18. Walk the Walk

A/N:Hi everyone- sorry this update took so long. It was difficult to write and I'm in the middle of finals, and should actually be studying right now- hope you enjoy!

Bella's POV

I stood rooted to the carpeted floor in front of my bedroom door, staring into the attached full-length mirror. I was examining my short-sleeved deep blue cardigan and dark-wash jeans, wondering if they accomplished my goals for the day. They were satisfactorily non-descript, with the exception of the designer tags on each. Of all the clothing options in my closet, this was one of the few outfits I felt would best blend in. My lack of choices in this scenario was owed to Alice's unfortunate sense of flair. Thankfully, toward the back of the closet I had been able to dig up a pair of simple black flats to complete the ordinary look. Meanwhile, my hair hung naturally around my face, waves rolling down to the center of my back. All of this equated to a mostly unremarkable appearance.

Of course, there was no getting around the one facet of my look I had no control over. The slight changes in my body and facial structure no longer shocked me, but I knew that this was only due to familiarity. While I still thought of Rosalie, Alice, and Esme as more beautiful than myself, I did know that I was no longer the same plain seventeen year old girl I had been. I also knew that my pale skin and flawless features would be stunning to any human who saw me, ruining my feeble attempts at an average veneer. The effect would be identical to what I had experienced when I had seen Edward for the first time, months before. Though, if I was honest, he still had that effect on me- so maybe I was overestimating how much human vs. vampire had to do with it. Then again, it was remarkable how I had adjusted to the appearance of the rest of the family, but Edward could still catch me unaware, shocking me with his chiseled features. It was embarrassing, really, and because I couldn't figure out why I occasionally still got nervous around him, it was a nuisance. He was supposed to my brother after all, if I was a part of this family. However, I had to admit, I never could quite figure out what Edward was to me- neither the label friend nor brother seemed to fit just right.

I shook my head. My infrequent awkwardness around Edward and insecurity about my place within this family was beside the point at the moment. The reason I was considering any of this at all was in preparation for the family's trip to the park today. I knew that, as a vampire, my appearance would always cause me to stand out. With this in mind, I had been trying to find ways to tone down the effect. I doubted I had made much progress, but I was determined to make today go as smoothly as possible. Today was the day that I would walk the walk of being a "vegetarian", in the most literal sense possible.

--

After our meeting with Carlisle, Edward and I had climbed the stairs to get Alice's prescient advisement. As per usual, she had seen us coming and already had plenty to say when she opened the door to the room she shared with Jasper. She smiled and we both came in, finding Jasper leaning against a bureau next to their bed, arms crossed over his chest and one leg crossed over his other ankle. I sidled my way into the room, Edward behind me. I must have looked uncomfortable, provoking Alice to uncharacteristically begin without either of us broaching the topic we had come to talk about. Though she always knew what one of us would say or do before we did, Alice typically gave us the courtesy of waiting. Apparently that rule didn't apply in this scenario.

She took my hand, excitement oozing from every bit of her.

"Oh Bella! Everything is going to be fine. Almost zero chance of you getting out of control." She said, more matter-of-fact than her statement warranted.

"Almost?" I questioned, my voice low and uncertain. How was that supposed to be comforting? I felt the anxiety building, until a touch of calm lapped against me. I shot Jasper a half-thankful half-perturbed glance before returning my attention to the conversation.

"Yes, almost. And don't either of you give me that look," she said, hands balled into tiny fists on her hips, shooting a stern glare at Edward. The picture was almost comical, considering how happy-go-lucky I knew Alice to usually be. Edward remained silent beside me, obviously listening to Alice's thoughts and waiting for her to finish. "You both know as well as I do that I can only have visions based on the decisions of others. Of course Bella, and the rest of us, have made the decision to do everything within our power to prevent an incident. But, Bella is just beginning to transition out of the newborn stage."

"Wait- what does that have to do with the visions?" I asked, confused.

Jasper chimed in, knowingly. "You're decisions can change on the spot Bella, influence by bloodlust. Giving into temptation isn't exactly a premeditated action."

"Oh." I said, realization of what he was implying dawned on me. "My resolution may not matter in the moment."

"Right," Alice said, taking back control of the conversation. "Thus, blurry unsure visions. It really is quite annoying."

I snickered in response, and saw Edward shaking his head in disbelief to my left. Only Alice could be more annoyed by her faulty vision than by my possibly murderous future.

"Anyway," Edward said, breaking the awkward silence. "the point is that our decisions won't change, even if yours do Bella."

I bit my lip in uncertainty, but nodded my head slightly. "Ok."

--

As my memories gave way to the present, I gave one last tug at the hem of my sweater, made sure my hair would distort some of my otherworldly facial features, and took a deep solely-calming breath before opening my bedroom door. It was late afternoon, and the hallway was shadowy due to the cloud covered skies concealing the sun. Even so, with my enhanced vision I saw Edward standing by his own door across the hall.

"Hi," I said, nervousness shaking my voice.

"Hi," he responded, smiling softly, creating a tiny dimple in the stone of his cheek. I chose to focus on that, ignoring the conflicting overt concern in his eyes.

"Now or never, huh?"

The smile vanished, replaced by a thin, straight, serious line. "It doesn't have to be Bella. This is all your decision- we could wait."

I shook my head. While I appreciated the opportunity for an out, there was no way I was going to lose my resolve now. "No Edward. I'm ok- just nervous."

His head tilted downward, almost imperceptibly. "Reasonable," he conceded. "But nothing is going to happen," he added, cold certainty in his voice.

I let out the smallest of sighs. Though Edward certainly heard it, he didn't acknowledge my expression of exasperation. Over the last couple of nights, we had discussed the possibilities a hundred and one times, discussing what I would feel and how I could cope with it. Each conversation had ended in him making guarantees that I didn't feel were possible to make. I had expressed these feelings often enough, so Edward only gestured for me to walk ahead of him, down the stairs.

Though the walk took mere seconds, it felt like everything slowed for those few moments. Images of the potential outcomes flashed red-hot through my mind, one after another. It was nightmarish, and made my stomach twist in knots as I conjured up image after image, all involving my teeth in some innocent victims neck. I clenched my eyes shut, willing myself to clear my mind.

This is silly. I'll have the entire family with me.

Yes, that was what was important. I would have all the support I could imagine ever needing. Maybe Edward was right, and nothing would happen. Yet, I had to prepare myself for the worst, while steeling my own will to avoid the same things. I hit the first floor landing with this thought and pulled my face into a calm façade, pushing as much panic away as I could. Thankfully, Jasper quietly assisted me without alerting everyone else to how I felt, sending a deep sense of peace to me from where he stood beside Alice. I flashed him a grateful look, somehow appeased by knowing that at least one person in the room fully understood my anxiety. Carlisle entered the room just a second after Edward and I walked in, apparently just back from the hospital- he still smelled like disinfectants and terrible cafeteria food. He stopped by Esme, his arm slinking around her middle before kissing the top of her head. I smiled slightly, noting how Esme leaned into him, closing her eyes for the tiniest moment as his lips brushed her hair. It was nice to see them so in love, though something inside me itched at the sight. I ignored the hardly notable sensation, turning my attention to the room full of vampires in front of me. Emmet stood beside the couch arm, where Rosalie had perched herself, one foot resting on the couch's cushions while the other dangled gracefully in the air. They all looked expectantly at me, golden eyes filled with everything from cautiousness and worry to expectance.

I swallowed, knowing this was my cue to make. Surprisingly, I felt Edward's hand reach down to grab my own, giving it the slightest squeeze. I turned to look at him, shocked- almost in the literal electric sense- at the physical contact. He gave me small encouraging smile, eyes clouded with something I didn't recognize. For once I didn't see even a hint of pain or any other negative emotions- just a pure, sweet one that I couldn't pinpoint. I got lost in his gaze, until I heard Jasper clearing his throat. Edward smiled once more, dropping my hand after another squeeze. Almost immediately I wished he hadn't, the comfort I had felt before slowly slipping away.

Before I could lose my composure, I turned back to the assembled group, gathering up as much determination I could, channeling it into my words. "Well, looks like we're ready to go," I offered- almost immediately, my utterance broke the spell that had held the room in suspension.

Alice darted to my side looping her arm through my own, while Carlisle nodded. The family swung into action, moving toward the garage. Alice tugged me along, the movement seemingly activating her chattering.

"Bella, it's going to be fine. Jasper, me, and you are riding with Edward in the Volvo- the other's are in the BMW. It's pretty cool for late June, and it will be dark in about an hour, so there won't even be too many humans out at the park. And Bella- really. Couldn't you have picked something nicer to wear? I mean, it is your first foray back out into the world-"

I laughed, thankful for a break in the tension. Deciding that I didn't want to talk about the impending events of the evening, I took Alice's bate, launching into a debate about what I should have worn. I saw Edward smirk and shake his head as he passed us, climbing into the driver's side of the Volvo, Jasper taking the other front seat. Soon we were pulling out of the garage, and then hurtling down the road on the way to the nearest neighborhood park.

--

All too quickly, we arrived in a tree-lined parking lot. Edward whipped the car into place in the spot farthest from the park's entrances, ending our ride. For its entirety I had been allowing Alice to chatter on about clothes, while my mind raced and considered how I was going to manage this. How was I supposed to overcome my own nature? It was a preposterous idea, and became only more so the closer we got to our destination. Yet, I was set on accomplishing the feat. No matter what Edward believed, I knew the Cullens weren't monsters. Not as long as they lived this way. And I was not going to be a monster. This was one step in the process.

My intentions decided, I began convincing myself that I was just along on a family outing and moved to pull the door handle. I never got the chance. Just as I my fingertips brushed the metal lever, Edward opened my door. He offered his hand, and I took it, pulling myself out of the car. I began to slide my slim fingers out of his grasp, but his hand squeezed tightly around my own, not letting go as he closed the car door behind me. I looked into his eyes questioningly, raising an eyebrow. He shrugged, lacing his fingers through my own to further enhance his hold.

"Sorry. Precaution," he stated matter-of-factly.

Of course it was. Despite knowing that Edward was only holding onto me to keep me from pouncing on the first human we came across, I couldn't deny the comfort sweeping over me, and knew it wasn't coming from Jasper. It was nice to feel connected to someone else, to know that there was no way they would let me go. It didn't hurt that the someone happened to be the one person in the world I felt the safest and most comfortable with. No matter how absurd that sounded, considering our history and the fact that I always felt like I wasn't quite able to grasp something when I was with him. These things were far outweighed by how dedicated I knew Edward to be to me, even after he had more than done his duty as the one who had turned me. When his kindness, sensitivity, caring nature and warmth were added to the proverbial scale, any reasons I had for discomfort around Edward were no heavier than a feather in comparison.

My internal calculations were interrupted when Alice looped her arm through mine. I noticed then that Esme and Carlisle had went ahead of us, Carlisle's arm wrapped around her shoulders as they strode toward the park's main gate. Alice pulled me along, and, still attached to Edward, we also began moving that way. Emmet, Jasper and Rosalie walked a few paces behind us.

"You know Bella," Alice piped up, "it might be easier if you don't hold your breath. The point is for you to start adjusting, so you're going to have to breathe eventually, and it will be worse if you smell their blood all at once. Better to get the first exposure over now while we're further away and it's not as strong."

I nodded. I hadn't even realized I had been holding my breath, but now that I thought about it, I hadn't taken a breath from the moment the car had pulled up to the park. I bit my lip, readying myself for the onslaught of desire that was soon to accost my senses, involuntarily thinking about the first and only other time I had been anywhere near a human. Almost automatically I felt my stomach twisting, sweet venom pooling in my mouth. I stopped in my tracks, not wanting to put another step forward as long as my body was acting as a traitor to my own will. Then, just as quickly, the bloodlust vanished.

Edward squeezed my hand, speaking up. "Bella, please. You're going to have to try harder than that- Jasper is here to help, but-"

"Ok," I cut him off, understanding. Edward had clearly received all my emotions second hand from Jasper's mind, and he was right. I needed to get it under control if I expected Jasper to handle not only himself but me as well.

Slowly I took a deep breath, the warm, moist air swooshing into my lungs. Immediately, I smelled the scent of rain and greenery that I had become accustomed to. There were the sugary scents of a variety of blooming flowers, each distinct from the next, accompanied by the caustic aromas of car exhaust and a thousand other chemicals. But above it all there was the scent of human blood, sweet and pure, if still faint. I closed my eyes, tensing my muscles as I processed the delicious smell. I swallowed back a mouthful of venom, reminding myself of who I was, refusing to care that everything in me wanted just one taste of the forbidden liquid. Satisfied that I was in control, despite my still clenched muscles and the voracious fire that blazed in my chest and licked at my throat, I opened my eyes. I exhaled as I did, before taking in another breath. I felt everyone's eyes on me, including Carlisle's and Esme's from where they had stopped at the park's entrance, obviously pausing when I had. I searched out the only pair of eyes that mattered, turning my head to the right.

Edward stood there, and if I was grateful for his presence before, now I felt positively blessed. In this moment, I knew that Edward was my angel. His golden orbs searched my face, undoubtedly looking for clues to what I was thinking, his bronze hair falling forward slightly.

"I can do this," I affirmed, meaning and believing it fully for the first time. "Let's go."

"Alright." He responded simply, and we moved forward. I felt Alice tense slightly beside me, and I glanced over as we walked. I recognized the blank look of her features, but before I could ask her what she had seen, the blankness disappeared.

She grinned, eyes dancing as they flicked to Edward, acknowledging that he had already read her mind before proceeding to explain for me.

"I don't think you'll be needing me Bella," she said cryptically, her arm slipping out of mine. She skipped away before I could ask her to explain further, slipping underneath Jasper's arm several paces behind us, grabbing onto his hand where it hung over her shoulder.

"What was that about?" I asked, looking up at Edward. I worked hard to disregard the fire licking at the back of my throat as I did, taking in another gulp of air instead. I could feel the scent of blood getting heavier in the air, coating my mouth. I pretended I didn't care, purely out of defiance.

He stared ahead, calculating. A moment later, he returned my gaze. "Her visions just became clearer- for now, it looks like you're going to be fine."

I thought about this, wondering what Alice's definition of 'fine' was and contemplating the "for now" part of that statement. Did it mean I would make it through without trying to attack anyone in the park? Or that I just wouldn't hurt anyone- not that I wouldn't try? I came to the conclusion I'd rather not know. I'd rather just focus on what I was doing. This, in a true oxymoron, meant I needed to be distracted.

"Edward, could you distract me?" I asked, beginning to panic as we entered the park, leaving the parking lot behind. In the distance, I saw a mother and her two young children playing in a small stream. Not far from them, a father and son played catch while two older girls, around twelve, swayed back and forth on the swing set, giggling. I breathed as slowly as possible. The longer the break between each new wave, the easier the bloodlust was to deal with. If 'easy' was the appropriate word to describe the waging war between my moral repulsion and carnal desire.

"How?" he asked, as he mercifully turned us away from the children and onto a running path of asphalt.

I laughed despite myself. "Just talk. Say anything."

He paused, looking at me as the gears turned in his head, searching for a discussion topic. "You shouldn't always take Alice's fashion advice," he blurted. Thoroughly confused, I swallowed another mouthful of venom to question him, but he continued before I could open my mouth. "I just meant, I like that sweater. Blue suits you."

Well, mission accomplished. It was as if someone whipped out a fire extinguisher on the inferno within my chest- suddenly, the pain was the last thing on my mind.

"Thanks." I mumbled, feeling extremely shy as I turned to look at the trees on the other side of the pathway. If it were possible, I was sure I would have been blushing. After composing my face to hide my embarrassment, I turned back to look at Edward. I knew I had caught him off guard, noticing that he was looking at me intensely. His eyes were filled with the same emotion I had seen back at the house, the one I couldn't seem to identify. Not that it mattered- the effect was the same either way. I bit my lip, an entirely different kind of burning coursing through my body as our eyes locked- suddenly, I was extremely aware of Edward's hand on my own, and the way my hand rested within his palm and our fingers laced together. It took me back to that night months before, the night of my first hunting trip. A tingling, tickling sensation swept up my fingertips and expanded to incorporate every inch of my body. Though it wasn't the first time I had noticed how stunningly handsome Edward was, this instance felt entirely different than the others. Something fluttered inside me as I visually traced his chiseled features, so impossibly perfect and soft at the same time.

Then, without warning, the connection was broken. I heard the pounding of the running shoes on the pavement before any of my other senses gave warning. Then a puff of wind blew from behind me, carrying the scent of human blood. It was much more potent than what I had experienced so far, its effects much stronger, my distance from its source dramatically reduced. I struggled to not turn and drop into a crouch, gritting my teeth together and holding my breath mid-inhale.

"Edward." I whispered, a hint of desperation in my tone and unable to move. Though I knew I wasn't going to attack the girl, I didn't want to take the risk either. As if my mind wasn't impenetrable to his gift, he yanked me off the pathway, pulling me into the woods. I let out a sigh of relief, thankful to be just a few yards away from the young college student who pounded past on the pathway, blond ponytail swinging and iPod loud enough to be heard through her earphones- even if I didn't have enhanced hearing.

"Thanks for that," I smiled up at Edward, leaning against the tree behind me. We were still connected by our hands, and he stood close, blocking any possible route I might have taken to get to the girl. But now, with the danger averted, I was yet again keenly aware of our physical proximity. As I inhaled, I took in Edward's sweet smell. It nearly drowned out the other appetizing scents in the air, and I wondered how I had never noticed it before. Again, I flashed back to the final night in Forks when he had last saved me from taking a life. It was the only other time we had been this close. This was infinitely less upsetting than that had been, when I had seen the proof of what I was reflected in his eyes and had almost literally bit his head off. Yet, this was upsetting in a different way, because I was overcome with a flood of feelings that I hadn't been aware I had. There was no freshly newborn confusion or other intense, involuntary masking emotions to disguise, blunt, or distract from their effects. As if a blurry film was pulled back from my eyes, I truly 'saw' everything. All that I had spent the previous several months haunted by appeared clearly before me. The feelings of a missing piece, an uncertainty of how I fit in with the Cullens, something important just out of my reach, the way I could never completely let my guard down around Edward... it all made sense. I was dumbfounded by how painfully obvious it was. I looked directly into Edward's eyes, my own surely filled with wonder as image after image of intimate moments with him thundered through my mind's eye. For a moment, I was entirely…dazzled.

That is, until Alice, Jasper and Emmet slipped through the opening in the trees Edward and I had entered through, the sound of rustling leaves announcing their presence. As if stoked with a hot poker, Edward leapt back, letting go of my hand for the first time the entire evening. It felt like a piece of me went with him.

"There you two are!" boomed Emmett, eyes playful as he trundled up to us. "We were starting to wonder if maybe Bella had eaten the girl after all," he teased, tweaking my nose and wiggling his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes.

"Not funny," I declared, barely shaking the enchantment of the moment before, glancing over to see if Edward was affected in the same way. My attempt was futile, as Edward's face was a blank slate.

Emmet only gave a deep, chesty laugh in response.

"We came as quickly as we could," Alice explained, looking to Edward. "I had a brief fuzzy flash- but it looks like it was the clearer picture that came true!" she exclaimed, looking knowingly at Edward. I glanced between the two of them, curious at the warning glare he shot at her.

Even more unsettling and a further contributing factor to the feeling that I was missing something was the look on Jasper's face as he hung back. He was smiling slightly- something I wasn't accustomed to seeing so often on his usually serious features- and glancing back and forth between Edward and I.

Edward seemed to notice the same thing, and I recognized the look on his face that told me he had listened to everyone's thoughts present and wasn't happy about what he heard. He cleared his throat after clearly appraising the mental surroundings and broke the silence.

"It's getting dark, and I think its time we head back and find the others."

I nodded in agreement, making a gross understatement. "I know I've had enough for one evening." I didn't think I would fully process for days what had happened in the last hour.

Emmett laughed, breaking the tension. "Little sister- you have no idea what you're in for."

Though I didn't have Alice's ability, I had no doubt that Emmet was right as we all turned to make our way back to the parking lot where Esme, Carlisle and Rosalie waited.

A/N: There you have it! By the way, I have a vague outline of how the rest of this story is going to go, and it involves about six more chapters. Sad times, I know. But that means I can finally finish some of my other abandoned stories soon! Anyway, please review : )