16. The Scales

A/N: You guys are so awesome- with the last chapter La Tua Cantante broke 200 reviews! Here's the next chapter- be sure to let me know what you think.

Edward's POV

I stared at ceiling, its golden beige the slightest shade lighter than the sofa I lay on. Equally golden beams of sunlight shone through the window opposite of my door. The white frame of the glass helped the light create block shapes on the paint, overlaid by a dot pattern, produced by refracting beams bouncing off of my skin. The sheer amount of time I had been laying on the couch made me notice these trivial things, despite most of my attention being focused on internally beating myself up. Truly, the self-bashing could have been a prize fight worthy of pay-per-view.

I knew my reaction downstairs an hour or so before had been unjustified, stupid, cowardly, and the farthest thing from constructive. Yet, none of that was the main reason my internal self was suffering from two black eyes and a busted lip. Certainly, it only compounded the situation, but the real wrong was much more serious.

Everything had been fine. The morning had been going well, and I had been enjoying Bella's company. Most of all, I was thankful that she had seemed to be doing better than just a little more than twenty-four hours before. When she had asked me to play the piano, I had been more than happy to oblige. Anything for Bella. But then, I had begun to play. It was unfathomable. Everything I had been denying spilled out through my fingertips and into the keys, all transformed into something so concrete I couldn't escape it any longer. For the first time, I had let myself feel without distraction or constraint, and the feelings had taken my breath away.

Yet, even then, I was dense- much denser than what Jasper had assumed I was. It wasn't until I had turned and really looked at Bella that I had realized what strong emotions I was feeling. With blinders ripped from my eyes, the glimpses I had limited myself to suddenly united into a singular whole. I saw that behind the red, her eyes still offered a look into her kind, old soul. I saw how delicate and absolutely, breathtakingly gorgeous she was. I saw that she was strong and strong-willed. I saw that she was everything that defined the piece I had just spontaneously composed. I saw that the music was inspired by her, and the feelings I felt for her. Above all, I knew just one thing in my existence was exactly the same and absolutely true- Jasper had been wrong just days before. I did not like Bella. I loved her.

As ridiculous as it was, I loved Bella. I had tried to kill her, and now I loved her, in every possible way and with every fiber of my being.

Beyond that certainty, nothing else had an answer. What was I supposed to do with the irony? And how dare I fall in love with her?

Under the assault of uncertainty and questions, I was forced to take my abrupt escape. I didn't know what I might do if left to feel so intensely around Bella. It was miraculous I hadn't done anything I wouldn't be able to take back, though the reasons had very little to do with my own restraint.

Initially, I had only been caught off guard. As the last notes had faded away and I had turned from the piano, the full force of my realization had not hit. Once the facts had become apparent, shock had set in before anything else. It was only when Bella had laughed and so innocently smiled up at me through her eyelashes that the burning passion- and horror- had set in. Bella was so incredibly kind and forgiving, beyond what I could have ever deserved. I had been presumptuous, and allowed myself to hope for something that should have never even been a possibility. That wasn't a possibility. She was the lovely one, not the pale musical reflection I had produced. Suddenly, she was more appealing than on the day I had met her, even without the pull of her blood. As if stuck in a bad re-run of that first day, I felt my body physically reacting, literally drawn toward her. My hand rose, ready to cradle her cheek in its palm and I had literally opened my mouth to confess everything on the spot.

Yet, mercifully, there was no repeat performance of my lapse in self-control. Thankfully, whatever deity above granted me the discipline I had so lacked before. I stifled the desire, pushing it back deep down, as far from the surface as possible. I took back power of my body before it was too late and instantaneously leapt back from the source of temptation. I shut the keyboard lid, hoping that maybe the emotions would stay inside the piano, the only outlet I had ever deposited them in. As quickly as possible I had disengaged from the situation, excusing myself. Though I obviously hadn't left quickly enough- I saw and heard the confusion and hurt in Bella's voice. And, despite wishing it was all in my head, her pain caused me pain. I only hoped she had missed my face contorting into a wince, knowing how much it would upset her. Knowing that in that moment, I had broken the promise I had made to her and myself. Yet, I couldn't help thinking that the original promise only applied to my initial mistake and not this newer, fully conscious one. Surely I couldn't be excused for such blatant idiocy.

This all led to the current cowering in my room, unsure of what course of action to take. I tried to convince myself that I was inventing things, but my emotions weren't so different from the monster that had taken over that fateful day in Forks. Once I let them free, they refused to be placed back in a cage. I was past the point of no-return, and denial was no longer an option- I loved Bella. No amount of self-chiding, self-mockery, or attempts at dissuasion could erase that fact.

With more than enough reservations, I accepted that inescapable conviction. Even once I came to terms with this new facet of my existence, I still had no course of action. Obviously, there were a thousand and one reasons why I would never tell Bella. First, I didn't deserve her, for apparent reasons. Though this was the only one that truly mattered, plenty of supporting arguments were just as important. For instance, if she or I got past my obvious inferiority, Bella was still a newborn. There was no way I was going to further complicate her world when she was still incapable of handling the simple. And there was always the fact that I was a plain coward. There was no way Bella would reciprocate, given reason one and two. I simply didn't want to expose myself to her denial- I knew it would hurt more than never telling her.

Understanding that I could never explain my feelings to Bella, I was still left without an answer to my dilemma. I had only eliminated one possibility- which hardly counted at all, considering it had never really been a viable option. Therefore, as I saw it, there were just two other prospects. The first was to run away, not so differently from what I had wanted to do in the very beginning. For a moment, I considered this solution and deemed it plausible. Anyone, even Carlisle, would agree that I had fulfilled my obligation to Bella, as the one who had turned her. I had explained our world to Bella, and even given her much more information than the average newborn was granted. She was no risk of exposure, and certainly not because of negligence on my part- I had no more obligations to her, as far as any vampire law dictated. However, even I knew this solution and argument didn't truly hold. Not because I hadn't done my duty as defined by the Volturri. It also wasn't because I would be abandoning Bella- she would still have our family. However, I also knew that I had a deeper moral obligation to Bella for taking her human life when she had been perfectly happy and normal. If pressed, even Carlisle would agree with me.

Thus, there was only one final solution left. I would stay, and nothing would change- I would continue on as Bella's friend and confidante. Yes, I loved her- there was no turning my back on that fact. Yes, it would be torture to not tell her and be so close. Yet, couldn't my eternal friendship and protection be my ultimate expression of love? It would have to be, because it would be all I could ever ask or deserve.

--

By the time I had come to the only logical conclusion, I knew Bella was in the room across the hall. Somewhere in the middle of my personal struggle, I had heard her, though I catalogued the fact subconsciously. I didn't want to think about how I must have confused her with my actions, even hurt her. Yet it was all I could think about. I was paralyzed, unable to do anything about my wrong. I knew I needed to cross the hall and go talk to her, but I still didn't trust myself to do so. I laughed to myself at the ridiculousness of it all. It seemed that this scenario played out over and over again- Bella needed me, and I was never there when she needed me most, too weak to face my own demons in order to support her. Deciding that any action would have to wait, despite my prior determination to keep things the same as they had been, I stayed frozen in place on the couch. At some point I reached out for headphones in an attempt to drown out my own thoughts and anyone else's who might be in the house.

That is how I came to be attacked by the pixie. One moment, I was floating along on the currents of melodies, harmonies and rhythms, forcing my mind to be blank. Then, before I could react, the headphones had been ripped off and Alice stood above me, hands on her hips and a stern expression on her face. Despite her petite statute, the rage in her eyes was menacing.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" she hissed under her breath, obviously angry.

I looked up at her, realizing what she was asking. Of course she had seen what had happened. I sat up slowly, bracing myself for the full wrath of my sister's indignant fury.

"And before you answer," she continued, still whispering, "keep in mind Bella and Carlisle are down the hall in the study." Well, that did explain the whispering.

Matching her quiet tone to avoid being overheard, I grasped at anything I could to explain myself. A difficult task, considering I didn't want to reveal everything. Finally, I settled on ambiguity.

"Alice- its complicated. But I promise, I'm going to take care of it."

"Really?" she asked, obviously not satisfied, her anger intensifying. Apparently, vagueness was not going to work.

"Then why are there about a dozen different possible futures, most of which involve either you, Bella, or both of you miserable? And don't bother trying to hide things- Jasper already told me all about what you're feeling."

I sighed- in this moment, I had never hated having an empath and seer for a brother and sister more. I vowed to kill Jasper the next time I saw him.

After staring down at the floor for a moment, I turned my gaze up, steely eyed.

"There are no other options." I replied simply, every ounce of conviction I had coating the words.

"Edward, of all people, I know that is a bold-faced lie. There always other options." Her statement was hardly convincing, despite her abundant confidence. But then I saw the vision, replayed in her mind's eye. It was short, little more than a flash. All that I could see was Bella, but the perspective and Bella's face presented more than enough to leave me questioning. Bella was smiling, her eyes golden but glittering in an entirely unrelated way while someone gazed down on her, their view tinted with adoration and love.

I growled low, running my hands through my hair, and leaping off the couch before pacing around the room. I was overcome with chagrin, at myself for the spike of hope and longing I felt, and at Alice for showing me the image.

"Why did you come up here Alice?" I asked, at a loss.

She paused before taking my hand and pulling me back to couch. She sat beside me, her tiny hands clasping my own.

"Edward, I'm not going to tell you what to do- though obviously, I think the answer is clear." I glared at her, ready to make my point again. "But," she began again, emphasizing the word and cutting off whatever she had seen me about to say, "I only came up here because of Bella."

I gave her a questioning look, listening to the snippets from her conversation with Bella that incidentally replayed in her head.

Her voice softened, knowing I had heard. I imagined she saw the pain it caused me to know exactly how much I had injured Bella. She squeezed my hand in her own, locking her eyes with my own. They were clouded with more sincerity and earnestness than I was used to, and that was more than enough to command my attention.

"Edward, I love Bella too. She's my sister now, and whatever happens, she always will be. And that is why I'm here- I don't want those visions of her future to come true. If you want to sacrifice your own happiness, that's your own business. But Bella- just don't do anything stupid."

I nodded, knowing I couldn't bear it if I made Bella miserable. That was the point of my entire plan.

"Of course Alice. I only want her to be happy- that's the only reason I'm still here." I said, gesturing around the room. Alice understood, having seen the multitude of futures that must have been possible given what I had been thinking earlier.

"Well," she began, lightness and condescension returning to her tone, "you know how I think she would be most happy. For now I'll settle for you going to talk to her. You have to let her know everything is ok."

"There is no "for now" Alice," I said, wondering if I had really accomplished anything at all in the last ten minutes.

"Whatever you say Edward- just go."

I sighed, shaking my head at how crazy my little sister could be, and doing my best to ignore that she was blocking her thoughts from me at the moment. For once, I didn't particularly want to know what potential futures existed, considering that they may compromise my good intentions.

"I will- just give me a couple of minutes." She nodded, before skipping daintily out of the room, calling for Jasper.

She was insane, of course, even if the visions seemed to show otherwise. The scene had been out of context, and I knew there was no way I could ever make Bella authentically happy. Not in the way she should have been. The way she could have been as a human. Instead, I had taken away every possibility of complete happiness, saddling her with an eternal, eating emptiness. No matter what happened, that hole could never be filled, by anything and certainly not me. It would simply be unfair, the way she would be able to complete me. I too knew about the emptiness, but it was different for me. My human life had been over, and this was the best future that had been possible for me. But Bella would have had her entire human life in front of her. The only way I knew to even come close to evening the balance would be too deny myself the one thing that would complete me, and make sure she was given everything she could ever want or need. With this conviction, I rose from the couch for the first time in hours and went to embark on my futile attempt to balance the scales I had unjustly tipped.

A/N: A little shorter than usual, but I just wanted to explain the other side of the last chapter.