Chapter 19 – Numbers
Harry started jumping on the glass with abandon. He could see Severus rolling his eyes to the side of him but at this moment he didn't care. Ever since he had arrived in Blackpool he seemed to have reverted back to the childhood he never had but always wished to.
'You do know that the glass there is just as thick as the rest of this structure and probably a lot safer but I don't see you jumping anywhere else to see if you fall through.' Severus said, sardonically.
'Spoil sport.' Harry said and stuck out his tongue but finally moved off the small square of glass that was part of the floor.
They silently made their way back down the tower and out into the rapidly darkening evening. Harry tried unsuccessfully to hold back a yawn and Severus smirked at him.
'Tired are we?' He asked.
'Maybe.' Harry replied noncommittally. He'd had an amazing time and still didn't want it to end even though he knew that he might fall asleep at any moment. They had spent the whole morning at Pleasure Beach, the theme park, even though Harry had to go on all the rides on his own as Severus had said that he wouldn't been seen dead on any of these things. Harry secretly thought that Severus was just a big scaredy cat but wisely never said it out loud.
Then they'd had lunch at a cheap burger place and Harry had to hide his smirk while watching Severus trying to stomach eating his cheeseburger. Harry ate his with gusto as he had never been allowed one when he was out with his relatives, which had not been very often anyway.
Then Harry had sulked when he realised he was too big to be allowed to go on a donkey ride, probably the only time in the world that he had been too big for something. He had been worried he would be too small to go on some of the rides at Pleasure Beach.
'I think we will have dinner and then go back.' Severus said, looking at Harry clinically. 'Although there is a disco at the end of the peer we could go to if you really wanted.'
Harry could hear the distaste in his voice as Severus had said the word disco and really wanted to say yes just to see the reaction he would get but in the end he could not be bothered and just shook his head.
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That night after dinner Harry found himself standing before the mirror, as he had been doing most nights since they broke through the glamour. This was not through vanity though, far from it. Some of the time he felt disgusted by the way he looked and even now was pressing his finger to his nose in the hopes that he could push it in a bit to make it smaller. But most of the time it was to check his eye colour again just in case he should find the colour changed back to green.
Of course he knew that this would never happen but this small hope was sometimes all that kept him going. That and the fact that he was taller, and his hair was more manageable. Even he had to admit there were some good things about his changed appearance.
Harry turned away from his reflection and went to have a shower. The day had been great, Harry had to admit that but still he knew that there would be many more not so good days and even after everything that had happened he still didn't think he could handle it all. Having to see Voldemort and pretend he was on his side, having to make friends with the death eater children and go to clubs like Invincible. What he wouldn't give to be somewhere like the Burrow right now.
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That morning though Harry was in for another shock.
Severus had breakfast laid out for Harry when he came into the main room and it was quite a breakfast- three different kinds of eggs, toast, pancakes, mushrooms, tomatoes, hash browns, fruit and a selection of cereals. It was all vegetarian surprisingly but Harry certainly didn't mind. He sat down at the table, giving a grunt as greeting to Severus who was sitting opposite him eating a piece of toast, and filled his plate greedily.
When he thought about it later he should have realised something was up straight away, judging purely by the amount of effort Severus had put into the breakfast. Of course he knew that Severus enjoyed cooking but he normally saved that for dinnertime. He hardly ever made a cooked breakfast.
Once they had both finished Harry helped Severus bring the dishes into the kitchen and while Severus set to work washing the plates Harry grabbed a tea towel from the rail and started drying.
Severus glanced over at the little tea towel in disgust, his lips turning down in a grimace. Harry knew this was because of the very muggle way Harry was drying the dishes instead of using a spell but he didn't care. He liked drying in this way, it relaxed him and he was used to doing this anyway.
Neither of them spoke for a while and dishes were done in a couple of minutes. Harry yawned rather loudly as he walked towards the door, vaguely thinking about going to have a shower, when Severus stopped him.
'Harry, we need to have a talk.'
Harry felt his stomach drop like lead. A talk was never a good thing when it came to them. 'Oh, what kind of talk?' He said, trying to keep his voice light.
'Come through to the sitting room.' Severus said and led the way from the kitchen.
There goes my shower. Harry thought ruefully.
Harry settled himself on the sofa while Severus took the armchair. He steepled his fingers under his chin and assessed Harry critically, as if deciding how to go about telling him something that it was obvious he was not going to like.
'We're invited to a party.' He had obviously decided on the direct approach.
Harry looked up at him sharply. 'What kind of party?' He asked sceptically.
'You know, ones with food and drink and music and dancing.' Severus replied as if it were obvious.
'And…' Harry pressed for more information, as he could already tell this wasn't a normal party.
'And death eaters and pole dancers and some quite explicit forms of entertainment as well as a couple of public orgies once everyone is drunk enough.'
'I see.' Harry said for lack of anything else to say. 'And am I to assume this is one of those invitations that we don't really have the option to decline?'
'You assume correct. Think of it as a cross between a much less formal dinner party and a night out at Invincible.'
'That makes me feel loads better.' Harry said dryly. 'Will Voldemort be there?'
'Oh most assuredly. Unlike the dinner parties these are purely for the Dark Lords benefit and he will expect everyone to be there, including the other bonded children, some of which you have yet to meet.'
'Right.' Harry thought for a moment. 'What do you mean by explicit forms of entertainment?'
'All sorts of things.'
'That's very forthcoming, thank you.' Harry said sarcastically. 'Are we talking Sex, torture or something else?' Harry asked.
'May well be all of these things or none of tem. We never know until it happens and I believe that the Dark Lord won't know until then either. He likes to be spontaneous.'
'I thought the Dark Lord didn't do torture or anything like that.' Harry replied.
Severus gave him a sceptical look at that. 'I am sure you know better then to believe anything that comes out of his mouth but I can see that you are thinking along the wrong lines. They don't take a random muggle family off the streets for the fun of it, if that is what you are thinking, although I wouldn't put it past them. As you know the Dark Lord like to punish his followers for the least misdemeanour and he likes to do that publicly.
'And of course you mentioned sex and I am sure you have heard of BDSM. Most of the death eaters are very twisted souls and pain really turns them on. So it could by a type of willing torture if you want to call it that. Of course then there are slightly worse things that are sometimes done at parties but are genuinely left for formal meetings and they are harsher things to make an example of a traitor or someone they were able to catch who has actively apposed them, for example if they were able to capture someone from the Order they would torture them for information.
'However, it is true that the Dark Lord does not torture just for the sake of it. If he doesn't actually want anything from someone but still objects to them in principle he will just kill them outright, but that is usually just because he doesn't like to waste his time. The muggle studies teacher was killed in July, purely for trying to educate people on muggles and what nice people they can be.'
'She was killed? By him?' Harry asked, sounding quite shocked and a little hurt.
'Yes. You didn't know her that well did you?' Severus asked in confusion.
'Well no, I wasn't taught by her or anything.' Harry replied. 'But still, she was a Hogwarts teacher. I saw her in the halls a lot and stuff like that. It's strange to think she won't be there this year.
Severus chuckled but there was no humour in it at all. 'I doubt Hogwarts will be anything like the same as it was last year and I am not talking about the fact that Dumbledore will not be there.'
'What are you talking about then?'
Severus sighed and gave Harry that Assessing look again as if wandering how much he should tell Harry.
'Listen, The Dark Lord is in the Minister pockets. There is probably not may departments left in the ministry that is not under his control already, secretly or not. The school is under control of the ministry. Do I have to spell it out for you any easier?'
'No.' Harry said bitterly.
'Good.' Anyway we are going off subject but I would like to come back to this later as it may well involve me in a capacity you may not have seen before.'
Harry went to say something but Severus cut him off before he had a chance to start by putting his hand up to stall him. 'I said we will discuss it later but I suppose there are a couple of things I can say to you now that will help with your understanding for later.
Harry was intrigued, although he didn't want Severus to think he was overly interested so he shrugged. 'What do you mean?' he said.
'You need to understand some of the things that I have done, am doing and will have to do before the end of this war. Spying to me has become second nature to me but I don't think you realise quite what I have to do. You have seen that I act differently when I am around the other death eaters for obvious reasons and I will have to act differently again at this party.'
'Yes, I understand that.' Harry said.
'The thing is that I don't think you do, not really.' Severus said. 'Maybe I need to tell you a couple things about me even though I can't imagine you would be happy to hear them. But I still think that you need to know.'
Harry nodded but purposely did not look at Severus. 'Okay.' He said, biting his nails.
Severus sighed and then grabbed hold of Harry's hand and yanked it back to his lap. 'Stop that, it's a filthy habit.'
Harry sighed. 'Sorry.' He said but Severus was already on the other side of the room fixing up drinks for them both.
He came back a few minutes later with two firewhiskeys and set them in front of them. Harry picked his up and took a sip but Severus left his untouched.
Severus ran a hand through his hair shakily. 'The best way to do this I think, is to give you some numbers.'
'Numbers?' Harry asked, confused.
'Yes. I think it is the easiest way for you to understand what I have done willingly and what I have had to do for the cause. So that you have no misconceptions about me or my character.'
Harry nodded and took another sip of his drink. Firewhiskey was quite calming for him now, it actually amazed him to think that at one point he found it too strong.
'So lets start with the worst and that would be ten.' Severus said, looking anywhere but at Harry.
'Ten what?' Harry felt very confused but didn't want to say so as he could tell that Severus was finding this very hard, whatever it was.
'Ten is the number of people I have killed. And by that I mean directly killed, pointed my wand at them and uttered the killing curse.'
Harry felt himself shuddering internally but tried very hard to keep his face unreadable, as if they were discussing what to have for dinner. He nodded stiffly.
He could see Severus peek a glance at him from the corner of his eye and then look back at the floor.
'And then I would say about another forty I have been responsible for killing, even if I did not actually do so myself.' Severus paused and took another swift look at Harry. 'And I include your parents in this list.'
Harry coughed slightly to cover his discomfort. This at least was something he already knew. Not trusting his voice he just nodded again.
'Three would be the number of people I have … raped. And again I include your mother in this. And I would say between twenty and twenty five would be the number of people I have tortured or helped to torture.'
Severus was no longer looking at Harry's reaction to what he was saying and had started talking very fast, as if to get it all out of the way. Now he had finished speaking the silence hung in the room like a bad omen and Harry felt like he had to say something just to break the oppressive silence.
'I already knew some of this anyway.' He said, after a while. 'I knew you raped my mother and that was the one thing I couldn't get over for a while.'
Harry swallowed uncomfortably and this time it was his turn to glance at Severus to gage his reaction. Severus was still making it a point not to look at Harry and at this moment was staring up at the ceiling as if in deep thought.
'But I knew you were a true death eater at some point so I shouldn't be surprised at knowing this.' He continued.
'And are you surprised?' Severus asked.
'A little.' Harry nodded his head. He made a mental promise to himself to be as truthful as possible throughout this conversation as he knew that Severus was being truthful himself. No matter how hard it was to say these things.
'Well you should know that some of these things I did were after I turned spy.' Severus said. 'I would say about a third of them were. No matter how difficult I found it I had to keep my cover.'
Harry nodded again. 'Yes, I understand that.'
Severus finally took sip of his drink. 'But I never did really enjoy killing or torture, even when I was a proper death eater. I was just manipulated into believing that I had to do these things for the greater good. That sometimes you have to do things you may not like to get your point across and see change. I'm sure the Dark Lord gave you a variation of this speech when you went to see him before.'
'Oh, yeah, something about how this is a war and unfortunately people die in a war but it is just an unfortunate side effect.'
Severus chuckled again but again there was no humour in it.
'There are a couple more numbers I could give you.' Severus said almost shyly. 'That I think you will be much more happy to hear.'
'Yeah?' Harry asked, finishing of his drink.
'Yes. The first one being fifteen. That is the number of people I have directly saved from death. Sixteen if I can count you in that.'
Harry smiled. 'You can. I do realise how many times you have saved my life, directly and indirectly.'
'Well that brings me onto the last number.' Severus said. 'And that is well over a couple of thousand. The number of people I have indirectly saved from death by passing on information about attacks and other such things. Not to count the number of people I have saved from rapes and tortures. I have to admit that a couple of times, when I thought I could get a way with it I saved some people before I turned spy. Like I said, I never liked torturing and killing people. This is the reason I continue to do what I do, although I don't even think any of it can make up for what I have already done.'
'I do.'
'You would. You're a Gryffindor and you have this saving people thing.'
Harry couldn't help the small smile that appeared on his face. 'And you do happen to be my father.'
'Yes, well that doesn't mean anything.'
'I think it's starting to.'
'Well it shouldn't!' Severus got up quickly and turned away from Harry. 'After everything I told you it should make you hate me and I would deserve it. Tomorrow night you will be seeing me in a whole different light and you won't like it. Don't make this harder then it already is.'
'I wasn't trying to, I was just—'
'Well don't!' Severus almost shouted. 'Just … don't.' Then he walked from the room, slamming his bedroom door behind him.
Harry just sat there in stunned silence for a while. This was the side of Snape that he didn't like and the problem was that he never knew when it was going to pop up. Finally he got up and went to his room in search of something to do to take his mind off the things that had been disclosed. He started studying his new books for a while but found that he could not really concentrate on them. Then he caught sight of Hogwarts: An interesting history and his gut clenched.
Hogwarts under control of Voldemort? It made him sick just to think about it.
He finally decided on writing another letter to Ron and Hermione and he knew that he shouldn't have only thought of doing this because he was bored. He knew he was being neglectful of them but it also hurt him too much to think about them too often, knowing that there friendship was effectively over, at least until Voldemort was destroyed. Fucking Voldemort. He has to ruin everything.
He would find a way to make Severus send it later, when he was in a better mood and he vowed that he would start writing to them more, at least as much as Severus would allow as it was now his only method of communication to them and the only way of keeping their friendship alive, no matter how tentative.
There wasn't really a lot that he could say at this moment, not that he was allowed to say anyway.
Dear Ron and Hermione
So I've just come back from Blackpool and you should have seen Severus lying on the beach in his black muggle clothes, people couldn't stop staring at him, he looked so out of place. We went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach, which is a muggle theme park and was great fun, although Severus refused to go on any of the rides so I felt a bit of a loner. I didn't mind though as the Dursleys would always leave me with Mrs Figg when they went on trips so this was a step up.
You will notice that I am calling Severus by his first name now, I really feel we have found some common ground but things have not progressed so far yet that I would start calling him father or dad. I still shiver at that thought.
Both Malfoys are gone so that is some good news but I have to go to a death eater party tomorrow night so they may be there. Apparently these parties are a real rave. The entertainment usually involves naked girls and everyone gets so drunk they start shagging each other.
Talking of shagging did you know that Severus is doing it with Narcissa Malfoy?
Harry finished the letter off and then tore it in half, went out into the living room and threw it in the fire. He had learnt his lesson the last time.
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'Will you post this at some point please?' Harry asked Severus as politely as possible, holding out the scroll towards him.
Severus grunted but took the proffered parchment. 'Undoubtedly another piece of prose for your dear little friends.'
Harry chose not to reply to this as he knew it wasn't really needed.
Severus unrolled the scroll and had a quick glance through it before making that grunting noise again and depositing the scroll in one of his robes many pockets. 'If I get the time.' Was all he said before turning around and going back into his lab.
Harry was about to go back into his room when the door of the lab opened again and Severus poked his head back through. 'Also, you spelt dictionary wrong. How ironic!'
Harry poked his tongue out at the newly closed door.