11. Departure
A/N: Ok, just a little note- I got one review that criticized Bella crying- to make it clear (which I thought I did before, but maybe not)she wasn't crying tears- that would be impossible. But she can still go through the motions of crying. Anyway, moving on …
Edward's POV
It was hours later before we returned to the house. Everything was lightening from black to shades of gray as day broke on the horizon. It was obvious that the sun would be out today- beams of light were shooting up from the invisible space beyond the edge of the sky.
The promise of light was welcome- the night had been one of the longest in my existence of darkness. I had held Bella as long as she had needed it, my heart breaking over and over again with each shake of her crumpled form. Fracture after fracture had ripped through my chest. Bella was shattered, and I felt horrible for having so few words to comfort her. I knew I had no advice to help her overcome guilt- that was something she would have to figure out on her own. From experience, I knew rising above such a strong emotion was a personal process, unique to each person. I could only hope to be there for her.
That was what I was doing by offering her a shoulder to cry on. It was the only thing I had, and she lay in my arms for the night. As her body was racked with tearless sobs, I sat motionless, forming my body to fit her delicate frame. For a while, I felt terrible for allowing her so near humans. Honestly, it was my own stupid move that had put the human in physical danger and Bella in emotional danger. Now, her spirit seemed close to broken. I let the feeling of personal responsibility and my own shame flood through me.
Yet, by some miracle, I realized I had meant my words when I said them to Bella. I had dealt with my issues involving Bella's change and I wasn't going to dig those up for anything. Even if I knew this wouldn't be happening except for my actions. Allowing myself to be taken under again would only worsen the situation. And if I wasn't allowing myself to wallow in the past, then I couldn't let myself be buried from tonight's events either. There had been no harm done, and Bella would recover from her first blatant contact with her new reality. I was convinced she would- I had seen the spark in her eyes when she had finally turned to face me. Though it was obvious she was still mostly consumed by the weight of her guilt, there had been the intangible quality of hope in her expression. She would pull herself up again- she wasn't the type to be hypocritical, and I had only given her the same advice she had given me.
After I had sifted through my own thoughts, I had turned my attention back to Bella. I rubbed her back gently as she continued to shake, and without thinking, touched my lips to the top of her head. I was amazed at how natural it felt, and I smiled at the faint smell of strawberries in her hair. It was most likely left over from the shampoo she had used to get mud out of the tangled mess it had been after the last time she had went hunting. As if she needed the shampoo- the natural freesia of her scent danced through my senses, sweet and light.
Eventually, Bella's sobs slowed and her body transitioned from shaking to slight trembling. Ten minutes later, she stilled, and slowly pulled away. I waited to see what she may say.
She only bit her lip, looking straight at me. For once, I could tell she wasn't embarrassed, knowing I understood and wouldn't judge her. But she was nervous, and unsure of what to do now.
Acting on instinct, I offered my hand, pulling her to her feet, though it was unnecessary. Her eyes never left mine. For the first time, I really looked into the deep red of her irises, seeing the essence of Bella in them, even behind the purest and most shocking outward representation of what we were. I realized that it was never the color of her eyes that mattered, but the beautiful intelligence behind them. I wanted more than ever to protect her and to make sure she was always free to be herself.
"We should hunt." I suggested quietly. She silently nodded, and we ran hand in hand through the woods, returning to the hunting grounds closer to the Forks.
That was how we ended up back at the house. After Bella was done, we instinctively linked our hands back together, and ran to the house. We never spoke a single word, yet we moved together in harmony.
Our paces matched, our breathing synched together. Her palm laid smooth in mine, feeling soft despite its hardness, and warm despite the fact that it was ice-cold. We were two of a kind, easily and comfortably fitting together, as our hands did.
I shook my head to myself at this thought. What are you thinking Edward? I screamed to myself internally. I was being ridiculous, getting carried away. It was all innocent- holding her earlier for comfort, holding her hand to anchor her now. That was all it was, and I wholeheartedly believed that. Why shouldn't I? It was the truth.
Of course, now I would have to explain that to Alice, since she bounded up to us, nearly knocking us over as we entered through the glass patio door.
Bella dropped my hand quickly. See? I told myself. She was shuffling her feet, embarrassed as she looked back and forth between Alice with Jasper in tow and me.
Neither my brother nor sister said a word out loud, but Jasper's thoughts were deafening, while Alice's were annoying.
"I knew it…yay! Oh just look at how cute they are! I can't wait! It's going to be…" Alice thoughts jumbled together with her elation, as fast as her voice would be if she was speaking audibly. I could practically hear her squealing, until she reigned in her excitement. Her mental voice cut off immediately as she threw up a wall, abruptly switching over to running through the alphabet in every language she knew. I would have to find out later what she hiding from me- either she saw the glare I shot her, or she didn't want me to see some vision. Knowing Alice I assumed the latter.
On the other hand, Jasper made no attempts to hide his thoughts. "Edward- I can feel your affection and restraint- and she's the biggest jumble of emotions I've ever felt. The confusion alone that's coming from the two of you is maddening. What's up?" he asked.
Affection? I suppose there was no arguing with Jasper- but of course I felt affection for Bella- everyone in our family did. In the past couple of weeks she had begun winning over everyone of our hearts- even Rosalie, though she mostly felt sympathy for Bella because she identified with her. They had both lost their human lives unexpectedly. As for restraint…well, I was always restrained. Confusion wasn't so strange either- of course Bella would be confused after tonight's events, and she had every right to be emotional as well. It was the first time she truly recognized that she was different from her human self, and that was a lot to deal with. My confusion was just an extension of that- I was unsure of what to do about it.
Rather than answer his question, I just stared back at him, signaling I didn't want to talk about it. Jasper just shook his head, while Alice looked between us and then slipped to Bella's side.
As she touched her arm, Bella looked jerked her head up, as if she had been lost in her own world. Alice's thoughts came back through as she let her guard down, this time addressing me directly.
"Edward- she's had a rough night. I'm sorry I didn't call when I saw it happening- you left your cell here…"
"It's not your fault Alice- it was my mistake." I said, answering out loud though Alice easily could have seen what I was going to say. I wanted Bella to hear me.
"Bella, why don't you come upstairs with me? I wanted to check my room one last time before we leave."
Bella nodded, not speaking. I sighed inwardly at how sad she looked- I hoped she would recover soon.
"When are we leaving?" I asked before they could start up the stairs.
"In about twenty minutes now that you two are back. Esme is just leaving some final instructions for the movers and double checking things. Carlisle, Rose and Emmet are in the garage, figuring out who should ride with who. We're supposed to meet in there when we're ready."
"Alright." I answered simply before turning to Bella. "Are you okay?" I asked quietly, gently placing my hand on her shoulder, and ducking to look her in the eyes. For a moment I mused at how comfortable I now was around her- I never would have touched her so casually before.
She reached up and patted my hand, the slightest of smiles gracing her lips. "I'm fine." she said, speaking for the first time since before she had begun crying earlier in the night. I felt irrational relief flood through me- the tiniest hint of normalcy had me rejoicing.
I gave her a reassuring grin, then dropped my hand as Alice tugged Bella along behind her, up the stairs.
I shook my head, and ran my hands over my face and through my hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. I stood there for a long moment, bridge of my nose compulsively pinched between my thumb and forefinger and eyes closed.
Jasper finally broke me out of my self-contemplation.
His voice was determined, but quiet.
"What happened?" he asked. I read his thoughts and saw Alice hadn't told him much of anything. That was a good thing. It meant the rest of the family didn't know yet either. I wanted Bella to decide whether or not she wanted to talk about it.
Of course, Jasper already knew something was up, and I felt like he was the only one I would feel like sharing with. Alice would eventually tell him anyway, even if she didn't mention it to anyone else. The two shared everything- I envied that in a lot of ways, even when it was inconvenient like it was now.
So, I explained about Bella's mishap, running through the events of the night.
He listened intently, allowing me to relay the entire story. Probably had something to do with his psychology training- most likely he was trying to let me work out my own problems out loud. When I finished, he finally responded.
"Wow- so she didn't even attack you when you pinned her?"
"Not really- she realized what was happening pretty quickly."
Jasper shook his head- I could tell that he was amazed at her control, as he constantly was. Before he could dwell too much on his own past and own problems with self-control, I interrupted his thoughts.
"What am I supposed to do about her?" I asked.
"You mean her guilt and shame? Or the fact that you feel connected to her in a way you don't understand?"
I jerked my head up- what was he talking about?
"Edward- don't be so surprised. And don't try to argue with me either- I'm the empath here."
I continued to stare at him dumbly, and watched his features twist from expressions of smugness to those of surprise.
"Oh, you really don't know do you?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Edward- you like her." He stated, matter-of-factly.
"Of course I like her. Every one of us does. I know I've been keeping my distance but…" I tried to explain, noticing the falsity in my tone as I spoke.
"Edward, I know you don't have much experience with girls, but there is no way you are this dense. The affection, worry, concern- the way you feel when you touch her? Even without my gift I would have been able to see it when you came through that door."
I did not- could not- like Bella Swan. Jasper was just misinterpreting everything I had felt because of last night, because she was someone I cared for as a part of this family. I told him as much.
"Whatever you say." He finally conceded.
"Jasper this is crazy- I'm just trying to be a good friend to her. It's as much as I could do."
"If that works for you- you don't have to answer to me." I hissed back in frustration.
At that moment, before I could lunge at him, Esme called from mid-way up the staircase.
"Edward, Jasper!" she exclaimed. "I've been looking for you. Are you ready to go?"
Thankful for the end of my conversation with Jasper, I answered.
"Yes. But Alice and Bella are upstairs…"
"No we're not!" Alice announced as she bounced back down the stairs with Bella.
I rolled my eyes at Alice's usual gift-enhanced perfect timing.
Esme only smiled. "Good- then can you all please get to the garage- I think the others are waiting."
We all followed her lead, and minutes later thoughts of last night were nudged to the back of my mind as arrangements of who was riding in what car was announced. I groaned as Carlisle told me I would be driving Rosalie and Emmet in the BMW, while the rest took the only other car with the necessary tinted windows, the hybrid Lexus SUV.
"Why do I have to be alone with Rosalie and Emmett?" I asked, shuddering at the thoughts of the things they would do in the back seat.
Rosalie answered. "Edward, don't be whiney. It just makes sense to have more people in the bigger car- more room for everyone."
"Why does room matter? We all know that you and Emmett are going to be cozy in the back seat." I shot back. Rosalie narrowed her eyes at me while Emmet chuckled as quietly as possible. She heard him and turned to smack him in the chest. His hand flew to where she had made impact and he instantly quieted.
"Ow, Rose" he said. "That actually hurt."
Carlisle jumped in then, ever the peacemaker.
"Edward does, uhmmm… make a point. Bella, would you mind riding in the Volvo?" We all looked at her expectantly.
"Of course not- wherever is fine." She said quietly. I'm sure that if it had been possible, my heart would have jumped at her words. Because she had spoken again, not because we would be riding in the same car, of course.
"Ok then, its settled. Just use the GPS in the car. You have the address. Drive straight through, and we'll meet up at the new house, and figure out everything else once we are there. See you tomorrow." We all nodded, splitting for our cars. It would only take around 24 hours to get to New York driving at the speeds we were accustomed to and without need to stop along the way.
Unfortunately, it was going to be along 24 hours with my brother and sister performing acts in the backseat that were certain to scar me- at least Bella would be there to distract me. I smiled at the idea of having her so close for so long, ignoring the nagging remembrance of what Jasper had said. "…there is no way you are this dense…". Crazy talk I mumbled to myself, climbing into the car, shutting the door, and cranking the engine to life.
A/N: I'm not very happy with this chapter, but I don't know what else to do. I've tried, and that's why this has taken so long- and its still not what I wanted. Anyway, review…