10. Wrapped in Your Arms
A/N: Title is from the song by Fireflight- inspiration for this chapter. Sorry for the delay- my school won the NCAA title in basketball, and I've been catching up on the schoolwork I put off that weekend plus over Easter. But this chapter has a little drama and a little romance. Hope you like it. : )
Bella's POV
For the next couple of weeks, life continued in a surprisingly normal fashion. Or at least, it was as normal as was possible when one is adjusting to being an entire different species as a mythical creature.
Despite the visit by the wolves and our current danger, everyone continued going to school and work and no one acted like we were actually in trouble. Even though I knew that in itself was part of the act, in many ways the normalcy was disconcerting. It just seemed logical that everyone else should be worried as I was, considering the problems we could encounter and the deception we were trying to accomplish. If anyone else had my feelings, they weren't showing them.
Every time I brought up my concerns, they were brushed off- Alice would tell me that our futures looked fine, Jasper would send me waves of calm, Emmett laughed at the idea of danger, Rosalie offered reassurance in the form of her own determination to be fine, and Carlisle and Esme both reminded me that the family had been in similar situations before.
The only person I hadn't talked to about it was Edward, so I had no idea what he would say. I didn't really want to do anything that might inspire his brooding again, so I kept quiet on the subject.
Ever since the night that the wolves had came and we had talked, it had seemed that we had reconciled. I noticed that he never looked as depressed anymore, and I didn't catch him in moments of despair or with the look that told me he was wandering into the past and his personal sea of regrets. For my part, I felt more at ease around the house and stopped barricading myself in the study, no longer wondering if I was causing him pain by being in the same room, acting as a reminder. It was funny- I hadn't even realized my reasons for isolating myself.
Now I made attempts to be social, spending more time around downstairs, though it forced Esme to lower the metal layer over the wall of glass windows. That way no one could see inside the house, and spot me walking around. It hadn't been a worry before, because we lived so far away from town.
The first time Esme had done it, I had stood in shock and awe. I hadn't been aware that the thick metallic barrier existed. I shouldn't have been surprised- the Cullens had a contingency plan for everything. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder if this may tip off the wolves, but she assured me that we would still have deniability. They could always claim they had done it as a preemptive safety measure, in case they decided to attack, even without any proof.
In all honesty, the alibi wasn't such a stretch. It was possible the wolves could attack any time, even with only the assumption that the Cullens had been associated with my disappearance. Scouting runs had been made around the house, and each time, new trails were found, left by the Quileutes. They all had to have been made during the day- everyone still went on hunting trips out of necessity, but runs were made to check for the presence of wolves before each outing. If they were found, there was no way I could go out, because seeing me would have given them the necessary proof to declare war. Though actual wolves were never encountered, their tracks had to be made sometime. Obviously, since they were never found in the afternoons or at night, they were playing smart and only checking during the day, while everyone was gone. That was when we were most vulnerable, and when they were safest.
The constancy and ghost-like quality of the enemy presence gave a concrete urgency to the need to move on from Forks. The plan developed in the family council was implemented quickly, and Carlisle put in his notice to the hospital the next morning. Esme called the schools, handling the withdrawal of everyone else. Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward handled staging conversations around school to get the rumors of our move out, since no one ever talked to them directly. Alice looked constantly into the future, always checking to see if any townspeople would become suspicious and to make sure our futures remained intact. After missing the visit of the werewolves, she had discovered that they produced a blindspot in her vision, and took on the difficult task of looking for any new holes and gaps. Jasper kept a monitor on the emotions at the school and around town, also checking for suspicions.
I felt useless in the whole scheme, unable to do anything to help as progress was made. Though I was now allowing myself to wander the house, I was still confined to the indoors, with the exception of my only necessity. Though hunting should have been a relief for both its physical effects and because it was my solitary exercise of freedom, the act weighed on me. I wasn't allowed to go on short hunts with Esme during the day anymore, or with anyone else. Those had been bad enough, because I knew I was the pulling Esme from her work. I couldn't be trusted to go on my own, and that detracted from her time.
Now, that feeling was magnified by a hundred. Not only did I have to find someone to go with me, but everyone was required to go in groups of four or more for the sake of safety. That meant I had to drag along half the family for my frequent, and now risky, hunts, when they could have been doing any number of other safer things.
The only good that came out of the entire situation was that it forced me to build endurance. I would hold out as long as possible between each trip, forcing myself to ignore the aching burn in my throat. The first time I lasted just the usual two days, and that was only because Edward wouldn't let me try to hold out longer because my last trip had been so short. We had argued for a solid fifteen minutes before he had convinced me to go. After that, I made sure to drink as much as was possible, so that he couldn't use that argument again. I had increased my endurance by one day for each of the last two trips, and was now stretching out into a fourth day for the first time.
Edward still wasn't happy with this arrangement. The longer I waited between hunts, the more sullen he got. Presently, as I leaned against one of the arms of the couch, legs straightened out in front of me across the cushions and flipping through one of Rosalie's magazines, he was in the armchair to the right of the television. He was pretending to watch the basketball game that was playing on the screen, but I didn't miss the glares he kept shooting my way. I chose to ignore them.
While I refused to acknowledge his reactions out of an attempt to avoid another episode involving a disagreement like last time, I couldn't help but find them simultaneously hilarious and touching. That he even felt comfortable enough to fight with me and give death stares was strangely comforting, and I was happy that he seemed to be moving beyond his issues. At the same time, his brooding was comical in a lot of ways. The current look on his face pushed me over the edge- I couldn't help but laugh. I tried to keep my laugh low but I knew he wouldn't miss it. His face grew darker than I had seen it in recent days, and he openly looked at me.
"What's funny?" he asked.
"I'm sorry- its nothing. I shouldn't laugh, but your face was priceless."
He remained serious, face drawn. "Bella, its nothing to laugh about. I know you must be in pain."
I grimaced at his mention of the burning, internally angry that he had made me shatter my façade. He was right on that account. I was in pain- half the time I was hardly here at all, directing all of my attention to submerging the fire and longing that was its own sort of torture. Anything to stay in control. Take the magazine for example- of course I hadn't been reading about fashion, but no one seemed to notice it when I did things like pretend to read or watch television. No one except for Edward, apparently.
"You shouldn't be going so long without feeding. This is ridiculous- are you planning on waiting until tomorrow before we leave?" Edward continued after he took note of my reaction and I didn't respond. He was obviously using his last question rhetorically, letting it be known how absurd he thought the idea to be.
If only he knew. In fact, I had been considering it. Why not? No one else would need to go until tomorrow, before we all piled into cars and started driving cross country. Another inconvenience that was my fault- they could have flown if I was capable of being around people. It would be much easier on everyone if I just waited until in the morning. That way I wouldn't interrupt any last minute packing...
Edward saw my internal thoughts written all over my face. As was becoming more common, he had no need of his mind reading ability to know what I was feeling and thinking.
"No. There is no way you can wait that long. I won't let you." He said, voice low and deliberate.
"You won't let me?" I inquired, incredulous at his presumption of authority. "Who gave you that right?" I felt my anger level rising. Though my emotional reactions were much more my own lately, the intensity of the feelings themselves were unstoppable. It didn't help that I had gone so long without hunting. Not that Edward was right.
"No. And no one- but I might go talk to Carlisle."
I narrowed my eyes. He wouldn't. Of course Carlisle wouldn't actually force me to do anything- he respected my freedom. Except, Carlisle could choose to move the hunting trip for the entire family to tonight, instead of waiting until tomorrow. And he would do that, if I was forced to explain why I wanted to wait. While he respected my liberty, he also wanted me to be comfortable in every way, and insisted that I was a valuable part of this family, not a burden. I couldn't count the number of times I had heard that. Thus, if he knew how I felt, it would force his hand to change the plans, all on my account. Which would, of course, only make me feel worse because I would be taking away time that could only be had at night from him and Esme, Emmett and Rosalie, and Alice and Jasper. As disgusting as all of that was to think about…
"Edward…" I tried to warn, while my voice came out weaker, as a less authoritative protest.
"Bella, please." He said. "You know how silly this all is- just go."
Why was it that everyone was always appealing to how weak I was? I hated it, and I hated the feeling of inferiority it gave me. The intensifying of the burn in the back of my throat as it returned to my consciousness was obnoxious too. I worked so hard to push it to the back of my mind.
"You know, if you didn't bring it up so often, I would be in less pain." I retorted, settling in for an argument. His pleading wasn't going to change a thing.
"Newborns aren't meant to go this long with feeding." He said, presenting the inescapable fact. I knew that was true. But I also knew I wasn't the usual newborn. I had gathered that much- my control was above and beyond what anyone of the Cullens had ever seen or heard of. As silly as it was, I was a little proud of my unique talent, and if anyone asked, I wouldn't be able to deny that it was part of the reason I was testing myself. Though it was only a small piece- mostly I truly did want to be less of a problem for the Cullens.
"None of us mind going out with you- I should know." He said, knowing my usual points in these discussions and appealing to his ability. "I know I certainly don't."
I closed my eyes, pushing down my anger. I noted the softness in his voice as he had added that last bit, and chalked it up to him appealing to my emotions and turning this argument more personal. I took a deep breath, and sat up on the couch, discarding my magazine on the floor as I opened my eyes.
"I know that." I answered, and I did. "But that doesn't mean I don't still feel bad that so many of you have to go with me. You can't deny that doesn't make me a burden, even if you all insist on carrying me."
His face drew together, the familiar lines forming on his forehead as he thought. A few moments later, he spoke.
"What if it was just me that went with you?" he asked. I thought about that. It was certainly better that forcing the whole family to change plans, or dragging three others out with me. But it was impossible.
"What about safety, Carlisle's rules?"
"I'll ask Carlisle of course- but the wolves never come out here at night and we leave at daybreak. There isn't any risk."
Hmmmm…he had a point.
"Don't you have anything else you should be doing?" I asked, unable to come up with any other objection.
"No- my room is all in boxes- I don't exactly have the amount of clothes Alice does." He broke into a grin. He knew I had no other defenses- he had won.
I shook my head at my defeat, though I couldn't help but notice I wasn't really that upset about it.
"Fine. If Carlisle says it's alright."
"Okay then, shall we?" he asked, gesturing to the stairs. I nodded and he stood from the chair, waiting for me at the base of the stairs as I dawdled behind him.
We entered Carlisle's office, where his door was wide open. He had heard most of our conversation. After only a little haggling, Carlisle agreed. There was no danger tonight, and we would be long gone tomorrow.
---
We raced through the darkened woods, our footsteps barely audible whispers on the layer of twigs and leaves. I breathed slowly in and out, enjoying the smell of the outdoors. The musty scent of damp earth, laced with the moistness of the moss and freshly rain-rinsed leaves was calming. I inhaled deeper, my chest expanding fully. I held my breath, savoring the scents for a long time before exhaling.
I watched as the trees and other plant life whipped by, all in shades of black and gray under the cover of night, rather than the usual vibrant green. Vines and thin branches tickled my skin lightly, instead of scratching and bruising as they would have if I was still human. I smiled at the sensation, along with the feel of the wind rushing through my hair and against my face. Running was my favorite activity these days, especially since I was becoming so accustomed to staying cooped up inside the house. It was only better because the weight of worrying about dragging unnecessary people along was relieved. I enjoyed the experience, knowing I would be stuck in a car for days in a few hours. I couldn't help but compare it to the only other time I had ran through the woods alone with Edward. Not only was it a matter of night and day, we were both different people after just these two weeks. We knew each other better, and the initial tension was easing, though it hadn't vanished. I no longer harbored anger, and he wasn't weighed down in the same way by guilt. This time I was truly flying, no longer tied down by worries, and the experience was better for both my company and my personal state. I never wanted to stop.
Though we had to stop eventually, we ran for a solid fifteen minutes, further than I had ever gone before. It was as if Edward really could read my mind, and if I didn't know better, I would have sworn he did. Finally Edward slowed and came to a standstill, and I halted beside him.
"Thanks." I said, looking at him, taking in the sight of a stray beam of moonlight escaping from behind a cloud, bringing out a gleam of copper in his hair.
He shrugged. "I knew you must have been dying to get out of the house. You've insisted on not leaving for so long." The second half of his statement was half joking, half leftover bitterness and his small, tight smile reflected the tension between the two.
I smiled back, unable to even be angry at his bitterness after soaring through the night's fresh air. "Well, I'm out now." I responded.
"Yes, you are, finally. And we should probably get on with it." he said, prodding me back toward the real purpose of the night.
I rolled my eyes before closing them, and took a deep breath. Even if it was safe out here, especially this far away from Forks, I wanted to be quick on this trip. The smell of deer, the one I had become accustomed to despite how unappealing it was, flooded my nostrils.
I took off, not waiting for Edward. He would run along beside of me, and probably hunt too, if only to make me feel more at ease. He had insisted on being on all of my trips, and I knew he had no real physical need.
I zoned in on the fluttery pulses of the herd as I drew closer, unable to focus any longer on Edward or anything else. I was on the hunt, and nothing could tear me away from the smell of blood. Maybe Edward was right, maybe I had gone just a little too long. The level of my need was slightly terrifying in its monstrosity, and I had never felt more like an animal since that first hunt.
The smell of the herd intensified as I drew closer, and I gloried at the idea of warm liquid. Oh, it had been too long.
And then, my body changed course. It was entirely out of my control- I made no decisions in the moment, I didn't even process why I had suddenly veered off further to the left. I never slowed, and only my angle changed. If anything, I pumped my legs harder, running faster than ever.
My mind hazed over as I breathed deeply, overtaken by a scent that clouded every moral and reasoning faculty I had. I was flying, and my destination was the source of the scent. It was beautiful- like nothing I had ever smelled before. Rich and thick, I sucked it in with each breath, manifesting my thirst through the only sense I could use at the moment. My mouth watered with venom, my stomach clenched fiercely, and my throat burned and produced so much pain it would have been crippling if I hadn't been so inexplicably driven forward.
I heard the pulse then, and knew I was close. I reveled in terrible joy, and surged forward with heightened motivation. It was a lower, stronger, slower thrum than that of deer. It gurgled, and my throat burned more. Yes, yes, just a little further!
But there was another sound, accompanying the beat. It came from behind rather than from ahead- footsteps, faster than mine. If I had been capable of splitting my attention more efficiently, I might have known if the swearing I heard was real or just something I added to the scene afterwards. The steps were gaining on me, getting closer. I could practically feel the presence of my pursuer, the wind changing in its flow pattern as he neared.
Finally, I was torn away from my trail, and I turned and pounced, tackling whoever it was that was following me, rather than allowing them to catch me. A low snarl ripped from my chest, its source the anger I felt for being forced to abandon the pursuit of my prey. As I processed my rage, quick as lightening, I was pinned to the ground.
"Bella, Bella! Stop it. You know who you are! Bella!"
I snapped back to my surroundings. The voice, with its velvet quality drew me back, calling to something deeper than the animal that was still snarling and struggling violently against what was holding it down. Slowly, I understood what was happening. Edward- Edward was holding me down. I stilled.
I locked my eyes with his, with Edward's. They shined golden in the filtered light of the moon, and my own scarlet ones were reflected within them. The sight was too much. Now I wanted to cry, rather than rip his throat out.
I realized what I had been about to do. I had almost killed a human- I had attacked Edward, trying to kill a human.
"I'm sorry." I breathed, unsure of what else to do.
He saw the uncertainty.
"Hold your breath, it will help." I did, stopping in the middle of an exhale.
Suddenly, additional clarity entered my head. I was aware for the first time of how close we were. His legs locked around mine to keep them still, his hands holding down my wrists, his chest pinning my torso to the ground, his face hovering just inches above mine…
"Can I let you up?" he asked, gently, rather than with the exasperation he should have felt. He saw my fear, sadness, and distress too, and was compensating for it. I felt his breath on my face, accompanying his words, and imagined how it would have smelled if I had been able to trust myself to breathe.
"I think so." I croaked. "Hold on to me?" I asked, just in case. Even though I wasn't breathing, my throat still burned intensely.
"Of course." He said, so low it was hardly louder than the gentle night breeze that ruffled his hair.
He rose slowly, cautiously. His hands remained locked around my wrists and his body was hardly further away than it had been on the ground.
"Remember to hold your breath- I'm going to pick you up, to run away, ok?" I nodded, and before I had finished the motion, he swung me up into his arms and took off in the opposite direction of where I had been running. If I was capable of humor at the moment, I would have laughed at the idea of vampires running away from a human, who was probably a sleeping camper.
The wind rushed by instantly as Edward began sprinting, but I was locked in between his arms, gripped into a cage around me with his chest as a back wall. I couldn't have moved if I wanted to, but there was absolutely no pain. It was like floating on a cloud, except I was wrapped securely inside it.
Neither of us said a word as we ran. I wasn't flying this time- everything was too heavy for me to defy gravity any long. The reality of the past few minutes sped through my mind as fast as Edward's steps hit the ground.
Just moments later, we stopped, and he sat me on the ground, next to a large moss-coated tree. I immediately hugged my knees to my chest and lay my head upon them, turning my face away from his dark-jean clad legs. I upheld no pretenses, and began to sob with no tears, eyes pricking with guilt and regret.
Nothing happened at first, and he let me cry without attempting to interrupt me. It was exactly what I needed. But his presence above me, close by and silently looking on, was exactly what I needed too. I drew my knees in closer, attempting to curl in on myself as tightly as possible. Maybe I could disappear if I tried hard enough.
Apparently not. Soon, the silence was broken. I heard rustling beside me, and felt Edward sit beside me.
"Bella." He said softly, my name rolling off his tongue, smoother than honey. I refused to turn and look at him. I was too ashamed, and bit my lip.
"Bella. It is alright. Please- just listen." He pleaded, pain that I couldn't understand in his voice. I didn't respond, but he continued.
"It isn't your fault. I should have been more careful. I was stupid. No one can expect you to react any differently- and you came to so quickly. You didn't even try to bite me." He said, a hint of humor coming into his voice at the end. I didn't see how he could look at this so lightly.
"I almost killed someone. I tried to kill a human." I whispered all my emotion and thoughts in that one phrase. It was the first time I had referred to humans out loud, as if they were something separate from myself.
"I know." He acknowledged. "But, you know, I almost did too, not so long ago." He said, all humor gone. "But I didn't. But you didn't."
His grave statement twisted my stomach. He was right. I had been right when I had said those words to him, just two weeks ago. The scene hadn't been so different as we had stood in the woods and I had uttered that truth. No harm had occurred. Edward had stopped me.
Understanding and believing this, I couldn't stop sobbing, but I turned my face toward him anyway. I needed him. "I still feel guilty." I said honestly. I had never felt more guilt in my entire lifetime- the weight threatened to break me.
He didn't answer, and only pulled me into his side and wrapped me back in his arms again, allowing me to grieve my innocence. With my head tucked under his chin, I cried.
A/N: This chapter went way differently than I intended- took on a life of its own. But there was romance! Well, sort of- the hushed kind. Anyway, next chapter should continue moving in that direction. Now, please review!