Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! The story is by Marauder-and-Lily-I-love and the characters belong to J.K. Rowelling
CHAPTER 1:
"Oh shut it." Snapped James while clicking the back button, "What should we read next?"
"How about…."
...
What the HELL is fanfiction?
Chapter 3: 50 Things Sirius Black can not do.
"... this thing "50 Things Sirius Black Is Not Allowed To Do" said Sirius, "It's about me so it must be ah-mazing and we might get some good prank ideas."
"Yeah," said Remus nodding, "The author's writing is pretty funny... if you get past the gross factor..."
James nodded, "True... so 50 Things Paddy can not do," he licked the link and waited a bit and when it was loaded he turned to the other occupant of the oom, "Do you want to read it?"
"I will," said Sirius, "It is after all about ME!"
Remus rolled his eyes, "Hurry up already,"
"All right, all right," said Sirius, "Chill Remmy baby."
James groaned and Sirius cleared his throat and read;
50 Things Sirius Black Is Not Allowed To Do
1) Sing 'Baby Got Back' at the top of his lungs dressed in a tight leather mini-skirt.
He froze and waited a few minutes for the mental-image to sink in, "You know," he said standing up and spinning around, "i wouldn't look that bad..."
"True,' said James with a frown, "You do kind of look like a girl."
"What!" cried Sirius, but James ignored him.
"Don't you agree Remus?"
"Yup,"
"Oh shut up," said Sirius who sat back down and started to read again.
2) Make endless sexual innuendos about bananas.
Sirius snorted and James and Remus groaned
3) Take pictures of himself while showering and then sell them to the female population of Hogwarts.
"Scary enough," James said with a smile, "You would actually make a lot of money." He looked over at Sirius with a special gleam in his eyes.
"I refuse to become a porn model," snapped Sirius
4) Give Remus a makeover while he is asleep.
James and Sirius shared a look and smirked. Remus was now terrified
5) Ask the potions professor whether the day's assignment can be used as sexual lubricant.
James snickered.
6) Sign his essays 'Seriously Sexy Sirius'.
7) Deliberately invite Moaning Myrtle to the Prefect's bathroom to watch while Remus and he are 'bathing' together...
"Ewww..." cried Remus, "i should have known there would be more slash, but still..."
"Gross," said Sirius
"Great the mental images are back," cried James
8) ...And then pretend to know nothing about it of course.
9) Buy Remus a flea collar and then attempt to strangle him with it.
Sirius started laughing.
"You dare..." warned Remus
"It would be funny," said James and Remus rounded a him with one of his super glares, "I mean... um... um... I'm shutting up now."
"Good idea."
10) Encourage first years to make friends with the Whomping Willow.
11) Paint a regular golf ball gold, glue wings to it and then replace the snitch with it.
"You dare mess with Quidditch and I'll ripe your intenstins out and boil your eyeballs," snapped James
Sirius nodded quickly, very scared and then quickly started reading.
12) Transfigure Remus into a puppy and name him 'Squishy'
"Don't you..." started Remus, but Sirius shot him an evil smile and giggled very creepily, "When you least expect it... when you least expect it."
Remus whimpered in fear and James just patted him on the back and looked at him as if he was already picking out the flowers he'd like best during his funeral.
13) Introduce an official 'Hug a Slytherin Day'.
Sirius shook his head and then frowned, "That would be funny though..."
James shrugged, "We'll think about it."
14) Steal Lily's bras...
15) ... and then force James to wear the sexiest one over his school robes.
Remus and Sirius burst out laughing, while James pale dramatically.
"Sirius if you don't... I will,"
Sirius nodded in agreement.
16) Run through the school naked with 'S.O.B' written on his chest in melted chocolate...
"I draw the line at flashing," said Sirius
Remus chuckled, "Nice to know you have some restraints."
17) ... and then loudly ask Remus to lick it off.
"Eww..."
18) Convince Remus that all the books in the library have been stolen and that it is closing down.
19) Tell everyone that James' mum looks like Voldemort.
"That's just cruel," said James pouting.
20) Write a book about different sexual positions with graphic diagrams, using Remus' teddy and a house elf as the models.
"Hmmm... maybe," said Sirius
21) ... And then claim that James' broomstick told him to do it.
"If you did it, I'd seriously doubt your sanity," said Remus frowning.
Sirius snorted, "What sanity?"
22) Tell first years that Filch regularly abuses his cat.
23) Tell First years that Filch is the Voice of God.
"Imagine if they believed it..." laughed Sirius
24) Ask Professor Flitwick if he knows where Snow White lives.
"Done that," said James and Sirius
25) Pop a balloon in the middle of one of Dumbledore's speeches.
"Hmmm..."
26) Squirt ketchup on his forehead and then tell Remus he fell off of the Astronomy Tower.
27) Slip 'used' condoms in James' bed before he and Lily come up to do their 'stuff'.
Sirius started laughing.
28) Refer to Remus as a 'sex crazed wolf' in public.
29) Tell people that it's Remus' Time of the Month when he tells First Years off for breathing too loudly.
He was now laughing so hard that Remus had to take it away from him and start reading
30) Try to beat James to death with a napkin.
31) ...or a pillow.
32) Ask Professor Sprout to marry him at dinner...
33) ... and then loudly and graphically tell the whole of the great hall about their daring sexual escapades.
Even Remus had to laugh at that.
34) Draw faces on pieces of fruit and then carry them everywhere, claiming that they are his evil minions and that together they will take over the world.
"I will do it to prove to Remus I have no sanity," said Sirius, "Besides I'd been thinking about doing it for weeks."
35) Push Remus up against a boiling hot radiator and kiss him, just to see how long it takes Remus to realise that his bum is about to burn.
"No."
36) Set Lily's hair on fire to see whether there is any difference between her hair colour and the fire.
"I wonder..."
"Over my dead body, Siri."
"Jesus... chill James."
37) Write 'Spooning leads to forking' on Remus' Valentine's Day card.
38) Tell James about phone sex and then give him Lily's home number.
"Even I'm not that cruel."
39) Attempt to break a glass over Lily's head if she spends more than three hours with Remus in the library.
40) Realise that while polishing his wand in the common room is acceptable, 'Polishing his Wand' in the common room is not.
Sirius started laughing... again
41) Try to show the class that Minerva McGonagall is ticklish, in a hands-on demonstration.
"Do it," said James, "I double-dare you."
"... All right," he said
42) ... and then claim that McGonagall planned the whole thing and that she is sexually harassing him.
"..."
43) Put hundreds of rabid skunks in Snape's dorm...
44) ... and then state that Snape simply shouldn't have left the window open.
James got an evil glint in his eye.
45) Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with a fully transformed werewolf.
"Ewww..."
46) Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with a rat.
"EWWW..."
47) Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with a stag.
"Incest much..."
48) Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with a doughnut.
"... No comment..."
49) Tell Dumbledore that he finds his long, long beard incredibly erotic...
50) ... and then attempt to stroke it seductively.
"If you don't I will," said James
"Hey Sirius," said Remus handing him back the laptop. "I tink you should read this part because it's in you POV"
"All right," he said and read.
Oh, his friends thought they were so clever, didn't they?
"Oh so Pete, Rem, and I made this."
Sirius stared at the long list, frowning slightly. He had such wonderful friends, didn't he?
Psht, why on earth would he want to stroke Dumbledore's beard? It was simply outrageous!
... Although, that would be absolutely hilarious.
"We think alike!" cried Sirius
Sirius grinned suddenly, an idea (oh no) popping into his head. It would be brilliant; it may even scar his lovely werewolf for life.
"Or not..."
The dog animagus let out a small, almost hysterical giggle at the imagery of a thoroughly traumatised Remus.
"Well," he said, "That is a funny sight."
"True," said James
Well, since they had given him such an adorably annoying present that was obviously written by his boyfriend (he'd recognise the handwriting anywhere), why not give one back?
The dog Animagus cackled slightly as he pulled out a quill from his bag and added-
"Here Rem," said Sirius, "This is your POV"
Remus yawned as he stepped through the portrait hole; all that food had made him tired.
As he climbed up the stairs to the seventh year dorms, he froze when he heard music. Eyes widening, he ran up the remainder of the stairs, horror creeping up on him when he realised that the song was none other than Baby Got Back. Bursting into the dormitory, he froze when he saw Sirius.
"This should be good,"
Dancing.
Singing.
In a tight leather mini-skirt.
James and Remus started laughing at Sirius's disgusted face.
Remus' mouth dropped open.
Oh. Lord.
Sirius smirked, "I must be quite a turn on, hehe Lupin." He crawled into Remus's lap, "I can tell," he teased.
"Oh shut up," snapped Remus pushing Sirius off of him, blushing all the while.
Sirius gave an elaborate twirl and then flounced up to the motionless werewolf, grey eyes sparkling mischievously. Wrapping his arms around him, he pulled Remus flush against him.
"I loved the present, by the way." He grinned, gesturing at the list. Remus squirmed slightly in Sirius' grasp, the leather making him a tad uncomfortable. The werewolf then squinted at the list, frowning when he saw a number 51) at the bottom of the list in Sirius' messy scrawl.
I swear there were only 50.
"I added a little something as a Thank You Present!" Remus looked up at Sirius, biting his bottom lip. Oh, this couldn't be good.
"Padfoot... What on earth have you come up with now?"
"Something evil that will give me grey hair," answered Remus
"Go on, take a look. It's all for you." The dog Animagus smirked.
Remus pulled away from him and walked towards the list that was taped onto the bathroom door.
51) Do all of the things on the list because he finds Remus friggin' sexy when he's angry.
"No not really," said Sirius, "He's scary."
The werewolf gulped.
"S-Sirius? We were only joking..." Turning around, Remus was shocked to see his boyfriend swinging around a... flea collar.
James laughed so hard he fell of the coach.
Crap.
"Watch out for radiators, Remy baby, 'cause your bum is about to get hot, hot, hot."
Even Sirius had to start laughing at that.
Double crap.
"Brilliant," said James, "hey look there are more chapters."
"Maybe she wrote reactions to me doing stuff on the list," smiled Sirius
"Come on," said Remus, "Next chapter already."
"All right," laughed James and he clicked the link.
...
Author Note:
What do you think?