15. Crumbling

A/N: As promised, the next chapter. Hope you like it- and thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter.

Bella's POV

I sat motionless on the bench, relishing the sound of the music coming from the piano. Edward's long, nimble fingers danced over the keys, eliciting a haunting but beautiful response. My eyes drooped shut, and I allowed the sounds to meld together while my mind wandered.

I thought through the events of the day, and I was flooded yet again with gratitude for the things Edward and Alice had retrieved from Charlie's house. In my mind's eye I saw the images from the photographs yet again, burned eternally into my memory. Even without remembering the stories and experiences that should have been attached to the images, I knew I was blessed to have visual reminders of my past. And as I had said to Edward, I was blessed to have him with me in this new existence. Certainly I was grateful for all of the Cullens- they each had done something or another to make me feel welcome and to help me adjust over the past several weeks. Yet, though Edward hadn't done much more than the same, I still felt inextricably linked to him. When I tried to explain why to myself, I only felt like I was uselessly grasping at the edges of something just out of reach.

Of course, there was any number of reasons for the strong connection I had forged with Edward. First, there was the matter of convenience. It was a fact that Edward and I were constantly left alone in this family of couples. Therefore, it made sense for us to take advantage of each other's presence. Secondly, there was the easy way that we were able to be together; after our first couple of weeks, nothing could compare to the barriers we had overcome. Finally, as much as I would never want to admit it out loud, there were the circumstances surrounding why I was with the Cullens at all. Edward and I were eternally connected simply because he had changed me, despite any other factors that may come or go. From this ultimate reason, another one also stemmed- there was no question in my mind that Edward had felt, and most likely still felt, some kind of obligation to me.

Yet, despite all of these reasons for our connection, I didn't feel that any combination of them formed a complete explanation of the link between Edward and I. There was something missing, some factor that I couldn't begin to name or explain. All I knew was that whatever it was, it was why I was attached to Edward, and couldn't imagine being any other way.

Just as I came to this conclusion, I noticed that the music was winding down, and I opened my eyes as the final notes faded away. Edward continued looking straight ahead, hands resting lightly on the keys until complete silence fell. He then retracted his hands to his lap, and turned to look at me.

"That was beautiful," I said, truly appreciative. Despite my partial distraction, all of the new space in my head left more than enough room to perform multiple tasks at once with more than enough attention to each. "What is it called?"

He paused a second, considering. "I don't know." My curious expression in response must have forced him to elaborate- minutely. "I just made it up," he said, offering no further explanation.

I was shocked- I had known that he was a talented pianist, but…

"You made it up?"

"Yes," he said. I couldn't help but think his voice sounded as surprised as mine did, as well as constricted.

I disregarded these last two observances as I shook my head in disbelief, laughing to myself. The sound of tinkling bells distracted me for a moment; even after weeks, I still wasn't used to the changes I had gone through. I wasn't even sure I had discovered them all yet. I took a moment to recover, remember where I was and what I was doing, and tucked a piece of loose hair behind my ear before I spoke again. "Well, like I said, it was lovely."

Instead of immediately responding to my words, there was a long pause. The moment was pregnant with silence, and I was forced to focus more intently on Edward to understand why he wasn't replying. That's when I saw the shift. For a brief instant, as I peered into his golden irises, I saw a spark, and fire ignited. The gold turned molten as he studied my face. I saw more life in him than I had seen since that first day in the parking lot- only this time, I was sure there was no reason to be afraid. He studied me intensely, and I felt his body lean almost imperceptibly toward me. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw his hand raise just slightly, but I could never be sure. I was sure his mouth opened then shut, as if he were about to say something. But he didn't. Like someone had suddenly dumped ice-cold water on it, the fire in his eyes was extinguished. He stood abruptly, closing the piano cover purposefully, almost forcefully. It was as if he was closing something invisible inside the piano he didn't want to escape.

"Thank you," he said, stiffer than he had been all morning. He blinked a couple of times, glancing around the room before abruptly changing topics, his tone cold and formal. I was sure I even heard traces of pain, though his face was now an unreadable mask- all pleasantness and politeness, but no emotion. "I hope you don't mind, but I think I'm going to finish putting away the last few of my things- will you be okay on your own for a bit?"

Confusion. At first, that was all I felt. And it wasn't in response to his question or the sudden shift of topics. No, it was the sudden shift in Edward himself. Just moments before, Edward had been there. But now, though it may have sounded insane and unreasonable, he suddenly wasn't. I couldn't explain it, but though Edward stood just feet away above me, he wasn't there. A physical shell of Edward stood there, but nothing more. I was sure of it because this was a circumstance that was all too familiar, sending me back to those first days just a month before.

Once I made that association, the confusion passed, and I didn't care what was causing his blankness. As if involuntarily reacting to his abrupt change in demeanor, I felt my own emotions swinging out of control. I realized I had been leaning on Edward more than any of my estimations just minutes before had assumed. My rock, my mountain of support crumbled out from beneath me, and I was falling. Falling into a rushing, angry sea of emotions and instincts. The next wave of emotion to crash over me brought anger, at myself for overreacting and at Edward for giving me even the slightest reason to do so. Then, for whatever reason, more than anything I felt an immature, pathetic indignation at his suggestion that I couldn't be alone unsupervised. Of course, I knew that wasn't what he meant. It was just that I was disturbed by the way he had so suddenly turned into an entirely different person- or rather, non-person. And underneath all my newborn lack of self-control, I also knew that none of my intense feelings made sense. After all, it wasn't like Edward had actually even done anything. On the other hand I knew I hadn't either, and irrationally felt abandoned. Without my steadfast anchor, I was disoriented. I could only imagine the way I was feeling was like being a spoiled toddler, deprived of her nap. Unwilling to give in to my inner two-year-old's need to throw a temper tantrum, I realized Edward was still waiting for an answer to his question. Making sure I had some semblance of self-control, I gave him one.

"Of course I will," I said, with just the slightest touch of harshness in my tone. For the first time in weeks I saw a hint of pain flit across his face. I wasn't sure how to react to this break in his mask, but before I could give it proper consideration he offered a neutral head nod and dashed up the stairs. Moments later I heard music from the direction of his room, though I couldn't have described it if asked. I was oblivious as I stood statue still in the middle of the great room, allowing ridiculous, inexplicable emotions course through my limbs. When I was sure I wouldn't accidentally take anything out on the house and Esme's hard work, I willed myself to move. Slowly, I made my way upstairs to my own room, using all the reserve I could to not slam the door like a 13-year-old girl. I would have surely broken the door off its hinges if I had, and most likely cracked the wall as well.

Once in the room with the door shut tightly behind me, I made my way to the loveseat. I sat blankly staring at the picture of my young blissfully happy parents, realizing I had no idea what had just happened downstairs. I started to think it was nothing, but I also noticed that though the angry emotion sea within was calming, laps of hurt and confusion still broke over me, and I was still very much lost. I considered these emotions and explanations for a long time, until I finally allowed myself to stop running mental circles. Instead, I distracted myself with the photo in my hands. I memorized more details than before, noting the way Renee's head rested on Charlie's shoulder, her arms snaking around his middle from behind. I looked at the way Charlie's eyes looked at her with complete adoration, and the way the day had been one of those odd sunny days in Washington.

I willed myself to soak in even the tiniest bit of joy from the photo, however ridiculous the notion was, until a knock on the door jerked my eyes from the image. My muscles involuntarily tensed. I sighed, angry at my exceptional lack of self-regulation today, and willed myself to relax. It seemed like I had good and bad days lately when it came these things, and today was one of the worst.

"Come in," I said quietly, knowing that whoever it was would hear me.

The door pushed open, and Alice's head popped around the corner.

"Hi!" she said, in her usual Alice-like way- bubbly and full of energy- before bouncing over to sit beside me. If she ever felt the need to be cautious around me like some of the others, she never showed it.

"Hi," I replied, making my best attempt to eliminate any sulking from my voice. It didn't work.

"Bella, I already know what happened, so you don't have to pretend."

I sighed again before replying. Of course she had seen it all. "Really. Well, please, if you know about it, could you please tell me? Because I certainly have no idea what just happened."

Alice didn't seem fazed by my outburst, or the fact that my voice had risen a bit toward the end of it. As if someone had flipped a switch, Alice slipped easily into a sisterly, comforting tone, transitioning from her usual child-like demeanor.

"Bella, I'd much rather hear your version first. I may see things, but, since your mind is still just as private as ever, I have no idea what you're thinking."

I smiled at how reasonable she was and the care she was showing before launching into the story. Alice nodded along, listening quietly until I reached the end.

"I know my reaction doesn't make sense Alice, I do. But, its just," I paused, bowing my head as I came around to what I now saw was the central issue. My fingers played with the edge of my shirt as I continued. "He promised to never be like that around me again, and he broke his promise. And it's not even like there was a reason for it, not that I saw." My eyes shot back up, pleading with Alice for some kind of explanation or answer. "We were making such progress- I just don't understand, and its unsettling, and..."

I trailed off, unsure of what else I was trying to add. Alice took it as her cue.

"Well, first, I must say my brother is quite the bonehead." I giggled at her choice of words, grateful for a relief in the tension. She smiled at me gently before continuing, more seriously.

"Beyond that- well, I can't say much without violating his privacy."

"Wait- what? Did you see something that explains this?"

She didn't answer, but her pause was long enough to confirm my accusation, and my curiosity peaked. Alice too knew her mistake, and spoke again before I could leap in to try and convince her to reveal more.

"Yes. But you know my visions are subjective, and I don't really feel comfortable…"

I interrupted before she could finish.

"Okay Alice. I understand." I did, even if I was dying to know what she had seen. "But can you just tell me if this will blow over?" I had to know the answer to that question- though it had only been a few hours, the gulf that seemed to have come between Edward and I seemed as wide as an ocean in comparison to the way things had been.

Alice sat calculating for long moments. "Most likely. But that's all I can say! Anyway, that was only part of the reason I came up here. I also wanted to tell you that Carlisle wants to speak with you- I told him I needed to see you first but would send you soon."

I blinked, amazed at how quickly Alice had gotten out of explaining her indefinite answer. Yet, I also felt relief- most likely. That was good enough for the moment.

"Ok," I said, standing to leave the room, setting the picture down on the table in front of the loveseat. The action served as a reminder, and I turned back around and gave Alice a quick squeeze. "Thanks for the photos and things, by the way."

"Of course Bella." She said, before letting me go. "I know how much I wish I had something to remember anything about my own humanity."

My eyes narrowed and I paused. "You can't remember anything?" I asked, baffled. Even without the physical reminders, I had a few memories.

"Nothing," she said. "All I know starts from the burning." She offered a small smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes as she shook off her reminiscing. "But that's a story for another time- Carlisle is waiting."

I nodded before leaving the room, as many questions coursing through my mind than before I had spoken with Alice. Including what Carlisle wanted.

--

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long. I walked down the long hallway, reaching the large cherry wood door at the end of the hallway that led to the study. It was closed, and though I was sure Carlisle would have heard me coming and was expecting me, I knocked, remembering to be gentle.

"Yes?" Carlisle called.

I took that as permission to enter, and slowly opened the door. Carlisle was sitting at his desk, a large medical text sitting open before him. He smiled genuinely at me before standing up, closing the book as he did.

"Come in, come in Bella!" he said, walking around the desk. I stepped the few feet into the room and took a seat that Carlisle had gestured toward. He pulled up another, and I appreciated that he hadn't sat on the other side of the desk. I assumed it was his intentional way and making sure I wasn't intimidated.

Still, I couldn't help being a little nervous, just over the unknown factor of this meeting.

"Bella, I'm sure you're wondering why I asked you here." I shyly smiled my affirmation- even if Carlisle had been nothing but fully welcoming and caring, I couldn't help but feel a little awkward around him.

He smiled back. "Don't worry- nothing serious. I just wanted to see how you were adjusting. I've noticed you bonding with Edward- and the others of course- and I wanted to let you know I'm here to help you as well. I've said this before, but you are a part of this family now, and that means your well-being is a part of ours. So- is there anything I- or anyone else- can help you with?"

My mind raced at his question, considering the bevy of issues that had come up in the past few days. I decided there were several I wasn't comfortable discussing and squirmed slightly in my seat, not wanting to lie and say everything was fine either. Obviously that was not true, and I couldn't imagine betraying Carlisle's confidence when he was offering me so much. Finally, I settled on the issues I thought that he would be most likely to be able to help me with. One in particular leaped out at me, covered in guilt.

"Well, I've already discussed this with Jasper, but…something happened the night before we left Forks."

I saw Carlisle raise one eyebrow, but besides this, he remained calm. "Oh?" he asked simply, leaving me room to explain without making assumptions.

"Yes. Don't get upset with Edward- I don't think he told anyone because he wanted to respect my privacy, but…." I trailed off again, taking a deep unnecessary breath to relax. "When we went out to hunt, we ran farther away than usual. I was tracking some deer, but just before I reached them, I became distracted." I shifted uncomfortably again, but Carlisle just continued to wait patiently, attentively. "There must have been a camper nearby, and before I knew what happened, I..I was running toward this scent- toward human blood. But Edward stopped me, and nothing happened, and I don't want to kill people because I can't imagine killing someone like Renee or Charlie…" I finished my confession hurriedly, trailing off as more spilled out than I had intended. I felt my eyes prickling, tearless. "I'm so sorry, so, so sorry." I said, burying my face in my palms. Though I wasn't weighted with the full amount of pain and despair as I had been just two nights before- Edward had helped me to see that it hadn't been all my fault- I did feel a new measure of shame hit, particularly because I felt I was a disappointment.

"Bella," Carlisle called, and I noticed his hand was sitting gently on my shoulder. I looked up at the sound of my name, and the gentleness in his voice. He had shifted his chair next to mine, and we sat on eye-level with each other. He peered into my eyes, and I noticed there wasn't a trace of disappointment on his face, nor reprimand.

"Bella, certainly, the situation could have turned out badly. However, it is nothing more than is to be expected. Had you attacked, none of us would have thought any differently of you. While I'm thankful you don't have a human's death on your conscience, you also have to understand that what you felt was normal, particularly for your age." He paused, looking to see that I was still paying attention.

"In fact, I consider you rather advanced for your age."

"Everyone seems to tell me that." I mumbled. He chuckled softly before retracting his hand and leaning back in his chair.

"Yes, well. That is because it's true." He paused, as if in thought. "I believe I understand why you went to Jasper with this- a bit of common ground between you two, I suppose." I nodded slightly in agreement.

"If you don't mind me asking, what did he tell you? Assuming you asked for advice"

"He said it would get better, easier. That I would have to learn how to do this in my own way."

Carlisle nodded in agreement. "Well, that is precisely right. Although, I can imagine that's hardly satisfying to you." He searched my face, looking for agreement. He must have seen it, as he continued. "Bella, don't think it will always be this way. It won't be so long before you will be able to tolerate humans- particularly given what I've seen."

I gaped, thinking back to how I had reacted two nights before. I knew Carlisle had experience with these things, but I also couldn't help doubt him with the vivid memory of the bloodlust in my mind. My throat burned ferociously at the thought, and I restrained myself to keep my hand from my throat. I gulped, and made a note to go hunting soon.

Noticing my expression, Carlisle smiled and elaborated. "In controlled environments of course. As Jasper said, it gets better, and easier. It can only do that with exposure though- practice makes perfect, after all. And with Alice around, little is likely to go wrong."

"What about being here a year or two?"

"Oh, well, that's still true, for now at least. I don't think you'll be ready to finish school for a while yet- though I would put our time here around a year, if I had to guess. Of course, that will all be up to you Bella, don't worry. We'll only go when you're comfortable."

I felt more at ease at his words, knowing it would be my decision, despite the fact that I had been becoming more and more alarmed as he had talked about timetables.

"So, my emotions. Will they get better too?"

"Well, why don't you describe the specific problem to me first?" he asked, ever the mindful physician.

The name Edward came to mind when I thought about problems, but I quickly flipped past that one. Edward was precisely what I didn't want to talk about with Carlisle at the moment.

"Mostly, I just feel like a petulant toddler," I said, drawing from my earlier thoughts. "Or an angsty, emotional pre-teen. Maybe a terrible hybrid of the two."

Carlisle chuckled lightly. "Ah, well, then yes, that will get better with time too. In fact, from what I remember, you are better than any of the others were."

"Really?" I asked, awed that anyone could be more emotional than I had been over the past several weeks.

"Absolutely,' he said with enthusiasm. "Emmett may be a big teddy bear now, but in the beginning he used to get angered over the slightest of things. At least one or two things got broken a day. Esme was a nervous wreck at the time."

I smiled at the thought, and sympathized with poor Esme. I remembered how upset she had been about the one vase I had broken, though she had tried to hide it.

"And Rosalie. I'm relatively certain that for the first several months she was either screaming or giving the silent treatment to Edward- they never have gotten along that well. Though that's grown into more of a sibling rivalry these days. Esme was even touchy on occasion in the beginning."

I considered that, trying to imagine Esme being touchy in anyway, though I didn't have such a hard time believing his stories about Rosalie.

"Anyway, my point is, you're perfectly normal Bella."

I sucked a breath in, before asking my final question. "Then why can't Edward read my mind?"

"Do you want him to be able to?"

"Well, no." I most definitely was happy he couldn't- I welcomed the privacy, particularly given the earlier scene.

"Then I would say you have nothing to worry about- I'm not sure why he can't, but I'm working on a couple of theories."

"Like what?" I asked, desperate for an explanation of what I saw as an abnormality, despite Carlisle's assurance.

"Most likely, you have some sort of special ability that doesn't allow his power to work on you."

I considered this, but was still left questioning. "Then why can Jasper and Alice use their powers on me?"

He sighed, shaking his head. "I can't be sure, but the only reason I can come up with is that their powers affect your body, not your mind, like Edward's."

"Hmmm," I said. I supposed that did make sense, even if it wasn't a complete explanation.

"Well, thanks Carlisle. I appreciate it all- everything."

He nodded, still smiling. "Of course. Any time Bella."

I left his office, feeling better than I had since this morning. Though that wasn't really saying much, and I trudged back to my room, mentally and emotionally exhausted. With nothing better to do, I pulled Wuthering Heights from the table where I had left it and crashed down onto the fluffy white-cloud bed to read.

A/N: I have a renewed devotion to finishing this story, and hopefully, I'm getting there. I feel like this may be past the halfway point- or at least it will be after the next chapter. Only problem is, I feel like I've changed direction since I wrote the prologue, but I'm still committed to making that scene come true. So I need YOU!!! As always, I ask that everyone please review- however, if any of you feel like adding some suggestions for how to make that scene happen, I especially encourage you to review as well!