Disclamier: I OWN NOTHING! The story is by Marauder-and-Lily-I-love and the characters belong to J..

"I think I'll read it seeing as it's a letter addressed to you guys," said James.

Sirius and Remus nod and James clears his throat and begins,

"Dearest Sirius 'Padfoot' Black and Remus 'Moony' Lupin,

I am writing this extremely polite and friendly letter to kindly request the removal of yourselves from the humble abode,"

"What's with all the sarcasm?" asked Remus

"It's how I wrote it."

"You mean Marauder-And-Lily-I-Love wrote it," corrected Sirius

"Yeah,"

"I call my - Oh, this is bullshit. In other words:

GET YOUR SORRY ARSES THE FUCK OUT OF MY BED."

Remus and Sirius jumped and James's mother rushed in, "James Harold Potter, never have I heard such foul language…"

"Chill, mum," said James, "I'm reading something off the net."

"A little too realistically if you ask me," mumbled Sirius.

"Ahh, but no one did," said James cheekily.

Mrs. Potter just shacked her head and went back into the kitchen no longer wanting an explanation.

"Do you know how much trouble I went through to get you two together?"

"Oh so we're a couple," said Remus

"Apparently,"

"Guys can I finish before dinner?'

"Sorry," they both said

The blood, sweat and tears I wasted over you? I have had my darling Lily-kins knee me in my family jewels when I asked her for help in getting you two together; I have had McGonagall interrogating me as to why I was wanking in a broom cupboard;"

"What!" cried Remus and Sirius.

"I never really did," said James, "It's what the story reads."

"But why?" asked Remus

"If you let me continue we may find out."

I have had first years staring at me strangely as I mime bashing your heads together when I am walking behind you.

Sirius giggled and Remus just shook his head.

All of that was done for YOU! (Yes, even the wanking part… just don't ask… The trauma I experienced over that is just too much… honestly, the things I do for you!)

"I guess well never now," joked Sirius

"Pity…"

AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?

This is how you treat your BEST FRIEND? Moony, honestly, I'm ashamed at you – I thought that you, at least, would be a tad more considerate towards me, but NO! You let that stupid fluff-ball we call Padfoot fuck you on MY BED!

"Still disgusted by that by the way," said Sirius.

"Why? I'm not good enough for you Black?" cried Remus

"What! No that's not…"

"Whatever." Remus huffed

You ruined my pretty sheep-covered bedcovers!

"Sheep?"

"That's what she wrote!" cried James

My mother gave those to me! And now, I can't even get the stain out!

"Ewww…"

The stain! Oh, don't even get me started on the bloody stain! The mere fact that your semen is on my bed covers is enough to make me vomit!

"Oh god…" cried James, "The freaking mental images…"

How could you do this to me? How? HOW? And what am I going to tell my mother? That my two best friends thought it would be amusing to FUCK on MY BED? I thought you were my friends! Why couldn't you do it on Peter's bed?

"Nah," said Sirius, "If I ever did fuck Remus it would be on your bed cause it's the comfiest."

Remus nodded and James looked like he was going to be sick

Why? WHY? Peter's mother doesn't give a shit about his bed covers! You know how my mother is; she'll go ballistic! And unlike me, Peter did not go through hours of thinking (which, by the way, almost killed my brain) about to get you two brainless idiots together.

"I take offence to that." Cried Remus.

"Come on Moony," said Sirius, "You can be pretty dense sometimes."

"Oh shut it!"

And the noises you make, oh blimey, they made my ears bleed! Literally.

"That's gotta hurt."

Do you know how painful bleeding ears are? I swear, my ears almost fell off – but what with all the hullabaloo you buffoons were making, that wouldn't have been a bad thing.

"I bet at one point I was contemplating cutting them off." Said James, "Kind of like Van Goh,"

"I would understand."

I do not want to know what you are doing with each other's cocks, and I do not see why you'd (Remus) want to advertise 'how good it feels inside you'! And Padfoot, I doubt anyone wants to know how 'godly' you find Remus' privates!

"Wait," said Remus, "doesn't that mean I'm fucking Sirius cause I'm inside him…" by the end of that statement Remus was blushing fire truck red.

"Nonononono," said Sirius, "If we ever got together, I'd top."

"And why's that?" asked Remus

"I'm broader, taller, and older."

"And I could pin you down right here and right now and have my way with you," growled Remus his face inches from Sirius's, his ego bruised.

Sirius tried to get away, but Remus quickly pinned him down so he was pushed against the coach cushions with Remus straddling him.

Finally James cleared his voice and the two jumped a part blushing hard.

Also, you idiots are having a very negative effect on the Gryffindors! Half of them are two scared to enter the common room in case they just happen to come face to face with your naked arses! Or they're worried about not being able to work while you two furbrains are humping each other through the floor in the dormitory directly above them!

"Gross," said James, "But what's worse that it's only half."

The other half, scarily enough, want to see you two going at it! And that does not mean that they have good taste in gay men, no!

"Oh lord," said Sirius, "I am not nor ever will be gay." Remus nodded.

It simply means that these people, unsurprisingly the majority of which are girls, are twisted, insanely perverted and utterly loopy. (I hope you liked that play on words, Moony. You know… 'Loopy', 'Lupin', 'Loony'… Ya know what I mean? Or maybe I should start calling you Moopy. Mixture between Moony and Loopy… Yeah, I rather like that.)

"One, I can't believe you used the song. Two, ever call me Moopy and you will die, and Three, I do NOT enjoy the word play."

James just nodded.

Alright Moopy and Madfoot! (Hehe, I am a genius!)

"You've lost it," said Sirius, "By this point your close to hysteria while writing this."

"It won't do any good for you blood pressure either." Said Remus concerned.

"Remember guys," sighed James, "I didn't actually write this.

Here is the final verdict. If I ever see you two sexing each other up outside the dormitory, without a silencing charm (on the floor, as well as the walls and door) or locking charm, I am going grab you both, by the penis (of course, I shall be wearing gloves),

"Don't ever do that," warned Sirius

"Lets just pray I won't have to," countered James.

And then lock you in a room with a hundred rabid Remus/Sirius fangirls. (You know, I thought I saw Professor Sprout making gooey eyes at you two…)

"Ewww…."

And if I see you doing it on my bed, let's just say that you might accidentally end up with no cocks. At all. Not even your balls will be left. No, wait! Forget balls, you won't have a single pubic hair left!

Remus and Sirius grabbed pillow and covered their 'area' and shivered in fear.

That's right! Yeah, and that evil look that you are visualizing on my face as you read this is actually there.

The two looked at James and shivered when they caught an evil glint in his eyes.

Thank you, and goodnight!

… Peace out. (I've always wanted to say/write that!)

James 'Prongs' Potter.

P.S. I am the reason you guys are together. Remember that. Or else.

P.P.S. Um, also, you guys have to buy me new bed covers. And this time, I want them covered in piggies, please.

"What is with you and baby bed sheets?" asked Sirius

"Oh shut it." Snapped James while clicking the back button, "What should we read next?"

"How about…."