me with respect bordering on fear. In that respect you should always call me Sir.'

'Does he believe that you would treat me like he treats his servants, with painful punishments and all that?'

'Yes and most parents do with their children. He will expect you to think of me as a kind of master but under no circumstances should you call me Master because he is the only one who should be called that.'

'Oh, but of course.' Harry said cheekily.

'You better watch your mouth young man.' Snape said sternly. 'This is not a game we're playing here. And I am not averse to using crucio as punishment on my children either.'

Harry gulped in nervousness, he wouldn't put anything past the man. He took another sip of his drink, wincing as it went down his throat but realising all the while that he was getting used to it.

'When we are around other Death Eaters you will call me Severus at first. After a few months they will probably expect you to start calling me Father, but never call me Dad.'

Harry grimaced at the thought of Calling Snape 'Father'.

'When around other people you don't know you may call me either Severus or Sir but always treat me with respect.'

'I will if you'll do the same to me.' Harry said without thinking, then winced at the thought of what Snape would come back with.

'If the circumstance permits it.' Snape said, surprising Harry. 'But sometimes I have to treat you like—'

Suddenly a few things seemed to happen at once. Harry's scar flared up with pain, Snape's eyes widened and he clenched at his forearm and there was an almost inaudible gasp heard from inside the room where Lucius was. It didn't take a genius to work out what had happened.

'You see your scar is better even then the mark the other bonding children are given.' Snape said, through gritted teeth. 'Their marks do not let them know when they are being called like our ones do.' Just before the door to Lucius Malfoy's room opened Snape hissed. 'I want you to continue to read your book and don't even think about going to bed until I get back. We can't waste any more time.'

At that moment Lucius came out of his room, eyes clouded in pain, gripping his death eater mask in his hand.

'Go.' Snape said to him. 'I will collect my robes and follow.'

Harry heard two doors slam at once as Snape went into his room and Lucius went out the front door. He sat there a moment in a daze, wandering whether they normally had Death Eater meetings so close together.

A few moments later Snape came barrelling back out with his robe half on. He glanced wearily at Harry. 'Don't touch anything?'

'Yes sir.' Harry replied automatically, going into Dursley mode.

'I take it you can cook a little.' Harry nodded. 'Good, make something for yourself but try not to burn anything for God's sake.' He got to the door. 'And don't you dare fall asleep.'

Before Harry had time to respond Snape was already out the door.

Harry sighed and decided to take advantage of the empty house by taking a shower. Harry never learnt how but Snape had somehow managed to collect his belongings from the Dursleys.

He collected some clean clothes and made his way to the bathroom, still feeling as if he was intruding in someone else's house, even though he knew he'd be spending more time here the he could ever imagine. Afterwards he would read some more of the book and then cook himself some dinner. He actually blanched at the thought of wanting Snape here to cook for him.

----------

He was woken, rather suddenly and painfully with a hard tug on his hair.

'Ow.' He said, rubbing his scalp where it had been pulled. 'He looked up to find Snape standing over him, looking very irate. Harry's eyes widened. 'Um… oops.' He said quietly.

'Oops doesn't quite cover it.' Snape said just as quietly but very dangerously.

'Well you took so long … what time is it anyway?'

'It is twelve thirty and I wouldn't care if it was four in the morning, if I told you to stay up then you stay up. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?'

'Okay, okay. What's got up your arse?'

'Oh nothing much, just that the Dark Lord wants to see you at the next meeting.' Snape smirked as Harry paled. 'Now, does that sound like a problem to you?'

'Yes.' Harry croaked, suddenly finding it hard to find his voice.

'Good. At least we are both on the same wavelength here.'

Harry stood up and started pacing, hoping he wasn't picking this up from Snape. 'How often does he call a meeting?' He asked.

'Ususally about once a month and he calls a big one for all Death Eaters and potential Death Eaters once every four months. The last time he called one of those was over three months ago so in all likelihood…' Snape didn't have to finish his sentence as Harry paled even further, now looking very much the pallor of Snape himself.

'What - what do we do?' Harry said, his mind in a jumble and his heart racing. He felt like it might stop beating at any second from the shock and fear of it all.

'We take drastic measures in your Occlumency training. You're not going to like it but I'm sure you realise by now that I don't give a shit about that. Now come, Lucius has vacated the premises so you can have your room back.'

'He has? Why?' Harry asked, walking behind Snape to his room.

'Because he didn't have the Dark Lord's permission to reside here. I told the Dark Lord that he was getting in the way of the two of us bonding and he made Lucius leave.' Harry's relief was shown in his face.

'I see we will also have to teach you to mask your emotions.' Snape continued. 'The bad part is that the Dark Lord has given permission for Lucius to come and check up on us now and again. And I don't expect he will be the only one.'

'I thought the Dark Lord trusted you?' Harry said, sitting on the bed with a soft bump.

'He does. It's you he wants to keep an eye on.' Harry made a hmph noise as he took off his glasses and got into bed.

Snape left the room a moment and came back in carrying a potion. He set it down on the bedside table.

'That isn't dreamless sleep.' Harry said wearily.

'For once in your life you're right.' Snape paused a moment and looked at Harry solemnly. Then, pronouncing each word slowly and carefully, he carried on. 'It's a potion I made myself, it dulls the effect of the cruciatus curse.'

Harry's eyes widened and he clutched at the bed covers. 'And just why would need to use that?' He asked, his voice higher than he ever thought possible.

'Because I'm going to cast it on you, why else?'

Harry started shaking uncontrollably. He opened his mouth a few times to say something but nothing was coming out and his mouth felt very dry. He started taking in big gulps of air instead because it felt like he couldn't breath, his throat seemed to close up.

Then Snape backhanded him across the face for the second time in a matter of days. Beautiful air full his lungs and he actually choked on it a few times before he was able to regulate how much if it was going in. The slap was not nearly as hard as the last one and this time Harry realised the need for it so he didn't complain- at least not about that.

'Please…' He said instead. 'Please…' He couldn't think of any other words to use to show his distaste of Snape's plan.

'Listen to me boy.' Snape said, leaning down so he was only inches away from Harry's face. 'The situation calls for drastic measures, you will not be under the curse for very long and believe me when I say there are a lot worse things then the crucriatus curse.' He leant back again and looked at Harry shrewdly.

'Now,' he continued, 'How many times have you had the curse cast on you?'

'Twice.' Harry muttered, picking at his bed covers.

'And what were you thinking of when it happened?'

'The pain.' Dur!

'What else?'

'Just the pain.' Harry said.

'So while under the curse the only thing going through you mind was pain?'

'Yes.' Harry said, getting a bit flustered now.

'And you weren't thinking of anything else at all?'

Snape looked at Harry in a way that made him think he was missing something. Then suddenly it came to him.

'Oh!'

'Oh, indeed.' Snape replied. 'Shall we?'

'No.' Harry said stubbornly.

'Good.' Snape replied. 'Prepare yourself.'

The pain seemed even worse then before and Harry couldn't believe it when Snape told him he was only under the curse for five seconds.

'More like five minutes.' Harry replied.

'Okay, were you able to think of anything else?'

'No.' Harry said, still shaking from the after-effects. Snape wouldn't let him have the potion until they had completely finished.

'And I distinctly remember you telling me that you could never clear your mind, hmm.' Snape said.

'It's not completely clear, I still feel pain.'

'Pain is an emotion which is why you feel it but you don't think it. You don't think of anything and this is what I'm trying to show. This time I want you to fall into the emotion so much so that even when I let up on the curse you can still feel the pain, you can still remember what it's like.'

'How do I do that?' Harry asked.

'I'm going to hold the curse a little while longer and instead of trying to distance yourself from the pain, which is an instinct reaction, I want you to embrace it, feel it all around you, turn it into something higher than yourself.

'It is what I do but not to help clear my mind, it helps me to put up with it. You would think it would make it worse but it doesn't. When you become part of the emotion you find it easier to deal with it and you are so focused on it that you do not even find the need to scream.'

'I will always scream.' Harry said.

'I will teach you not to.'