They trained. Harry was learning Occlumency morning until night, only stopping for the standard meals. The meals no longer seemed funny or stupid now. He had started to have waking nightmares of dropping his food down him during the dinner, or doing something ignorant that would upset the host and in turn, Snape.
This is why Harry could be found copying Snape's movements exactly during meal times. He learnt how to eat tagliatelle properly, how to cut all the meat from chops without picking it up and how to eat an amazing assortment of foods Harry had never even heard of before and thought he would rather not know exactly what they were.
The Occlumency consisted of all the things they had learned so far, including the cruciatus curse before going to sleep, much to Harry's annoyance. He had to admit he was getting used to it, although he wouldn't admit it to Snape.
Now when Snape told Harry to block his mind he actually knew what he had to do, find that white room and store the memories in it before firmly locking the door. He was managing to do this all right but it still wasn't progressing as Snape wanted. He wanted Harry to be able to block naturally at all times and not only when he told him to block his mind.
And so it became that every so often, during meal times or when Harry was quietly reading a book that Snape would sneak up and enter his mind quickly. It was at times like these that Harry would falter. He simply could not keep the room locked up all the time, especially when he was relaxing.
So Snape took to casting the cruciatus curse on him before Harry was ever allowed to relax. Snape would also train Harry to still be aware of his surroundings while he was in this painful torture so Harry told himself that it wasn't a completely pointless thing to be doing and learnt to guard his pain very well.
And so it went, with an abundance of chocolate frogs to keep Harry aware and conscious at all times.
---------
The day before the dreaded event Harry was finally allowed to relax with a book for a while. The book happened to be about non-verbal spells but Harry let that fact slide because the book was in fact very interesting. That and the fact that at last Harry seemed to be starting to learn skills to defeat Voldemort rather then be one of his faithful bonded.
It was at this time that for the first time Harry completely blocked one of Snape's unexpected intrusions. He had managed this by thinking about the pain he was accustomed to feeling so much now while still being immersed in his book so when the intrusion came it had absolutely nowhere to go and was instantly pushed out.
Harry looked up at Snape, smiling and although Snape did not smile back or make any comment Harry could see in his eyes that Snape was proud. But instead of saying anything complementary to him he proceeded to tell Harry what else he needed to accomplish.
'You need to be able to do what you did on the first day.' He said. 'With the dementors. You can't just block and hide you need to dupe and control. You need to send false memories and let some of your less important memories through so that he does not know you are hiding others.'
Harry deflated. 'I haven't been able to do that since the first day.' He said, depression sinking into him.
'It shouldn't matter for now, you are far enough away from the Dark Lord for him not to be bothered to seek too much but you must hold your memories back anyway. Later when we have to go to a meeting you will need to be able to cover up your precious memories with others.'
Harry blew out a breath he had been holding and nodded slowly.
'Now I have to get you a set of robes for tomorrow and I have to drop in on Lucius about something, so I'll be a few hours. Try to get some rest and read more.'
Harry just shrugged at this point as Snape walked into his room. Harry felt he would do anything just to get out for a while. He didn't know why Snape wouldn't let him come and look at robes with him now that he had finally mastered his Occlumency. But then he had no particular desire to see Lucius again so he supposed it was a good thing he wasn't going.
'What size are you?' A voice asked from behind him, making him jump in shock.
Snape snickered.
----------
It was a four hours later and Harry was trying desperately to clean up the kitchen before Snape came back. He had thought Snape would be back before dinner but obviously he was expecting Harry to fend for himself for now, something Harry wasn't doing very well.
After quite a dilemma Harry had decided that eggs would not be too hard to cook and would be fairly easy to clean up. How wrong he was. He burnt the toast and he burnt the eggs. Now for the life of him he could not get the bits of burnt egg from the bottom of the saucepan, not even a simple scourigify spell would shift it.
In the end he gave up and left it to soak. If he was at Hogwarts he could have just called for the house elves ad they would have given him more food then he could ever hope to eat. He contented himself with the thought that he was probably going to go back to Hogwarts at some time.
As he sat and read the book on non-verbal spells he wondered what was taking Snape so long, Diagon Alley would have surely closed by now and Harry couldn't see Snape wanting to stare near Lucius for any longer than needed. Another problem was that Harry was getting tired and would have wanted to go to bed by now but he learnt from last time not to disobey Snape in that way again. He would simply have to stay up until Snape came back to curse him.
Harry laughed slightly at that and yawned.
----------
Harry lost track of time but it was probably a few hours later, when he was only half-awake staring at the dwindling fire that Snape finally came back in. Moving silently he hung his cloak up and was halfway towards the drinks cabinet when he caught sight of Harry staring dazedly at him from the couch.
Snape stared for a moment. 'Why aren't you in bed?' He asked gruffly.
Harry's mouth dropped open in shock and he stared back at Snape as if he was a big one-eyed monster. 'Because- because you told me not to. You said I should never go to sleep until we had gone through all that…' Harry jerked his head in the direction of the spare room. 'You know.'
Snape expression turned into a pained one, which shocked Harry even more. Then Snape fell down into the chair opposite him in a very un-Snapish manner, covering his eyes with his hand.
'I'm so sorry.' Snape said. Now Snape had done a lot of things to surprise Harry, quite a few of them in the last few minutes, but apologising to him had to be at the top of the list. Never in a million years did he ever think Snape would apologise, least of all to him.
'I have to admit I completely forgot, sometimes I stay out all night and… well, forgive me if it sometimes slips my mind that I have a son waiting for me at home, especially considering I have only known about it for a few days.'
'But what have you been doing?' Harry asked.
'None of your fucking business.' Snape snapped moodily.
Harry flinched involuntarily. 'Sorry.' He said without much meaning. 'But can we?' With that he nodded towards his room again in hope.
Snape rubbed his hands over his eyes one last time and then got up. 'Of course, come on.' He led the way into the room and Harry quickly got ready for bed.
Snape seemed impressed as Harry didn't scream at all, only mumbled and groaned periodically as Harry focused on the pain so much that he blocked out everything, just as he'd been taught to do.
'You know I really think you're ready.' Snape said. Harry smiled smugly. 'Don't get too big headed now. You have more to learn before you come face to face with the Dark Lord.'
'Yeah, I know.' Harry replied sleepily as he settled down in the bed and closed his eyes. He felt, rather than heard the door shut behind his father.
----------
The next day Harry was a nervous wreck.
He didn't eat any breakfast, couldn't concentrate on any book and found himself reading the same line over and over again. After a while he threw the book on defensive spells on the floor in frustration.
'Pick that up!' Snape roared. 'And don't ever let me see you treating my books in that way again.'
Harry obediently picked the book up and put it back on the shelf but he did it with a scowl on his face to rival Snape's.
Harry didn't know what he wanted to do. He wanted to hit something, smash something to pieces, throw things across the room, let go of his accidental magic in the worst way possible.
So maybe he did know what he wanted to do.
He couldn't do any of these things though and he knew it wasn't a good idea anyway, even without Snape cursing him to oblivion.
He sighed loudly and slumped further down on the couch, thinking vaguely of trying to sleep for a while because at least while he was unconscious he wouldn't feel like an alien was trying to break out of his stomach.
'Oh for Merlin's sake Harry.' Snape said, sitting down next to Harry. 'This isn't the end of the world. You're going to sit down and eat with some other pompous brats, go off and do what ever it is teenagers do in a big manor and then come home again. If you're concerned about this I dread to think how you'll react to a meeting with the Dark Lord.'
'Way to cheer me up.' Harry said gloomily. 'Sirius could always think of the right thing to say.' He carried on before he could stop himself. He could tell straight away that had been a bad idea. He had no idea where that had even come from.
'Oh yes, your wonderful flea-bitten mutt. He would be so proud of you right now wouldn't he? Going to a little Death Eater party with your Death Eater father. What a lovely big hug he'd give you.' He sneered at the thought.
Harry glowered. 'Why can't you leave him alone? At least now that he's dead. I mean he's dead all right. Dead. I can't believe you can keep on hating him after he's gone.'
'Oh of course I can, and I will.' Snape interrupted, something feral looking in his eyes. 'I don't see why people seem to think that once someone is dead that they were suddenly a wonderful person when they were alive. Nothing changes.'
'Maybe not but you can at least leave well enough alone.' Harry said, getting angry as well.
'You're the one who brought it up. You have no idea what he did to me. Him and Potter made my life a living hell.'
'Listen I know that he did things he shouldn't of but he was also—'
'You have no idea.' Snape screamed at him again, jumping up from the couch. 'You have no idea at all so don't pretend you know what this is all about. And I know you're thinking this is about the time in the shrieking shack but it's not. I've seen in your memories what your cousin used to do to you. How not only would he beat you up and tease you but he'd make sure that no one else was allowed to befriend you either.'
Harry was shaking slightly by now but from what he didn't know.
'You couldn't even get away from him after school could you? I've seen that … whatdoyoucallit … Harry Hunting, the not so subtle trips, the manipulation of his parents against you and all the rest. Well believe me when I say Black was ten times worse than that to me.'
With that Snape turned around and stalked quickly into his office, slamming the door behind him. This left Harry sitting on the couch still shaking uncontrollably and wishing more than anything else in the world that he could turn back time.
----------
Ten minutes later, after Harry thought Snape might have calmed down enough and he himself had calmed down, he knocked tentatively on Snape's door.
After about thirty seconds he heard a soft 'Come' from Snape and he opened the door slowly. Snape was sitting at his desk scribbling furiously on a piece of paper.
Harry stood in the doorway a moment, shuffling from foot to foot in nervousness. Then finally he coughed to try and get Snape's attention.
Snape glanced up wearily to look at Harry, his eyes were slightly puffy and Harry had the uncomfortable thought that Snape might have been crying but he quickly dismissed that thought as stupid.
'Um … sir, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories like that.' Harry said. He didn't have anything planned out and was just spurting off whatever came to mind but it seemed to work as Snape just shook his head ruefully. 'And I can also understand how you feel.
'You were right, what Dudley did to me was awful and I think if I hadn't gotten away from it when I did it might have scarred me for life. I sometimes can't believe I'm as sane as I am, you know with actual friends and … all that.' Harry stopped and sighed, not sure what he was trying to say. Snape had not said anything yet which made Harry more uncomfortable.
'When I saw what my f—I mean what James and Sirius did to you in your pensieve I felt so ashamed. Because that was the exact kind of thing Dudley would do to me. And I was so upset that it was my own father doing these things. I even thought for a moment that he had forced my mother to marry him or something.
'But I'd still like to think that if Dudley had children- God forbid- that I would give them the benefit of the doubt because they are different people. You never did that and I am nothing like James. That's probably because he's not my father but even when we thought he was—'
'Are you ever going to shut up?' Snape asked suddenly. Harry sniggered.
'I apologise.' Snape said. 'And this must be the second time today.'
'And in the whole time I've known you.' Harry added.
'Yes, well I shouldn't have put all my problems onto you and I certainly shouldn't have brought your own up, not when we have a very important evening coming up and we need this implicit trust we sometimes have.'
Harry nodded slowly.
Snape shook his head slowly. 'Sometimes I don't get you?'
'What's that supposed to mean?' Harry asked in astonishment.
Snape chuckled lightly. 'I know you think I'm very mysterious but I think the same about you. You are so closed up and you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself so that I never know what you're thinking.'
Harry was confused. 'Isn't that good?' He asked. 'I mean isn't that what you wanted, so that I could occlude my mind?'
'No, that's the reason why you couldn't occlude, because you never had the chance to let your feelings out, so they were always there inside your mind for every Tom Dick and Harry to see.'
'Who's Dick?' Harry asked with a grin.
Snape smiled slightly. 'I need to know that you trust me Harry. It's more important then you realise. But I can never see if you do, it's like you're keeping something from me, something that keeps you from trusting me.'
Harry shook his head.
Snape got up to stand next to Harry. 'I know you don't care about what James did anymore. You can distance yourself from it now that you know he's not your father. It's about Lily isn't it?' He started leading Harry out into the lounge. Harry nodded slowly.
They both sat down on the couch. 'I'm sorry.' Harry said although he wasn't sure why he was apologising. 'I just can't get over the fact that you raped her. That I was conceived through an act of rape, anger and revenge. When you have a baby it's for love, because you want to have a child. Not because you want to give it to an evil master and get back at your school rival at the same time. My mum probably didn't even know who…' Harry had to stop there because he was uncertain he could hold back the tears he knew were there if he carried on.
'I understand that Harry but unfortunately I have no excuse and everything you said is true. You will just have to learn to accept it and move on because there is nothing else you can do. As you know I was a loyal death eater then. I didn't care that what I was doing was wrong. It was rape, it was an act of hatred and revenge but I have done worse things as a death eater. I haven't forgiven myself for any of them.
'I can't turn back time and change it but that would have made things worse then they are anyway because you would never have defeated him when you were a baby. I feel bad about it now but it won't change anything.' Snape looked at Harry sternly. 'It's up to you to get over it, leave it buried in the past like you were saying I should do with Black.'
Harry nodded. 'Maybe we should both take that advise.'
'It's easier said than done, isn't it?'
Harry nodded again.
'Come on, you should try on your new robe. You have to look the part.'
It was actually quite nice and looked very expensive. It was made of silk, black with a glittering green trim around the hem and the sleeves. It was simple but elegant and when Harry put it on he marvelled at how it felt, the smoothness and silkiness of it against his skin.
He stood in front of the full-length mirror Snape had erected for him and looked at himself from all angles. He had to agree with Mrs Weasley that this type of green did match his eyes.
Snape stepped up behind him and also looked appraisingly, checking Harry out from different angles. He started pulling the robes down to straighten out the creases and Harry sniggered slightly.
'Now who's acting all fatherly?' He said.
Snape growled softly but didn't desist. 'This is one of those rare times when it is needed. We can't have you going looking like some miscreant I pulled off the streets.'
'Thanks!' Harry said sarcastically.
'My pleasure.' Harry could hear the smirk in Snape's voice. He started trying to flatten Harry's hair.
'You're fighting a losing battle, you know that.' Harry said, trying not to laugh.
'Oh yeah, we'll see about that.' And with that Snape stalked off into the bathroom. When he came back he was holding a small jar in his hand.
Harry looked at it wearily but when Snape opened it up and slicked some of the substance onto his hair he realised it was some kind of gel.
'Great, I'm going to look just like Draco Malfoy now.' He sneered.
'No you don't. But you at least look more human now and not so much like your fake father. I should do something about the glasses too but I doubt you'll need them after the glamour is lifted anyway.'
'Hmm.' Harry didn't know what else to say. The butterflies had come back.
Snape also gave Harry a pair of shiny black shoes that fit him perfectly. He eyed Harry critically again. 'That will have to do. Let's play a game of chess to calm you down. We have a few hours yet.
Harry just couldn't concentrate on the board so half way through the game and with only twenty minutes to spare Snape started drilling him with questions on do's and don'ts instead, which didn't help calm him down. In the end Snape just settled for telling Harry to copy what the other children his age were doing and he should be fine.
'And call me Severus.' He added.
'Severus.' Harry rolled the name around his tongue again. He still couldn't get used to it.
'And don't talk to the adults unless you're specifically asked a question.'
'Yes, you told me that before.'
'That includes me apart from to ask for my permission for something. For example to leave the table you will need to have mine and Notts permission.' Harry nodded. 'You may talk to the other children but please remember discretion and block your mind at all times and don't start preaching any of your hero shit or your holier than thou rubbish and don't mention the Dark Lords name, in fact it's better if you don't mention him at all and don't talk about the bond an—'
'Shut the fuck up!'
Snape stopped and smirked at Harry as he got up. Harry followed suit, feeling like he was about to throw up at any moment.
'You may say that to them if you like.'