This is the rest of Still Fighting It-part 1 in Eli's point of view. If you didn't read my first part, while it's not really necessary to know is going on, you may want to check it out away. Thanks, and enjoy. =) :
All I could think about as I walked home was that kiss and its repercussions. Did this make Clare and me a couple now? I mean it was for a school project, but it was also so much more than that. I hoped that she felt the way I did; it sure seemed that way when we were kissing.
When I got home I tried to avoid my room as much as possible. I really didn't like going in it, and besides, there was barely any room for me in there anyway. So, I walked into the kitchen where my mom, Cece, was making dinner.
"Want some help?" I offered, halfheartedly. It wasn't like I really wanted to hang around cooking, but I didn't have homework, and I was trying to cut down on video games.
"Sure," my mom replied cheerfully. "You can cut up some tomatoes for the salad." My mom knew why I was here helping, and not in my room, so she over compensated by being overly energetic. Normally that would bug me, but I found it easy to occupy myself with thoughts of Clare and our first kiss as I chopped up the tomatoes, and then some cucumbers, just to prolong my time in the kitchen.
Of course, I couldn't avoid my room forever, so after dinner I disarmed the padlock, and crept in, turning on my light. My room was an overload to the senses, my eyes never knowing what to settle on first; there was just too much stuff, but I could never throw any of it out. If I did I just knew something horrible would happen, so I was damned to live in this personal hell I had created myself.
I navigated the carefully constructed pathway I have made to my bed, and flopped down on it after shoving off some papers, and various other items. I rarely slept anymore; how could I in this mess? I let my mind wander, and it wandered right to Clare. I was thinking about her far too much lately. It was unhealthy; probably for the both of us.
I was struck with the grim realization of my last thought. This was unhealthy; mostly for Clare. Sitting in this room just reiterated the fact that I was no good for her, and probably never would be. I couldn't make Clare go through caring about me just to get hurt. So, I had to break her heart now, when we weren't in deep enough for it to really hurt.
This thought made my head pound, my heart squeeze uncomfortably, and my stomach to plummet. 'I'm doing this for Clare,' I reminded myself, and that was enough to make me stick to my decision once and for all: tomorrow I would start distancing myself from the one person who had been able to make me feel good after Julia died. That decided, I pushed all the thoughts out of my mind, and concentrated really hard on not thinking anything at all.
The next morning I stood outside of English class where Clare and Adam couldn't see me, but I could see, and hear, them perfectly.
"…Eli and I finally took that next step," I heard Clare chirp happily. My heart flopped at her words. They made me happy in a way I couldn't describe, but I still had to break her heart. She certainly wasn't going to make this easy.
"It's official," I heard Adam reply somberly; "I'm a third wheel."
"Oh, pish posh, Adam," Clare said confidently. "That's just silly."
'Time to intervene,' I thought to myself, and walked into the class. I slipped into my seat, not even acknowledging Clare as she greeted me. "Morning, Eli," She was all smiles. I couldn't do this…but I had to. So, I stared straight ahead, trying not to think about the girl behind me. 'From now on, that's all she is, just some girl who sits behind me in English,' I lied to myself.
"You alright?" Clare asked, concerned.
"Never better," I slipped out quickly; the less words, the better. If I allowed myself to say more than a few words to her, or look her in the eye, I would surely lose all my will power.
Except Clare seemed determined to make that happen- I felt her lean forward to whisper in my ear. Her warm breath tickled my ear and neck as she spoke. "Once were done editing the assignment La Strata's showing at The Select; Fellini's finest. What do you think?" she asked, still trying to get through to me. Her close proximity was about to drive me insane, so I responded only by leaning forward. I was so tempted to say yes to her, but all I had to do was keep on my poker face. I had perfected it over the last year.
I heard Clare lean over to Adam and quietly ask, "Do I smell or something?" The disappointment in her voice was nearly palpable. I was such an ass.
"No, you're good," I heard Adam say to her- if she only knew how tempting she actually smelled. "What happened?" I heard him ask her. I suppose I should clue Adam in later, at least partially clue him in, on why I was acting like a pariah.
"I don't know," Clare sounded so hurt I almost turned around to attempt to comfort her. But I clenched my fists on top of my desk, and focused straight ahead instead. This was going to be more difficult than I had imagined.
Later that night I called Adam. "Hello?" he answered
"Hey, dude, what's up?" I asked trying to keep it light before I threw the weight of my past n him like a bunch of bricks.
"So, what, you decided to be friendly again?" I guess I deserved that. "What the hell was with you today!" Adam demanded.
"I want to explain," I started, "you just have to give me a chance. I have my reasons, but it's not exactly a pretty story, man. Do you think you can handle it?"
"Cryptic," Adam said sarcastically. "Of course I can handle it, but it's not really me you owe an explanation to- it's Clare."
He made a valid point, but there was no way I could let Clare in like that. It would mess her up for sure; no doubt about it, she would get hurt in the end. "I'm not really at liberty to explain things to Clare right now."
"Okaaayyyy…" Adam said, clearly waiting to hear this brilliant explanation.
"It all started with a fight last year," I sighed; I did not like telling this story, but I trusted Adam, so I soldiered on. "I had this girlfriend. Her name was Julia, and she was my everything at the time, but she was also kind of feisty. We would argue a lot, but it was usually nothing serious. One night, though, I took it too far. She was having trouble at home; her stepmom and she never got along, and that was all I would ever hear about. I had gone through a particularly rough day before the night of our fight- I was dealing with some bullies ten times worse than Fitz, and they had cornered me, and beat me up. I had picked up Julia looking for some comfort, or an escape, but what I got was more complaints about how her life sucked. I just exploded; telling her how she was no fun to be around anymore, and the lasting thing I wanted to hear about was how her life sucked. Of course, I was pissed, so add a couple 'fucks' in there, and it was not a pretty picture. She stormed out of my car, and got hit by a car. She died on impact. And I'm still pretty messed up about it. I really just don't want to bring Clare down with me," I finished.
All I heard was silence on the other end of the line. "Adam?" I asked cautiously. "Are you still with me?"
"Sorry, that was just…intense," he finished.
"Yeah," I sighed, "but you have to promise me that you will not mention any of this to Clare. She would probably think I was worth her time still, even though I'm just a waste of it."
"I don't completely agree with that, dude, but yeah, I'll keep quiet," Adam promised.
"Thanks," I said earnestly. "I'm lucky to have a friend like you." I told him, smiling.
"Yeah, you are," Adam complied, chuckling.
The next morning on the way to Degrassi Morty started acting up. "Crap," I said under my breath. I pulled into a parking space, and pulled out my emergency repair kit, which included a radio. Good thing I had picked today to be early. I turned on the radio, and got to work checking out Morty's fine tuning.
About ten minutes later I heard a bike approach, and then Clare popped up in the window. "Thanks for returning my calls," she started, each word dripping with sarcasm. "Can we talk?" she asked.
I was caught off guard. I wasn't expecting her to approach me at all for a while, and it was especially unexpected that she was sneaking up on me early in the morning like this. So, the best response I could come up with was, "No thank you," I said each word with equal malice, but made sure she couldn't see my face, which was still sad that she was so upset. 'Poker face, now!' I warned myself mentally.
I slipped out of the hearse, and went to examine under the hood. Not surprising, Clare followed. "Well, it's happening," She said angrily, turning off my music. The silence was deafening. "Okay, the other day, that wasn't just a kiss for the film. There's something between us, Eli, and you know it."
My heart beat faster at her words, but I plastered a defiant look on my face. "You're wrong," I stated. The words burned my throat on their way out; they were just so false. I couldn't bear to look her in the eyes.
"I'm not stupid," she asserted. I really didn't want to be mean to her, but if she kept on, I was going to have to cut her down. Hard. I hurt to just think about how much I was letting her down. "Either you like me," she continued, "or you're a sociopath who likes to jerk people around, and hurt them. And I know it's not the latter."
She said the last part with such confidence it almost killed me to think about what I had to do next. I made sure my face was stable; arranged in a hard mask, a finally leveled her with my death stare. She stared back, shocked to see my face so harsh. "Or is it?" She asked quietly.
"I'm sorry I lead you on," I said matter-of-factly. I saw the pain and embarrassment fill her eyes before she pushed those emotions aside, and settled on angry.
"Wow," she snapped at me, and walked quickly back to her bike, shot me one more quick, furious look, and then stalked off as fast as she could. I deflated a little after she had walked away completely.
I was such a jerk. Why was I always hurting the people I care about most?
For those of you who care: soon to come- Still Fighting It- Part 2, Eli's point of view. Thanks for reading. Reviews welcome. Also, any thoughts on things that would make it better? More enjoyable to read? I aim to please you. =)