13. How do you deal?

A/N: Yes, this took longer than I said it would- but, its quicker than I have been. I'm trying really hard guys, I promise. The next chapter is already in the works, but I don't want to make any promises.

Bella's POV

By the time we pulled into the town limits of what was to be our new location, I was more than ready to be anywhere but sitting in passenger seat of the Volvo. If the first several hours of the cross-country ride had been intense and silent, the last fifteen had been endlessly traumatizing. Emmett refused to allow the music to be turned down, even when I begged, so everything was blaringly loud. Even worse, when Edward turned the station a riot had nearly broken out over a fiery debate about what sorts of music had artistic value. Even Rosalie had joined that one, and it had finally ended hours later because Edward gave up out of exasperation and Rosalie coaxed Emmett to her side. The brief peace had lasted about twenty minutes before Emmett was up to his usual antics. Even the passing period of calm had been disturbing as Rosalie and Emmett had spent most of it being couple-y together- they could be so sappy it was sickening.

When we finally pulled up in front of the light blue colonial-style house that was our new home, I nearly leapt out of the car. Anxiously, I waited through the trial of Edward's excruciatingly slow stop. I didn't try to hide my desire to get out of the car, and sat with my body turned toward the door and my hand on the handle. I was decently certain that I heard Edward chuckle under his breath, but I chose not to notice and instead focused on getting out into the driveway as quickly as possible. Once Edward, Emmett and Rosalie had joined me in the drive, the Lexus pulled up behind us moments later.

Alice bounded out of the backseat as quickly as I had, but dragging Jasper behind her and giggling like a four year old. Before I could even process that she was barreling straight for me, Alice had me in her other hand and I too was being towed up to the front door.

"Alice!" I shrieked, caught off guard. I was not in the mood for her excitement at the moment.

"Slow down!" I tried to command, while dragging my feet, hard.

I wasn't effective in either respect and Alice surprised me with her strength, moving as quickly as if I were running along with her.

"C'mon Bella- I want to show you your room!"

"Whoa, wait." I commanded, this time planting my feet with conviction while jerking loose from Alice's grip. She stopped, turning to look at me, pouting.

"Bella, stop being stubborn. I know what you're going to say."

I raised my eyebrow, doubting before I realized that she probably did know. This whole vampires-with-powers-thing was starting to get a bit annoying. The only thing I could think of to be grateful for at the moment was that no one was inside my head.

Meanwhile, Alice was continuing on with her argument. "You were going to say you don't like surprises, right?"

I sighed. "Of course Alice, as usual, you are right. I really, really don't like surprises. Why.."

Alice suddenly cut me off, before I could question her reasons for surprising me when she already knew my opinion on them. "Bella, don't worry. I promise you will like this one- I know it!"

I smiled at her enthusiasm, deciding it was pointless to argue. "Fine." I conceded, as grudgingly as was possible while on the verge of laughter.

"Yay!" Alice squealed, jumping and clapping her hands in typical fashion before grabbing my hand again. She pulled me up the white porch and through the navy front door, Jasper still attached to her other hand.

In the brief moment before I was pulled up the stair case, I could see that the inside of the house had been renovated in a way similar to that of the house in Forks. The first floor was wide open and decorated in varying shades of white. While there was no wall of glass, the windows were larger and more numerous than in a typical house.

Then, suddenly, I was on the second floor in front of a closed door, with a very anxious Alice bouncing on her toes beside me.

Warily, I looked at Jasper, who just shrugged his shoulders while looking amused.

"Open the door!" Alice said, sounding like a child on Christmas morning.

Shaking my head, I obliged her, out of fear that she may explode with excitement if I waited a moment longer.

Carefully, concentrating hard to not rip the door off the hinges, I twisted the simple silver knob and pushed the door open. I let out a sigh of relief, thankful that the door only hit the wall a little too hard. The last thing I wanted was to manage to damage something within the first ten minutes of being in the new house.

I stepped inside slowly, evaluating the room. After a glance, despite how much I wanted to be, I knew there was no way I could be angry at Alice for this particular surprise.

The first thing I noticed was that the room was huge, easily three times the size of a typical bedroom. Of course, big was to be expected in any Cullen house. The floor was covered in plush white carpet and the walls and ceiling were a rich dark blue with simple white moldings. Two large bay windows took up most of the wall opposite the door, and each had a window seat with a variety of pillows in varying shades of blue and white. Though there was absolutely no reason for it, a carved wooden four poster bed sat to the left side of the room, complete with pristine, cloud-like white bedding. To the side was a matching cherry-wood nightstand. I looked at all of this, swept away by how absolutely perfect it looked.

Then, I turned to face the other side of the room, wandering further in so I could see past a small outcropping in the wall that blocked my view. There rows of bookshelves covered the wall from floor to ceiling, holding at least a few hundred books. To complete the picture there was a small white loveseat with a small table to the side, all on an oval dark blue area rug.

I wandered around the room, taking in every coordinated, obviously well-thought out detail. When I reached the bookshelves I lightly dragged my fingers across the spines of the books, noticing the variety. There were classics, contemporary bestsellers, and many titles I had never heard of.

"Oh Alice." I breathed, amazed. "It's beautiful."

"I told you so." She said. I rolled my eyes, without being truly annoyed. "But I can't really take credit for it all. You haven't really seen my biggest contribution yet!"

"There's more?"

"Of course!" she said, taking my hand and guiding me to the door I had missed, set in the wall on the other side of the bed.

"What is it?"

"Just open it!"

Shaking my head at the enthusiasm that seemed to be able to convince me to do anything, I opened the door. Immediately, I was overcome by the smell of new clothes. Before me was a walk-in closet, entirely filled to the brim but tediously organized. In the front were things I was sure I would never wear, frilly and made from satiny fabrics. I walked slowly in, almost afraid to see if the entire closet's contents were the same. Thankfully, as I progressed further back I realized that the clothes became simpler the farther back I went, each section sorted by colors. There were even a couple pairs of sweats in the very back.

Alice bounced along behind me as I wandered back, watching as I fingered fabrics and looked at the selection.

"What do you think?" she piped.

"Ummm…." I began, unsure of how to react. I knew there was no way I could match Alice's palpable enthusiasm for the clothes, but on the other hand, it was a nice gesture, obviously done out of love. And she hadn't dragged me along to buy the clothes, and I was more than thankful for that.

That fact alone helped me finish my response. "Its fantastic Alice- thanks so much!" I said, sincerely and with a smile, even if I didn't mean it quite the way she probably took it.

"You're welcome- even though if it was up to me a lot of that stuff in the back wouldn't be there. Edward made me buy it." She said wrinkling her nose. I fought the urge to giggle at her face, while mentally taking note that I would have to thank Edward later.

"He helped you with the clothes?" I asked, a little surprised.

"Not much- he has terrible taste, you know. But he did help out a lot with the room- with the books and all. And the color- said the blue was good for you, whatever he meant by that. Anyway, I've got to go make sure everyone else's clothes are right. See you in a bit!" she said, kissing me on the cheek before darting out of the closet, leaving me alone with the clothes. I laughed softly at her sense of duty before walking back out into the room myself, closing the door to the closet behind me. I couldn't' deny I was a little grateful to have my own clothes- there would be less opportunities for Alice to play Bella Barbie now that I wouldn't have to borrow clothes every day.

However, once I turned around, all thoughts of clothes vanished as I fought the urge to pounce on the figure that stood in my room's doorway. I had completely forgotten that Jasper had come upstairs with Alice and I, and so his hovering around the entrance shocked me, nearly triggering my instinct to fight off danger.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Jasper said, voice low and eyes cautious.

I took a deep breath before answering, calming my nerves. "Oh no, don't be silly. Its fine. I just got caught off guard and should have remembered you were up here. What do you need?" Secretly, I wondered why he hadn't left with Alice.

"Well, actually, I kind of just wanted to talk to you."

"Anything particular?" I asked, now more curious than before.

"Well, just don't get mad at Edward, ok?"

Instantly, I felt suspicious. "Why would I be mad at him?"

"Well, ummm, actually…" he shuffled his feet, looking uncomfortable as he spoke slowly before his explanation tumbled out in a quick jumble of words. "I…I know what happened the other night, but I made Edward tell me because I could feel your emotions, so its not his fault."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, working hard to control my newly intensified emotions. They were getting to be such a nuisance, always crippling me or turning me into something dangerous before I could even anticipate the opening of my emotional floodgates. I was thankful that Jasper was there, calming me down and making my task of self-control easier.

I wasn't really angry- just embarrassed. Obviously Alice had seen what had happened in a vision , and Jasper would have found out from her anyway. Despite that knowledge, I had been unreasonably hopeful that I could manage to keep the events of the previous night as secret as possible. Now there was just one more person who would know about my failure

"Bella, really, I'm the last person you need to worry about judging you, so you can stop with feeling ashamed." Jasper said, breaking through my processing. I squeezed my eyes shut harder. Scratch the whole being thankful for Jasper's empathy power- it was only more embarrassing and shaming to have him know what I was feeling. At the moment I could have really used a couple of moments of privacy.

Of course, Jasper then felt that, and stood quietly by while I kept my eyes squeezed close and tried to calm down. A few minutes later I finally opened my eyes, and looked up at Jasper. His face was mostly patiently blank, with only the smallest traces of concern apparent. I decided there was no avoiding talking about it.

"Ok- so you know about my accident."

"Almost-accident. It could have been worse." He corrected knowingly and quickly, interrupting me.

Yes- well, I guess he would have known about that. "Ok- my almost-accident." I acknowledged, still curious to know exactly what he wanted to talk about.

"What did you want to know about it?"

"Well, are you okay?" he asked, as if it were the most obvious question in the world.

That wasn't what I had expected him to ask. Maybe why I did it, or requests for details, those questions I could have understood. Or even a warning to be more careful. All that would have made more sense to me. But Jasper just checking in to see if I was okay? That was just so…brotherly of him. Which, I guess, was sort of what he was at this point, but I hadn't thought of it like that very much. It was like when Emmett had called me "little sister" in the car. Or how Alice was always treating me like she had known me forever. It felt strange, but that same feeling coincided with my sense that everything fit perfectly. Now that I thought about it, all of the Cullen's had taken to treating me like family, more than I ever expected them to. Even Rosalie acted like an older sister, if a stand-offish one. I knew that was what Carlisle insisted I was, from the moment it had been decided I would stay. In the back of my head though, I had always been skeptical that I would ever truly be that. Especially not so soon- mostly, whenever I had thought about it I had acknowledgethe Cullens as family, but only in the functional sense of needing some sort of support unit. Yet, somewhere along the way, without even realizing it, I had become emotionally attached to this odd grouping of people and now I realized they had done the same with me. In so many ways, it was nice to finally see that I was welcome- even if I had been all along. In fact, the only Cullen who I had a hard time considering family was Edward. For some reason, I just couldn't think of him as a brother, even in the most abstract sense. Yet, he wasn't a stranger either- I wasn't really sure what to make of him.

However, at the moment, I couldn't ruminate on that puzzle. All of this thinking was still leaving Jasper's question unanswered. Honestly, I had no idea if I was really ok. I knew I wasn't going to fall apart any second or anything, and maybe that's what he had meant. Still, rather than give an answer I couldn't be entirely sure of, I decided to ask a question of my own.

"How do you deal with it?" I asked, the words leaping from my mouth before I could think of a more thoughtful way to express myself. Right away, I saw that Jasper had no idea what I was asking, as one of his eyebrows arched and curiousness colored his expression.

"It? I'm not sure which "it" you're asking about- you've got a lot of emotions you know." He said, half-teasing while putting a cryptic I'm-an-empath-who-knows-something-that-I'm not-sure-you-know-and-I-don't-want-to-tell-you-what-you-feel spin on it. It was like power-enhanced psychoanalysis and I wasn't sure I appreciated it.

Yet, while I felt my disapproval and was sure he would get the message, I couldn't help but offer a small smile despite his know-it-all statement. Then, I considered how to explain, and I was serious again as I realized the perfect word to describe what I meant.

"I mean the bloodlust." I answered quietly, shame washing back over me at admitting my weakness out loud.

Jasper let out a breath. "I'm not sure I'm the best vampire to ask about that." He suggested.

"That's why I'm asking you- you're the one who understands the most."

"Don't doubt the others so much- they know. They've just had a lot of practice at our lifestyle. But they all remember what it's like. In fact, I can think of one who has a pretty fresh memory of what it's like to not be able to resist."

"I don't want to talk to Edward about this." I answered quickly. Another raised eyebrow and more curiousness. Though he didn't ask, I decided to answer the question he was obviously considering.

"It's just…Edward worries enough about me. And we have talked about it a little. But he has this need to protect me, for whatever reason. Not that it matters- whether he feels in dept because he's the one that got me here or because he couldn't protect me from himself or whatever weird notion of pay-back that's in his head…"

"Wait- you think he's protective because he feels he owes you?" Jasper interrupted, blatantly surprised. It was like I could see his guard dropping, and I knew for sure now that he was feeling something from one of us that he wasn't willing to reveal.

"Yes." I said slowly, wondering why else he would be so ridiculous about sheltering me. "Why?"

Jasper smirked, before replying. "Nothing- just clarifying. Anyway, what you said does make some sense. What else were you saying?"

I was confused, but he caught me off guard, so I answered his question before I could think of what else to say. "Just that I don't want to give him any other reason to feel like he has to protect me. And I'm asking you to tell me how I live this lifestyle- I want to get on with my life as quickly as possible and I can't do that if I have to hide from the world. I can tell that Edward would just tell me to wait it out, and since I don't want to tell anyone else what happened, I'm asking for your help. How do I do this?" By the end of my short plea, I could hear my voice getting desperate.

Jasper was serious again, all traces of amusement gone as he answered delicately. "Bella, that's a complex question with a complex answer."
"Then explain it to me." I demanded.

Jasper sighed, and wandered further into the room, near the bookshelves, stalling for time. I followed, waiting patiently. Well- sort of.

"Look- its different for everyone. Do you know everyone's stories?"

"What stories?"

"How they each became what we are." I shook my head, as I thought of the only conversion story I really knew much about.

"Just Edward's. And that Carlisle changed Esme."

"Well, I can't speak for anyone else- you'll have to ask them yourself. But you know that I'm the newest…vegetarian, right?"

"That's one reason I came to you." I answered.

He nodded his head. "But you don't know the rest of my story." He stated matter-of-factly rather than as a question before directly launching into the tale.. "I was raised as a typical mid-19th century southerner. My dream as I grew older was to be a soldier in the confederate army, anxious for battle, honor and glory. So, I did what it took to get there, and after I joined I did what it took to climb the ranks. I was always rather charismatic, able to know what to do or so to get someone to react the way I wanted. Of course, now I know that was a little bit more than typical charisma."

I nodded my head, making the connection between his gift and human talent.

Seeing that I was keeping up, he continued. "One evening, I was by myself on the road when I came across three young women. The most beautiful beings I had ever seen up to that point in my life- vampires, of course. One of them was obviously the leader- Maria. She was raising an army to take over a large portion of the south- only more hungry for power than she was for blood."

"An army? What kind?" I asked.

"Of newborns." He answered. "You know- newborns have more strength and agility. But despite their usefulness, they're also dangerous." He looked at me, checking again to see if I was with him. Satisfied, he continued on. "Anyway, she chose me that night, and changed me. After three days, I woke up to a new world. Maria took special interest in me, trained me to become a leader, rather than disposing of me after I lost my newborn abilities." I bit my lip at the word "dispose", understanding what he must mean, though I didn't know how you killed a vampire. "My life was one of pain and threat of punishment or the promise of reward, drained of all things good. It was only years later, after I escaped and met Alice that I would understand what I had been missing."

"The scars…" I whispered, realization dawning over me. I remembered how I had noticed those scars the very first time I had seen him after I had woken up, and what I had felt.

"Vampire venom is the only thing that can mark us." He answered, waiting to see what else I might say.

"And why did you tell me this now?"

"Because where each of us comes from affects how we deal with the change and how we approach this lifestyle. It's harder for me because I lived savagely for years, always killing, always taking human life and tasting human blood. Habits are hard to break Bella."

I bit my lip, overcome with sympathy for Jasper. He must have felt it, because he quickly turned the conversation.

"The point is, I can't tell you how to do this. Only you know can figure out how to handle this life. As much as I know you hate to hear it, a lot of it is what Edward would say. It takes time."

I scowled slightly.

"But," he continued, " self-control and will is the other biggest part. From what I can tell, you have a lot more of those than anyone else I know- so maybe it will take you a little less time. Until then, just be patient. Believe me, you'll have plenty of times to prove yourself later."

I smiled a little at his compliment, but sighed all the same.

"I just don't like feeling like a burden."

"I know. But I also know that no one feels that way about you- not even Edward."

I wondered at the heavy meaning he conveyed in his last few words, but decided not to say anything. It was just assurance.

"Ok- thanks Jasper." I said, feeling awkward all of the sudden. "Ummm…I don't know if vampires do this- except Alice of course- but do you mind if I give you a hug?"

He chuckled. "Of course not Bella."

I smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed that I had even felt the need to ask. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, gave a quick squeeze, then pulled away.

"Alright, so, I'll see you downstairs in later. I'm pretty sure Carlisle will want a quick meeting- always does after we arrive somewhere new."

I nodded, and he quickly stepped around me and out into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

***

A/N: Sorry for butchering Jasper's story- just didn't feel like writing the whole thing , and you all know it. This chapter is fluffy, but I've decided this entire story is basically fluff- so I think I should stop calling it fluff. Its kind of like if an entire song is dissonant, then it doesn't sound dissonant…sorry, my music class coming through there. I'll stop rambling now…please review- whether you write a few words or an essay ; )!