Harry didn't notice when he fell asleep from exhaustion. He half remembered Snape pouring the potion down his throat a moment before he lost all consciousness. His brain was hazy and his mind filled with a foggy sense of some distant pain. That was all.
He had fallen asleep feeling nothing but that. He slept more peacefully then he had ever remembered doing before, had no dreams, no visions, no tossing or turning. But he did wake up, suddenly, absolutely, and for no reason at all, in the middle of the night. And for the life of him he could not get back to sleep.
Stumbling into the kitchen he got himself a drink of water, giggled a bit when he accidentally knocked an oven timer on the floor then jerked when he heard Snape's voice come floating through from the main room.
'Who's there?'
When Harry entered the room Snape was sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in one hand and a thick book in the other, gazing back over his shoulder at Harry.
'Don't you ever sleep?' Harry asked.
'I do if I feel like it.' Snape replied. 'Why aren't you sleeping?'
'Because I woke up.' Harry said, stating the obvious. 'And couldn't get back to sleep again.' He felt he had better add before Snape could get out one of his famous insults.
'Come.' Snape said, nodding towards the couch and shocking Harry with his attitude, not for the first time that day.
Harry came and sat down next to Snape, who poured another glass of wine out for him. Harry found that it tasted much better than the firewhiskey, fruity and sweet. He took a few more sips of it and they both lapsed into silence, staring at the fire.
Harry really didn't know what to say or how to act around Snape because he had such differing personalities. He would cast an extremely painful curse on him but then he would also relieve the pain and more or less tuck him into bed. Harry remembered that vividly. He knew he was starting to trust Snape as other things about the last year that he hadn't thought about came back to him. Lucius Malfoy on the other hand made Harry feel distinctly uncomfortable.
'I'm glad Malfoy's gone.' Harry finally ventured to say.
Snape snorted. 'I would expect so. He was far too interested in you to make even me nervous. But I was amused at your little talk with him, his face was fucking priceless.'
Harry laughed slightly at the way Snape had said that.
'What's so funny?' Snape asked, suddenly very suspicious.
'Nothing.' Harry said quickly. 'It doesn't matter.'
'If it didn't matter then I wouldn't have asked, would I?' Snape said, gritting his teeth.
'Well … it's just … the swearing.' He glanced at Snape quickly but couldn't discern any form of emotion on it. 'I don't know why I think it's funny, maybe because when you were my teacher you obviously didn't swear. You'd tell other students off when they'd swear and all this time, behind closed doors, you've got the dirtiest mouth of the lot of us.'
'Even your Weasley friend?' Snape asked with a raised eyebrow.
Harry blushed. 'Well, maybe the same as him.'
Snape poured himself another glass of wine and Harry could see that he looked slightly amused. The other thing he had found was that Snape was a lot more accepting of things he said to him now then he had been when he was his teacher, although you could never be too sure of his mood. He would still shout at him sometimes but Harry found it didn't have the same effect on him anymore, since he had first seen Snape laugh.
'I swore at a student once, when I first started teaching.' Snape said, gazing at the wall. 'It was my second year and she was the tinniest first year I'd ever seen. Her potions skills…' Snape shook his head slowly. 'Worse than yours.' He glanced at Harry. 'Anyway one time during a detention I lost my temper, swore at her without really realising I had done so. So of course she went and told the headmaster.'
'Uh oh.' Harry said.
Snape smiled. 'He gave me a right bollocking.' Harry burst out laughing but Snape didn't seem to mind this time. 'The worst I'd ever had until you turned up.'
'Why me?'
'Because with you around there was a lot more to give me a bollocking about. How I was too hard on you, how you were just a child, how I treated you more unfairly than the others, how that punishment was too harsh and how you were actually saving the school even if you did break about five hundred rules in the process. How I had it in for you and I should realise that you are not like your father—'
'Well that one's definitely true.' Harry interrupted.
'Judging by your potions skills especially-or lack of them.'
They were silent again for a few moments but it was a comfortable silence. Harry sipped his drink again and again wondered when Snape and comfortable had been able to be put into the same sentence.
'I know this isn't an ideal situation for you.' Snape said softly.
'I know it isn't for you either.' Harry replied, glancing at Snape while he sipped his wine. 'You've had to change everything, give up your job, friends, freedom…'
Snape snorted. 'It doesn't take an Hermione Granger to see that I never liked my job and my colleagues can be called acquaintances at the most. Also what freedom do you have when you're a spy for both sides?'
Harry shrugged a little uncomfortably. 'At least you weren't running from one side.'
'I was always running, I assure you. Also it is more dangerous now that it is the side I am not on that believes in me. If I am found out I will have nowhere to turn. The only person on the side of the light that knows I am not a real Death Eater- apart from you- is Minerva.'
'How come?' Harry asked.
'Albus told her.' Harry was about to say something when Snape carried on. 'His portrait did anyway. She has been my source of information these last few days. Don't worry, she doesn't know about you.'
'I wasn't worried about that.' Harry replied. 'I just didn't think he would tell her. I didn't think you would want her to know.'
'I'd rather no one know, it's safer that way. But if someone has to she is probably the best.'
'What, the head of Gryffindor?'
'Yes, what's so surprising about that. We are closer than most people think. She did teach me you know. Our rivalry goes as far as play arguments about who's going to win the Quidditch cup and a few real arguments about you.'
Harry went to ask what but Snape waved his hand to stop him. 'Same sort of thing as Albus always said. But we had a friendly chess competition going on in the staff room during the school year.'
'I bet you always won.' Harry said gloomily.
'No, not everyone is as awful as you. We were quite evenly matched. I think she won last years by one but I won for three years before that.'
'Ron would beat you both at the same time.' Harry said a little spitefully.
'I don't doubt it.' Snape replied. 'I'm certainly not an expert.'
Harry knew that was meant as a further insult to Harry's own chess skills and he decided he was not going to win this conversation. 'Has she told you if the school's opening this year?' He said as a way of changing the subject.
'In all likelihood it is but they have to see about numbers first.'
'And can I go back if it does?'
'That depends on two things.'
'Whether I master Occlumncy.'
'Yes… and…'
'And… my glamour.'
'Yes. That needs to go first. We can't have you running around as Harry Potter- too many questions. We probably won't get them both done before school starts in September but we should have them done by the end of December.' Harry nodded. 'Tomorrow I am going to start researching what kind of glamour Lily might have used on you and I'll probably need your help, dare I say it.'
Harry laughed and they lapsed into silence again. Harry took a few more sips of wine and felt he could get used to it quite easily.
'I do know that your friend Ronald isn't the only Weasley you're interested in.' Snape said, staring at the fire. Harry flinched involuntarily. 'And you don't have to try and hide that from me.' Snape carried on. 'I recognised your not so subtle hints to the youngest Weasley in your letter.'
Harry blushed. 'I wasn't trying to hide it from you exactly, I just didn't want Ginny to be in any danger if the letter got intercepted.'
'Oh and you weren't snogging her in the middle of the corridors for everyone to see.'
'That only happened once.' Harry muttered.
'Pity you didn't go any further, I doubt you'd have the chance now.'
'What's that supposed to mean?' Harry asked, a little outraged.
'You know exactly what I mean. I had always assumed that, being the amazing Harry Potter, you would have shagged quite a few girls already, especially seeing as James would go for any female that moved and wasn't in Slytherin. But now that we both know he isn't your real father that's probably why you haven't followed in his footsteps.'
Harry blanched. 'That is not how I expected my father to ever speak to me.'
Snape just raised an eyebrow.
'You're not how I expected you to be at all.' Harry continued.
'How so?' Snape asked, drinking his wine. 'Apart from the shocking fact that I swear a lot.'
'Well for a start a few days ago I never would have thought you could laugh.' Snape chuckled. 'See, there you go again, it's just not normal. People think you're always so stern and serious. And that's another thing, I never know how you're going to react to things. Sometimes I might say something and you find it funny and other times you hit me or something.'
'I've only done that twice.'
'Well most fathers don't do that at all.'
'Not the fathers I know.' Snape replied.
'Most non-Death Eater fathers anyway. And the things you say to me, talking about sex so naturally, pushing me to drink—'
'You're over seventeen years of age.' Snape interrupted. 'Listen, I do everything for a reason. I know you still don't think of me as a father and I feel the same way about you but I think of that as a good thing because this is not an ideal father and son situation. I'm going to be teaching you things that no father should ever teach their children. I am going to be cursing you, causing you pain, teaching you things that are going to cause other people pain.
'I am bringing you into an adult world, Harry.' Harry jerked in shock at hearing Snape use his first name. 'Where even the children act as the adults do. They drink, they smoke, they swear and they shag each other silly.'
Harry found himself blushing again and looked down.
'We'll have to get you out of that habit too.' Snape said, looking at him.
'Some adults don't do these things and don't think of them as very grown up at all.' Harry said.
'These ones do and that's all that matters. Snape said firmly. 'I am teaching you everything because you need to know them. Do you know why I'm trying to get you used to drinking alcohol?'
'No.' Harry replied.
'Think about it.' Snape said, giving him a hard look.
'Because… um…' Harry licked his dry lips. 'I'll have to have some at these party things?'
Snape sighed. 'Yes, at least that's part of the reason but not the main one. You have a lot of secrets to keep at the moment that would be the death of us if they came out. What would be the one situation where you may accidentally let these things slip?'
'When I'm drunk.' Harry said, realisation dawning.
Snape nodded shortly. 'It doesn't take much fire whiskey to make one drunk if they are not used to it. And like you said, you will be expected to partake in some, like all the children will.'
'What's happening with Malfoy? – Draco, I mean.' Harry asked.
'I've done all I can with him, he's now been handed over to his father.'
'Will he…'
'He most probably already has.' Snape answered before Harry had completed the question. 'In a way Draco was Lucius's last hope, and he failed. Lucius will not be merciful.'
'I never thought I'd feel sorry for Draco Malfoy.' Harry said, shaking his head. 'What did you try to do to help him?'
'I literally saved the boy's life by telling the Dark Lord that I killed Dumbledore before Draco had the chance to. I got crucio for it even though he never really believed it.'
'Why not?'
'Because there were enough other witnesses there saying that he stood there for ages not doing anything. I managed to put enough doubt in the Dark Lord's mind that he didn't use the killing curse straight away.
'I tried to get Draco to stay with me but the Dark Lord wasn't having any of it. He said that Lucuis would be tougher on him than me. I then made the mistake of arguing, saying that I could teach the boy more and that Lucius hadn't made a good job of it so far. I got another round of crucio for that.'
'Well you're not exactly Mother Teresa yourself, are you?' Harry felt he had to say.
Snape looked at Harry a moment. 'I've been a lot nicer than most fathers who've known their children all their life. I cast the cruciatus curse on you for a reason. The first slap was more of a shock factor than anything else, I wanted to show you what I could do if I needed to and impress on you the seriousness of the situation we found ourselves in. The second slap was because you were hyperventilating.'
'Yeah, sorry about that.' Harry said.
'Like I said, I do everything for a reason.'
Harry paused a moment trying to come up with the courage to ask his next question. 'What- um, what were your reasons for becoming a Death Eater?' He asked in a rush. 'I mean was it just your parents influence.'
Snape didn't say anything for a moment and Harry assumed he had either clamed up or was about to shout at Harry to go to his room. 'It was my parents that influenced my choice, but not at all in the way you imagine.'
Harry didn't push and hoped that Snape would carry on. 'My parents were not Death Eaters and never would be. My father was a muggle- you must have realised one of them was.'
Harry nodded his head, he remembered now what Hermione had found out. Snapes mum's second name had been Prince- hence The Half-blood Prince. Harry idly wondered if the book was still in its hiding place in the room of requirement.
'Well he was the main reason I became a Death Eater and thought it was a good idea to wipe out all muggles and muggle-borns. I felt I had a lot in common with the Dark Lord. We both had fathers who were muggles and mothers who were as pure-blooded as they came. Both our fathers were bastards and wronged our mothers. I felt that the Dark Lord must be right and that he could give me what he wanted.'
'What did your father do to you?' Harry asked in a whisper.
'He never did anything to me, it was my mother he did everything to, he verbally and physically abused her and he didn't care if I was watching or not. I wanted to kill him, and the Dark Lord promised me that I would be able to should I come into his service, just like he had done with his own father.'
'You- you killed your own father?' Harry said, shock giving way to a little bit of fear.
'No. In the end my mother did it before I had the chance to.' Snape said bitterly.
'Your mum?'
'Yes, obviously it got to a time when she just had enough.'
'What happened to her?' Harry asked.
'She died in Azkaban.' Snape replied bitterly.
Harry didn't know what to reply to that so he kept silent.
'It wasn't only that but it played a big part in it all. Your fa- James Potter and his gang had a lot to do with it as well. They were the epitome of good and light and I hated them.'
Harry looked down at his hands, thinking about the scene he had seen in Snape's pensieve. It still hurt him even now, even now that he knew James wasn't his real father.
'And how come you knew a lot of dark arts before coming to Hogwarts?' Harry asked, remembering that Sirius had said something along those lines.
'That was my uncle.' Snape replied. 'He taught me that. I wanted to know anyway and he gave me the power I was seriously lacking elsewhere. You must have realised that I wasn't very popular at School. But when I met Lucius and the other Death Eaters I finally felt I was somewhere I belonged. I obviously didn't realise at the time that they were all two-faced backstabbers only out for themselves.'
Harry took some more wine and sat back to drink it, deciding that it would probably be best to change the subject even though what he really wanted to know was why Snape had turned away from the dark again. 'So do you stay awake all night often?' He asked casually.
'I never need much sleep.' Snape replied. 'And like you, I can have nightmares.'
'Wha—'
'It doesn't matter but if I feel I can't sleep I don't force it. It's nice and quiet at night- usually.' He finished, glaring at Harry.
'Look I don't want to be here either, I wanted to be out looking for the Horcruxes.'
'Well I can tell you now that it would have been a waste of time on your own, you wouldn't have known where to start.'
'Hermione and Ron were going to help me, they wouldn't take no for an answer.' Harry said.
'Oh in that case I take everything back. With a walking library and a chess wizard I'm sure the Horcruxes will just fall at your feet.' Harry could hear the sarcasm.
'Well do you have any brighter ideas?'
'Yes, a lot of them. I know more than you realise, especially about the… um… Horcrux that you and Albus retrieved. But we've got to sort out our own problems before we sort out the rest of the wizarding worlds. You will need to become Voldemort's loyal servant first before you can think about killing him.'
'Where's the logic in that then?' Harry asked.
'The logic is that you do not yet have the power, resources or presence of mind to defeat him but until then it would be nice if you were at least kept alive. But mainly this way you will be able to find out a lot more about him and that is what has helped me all these years.
'You may not like this but the best way to defeat Voldemort is to get as close to him as possible. That way you will find out his strengths and weaknesses first hand. That is why Albus had you look in the pensieve. Remember, knowledge is power.'
Harry nodded solemnly but still couldn't help looking a bit disgusted.
'Now go to bed.'
'What?' Harry asked, astonished.
'I've told you before I am not in the habit of needlessly repeating myself.' Snape said.
'It would have taken you less time to repeat yourself then it would have for you to run off that spiel.'
'I will need your help with the potion tomorrow as I want you to lose the glamour as quickly as possible. I hope you are capable enough to follow instructions but I certainly don't want to add tiredness into it. I'll have enough problems when you're fully alert.'
'Fine, fine.' Harry grumbled. 'But you do realise you're going all fatherly on me.'
'Yes I do but there are some circumstances where it is needed. I also know that you are a little tipsy, even if you don't know that yourself, your mind is still clouded with the pain you went to sleep with and we are going to need to do some more of it before you go to sleep again.'
'Oh no, not crucio again.' Harry said, getting up and walking shakily towards his room.
'Yes, again.' Snape said, following him in. 'You will get used to it.'
'I'll never get used to that.'
'You will.'
'I won't.'
'You will.'
'I won't.'
'You'll never win you know.'
'I just have, haven't I?'
'Not if I reply while you're in the deepest pain.'
'Bastard.'