19. Acceptance

A/N: Hi y'all! So, I survived the semester and I am officially on a three-week break *does happy dance*…and I'm snowed in along with the rest of the East coast. And that means more updates! Barring the necessary family duties and any writer's block, of course.

Side note: The last chapter received very few reviews- I hope that wasn't a reflection on its quality. In any case, here's the next one- I hope it grants some insight into Edward : )

Edward's POV

Ever since Isabella Swan had entered my life, stumbling in unawares, my simple, boring existence had become a whirlwind of unexpected events.

In a matter of minutes I had rebelled against everything I had been committed to and accomplished over the past ninety years. All the progress and time invested in my 'vegetarian' lifestyle- poof. It had been gone, destroyed by a small, insignificant human girl- all she had needed to do was trip her way into a Biology class.

Hours later, before she awoke, I made the decision to put Bella before myself. Those days were my first attempt at actively engagingly in selfless behavior. Certainly, my family had grown to be important to me and I loved them, but I had always been first in my own mind. Bella forced that to change immediately, pulling me out of my self-constructed isolation.

Finally, in the matter of weeks, Bella had led me to love in a way I had never before loved. I hadn't even thought it was possible, despite the three shining examples that I had personally and intimately observed for decades. Yet Bella had made the difference, causing my dead heart to lurch back to life and the soul I hadn't thought I possessed to soar.

In the span of a month, Bella had broken down every barrier I had ever thought to put up. Little had I known she was nowhere near finished, despite my attempts to return to the leaden pace of existence that that was both comfortable and familiar. I had firmly refused to accept the freedom I finally obtained as my last remaining wall came tumbling down that day at the piano. Instead, I had frantically set to work constructing more in an attempt to arrest any further developments, desperately unsure of how to exist outside of my personal cage.

I should have realized my resistance would be futile, as long as Bella was involved. She was contagious.

Everything changed in the park, and I knew it. And I don't mean that in the something-shifted-in-the-cosmos-and-I-sensed-it way. Something certainly did shift, but I only knew it from the flurry of visions that Alice didn't try to conceal, blatantly wanting me to see instead.

Of course, I couldn't blame her for insensitivity the first time. There was no way Alice could have hidden the brief flash she experienced as we walked through the parking lot, and the vision itself had been innocent enough. In it Bella and I were walking along a path alone, talking hand-in-hand while Bella's expression was shy and slightly shocked. Truthfully, it didn't reveal much.

So we were holding hands. I had honestly taken her hand at the car as a measure of safety- even if her touch granted me one of the greatest joys I had ever experienced. It was no different than my identical earlier action at the house, despite the thoughts that had raced through both Jasper's and Alice's minds. Yes, I had reached out, breaking my own rule against physical contact with Bella. But as it was now, taking her hand had been an act solely meant to benefit her and not implemented for my own indulgence.

As for Bella's expression in the image- it was to be expected. She often looked shy, no matter how much time we spent together. There was nothing to gather from the except that it seemed Bella would not be killing anyone today. Not that it had ever even been a possibility in my book.

Therefore, all I had done was steel myself to keep my emotions and desire at bay when Alice sauntered away, leaving Bella and I alone together.

Yet even steel couldn't resist Bella, nor her unexpected actions. Seeing how much she had needed me, I had scrambled to find anything to say to 'distract her', as per her request. Without thinking, entranced by the vision before me, I had blurted out the first thought that crossed my mind.

"You shouldn't always take Alice's fashion advice." Oh, for the love of God.

I was drawing on Alice's ramblings during the car ride over, of course. I was attempting to reaffirm Bella's decisions in an effort to build her confidence. Even in small things like wardrobe choices. Unfortunately, my point was not clear, as Bella's befuddled expression betrayed. I floundered for a better explanation, grasping for the words.

"I just meant, I like that sweater. Blue suits you." Nope, not better.

Immediately, I knew I had given Bella the tiniest of insights into how I truly felt about her. In my freshly constructed wall, Bella had already forced a crack.

Even if it was only the product of my pathetic excuse for expressing the captivating effect of Bella.

The positively irresistible look that graced her face in reaction, reminiscent of the blushing human Bella that had initially ensnared me, served to further exacerbate the damage. She was just so obliviously, unintentionally lovely, with her adorably humble demeanor. Already I felt bricks falling out of place, leaving gaping holes of access into my very core. I became so enthralled in her that I didn't think about shoving the bricks back into place, even haphazardly. I knew my mistake when Bella turned back to face me and I realized that all my feelings and desires were splayed openly across my face.

I saw a flash of recognition in her eyes, saw that she knew there was something out of place in the way I looked at her.

That fact alone was enough to cause further decay, as the crumbling of my protections became practically audible in my own ears.

In the moment, I wished nothing more than to confess everything to her, to tell her the depth of my love. Even more, I wished that I deserved to do so, and wondered if she could ever love me in return. For the slightest of seconds, I thought perhaps, if she did, I might be convinced to not care about the tipped scale I was attempting to balance. Maybe I could make her happy, despite everything- if it was what she wanted.

Then the human girl had approached, and the silent connection was temporarily broken as my need to protect Bella kicked in. I felt her tense, and wondered how she was able to control herself so close to a human. I understood her herculean effort as my name fell delicately from her lips.

"Edward." she said, all but begging. I acquiesced, pulling her out of harm's way.

The brief respite from Bella's piercing gaze, now more golden than red, was enough to jerk me out of my reverie. Frantically, I struggled to place the bricks back in place, reorganizing my thoughts and stacking one after another as I reviewed the multitude of reasons why my wishes should forever go unfulfilled. I pushed back senseless hopes, wants and needs, forced them to be contained. They were simply not fair, not justified.

My slapdash efforts were nearly successful, until Bella spoke.

"Thanks for that," she had said, her words seemingly inconsequential. But her voice's unfathomable beauty caressed my ears, and drew my attention back to her.

Obviously, looking at her was a mistake. Our physical proximity was enough to cause the pile of chipped and battered bricks that served as a sad excuse for some sort of barricade to tremble and sway. I hadn't allowed myself so near to her since the day at the piano- the conversation on the stairs just days before had been trying enough.

Add to my predicament what I actually saw when my eyes rested upon her, and the bricks crashed down yet again, bringing more along with them. This time, I couldn't even bring myself to pile them up again, entirely disarmed.

Aside from the breathtaking beauty she possessed, Bella's features were overcome with a fierceness I had never seen on her before, even in mid-hunt. The emotion was tinged with traces of a hundred others, and I wondered at how easy it was for me to read her face like an open book, no mind-reading or empathic required. In her tawny eyes I recognized realization, shock, wonder…and tenderness. The tenderness rivaled the fierceness, ultimately triumphing as they glided together to seamlessly form an unlikely union. It was an amalgamation that I realized fully characterized Bella herself. Yet, in this case the symbiosis was directed outward, and her eyes scorched my own as she stared up into them. For the second time in recent memory, my breath caught as emotions coursed through my veins with a fury gained from being restricted for so long. A moment longer and I would not have been responsible for my actions.

That next instant never came, as three familiar mental voices suddenly intruded.

I was spared, and was able to pull my gaze away from Bella as I turned in the direction of my encroaching siblings. Alice didn't make a sound besides her thoughts as she came, graceful as always. Yet, Emmett, ever so similar to a bear, rustled leaves and made an all-around noisy approach while Jasper followed behind. Instinctually, I moved away from Bella as cognition kicked in. I dropped her hand, but I didn't miss the way her fingers dragged roughly along mine, as if willing our hands to not part.

I noticed but didn't consider the action as I was finally able to begin processing the jumble of thoughts that came from the three vampires as they broke through the trees. Without the physical touch, proximity and piercing gaze of Bella to scramble my thought processes, I gained back a semblance of concentration. First and foremost Emmett's thoughts stood out, as he considered how to best embarrass Bella, feeling it his brotherly duty.

"There you two are!" he exclaimed, approaching Bella. "We were starting to wonder if maybe Bella had eaten the girl after all," he said, pinching Bella's nose.

"Not funny," she responded, face a mix of amusement and lingering bewilderment. Was it possible yearning was present as well?

My chest gave a small ache even as I kept my face calmly ordered, reacting to Emmett's tiny show of affection I could not allow myself, because of the entirely different meaning it would hold for me.

Yet, Emmett's sentiments would have made me smile, had my attention not instantaneously been grabbed by Alice's mind's eye and chiming voice.

"We came as quickly as we could. I had a brief fuzzy flash- but it looks like it was the clearer picture that came true!" her voice was laced with exuberance, and she meant her intentions to appear innocent to everyone else present.

I knew better.

Indeed, her statement was true. She had come out of concern that perhaps Bella had slipped, despite her earlier vision. She hadn't truly believed it possible, having seen a much clearer picture shortly after the 'brief, fuzzy flash,' yet she wasn't without worry. Thus, this was not what bothered me. Instead, it was the several other future events repeatedly playing on her personal mental movie screen that poked at the anger within my chest. And the smug overtone of it all wasn't helping matters.

She knew that showing me those images would only cause me pain, because I could never allow them to happen. At least, I knew they shouldn't happen.

The loop was endless. Bella and I taking more walks through the park, alone and hand-in-hand. Bella and I in her room, lying in each other's arms, my hand chastely brushing through her hair. Bella and I dancing, slowly twirling around my room in the middle of the night. Bella and I, Bella and I, Bella and I…the images just kept coming, playing over and over again. The individual shots only became clearer with each subsequent showing.

I struggled to contain myself and smother a growl of contempt, settling for what I meant to be a menacing glare shot Alice's way. It didn't have the entire intended effect, most likely because all of my rage was intended more for myself than anyone else. Though I wanted to, I didn't have the heart to project it all outward.

Yet, the loop did stop. In defiance, Alice flashed one last image, the one she had shown me months before as she had berated me and made me promise to keep Bella happy.

It hasn't changed Edward-its obviously only intensified. Why don't you just stop this madness?

I narrowed my eyes at Alice's thought and she sighed internally, the beatific picture of Bella's joyous face disappearing from her mind.

Fine- but you know you shouldn't bet against me.

As much as I hated to admit it, I did know that. I also knew my resolve was slipping- the evidence was emblazoned in my mind's eye, thanks to Alice.

It didn't help that Jasper wasn't much better than his insane pixie mate. To be fair, due to a multitude of discussions over the last few months, he kept his mental comments brief.

Really Edward? You don't think it wouldn't just be easier to tell her how you feel? To accept it? I don't know how you stand keeping all of that inside…

He trailed off as I shifted my death glare to him, shuffling his feet uncomfortably.

Alright. But feeling you and Bella together right now is driving me insane."

'You and Bella?' What was Bella feeling? Was he implying we were feeling similar emotions?

Of course not. That would be insane. How could she? After all I had done, even if I accepted Bella's insistence that I wasn't a monster, I couldn't have earned that right. But my hopes refused to be squashed, desperately clinging to Jasper's internal word choice. They were worse than my walls that refused to stay upright, working together in treachery against me.

They were on their way to success. I glanced furtively over at Bella, curious and hoping to see something on her face again. Not surprisingly, her face was still an open book. However, mostly, all that appeared there was confusion as she chewed at bottom lip. I longed to reach over and pull it out from between her teeth, but restrained myself.

"It's getting dark, and I think its time we head back and find the others," I said instead, feeling a desperate need to get away, to think.

My statement was true, and Bella affirmed my suggestion. I got lost in my own world as we made our way back to the cars, noting how both Jasper and Alice hid their thoughts from me. Rather than be perturbed, I was grateful that they seemed to understand my wishes that the conversation be closed. Temporarily, at least.

With nothing interesting to listen to in my family's heads, I was overtaken by a wave of emotion, every dam within me broken.

I didn't even bother to consider the fact that I had forgotten my wall's bricks, leaving them behind me in the trees. It was okay- they were damaged beyond repair already.

After we returned home from the park, the rest of the evening had continued on uneventfully. At least it had for everyone else.

When we reached the parking lot, Esme, Rosalie and Carlisle had snuck a quick glimpse of Bella's irises, obviously tipped off to the possibilities by Alice. I rolled my eyes at their relieved thoughts, though I couldn't begrudge them their lack of faith- Bella was a newborn, though she had turned out to be little like any newborn we had ever heard of.

Mere minutes later we had arrived back at the mansion, with its light blue siding and dark blue accents the same as ever.

Except that now I inexplicably could do nothing but think of Bella at the sight of the color, imagining the way her satiny skin felt against my own and went perfectly with the shade of blue paint coating the house's shutters. I gritted my teeth together, enraged at the audacity of my heart's desire. As soon as I parked the car in the garage, I yanked the keys out of the ignition and leaped from the driver's seat, slamming the door behind me. It was the roughest I had ever treated the Volvo.

I did my best to not seem too eager as I rushed to my room, shutting the door behind me. I knew everyone would hear it close just a little too loudly, but couldn't bring myself to focus on their reactions. Instead I turned on the CD player and turned it up, not even bothering to care about what I had left inside it last.

It satisfactorily decreased the noise of the rest of the house to an indistinguishable dull roar, and I focused on the events of the past hour. I scoffed that it had only been an hour, while so much had happened. Of course, I shouldn't have been surprised, given my experiences with Bella. She did have a way of inspiring the rash, unthinking side of my brain.

I sat on the floor, back against the black leather couch considering this, until my mind slowly wandered.

At first it was just my memories of Bella today- her bravery, her determination, her smile, the feel of her hand in mine, her faith that I could protect her from herself, the glint of fire in her eyes as we had stood alone in the trees. These alone were enough to drive me insane with an urgent need to be near her, to experience her all over again, in person.

Worse were the images that Bella's face called up in my mind. Despite my will, I masochistically retrieved and began mentally flipping through Alice's visions. A hole yawned within my chest, created by a deep, possessive yearning. I couldn't stop myself from wishing with everything within me that the images would become reality.

And at that moment, I knew there was no way they wouldn't. My decision was made, whether I agreed with it or not.

There was no way in hell I could stay away from Bella any longer- she was the only thing in this world I wanted. I had always wanted her, from the very beginning. For the first time, I accepted that, damn the tipped scales and balance.

A/N: Ahhhh…'bout time ;) Like you guys, I really, really, really want our beloved E and B to get together- so much so that this was initially going to be a BEAST of a chapter. As much as I know you all want to see this come together, I'm sure you can appreciate an update now instead of a thirty page chapter in four days- and well, either way, you can review and tell me what you think! : )

So you know, the title of this chapter (and a couple of references) are inspired by the song So Contagious by Acceptance- the band name fit the chapter, but the song describes what's going on- you should check out the lyrics.