Disclaimer: I own nothing

Warning: Slash and Stupidity

"James your mom is an ah-mazing cook." Groaned Sirius. Remus hummed happily in agreement.

James nodded in agreement and then pointed at the computer. "You want to continue."

"Why not," said Sirius.

James picked up the laptop and read,

NUMBER 7: DELIBERATELY INVITE MOANING MYRTLE TO THE PREFECT'S BATHROOM WHILE HE AND REMUS ARE 'BATHING' TOGETHER.

"No" said Remus, "I draw the line at actually reading us do… it."

Sirius nodded his head.

"No complaints here," said James as he clicked to move to the next chapter. He waited a bit and then smiled evilly, "This is going to good."

NUMBER 12: TRANSFIGURE REMUS INTO A PUPPY AND NAME HIM 'SQUISHY'.

Sirius smiled, "Brilliant."

Remus groaned, "Great."

"Mr. Black, what in God's name is that?"

"Why, my lovely professor, he's a puppy! Isn't he sweet?" Sirius Black lifted up the white, fluffy puppy on the chair next to him and placed it on his desk. The puppy had soft droopy ears and large, bright amber eyes.

"Awwww," cooed the two boys as Remus tried to beat himself to death with a pillow.

The poor thing was tiny and its fur was adorably messy and tousled. Soft 'awww's were drawn from each and every girl as the puppy curled into a small ball on the desk so its eyes were focused on Sirius.

"You're so cute," cooed Sirius, "I may just transform you permanently."

"If you dare…"

"Why is it in my lesson, Mr. Black?" Professor McGonagall ignored the puppy, staring sternly at the young Black.

"Because... If I leave him on his own... he'll get sad." Sirius' long fingers threaded through the fur softly as he picked him up and held him gently against his chest so the puppy was facing the transfiguration teacher.

James snorted, "No one would stand a chance."

Professor McGonagall stared at the wide amber eyes in her line of sight and sniffed slightly in annoyance. There was no way she'd be able to throw out something that...that... cute...

"I am not cute goddamn it!"

"Fine, Mr. Black. But any disruptions, both of you are getting detention." Black nodded, grinning cheekily.

The puppy wriggled out of Black's grip and leapt lightly on the desk. As McGonagall turned slightly, she could have sworn that the puppy was giving Black the evils.

"I probably hate you right now,"

"Obviously"

"Hehe. You're a pretty good puppy, Moony. Maybe I should keep you like this."

"Weird, we think the same!"

"Dog freaks," coughed James and then cried out in surprise when he was smacked with a pillow.

"Grrrrrr."

"Ouch! Don't bite- Oww!Stop that or I'll leave you alone in a room full of first year girlies!"

James snorted as Remus started to cower in fear.

"Mr Black, what is it that you have there?"

"A Puppy, Professor Flitwick." Sirius replied, lifting the scrabbling puppy from his bag and plopping it gently on his desk. "Name's Squishy."

Flitwick raised an eyebrow, making his way over to the pair. "And, er, why is he here?"

"I just thought maybe you'd feel better if there was someone smaller than you in the classroom."

Sirius started laughing, shortly followed by Remus and James. It took a few minutes for them to relax again.

The Black heir answered cheekily, smirking at the teacher. At this, the puppy growled at Sirius, baring his tiny teeth.

"Black!" Lily hissed in shock and anger; how could anyone be so rude?

"Easy, be me."

Sirius dismissed her with a wave of his hand.

"Mr Black, one more 'short' comment like that and you're getting detention." The charms professor snapped. "Both of you."

The puppy's snarls grew in volume when the little ball of fur heard this statement.

Jumping on Sirius and attempting to kill him, 'Squishy' soon realised, did not help matters at all. Many of the girls seemed to believe that this hostility shown towards his 'master' (a term Sirius snickered heartily at)

"Of course you did."

James frowned, "You know we still haven't established who'd top."

Sirius and Remus shook their heads, "Obviously Pads/Moony."

The two glared at each other.

"Okay then," James aid softly starting to read again.

was caused by having a particularly violent 'owner'. The poor puppy was soon declared as being 'Sirius-ly abused'

"AHHH," cried Remus, "Not the pun! Not the dreaded pun!"

Sirius chuckled cruely

(surprisingly enough, Sirius also found this absolutely hilarious) and by the end of the lesson most of the girls had attempted to kidnap him.

Sirius, the smug bastard that he was

"I am, I know."

, simply accioed him back, catching him easily in his arms.

It was safe to say that 'Squishy' was planning a very cruel revenge on his 'master'.

"Sirius, do you know where Remus is? It's not like him at all to miss two lessons!"

"He's feeling horribly ill James. He's in the dorms, snoring his cute little head off."

"I am NOT cute."

"Yes you are," said James and Sirius.

"Oh... What's wrong with him?"

"You know, it was full moon three days ago... Still recovering."

"Three days is a long time to recover." Frowned Remus

"Oh. Ok... Hope he gets better, then..."

Sirius snorted, "Can't believe you bought that."

"Hmm."

"Um, one more thing. Where on earth did you get the puppy from?"

"Remus."

"...But-"

"Bye, James."

"Can I just tell you, Mr Black, that it is quite dangerous to have such small animals in the potions laboratory?"

"Sorry, professor Slughorn. But, you see, he has nowhere to go..." Sirius shoved 'Squishy' in Slughorn's face, both canines' eyes large and sorrowful (but for completely different reasons).

"That is just cruel," groaned James who had been on the receiving end of both of the canine's puppy eye.

Sirius knew that the potions professor would completely melt when he saw the little fluff-ball.

"Ah... Um. Fine. Just don't let him near the cauldrons. You don't want him falling in, do you?"

"If I do…"

Slughorn rested his hands on his gelatinous belly and turned away to the blackboard so he could start the lesson.

Sirius pulled the puppy close to him so they were almost nose to nose. "Hey, baby. Be careful, won't you, love? Wouldn't want your lovely fur to be ruined by the evil potions, eh?" his whispered, grinning when his little puppy tried to bite his nose off. Hmmm. Remus was going to kill him later.

"You know I will."

He should be scared, but the struggling puppy in his hands was simply too adorable to be remotely frightened of. Remus, on the other hand, was a completely different story...

Oh well.

It was totally worth it.

'It is."

"Squishy? Squishy? James! He's gone!"

"YOU LOST ME!"

"I swear he was next to your cauldron!"

"No! He's not there! James, I need to find him!"

"He's probably still here somewhere. Calm down!"

"No! You don't understand- SNAPE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY PUPPY?"

"EWWWW!" cried James, "You're probably covered in grease."

Remus pulled a disgusted face.

Sirius leapt out of his seat and practically flew over to the Slytherin's desk, on which his poor puppy was quivering. His wand was out and pointing at the Slytherin as he scooped up 'Squishy' in an arm. Sirius had no idea what Snape was about to do to his puppy, but whatever it was, it couldn't have been good.

He slipped 'Squishy' inside his cloak, making sure it was securely wrapped around him.

"Mr Black, return to your seat immediately!"

"But he tried to hurt my puppy."

Professor Slughorn waddled up to them, brow creased in a frown. Oh, no, the potions professor wasn't just going to stand there while one of his favorite students got hexed over a puppy.

"But professor-" Sirius protested, smoky grey eyes furious.

"No buts, Black. Go back to your seat. The potion is very dangerous and it wouldn't do to have any accidents. Would it?"

"Favoritism much," snorted James

"You don't seem to mind when it's directed at you though."

"Completely different story."

Remus just rolled his eyes.

Sirius threw an outraged glare at the greasy Slytherin and then stalked back to his desk, vowing silently to himself to get revenge. Pulling out 'Squishy' from his cloak, he placed him on his lap, glaring around at the still and silent classroom.

How dare Snape even touch him! Ugh. My poor baby.

The puppy lifted a paw and slipped it into Sirius' large hand. Then, 'Squishy' nuzzled his soft head into Sirius' stomach, smiling a small doggy smile when he lifted it up again.

"Awwwwwwwwww" cooed the boys and even Remus had to agree he was cute.

"Sorry 'bout that, Moony. Snape won't ever touch you again. Did he do anything? Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do you want me to hex him? How are you feeling? Do you wanna just sleep in my bag for a while? Do you wanna play fetch or something? Do you wanna eat something? Moon-

"Grrrrr."

"...Um... Err... Love ya."

"Pads... Why does Squishy have an eye-patch?"

Sirius burst out laughing at the image as Remus glared at him full force.

"He be a pirate, me matey. Ye be gettin' me some rum now, me laddie. Arrrr..."

"Shiver me timbers! Yer pirate voice is crap, ye scurvy dog!"

James started laughing as well and Remus had to take the computer to keep on reading.

"Sirius, why are there bright pink ribbons in Squishy's fur?"

You could hear the laughter in Remus's voice as he read even if he was the victom.

"Why, he's a ballerina my dear Prongs."

"Um... Why is Squishy wearing a kilt?"

"He's Scottish, Prongs, honestly!"

"My Scottish accent is way better than yours."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"GUYS!"

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

Remus sighed, "So predictable."

James wondered into the boys' dorm to see Sirius sitting with 'Squishy', pulling a brush through his fur.

"Sirius, you've lost it."

Sirius looked up at him innocently, cocking his head to the side. "Lost what? Squishy is right here."

"Your mind. You've lost your mind!

Remus snorted, "He had had to have it to lose it James."

James shrugged, "I guess."

Sirius pouted, "I blame the incest."

You've finally gone crazy. And you've betrayed me! You've left me all alone in 'The World of the Sane' while you're off in some crazy parallel world where it's normal to dress up puppies as pirates and ballerinas!"

"You're not that sane either, Prongs."

"Oh shut up and read."

"Aw. Come join me! It's fun!" Sirius beckoned James closer, gesturing towards the seat next to him. The stag Animagus inched nearer, narrowing his eyes. Sirius was crazy, yes, but this was way over the line. That poor puppy was probably traumatized enough.

"Where's Remus by the way?" James looked over to their wolfy friend's bed, surprised when it was empty.

"Probably at the hospital wing." The dog Animagus shrugged, not looking up from primping 'Squishy's' fur.

"You know," James frowned, "you're acting as though you couldn't care less that your boyfriend is ill! You should be visiting him, but noooo you're here dressing up a puppy!"

"Rem won't mind."

Whilst James and Sirius had been chatting, 'Squishy' had leapt off of Sirius' lap and trotted over to Remus' bed. He hopped up onto it and burrowed under the covers, letting out a soft doggy sigh. Maybe, if he slept a little bit, things would go back to normal.

"No day is ever normal at Hogwarts," sighed Remus melodramatically.

"I know, isn't it great," smiled James

Remus just sighed.

"Good morning, Moony!"

"Leave me 'lone... Bleaughh...Whossat?"

"Me! Your lovely, gorgeous, amazing, sexy boyfriend!"

"...Sirius?"

"...Remus... why are you looking at me like that?...

"In what way?" asked James wiggling an eyebrow.

Sirius and Remus went beat red.

M-moony...?"

"Squishy."

"I'm soooo pissed."

"M-m-moony-"

"Squishy?"

"Please, listen to me-"

"Sirius. I. Am. Going. To. KILL. YOU!"

"ARGH!"

Remus was now laughing evilly as Sirius cowered in a corner.

"I wish I still had my paws so I could scratch your bloody eyes out!

Ack, sorry James!

Sirius Black, get your fucking arse here right now! I am going to murder you, torture you, kill you, slaughter you and then feed you to the flobberworms!"

At the last time everyone burst out laughing. Even Sirius despite his total fear of Remus at that point.

"Next!" cried James. Remus nodded and clicked the button for the next chapter.

Author Note"

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