5. Running
A/N: Sorry for the long wait- I wanted to get Edward's perspective, and didn't realize how lofty a goal that was. I've had total writer's block on this one, while inspiration for my other story, A New Harmony, was surging, so I took a break. But here it is, finally.
Edward's POV
I heard her footsteps behind me as I ran. I pushed my legs to pump at nearly top speed, knowing that Bella's extra strength would help her keep up. As my muscles repetitively stretched and contracted and my feet hit the ground, barely touching the twigs and leaves blanket of the forest floor, my mind began to do its own mental sprint to match the stride of my legs. I allowed my consciousness to take off, knowing that because I had followed this path a thousand times before, there was no need to pay very much attention to the dewy branches or moss-covered trunks of the trees that whipped by.
The more I thought about it, the less I could fathom how my life had been, and was still being, transformed. Three days ago, I had been stuck in yet another cycle of high school. It had been monotonous and mind-numbing, but in many ways, that was preferable. I had been able to find ways to get as close to unconsciousness as possible for vampires, and that had meant I could escape from my terrible reality. The other upside was that at least this town had given us enough room to live our lives in a semi-normal fashion. It had been business as usual, and I knew what to expect from the future. We would all graduate from high school again, pretend to or even actually go on to college, before moving on to the next location in about six or seven years. It was boring, but it was comfortable. Not to mention, predictable, exactly the way we all liked it to be. Control was good.
Then she had breezed into Forks High. Ok, so maybe Bella never breezed anywhere when she was a human. It was more like she tripped her way in- she had literally fallen into my life in Biology.
Before that unfortunate turn of events, Bella had already begun to make changes to my existence. With hindsight, it was easy to view them as the tremors before the big earth-shattering quake. During lunch, I hadn't been able to get inside her head to do my usual reconnaissance- to make sure she wasn't suspicious of any of us. No one ever was, but I always checked. Instead of the usual dribble I found in the heads of the children that populated Forks High, all I had heard from Bella was utter silence. That still seemed to be true. From the very instant I encountered her, Bella had altered the way I viewed the world.
I couldn't continue to believe I knew everything. She had complicated any foregone conclusions I had about my own abilities and I wasn't sure how to deal with not being able to figure her out- either the human or vampire version.
And then I had smelled her blood, and the true disaster had begun. The scent of it had been entirely irresistible. I'm sure I scared her out of her mind when she had looked at me in Biology. I had heard the proof in her erratic heartbeat, the catch in her breathing before it soared ahead faster, and the mid-stride pause in her footsteps. Fear had coursed through her, not any sort of surprise considering what she must have seen when she looked at me. I knew the blackness that must have been in my eyes and the pure anger and hatred that had been on my face was intimidating, even to the most brazen of criminals. She had seen every feeling I had experienced, the warring conflict written exactly in my marble features. I had wanted her blood so badly, but I had been repulsed by the desire. The two emotions had violently clashed inside of me. Instead of being upset with myself for wanting what was forbidden, I had directed all my animosity and the energy it produced toward her.
The entire period I sat on edge, trying to fight back the demon inside of me. From years of practice, I automatically stopped breathing, but the lovely freesia was already coating my throat, consuming all the reason and goodness I possessed in the flames it set ablaze. My family, my wish to make Carlisle proud, my own conscience- none of it had ultimately been enough. No matter how disgusted I was with myself, venom continued to pool in my mouth, and my stomach clenched at the thought of blood. My hands mimicked my stomach, gripping the table to restrain me from leaping up immediately and killing everyone in the room, just to taste the warm liquid that coursed through Bella's veins.
When I had at last given in to the idea that I was going to drink Bella's blood, it had been so easy to calm myself. I had been able to put a time table on my suffering, been able to appease the monster with promises that it would be released soon, for the first time in over eighty years.
It no longer mattered that I had promised myself to never drink human blood again. It didn't matter that Bella was a complete innocent. All I wanted was her blood, and the sloshing sound of her heart beat only taunted me.
So I used my natural weapons. Without shame, I had leaned close to her when the bell rang. I knew that being that close to a human always messed with their ability to think, but the scent of her blood overrode any thoughts or remorse.
It had been so easy to coax her out with me once I had stunned her. Thinking back, I remembered asking her if I could walk with her, as if she had actually had any sort of free will in that moment. It hadn't been as easy to maintain my resolve as it had been to capture my prey. When we had hit the fresh air, it had become minutely possible to fight the demon. Reason had made a small advance in my mind as we walked. My conscience surged back into my decision making, forcing itself back to the forefront, until the monster had roared at the chance that it may be locked back up again, and the battle resumed. Ultimately, the monster won, and this time, there was no stopping its rampage.
Again, so trusting, she had just followed me to the parking lot, believing the lie the demon had concocted and whispered to me. On the walk, it took everything in me to not just lift her up, throw her over my shoulders, and run off with her. For whatever reason, I had stopped myself, just as I had earlier in the lab. I guess I wanted to give the real me, the one with morals, one last shot.
My indecision had lasted up until that very final moment. Even as I had cut off any possible escape, as if she could have outrun me, I had given resistance one last shot. I had searched her one more time- if only I could have seen what she was thinking; it may have dissuaded my actions. I might have been able to humanize her further, to see the life within her. But it was still complete silence, no matter how hard I tried to get inside her head, and even the lovely intelligence of her brown eyes was not enough to stop me. I watched as fear finally struck her in the last moments, and knew she had recognized the danger she was in. The pity I felt was only enough to give me the strength to apologize for my actions before the demon broke entirely free.
The moment my venom-coated teeth had pierced her skin, and the first drop of her perfect, delicious blood had touched my tongue, nothing could have changed my intentions. I was going to kill her, and the wondrous silkiness of human blood coursing warmly down my throat made it worth it. It was exquisite, and the beast within made me question why I had ever deprived myself of this pleasure.
Her blood was also different than what I remembered from the days I had roamed the worse parts of cities and drank for the most disgusting of criminals. Not that her innocence made the experience more enjoyable. I may be a monster, but I'm not sadistically twisted. The blood of any human, even that of those vile creatures I had hunted, was always mouthwatering. Yet her blood was above and beyond anything I had ever tasted. Her blood was the ideal, the dream, what every vampire thirsted for. She was entirely unique, and the experience was euphoric. I imagined it was what a high from some sort of drug would be. As intense and potent as her blood was, it couldn't help but think it would have to be a narcotic- heroin maybe.
I drank hungrily, feeling the life slowly slip from her body, hoping that this moment wouldn't end too soon, that she wouldn't be drained too quickly. I barely noticed the meager attempts she made at struggling. Thinking about it now, I was disgusted that I had reduced a human life to something that was to be used for as long as possible, before it was then discarded. No matter how I felt now, I still couldn't deny that was exactly what I had planned on. I had worked out my entire course of action, from misleading her, to checking to make sure no mental voices were too close, to eventually dragging her off into the woods to burn the body. All of it was working out perfectly, if one could say that about first-degree murder, before I had been ripped away from her. Enraged, at being separated from my prey, I had let out a loud growl, wanting to finish what I had started.
I tried to struggle free of what held me back, clawing and biting at the strong sets of arms, unable to reason and identify who they were. The only thing I did sense was that Bella was gone- the scent of her blood had nearly vanished.
At the realization I thrashed a bit harder, before a gust of fresh air calmed me, taming the monster. The light scent of the rain-washed forest on the wind removed the scent of my downfall, leaving only the taste and memory behind. It was enough, and I saw that it was Jasper and Emmet who I was struggling with, and let them hold me down. My want to cling to what I could of humanity came back to me, and I began to feel the first tinges of horror creep in. I also heard that Emmet and Jasper were trying to talk to me.
"Edward, will you please be still?!" Emmet said, exasperation coming through as he used his full strength to pin my left side, knees against my chest and his hands holding one of my arms down. It wasn't really painful, but the pressure was just enough to further snap me back to reality. At the same time, I felt Jasper send calming waves at me, and I let them course through me, embracing the assistance with pushing the grotesque monster back behind the bars of its steel cage.
Finally, becoming more Edward than monster, I was completely still.
"Can we let you up now?" Emmett asked, more serious that I was used to seeing him. I nodded, but he looked to Jasper anyway. Why would he ask me a question if he didn't actually want my answer. Granted, I was not proving to be the most reliable and trustworthy person right now, but it was still frustrating and demeaning.
"Most of the bloodlust is gone- I think he'll be fine." Jasper assessed.
They released me, and we all rose up. I kept my face turned down, unwilling to look at the disappointment that would be all over my brothers' faces. They had just witnessed me turning into exactly what we rebelled against being. Jasper had felt all the deplorable emotions that had been pushing me to be a murderer. I hated that he could be so intimately connected to me right now, in my weakest moment.
"Edward, you didn't kill her." Jasper said, trying to comfort me, obviously sensing my shame. That should have been reassuring- it may sound crass to anyone else, but the fact that Bella was still alive at this instant was a miracle.
Only, there were two problems with that. First, I would have finished the job if they hadn't intervened. The slight taste of Bella's blood left in my mouth made my throat burn just enough to convince me of that. Second, I knew the anger that raged within Jasper at what I had done- I could read it in his mind. Ditto for Emmett's thoughts.
To counteract that, they were both also thinking of how easy it was to fall off the wagon. They wanted me to know they understood. I didn't want them to understand- I had just acted like a monster. I wanted them to show the anger I knew they felt. Not that I didn't have enough anger for myself at the moment.
"Both of you need to stop being sympathetic, right now." I said, deadly quietness in my voice. I even willed myself to meet their eyes to convey my resolve. It only deepened my inner turmoil to gaze into their topaz eyes. I didn't want to think about how mine must be tinged with red, and how the monster had manifested itself through my physical appearance. Surely my lips were stained with the ruby red of blood too.
"I would have killed her, and you know that. I risked our entire family. I deserve what each of you is thinking right now."
"Damn right." Emmett said, as if my permission was all he needed. Jasper shot him death glares, but he continued on. "Do you have any idea how angry Rose is going to be?! Dude, could you at least not attack the new girl, the one with the entire town's attention on her? The one who's father is the Chief of Police?"
While his exact choice of reasons to chide me wasn't quite what I was looking for, at least Emmett wasn't letting me off the hook. And it seemed that it made Jasper willing to talk too.
"Look Edward. What you did is stupid, and I can't believe you would risk our family like this. But, you didn't kill her. And I can feel your remorse and pain over this. I just…" He stopped, obviously not wanting to continue out loud and risk worsening the situation and my own pain. Of course, he didn't have to ask. I knew he wanted to know why I gave in now. He wanted to know what had made me snap. I could see in his mind that he was surprised I was the one who had slipped- Jasper was supposed to be the one always on the edge of doing something like this. Naturally, my mistake was making him wonder if it was even possible to change.
How was I supposed to explain any of this to them? How could I explain the way her blood had cut off all shipments of reason to the decision factory area of my brain?
"I didn't just give in to a random girl Jasper. It doesn't excuse it, but her blood- it was just so appealing. More so than anything I've ever experienced." There really was nothing else to be said. I had no other explanation for myself.
"La Tua Cantante" Emmett whispered, while Jasper thought about how they all smelled the same to his barely-vegetarian senses.
"What?"
"La Tua Cantante. Your blood singer- it's a term Carlisle explained to me, and I think he got it from the Volturi. Humans like that are irresistible to us when we come across them. Her blood sang to you- only you." As he said the words, pictures of two women flashed through his mind, and I saw two of the rare times he had ever slipped up, and the only time outside of his first couple of years. Both women had ended up dead. I saw his memories of the bloodlust he had felt, and how he had reacted without even stopping to consider the options. Jasper recoiled at the faded emotions of Emmett's memories.
"Was it like that?" Jasper asked, in awe.
"Worse." Both of my brothers looked at me in disbelief.
"If that's true, then I think you get props for doing it the responsible way man." Emmett said. I just stared murderously at him.
"What? Dude, if it had been me, I probably would have attacked her in front of everyone."
"Me too." Jasper agreed.
I shook my head, astounded by the crassness and ease they could discuss taking a human life.
But Jasper was right- Bella wasn't dead, and I hadn't taken her life. That fact made me extremely curious to know where she was. I already knew what was happening to her- my venom was in her system, and that led to just one outcome. And it wasn't like I was going to kill her, now that the monster was mostly back in his cage, and reason along with other emotions was commanding my cognitive functions.
I felt a lot like a kid getting caught stealing cookies, and was subsequently too ashamed to go near the kitchen anytime in the near future. Not to mention, the cookie jar was most likely being sufficiently guarded now- any semblance of trust was long gone.
"Where is she?" I asked.
"Alice took her home- she called Carlisle as soon as she got the vision while she ran out here, dragging us along. We only knew what was going on from her end of the conversation." Jasper replied, after taking a moment to survey my emotions to understand my motivations for wanting to know.
Thank God for Alice. Her vision had been nearly too late, due to my indecisiveness. Still, for saving me from committing the worst crime of my life, she was the most amazing sister ever. I turned and darted away, hearing Emmett and Jasper follow.
The moment we entered the clearing around the house, I could hear Bella screaming. As the sound pounded my ears, the full weight of what I had done touched me. If I hadn't been a vampire, I would have collapsed. I had robbed this girl of her life, whether she was dead or not. Her soul was gone. I had doomed her. I had caused her pain. I had ruined an entirely innocent girl, one who had been beautiful and naively sweet. She had been a daughter, a teenage girl who was soon going to grow in to a woman. She would have grown up, gone to college, found a career, gotten married, and had children and grown old. All of that was gone now.
Inside, Carlisle was trying to persuade Bella to calm a bit, but she was not responding. Alice stood off to one corner, not breathing. I had already begun to hold my breath before I entered the house, so the scent of her blood wasn't affecting me. The sight on the other hand…I told Carlisle to call her Bella, and then left the room, unable to stay and watch her suffering or deal with the monster that still stubbornly tried to resurface, despite my remorse. Carlisle and the others would handle it.
I went upstairs, but the sound of her shrieks followed me. I decided there was no way I could stay- I had to get out of here. I knew Carlisle wouldn't let me leave without at least discussing it, and I couldn't deal with that right now. I wasn't even sure what I would tell him. I didn't know how long I would be gone, where I was going, or what I was going to do. He was busy anyway- I decided to just climb out the window.
Just as I lifted the window, the door behind me burst open, without a knock. Jasper and Emmet each rushed through the entrance, catching me red-handed. As they took in the scene, they both moved at vampire speed. Emmet moved behind me, closing the window and blocking my planned escape route. Jasper closed the door and stood his ground.
"I'm leaving." I said simply, unwilling to pretend any differently, despite the fact that I knew I couldn't take them both, even with my mind-reading advantage.
"Don't doubt yourself Edward." Jasper said. "You have to stay- you did it, now you must face up to your actions. She is your responsibility." He cut right to the heart of the matter- he was always doing that. I guess it comes with the territory of being an empath- he knew exactly what to say to get to me. The little shot of guilt he sent at me wasn't exactly fair either, but I couldn't get too angry about that, since it was only what I would have been feeling if I hadn't been wallowing in self-pity.
Of course he was right. I couldn't leave her- and they were both ready to stop me if I tried, though I knew they had stopped me in my tracks already.
I sighed, sitting dejectedly on the couch out of emotion rather than real fatigue.
"I can't stay and listen to this. What else am I supposed to do?" I argued, though resignation permeated my voice as I forced my words out through gritted teeth and clenched jaw.
Both Emmet and Jasper agreed with me in their thoughts, but remained determined to keep me here- or at least, to keep me from running away from Forks, if not in the house. They were each remembering Carlisle's orders.
"Why don't we go hunting?" Emmet suggested.
I cocked my head to the side, thinking about that. Jasper ran through the idea internally, only coming up with positives.
Emmett continued to insist when I didn't respond immediately.
"Dude, you know you'll feel better once the taste of human blood is gone, even if you aren't thirsty. And maybe it will dilute that freaky red in your eyes." Jasper glared at him for the last remark, and his overall crassness, but I just nodded.
___
After asking Carlisle if it was ok, we had left, going to hunt nearby. I wasn't thirsty, but drank until I couldn't any longer anyway. Sloshy, but with nothing but the memory of Bella's blood and a slight tint of orange in my eyes left, we had finally returned home. My mind was clearer now, and my sense of responsibility was coming back. I steeled myself to be ready for anything, even if it meant the constant screaming of Bella. After all, if she was suffering, my own suffering, though it would hardly compare, was deserved.
Surprisingly, when we walked in the front door, the first thing I noticed was the silence. The scent of Bella's blood was gone as well- someone must have cleaned her up. If I hadn't been able to hear her heart, I wouldn't have believed she was in the house. The vast change left me wondering how long we had been gone, and realized it had nearly been a full day- darkness had come and gone.
Despite the relief I imagined being able to block out Bella's cries would bring, the complete absence of her cries didn't comfort me at all. Even though Bella may have been hiding what she was going through internally, I could still remember the burning- more vividly than almost anything else. I knew that she was still feeling that- the occasional outburst from her proved that to me, even if she was staying true to herself by blocking everyone out of what she was thinking and feeling.
Worse, I knew what this was all leading to, no matter how she was reacting right now. What came after the burning was far worse. I had stolen her life, whether she was dead or not. That knowledge put me in true anguish. I also hated myself for losing control, and decided that if I was in this sort of pain for a hundred years, it wouldn't serve as penitence.
However, I resolved to do everything I could to attempt to redeem myself, somehow. I decided the first step was to get into a state where I could be functional. I had to stop breaking down and start directing my energy outward. I had to deal with my own emotions, quickly. There would be no time for them getting in the way later when there was a newborn to control. I locked myself in my room, and began trying to process everything. I knew that most of them, besides Rosalie, were more concerned about me than angry. Especially Carlisle. Though there was more than enough disappointment in his thoughts to make up for his lack of anger.
I knew there was no way I could face them yet, though we would obviously need a game plan later. For now, I put headphones in and turned up the music to drown out any sounds, including the mental ones. I knew I couldn't hide forever, but I really needed what little time I had.
At some point, after just letting emotion after emotion take its full toll, I realized that the completion of Bella's change was marching closer. I would have to face what I had done. She was going to need a lot of guidance, and I had turned her. She was my responsibility.
I had to teach her, but then it would be her choice to stay or go. Of course, we were all going to have to leave soon enough. We couldn't afford any chance of becoming suspicious in a town this small. I knew that Jasper and Emmett had gone to make it look like Bella was attacked by some sort of animal, using her bloodstained clothes. Eventually, a search party would find the evidence and draw the only reasonable conclusion, that some animal had attacked her. It wouldn't be so far from the truth.
The fake evidence would only buy us a little time, but it should give us enough to plan a graceful exit. Not that it was calming Rosalie down. She was screaming at me through her mind, letting her feelings be known through every means possible, including a few words I had never heard her utter out loud due to her training as a proper, if headstrong, lady. I was thankful that she at least had to leave and go to school with the rest, in order to make everything seem normal. I was pretending to be sick for now, but would have to return to school soon enough as well, for the same reasons, as well as to make sure no one's thoughts were linking Bella's disappearance with the fact that I fell ill and went home on the same day.
Not that any of that really mattered at this moment. The whole point was that soon, Bella would be waking up, and I had to be there. I forced myself to move, and got off the couch for the first time in over a day.
I could hear her heart beating loudly as I approached the guest room. Her body was trying to fight the venom but only pushing it through her veins faster. That was the irony of dealing with vampires- no matter what you did to fight us, you only put yourself in more danger. Bella's breathing was shallow and also matched her heart's pace. Her skin was noticeably paler than the rose and cream complexion that was seared into my memories through her blush. The loss of her humanity was already visible.
I tried yet again to peek into her mind, but was completely blocked out as usual. I wished I could know what she thought about this entire situation. I wanted to know if she understood what was happening to her. I knew Carlisle had given her the basics, but there was no way of knowing how much she had actually been able to process in her present condition. I mean, I still got a laugh out of the whole saga Emmett had concocted during his three days. His thoughts had been vivid, colorful, and invetive. However, I had to be resigned that Bella's mind was on mute, so I settled for just watching her, listening to her heart, and wincing every time she let the faintest whimper come through.
Several hours later, after what seemed like an eternity of no change, Bella began crying out in earnest, louder than when she had first been brought here. Any restraint she had been attempting to exercise disappeared, and she thrashed around on the bed. I knew that the venom must be nearly finished transforming her, and I called Carlisle.
He appeared a moment later, assuring me that she was going to wake up soon. Alice had followed him, and piped in, giving me the exact countdown from her vision. I braced myself, wondering what Bella would be like, and how she would react to the irreversible and unasked for modifications to her life.
Her heart beat wildly, just as the rest of my family came into the room, ready for whatever reaction Bella may have. Jasper was especially cautious, remembering his days working with newborns in the South, constructing a vicious army. He knew how dangerous they could be. I knew the stories of how Alice had only been able to restrain herself from a killing spree because of her visions of joining our family. I remembered Rosalie's supreme control, born out of hatred at her low-life fiancée and his friends. I remembered Emmet's exuberance, and how control of his extreme strength and his bloodlust had initially eluded him. I remembered how even gentle Esme had lost control and had moments of monstrosity as a newborn.
All of my experience told me caution was necessary until we saw how Bella would manage. The only safeguards she had were external- she had no special circumstances to rein in her instincts. The pounding of her heart grew even louder and faster, punctuating my thoughts. The sound enraptured every bit of my senses as I clung to the noise, ensuring I would always remember Bella's final moments as a human.
I tensed in anticipation of her last heartbeat before the center of her life stuttered and finally thudded to a halt. Silent expectation hung in the air, and for a long moment, Bella lay entirely still. It was long enough that I wondered whether she would get up at all.
Then, without warning, Bella back flipped off the bed, landing in a crouch. Her eyes were wild and bright scarlet. She scanned the room, and I could tell she was working off of instincts. Knowing that everyone was waiting on me to take control of the situation, I moved toward her, slightly.
Of course, I should have known to give her more warning. In the exact same instant that I shifted my weight, Bella immediately went into position to leap at me, and a growl emitted from her small mouth. The sound hurt me, as I considered that Bella was now a predator. However, her next move was very un-predator like. Though I was prepared to fight her in self-defense, she stopped herself when she saw me and straightened up into a standing position.
She was still on guard, but I was surprised she was able to prevent her instincts from taking full control. Jasper was even more out of his element, and was still mentally warning me to be careful. I told him it was fine before turning my attention back to Bella.
"Bella?" I asked, ensuring that she was listening to me, before attempting to find out if she knew what was going on.
Apparently, the little Carlisle had told her before I came to sit with her had stuck. And she had a crystal clear picture of how all of it had happened- hearing it from her lips seared me with shame, but I encouraged her onward with the occasional question when she became distracted. I could hear the disappointment and anger in my family's thoughts as they heard a full account of how the entire ordeal had went down. Though they all obviously knew I had tried to kill her, they were shocked at the methods I had used, at how I had so craftily isolated Bella. They had no idea that it was pre-meditated- it wasn't something I had been eager to tell them all.
Alice was the only one who wasn't surprised. She had seen it all in her visions, and was presently fully consumed with excitement over Bella. A flurry of visions was soaring through her mind's eye, though they were all blurry and changing too quickly for me to process at the moment.
I was preoccupied with listening to Bella recount everything she knew, reciting it with uncertainty, and constantly drifting. In a sick and twisted way, it was good that Bella could remember it all. It meant I wouldn't have to tell her.
She was drifting off from answering Carlisle's question when Jasper jumped in for the first time- out loud, anyway. His tiny mental forewarnings, reports of Bella's emotions, and interjections had been a constant annoyance since the moment he had entered the room.
"Edward, she's thirsty."
Of course she was- that was to be expected, and I was dreading how to deal with that the first time. Bella was already full of curiosity, whipping her head around to look at Jasper before settling her questioning eyes on me. I met her gaze, though I heard Carlisle telling me that I had things to explain to her.
I knew that, and only agreed, my chest filling with grief over the innocence that Bella was about to lose. It wasn't like it was a request anyway- though his voice was only suggestive, in his head he was reminding me that I was the one who carried the bulk of this responsibility, unless she decided to join our family. Then she would be one of us, and of course, every one of them would then be there to help her.
For now, I was just worried about how I was supposed to tell Bella the details she would need to make that decision.
"Sorry, I turned you into a monster but this is how it all works?"
Or maybe, "I know I tried to kill you, but just trust everything I tell you. And maybe you want to stay here too?"
I sighed, but convinced Bella to follow me downstairs.
When we reached the front door, I realized Bella wasn't following me. I turned to find her and saw she was frozen in place- apparently she was freaking out. That was the only reason a vampire would stop in their tracks like that.
I approached her, worried that maybe she had just processed that it was me, her would-be-killer, and asked her what was wrong. To my surprise, she only wanted to know where we were going.
That should have been simple to answer. We were just going into the woods- except, and then I would have to explain the reason for that. Of course, I would have to tell her soon enough anyway. May as well start trying to broach the topic.
I was about to ask her if she was thirsty, but realized she may not understand what I meant. Bella really did have no idea what was going on.
After explaining that she was indeed thirsty, I could tell that she knew exactly what I meant. She didn't even bother asking me what she was supposed to drink- she only asked me how we were supposed to take care of it. Like the coward I was, I gave her the simplest of answers by telling her we were going hunting. It would just be so much easier to show her- at least then her instincts would lead the way and it would only be later that she could be disgusted at what I had done to her.
I didn't account for her temper though- her exhibition of control upstairs had almost made me forget she was a newborn.
Not that I blamed her for the way she lashed out- I deserved it and I willingly accepted that she had every right to be angry. Surprisingly, as quickly as she let her fury loose, she shoved it all back inside. The impossibility of her control was astounding to me- though it was only causing a hurricane of confused and nearly unintelligible thoughts in Jasper. Her responses were beginning to fuel my fire of curiosity to understand her again, and more than anything I wanted to know what she was thinking.
Before I could stop myself, I blurted out the question I had been pondering for days, without regard to the fact that she had no idea I was a mind reader or the justification for the frustration I was feeling. Her honest but harsh response and demand for answers shocked me to my core, and magnified the pain I was feeling at the moment. I couldn't believe I was even failing at explaining what was ultimately the cost of my most heinous initial mistake. I only seemed to continue to screw up over and over again, the harder I tried.
Therefore, I was even more exasperated that Bella just accepted my apology, but I was also relieved that she began to move, and that emotion distracted me from warning her when she reached to open the door.
I watched as shock registered on her face and she stared at the door she now held, solely supporting its weight in her hands. The scene was enough to make me want to smile, though I was incapable of it at the moment.
Even more amusing was the mental reaction of Esme, more worry for the antique wood of the door in her thoughts than concern for Bella. The flash of being inconsiderate lasted only a moment, and by the time she reached Bella's side, she had switched back to caring mother.
Eventually, we finally made it out of the house after sorting out the door incident. I couldn't help but be a little relieved that Bella now knew about a couple of the changes she had gone through by demonstration, and I wouldn't have to show her or explain any of it. Still, I walked at human pace to the stream to allow for time to gather my thoughts. The incident and Bella's surprisingly moderate response gave me inspiration.
I decided to just model everything from here on in, hoping that Bella would continue to hold up. It had worked to get her into the woods. In fact, her response to the perfect grace she had acquired had been so completely opposite of what I expected, that I couldn't help but smile. It was nice to see her a little happy, even if it was entirely superficial and without any substantial knowledge of the price the perks she was experiencing were coming at.
Apprehension of how Bella's outlook might change once our very nature was laid out for her caused me to waver in my resolve to just exhibit everything for her. Rather than go straight into a hunt, I had suddenly had a new idea occurred to me, and a change in location was in order.
That was where we were now- on our way to the meadow. The sun was supposed to be out soon, and I could think of no better object lesson in how she was now different from her old self, in ways that were unnatural. Then I could show her how to hunt animals, explain the entire vampire code, and let her make her decision. There was no more putting it off, and this was the last time I could delay it. She had to feed, and this would be her first of many opportunities to make the decisions that would define her new existence and potentially change the course of my own life, in conjunction with the family's future.
A/N: I spent a very long time on this one, and put a lot of effort into it, so I hope you all REVIEW. Even if its like...4 words :).