CHAPTER 6

CARRY THAT WEIGHT

Paul gently placed the bread on top of the rest of the groceries in the bag then asked, "Are you sure you don't need help out with this Mrs. Cooper?" She was one of his grandma's friends, and she came into the store every Tuesday for her groceries.

"No, Paul, thank you. I can get it today. Tell Ruth I'll see her on Friday for euchre," she smiled as she pressed two folded dollar bills into his hand.

Paul returned her smile, promising, "I will. You take care." Mrs. Cooper nodded and left the store then Paul looked down at the money she had slipped into his hand as he shook his head and smiled. He loved how his grandma's friends all thought they had to tip him. Paul shoved the money into his pocket and moved to return to stocking the shelves when he heard someone holler from outside, "Lady, back off right now!"

Paul quickly moved to the front window to see what was going on. Mr. Grey, one of his teachers at school, was yelling at some woman. She had her back to him, so he couldn't make out who it was, but by the way she was dressed, Paul could tell she wasn't from around here. Wow, a fight right here in front of the store. That might break up the monotony of the day, Paul thought as he crossed his arms in front of his chest to watch.

"You shut your fucking mouth, you asshole! I had that parking spot and you know it!" the woman spat back.

"Shit," Paul muttered as his face fell when he recognized the voice and then raced out the door to step in between them. "I'm sorry, Mr. Grey. I'll take care of this," he said quickly trying to diffuse the situation.

"Paul, step back. I was trying to tell this . . . "

"No, really, Mr. Grey. I've got this. Just go on." Mr. Grey stared at him for a second then turned to walk down to the drug store.

"Yeah, that's right, you fucking coward! Go and crawl back under whatever rock you crawled out from under!" the woman shrieked from behind him.

Paul whipped around and grabbed her by the arm, dragged her into the alley beside the store, then shoved her against the wall in disgust as he let go of her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded.

"Is that any way to greet your mama, Pauly?"

Paul sneered at her, "Since when have you ever acted like my mother, Doreen?"

Doreen, who was dressed in her usual hot pink tank top and black lycra pants that looked painted on, touched her hands to her bleached teased up hair and tried to smooth it back into place as she drawled, "Oh Paul. Stop being so dramatic." She then reached into her huge purse and pulled out a compact and flipped it open to look her reflection as she dabbed at her nose with the pad. Paul noticed that as usual, her eyes were sunken and bloodshot and she was twitching and having a hard time standing still - tell tale signs that she was using.

Paul was trying hard to keep his anger in check, but it took all the strength he had. "You still haven't answered my question. What are you doing here?"

"Can't a mother stop by to visit her children without getting the third degree?" Doreen asked as she slipped her compact back into her purse.

"No. Have you been to the house yet?"

"Not yet. I needed some cigarettes so I thought I would stop by here first." Doreen looked up at Paul and ran a hand over his chest. "Look at you. You look so cute in your little apron," she smirked.

Knocking her hand away, Paul snarled, "There is no way in hell I'm going to let you set one foot into our house. Travis just stopped crying at night and is finally settling in. And Tyler . . . I don't know what the hell you did that fucked him up so much, but it's going to stop now. You got that?"

With a scowl, Doreen shot back, "They are MY boys, Paul. You can't tell me when I can or can't see them."

Paul leaned closer to her to say evenly, "You gave up your right to us when you dumped us off on Grandma. You really have no idea what kind of pain and destruction you leave behind, do you?"

"I know you have no right to talk to me like that."

"I have every right!" Paul shouted. "You have no idea how many nights I cried myself to sleep when I was little like Trav, wondering what I did to cause my mama to hate me so much. If it wasn't for Grandma, I have no idea where I would be. THAT woman is the only mother I know. And now that you've dumped your other bastards with us, that is what I want for my little brothers, too. It's not easy feeding four of us on Grandma's Social Security and what little I make at the store, but we do it. Because that's what's right. So, I don't have much money, but you can have whatever is in my wallet if you just put your ass back into your car and leave without seeing them."

To prove he meant what he said, Paul pulled out his wallet then took out the money he just received as his pay for the week. He had paid his store tab with part of it, so all he had left was $80. "Here. This is all I have left. I'll park my car for a week and walk, and Travis and I will go fishing for some extra food. Just take it." Paul held it out and just waited for her to snatch it up.

Doreen stared hard at the money for a moment then her hand shot out and grabbed it just like Paul knew she would. He could tell by the look on her face after she counted it she was pissed he only had 80 bucks. She could care less what hardship it put on them, just as long as she could take some money back to her dealer. Paul watched in disgust as she shoved the bills under her bra strap then said, "Thanks, baby. I guess I don't really have time to visit the boys right now anyway. I'll try to stop by another time."

"Don't bother," Paul said through his clenched teeth as he glared at her.

His mother reached out to briefly touch his cheek and for an instant, he saw something that looked like regret in her eyes. "You take care, Pauly," she said softly. But it vanished quickly and her hard look returned as she whirled around to totter away on her 3-inch heels.

Paul exhaled as he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, immediately thrown back to another time when he was little and his mother was leaving him . . .

"I'm sorry, Pauly, but Mommy has to go. I'll be back soon, OK?" she promised as she tried to pry Paul off of her leg where he held on as tight as a 6-year old could.

"Don't go, Mommy! I'll be good, I promise!" Paul wailed.

"That's enough!" his mom spit out. "Let go of me right now and quit your bawling! Ma . . .a little help here!"

Paul's grandmother stepped up behind him to pull him from his mother and pick him up to hold him close to her. "Paul, honey, stop," Ruth said to him firmly, but lovingly. He finally stopped sobbing then looked between his mother and grandmother. As he sniffed, he was amazed at the difference in them. His mother's eyes were so cold and hard, yet his grandmother's so full of love. Paul wrapped his little arms around his grandmother's neck and buried his head in her shoulder.

"Just go, Doreen. Now," his grandmother said gruffly.

"Gladly," Doreen hissed as she picked up her bag and slammed the door behind her.

"It's alright, honey. Don't cry. Everything's alright," Ruth crooned to Paul as she carried him into the kitchen where she set him down on a chair and said with a smile, "How about we make some cookies? That always makes me feel better. Want to help Grandma?"

Paul bobbed his little head as he ran his nose along his arm. He loved his grandma . . . and she did make good cookies. And staying here wasn't so bad . . .

Paul smiled as he remembered how they had made cookies that day and his grandma had succeeded in taking his pain away. Sighing, Paul realized there was no reason to revisit the past. What was done was done, and he was much better off for it.

Pushing himself away from the wall, Paul walked back around the corner to the store. Seeing that Doreen's car was gone, he sighed in relief and wondered for a second if he should call his grandma and warn her just in case his mother didn't head out of town. He really didn't want the boys to see her.

Just then, his manager, Pete, met him at the door. "Paul! Who was that out there? Did you know her?"

"Naw. I just pulled her around the corner and made her calm down. She was pissed at Mr. Grey for supposedly trying to take her parking spot or something. She gave up, got back in her car and left."

Pete just nodded then said, "Well, thanks. It was good of you to take care of that. Produce truck just got here. Can you help me unload it?"

Paul smiled, "Sure, Pete." Work was just what he needed right now.

Later that night, he was on patrol with Jared and Quil. Jared was poking fun at Quil for spending the afternoon with Claire at the beach. They had tried to build a sandcastle, but Claire kept knocking it down.

"How do you put up with it, dude? Spending all your free time with a toddler?"

"I want to be with her. She's so cute! Did I tell you about how she didn't want to brush her teeth, but she did when I got her some Dora the Explorer toothpaste and . . . "

"Oh my God, Quil, give it a rest! I wanna fucking puke!" Paul grumbled.

"What's up your ass, Paul? Jealous cause we have someone and you don't?"

"Thank God! I would shoot myself if I sounded like the two of you. Man, I miss patrolling with Leah."

"Yeah, I'll bet you do," Jared let slip.

Paul growled and nipped at Jared to make him shut up.

Quil was too quick. "Oh yeah? Paul, you got a thing for Leah, do ya?"

Paul whipped around and caught Quil in the back leg with his teeth and he yelped. "What the fuck, Paul! Can't take a joke or what?"

"Been too long, huh, buddy? Maybe you need to call Shelia and get laid." Jared was trying hard to keep what Paul had shared with him out of mind.

"Yeah, maybe. Whatever. Can we just finish this patrol? I'm beat and I need some sleep. It's been a really long day."

The three of them sped up and took another lap of the rez. Dealing with his mom today had Paul on edge and wishing they would come across a bloodsucker right now. He really wanted to rip into something and tear it apart. Finally, Sam called them back and they reported in. Embry, Seth and Collin were taking over so Paul slipped out as soon as he could and headed for home.

He walked in the door to find Tyler sitting up in front of the TV. "Hey, dude. It's like 3 am. What are you doing up?" he asked as he flopped onto the couch.

"Can't sleep."

"Something bugging you?"

"Just shut up and leave me alone, will ya?"

Paul sat up and to take a good look at Tyler. He could see Ty was really upset . . . more than usual. Shit. Doreen. "Talk to me, Ty. What's going on?"

"Maybe I don't want to talk about it, dickhead."

"Well then, get out of my bedroom. I need some sleep." Paul picked up the remote and turned off the TV.

Tyler jumped up then turned to look at Paul and it cut him to the core to see his little brother just seething with pain and anger. Paul reached out and grabbed Ty by the wrist and pulled him down beside him on the couch. "Tyler. Talk to me."

"I saw her today, OK?" he spit out. "I saw . . . Mom today."

"Where?" Paul demanded.

"I saw her drive through town when I came out of the gas station. Me and Brady went in to get a pop, and when I came out, she went driving by real fast. I ran home right away cause I thought she would be coming here . . . but . . . she didn't. She never showed up," Tyler finished as his head dropped to his chest.

"I'm sorry, Ty."

Tyler's head shot up as he asked, "You saw her, too, didn't you?"

Paul held his breath, not really wanting to lie, but . . . he knew Ty wouldn't take it well if he knew he was the one who made her leave town without coming to see him. He weighed his options and finally he said quietly, "Yeah, I saw her."

"Where? Did you talk to her?"

Paul sighed as he leaned back into the couch cushion. "She showed up in front of the store, screaming at one of my teachers cause she thought he was trying to take her fucking parking spot. She was making a spectacle of herself as usual. I had to leave my job to go out and break it up."

Noticing that Tyler watched him intently, drinking in every detail, Paul went on, "I pulled her away and made Mr. Grey leave then I pulled her around the corner to find out why she was here."

"Why was she here? Was she here to see us?" Tyler asked quickly.

"Look, Ty, she was here for the only reason she ever comes here . . . money. She took my last 80 bucks, got back in her car and left . . . probably heading straight for her dealer not giving a fuck that we have nothing to eat for the next week."

Tyler shot off the couch and began frantically pacing back and forth. It amazed Paul and how much Tyler looked just like him right now. "You knew she would come here. She wanted to see us and you told her not to, didn't you? You made her leave before I could see her!" Tyler was yelling now.

Paul stood up to say to him, "Come on, Tyler. Keep it down. I don't want Trav to know. He just stopped crying every night. You want to go through that again?"

"Damnit, I hate you, Paul! I could have talked to her. I couldn't have made her take me home with her." Tyler looked up at with his eyes full of tears and . . . pain. "She needs me, Paul. She needs me to take care of her. She doesn't have anyone to take care of her!"

That was a knife in the gut. Now he understood why Tyler was having such a hard time being here. It wasn't that he was pissed about being dumped here . . . he was worried sick about her.

Paul reached out, placing his huge hand on Tyler's neck to yank him close and hold him as Tyler's tears soaked his bare chest. This made Paul hate his mother more than he ever had before. What she had done to Paul was bad, but at least she had the sense to leave him here when he was five. Tyler had stayed with her for eleven years. Eleven years of seeing her with her drugged out boyfriends and pimps and dealers. God, what all had he seen and put up with? Paul wondered.

Paul led Tyler over to the couch and made him sit down then he plopped down next to him. "Listen, Ty. I get it now. You've never had a chance to be a kid, have you? That's why you're finding it so hard to adjust to being here. You're worried about her, aren't you?"

Tyler nodded as he wiped his nose on his sleeve. "I always shopped for food, and cooked for her cause she was too tired when she came home. I took care of Travis because when he cried it made her mad. Especially when she came home and she didn't feel good." Paul gritted his teeth. He wanted to hunt her down and beat her for what she had done to this kid. "And I tried to keep him out of the way when she brought a guy home, you know?"

"Ty, don't you get it? Don't you understand what a bitch this woman is? You don't treat your kid like that."

"Stop it! Don't call her that," Tyler said in anger. "Maybe she made some mistakes, but she's still my mom. She needs me."

Paul exhaled as his anger built. How could he make Tyler see that their mom just used him? She didn't love him. That wasn't love. Paul turned to face him. "Look at me, Tyler." Tyler looked away and wiped his face as his tears had started to fall again. Paul took his chin and forced him to look at him. "Tyler, I know she's your mom, and every little boy wants their mom to be . . . well, perfect. But our mom is far from perfect. If you just take a minute to look at her like she really is, and not how you think she is, you'll see that you are much better off here with us."

Paul dropped his hand from Tyler's chin and started talking. "Doreen is a drug addict. She has been since I was little. When I was five, my dad got put in jail for dealing. She couldn't handle me alone, so she brought me here. I was devastated when she walked out and left me here. I can still see everything about that day like it happened yesterday . . . but it was the best thing she ever did. I can't imagine what living with her for eleven years must have been like for you. I only have shady memories of them smoking pot and having people coming in and out all times of the day and night, and then the cops coming to the house and arresting my dad."

"The first time she came back, I wanted to go with her so bad. She was the only mom I knew. Grandma had to physically pull me off of her so she could get out of the door. But I remember that day as she looked at me with pure hatred in her eyes just because I was crying . . . that's when I realized that I was much better off here with Grandma. Doreen is selfish. She should never have had kids. Grandma's told me that many times over the years. She will NEVER EVER put anyone else above her own needs, Ty. Never. Not me, not you, not Travis. She is only ever going to look out for herself. You have to know that."

Paul looked over at Tyler, who hung his head and mumbled, "I remember the first time I lied for her. The cops came to the door andI lied and said she wasn't home." Tyler stopped to look over at Paul. "I was four."

Paul bit down his lip as he wanted to shout every obscenity he could think of as Tyler went on, "After that, it got easier to lie for her. I lied to the cops, to the neighbors, to Child Protective Services, her dealer. For some reason, I thought if I lied for her, she would like me. And it worked. She'd always smile at me and say, "You're a good boy, Tyler. Maybe I'll keep you around.' Especially when I would put her to bed and clean up her puke."

Paul took a deep breath. God, how he hated this woman! "See? That's what I mean, Ty? Kids aren't supposed to do that shit for their parents! Don't you get that?"

"Yeah, I get that! After I got older and saw how other kids lived . . . I started to realize what she was and how weird it was that she let me do everything. But what else was I supposed to do? Let them take us away and put us in separate foster homes? I did what I had to do, Paul."

Paul sighed and put his arm around Tyler's shoulders. "Yeah, I see that, bro. So what happened? Why did she bring you guys here?" Tyler just shrugged and remained quiet. "Ty?"

"It was because of one of her boyfriends," Tyler said very softly. "He . . . hit me . . . and stuff."

Paul sat up and looked at Tyler. "And stuff? What happened to you, Tyler? Tell me." Tyler wouldn't look at him so Paul gave him a shake ordered, "Tyler. Tell me now."

"It's not a big deal, OK? I pissed him off and he hit me. It wasn't that bad. I only had a black eye and some bruises."

"What did you do to piss him off?"

Tyler looked up at Paul and said flatly, "I refused to suck his dick."

Paul exploded as he jumped up and asked Tyler, "Did you call the cops? Report him?"

Tyler shook his head. "The next day, Mom packed us up, put us in the car and brought us here."

"Shit! Why would you want to go back there? Why don't you hate her fucking guts like I do? Tyler, this is wrong."

"I know that. I know." A tear left Tyler's eye and ran slowly down his face. "Don't you think I know that? I'm shit, Paul. I'm nothing but shit."

Paul sunk down on the couch and pulled Tyler to him again. He was torn at wanting to hunt down the mother fucker that touched his brother, and wanting to run after his mother and rip her apart as Tyler's body shook with his silent sobs.

Finally Ty pulled himself up and wiped his eyes as Paul said to him, "Tyler, I want you to know something. None of this . . . none of anything that has happened to you in your eleven years is your fault. You are not shit. This is all Doreen. This is HER fault. She MADE you feel this way. Look at me." Tyler tilted his face up to look at Paul. "I'm sorry that you've had to live through those things and I'm really sorry that I've given you such a hard time since you've been here. Thank you for talking to me and telling me this stuff. I'm going to make you a promise now, OK?"

Paul waited a second for Tyler's nod to make sure he was listening to him, then he said seriously, "I swear to God, Tyler, as long as I'm alive, NO ONE will ever hurt you again. From now on, I will protect you and Travis. Anyone messes with you, they mess with me. Got it?"

"You would do that for me? After I've been such a dick to you? And to Grandma?"

Paul had to smile at that as he said, "Yeah, you have been a dick, but I've been known to act that way every now and then, too. Maybe it's in the genes, who knows?"

Tyler actually smiled a little at that as Paul added, "We're brothers, Ty. From now on, we all stick together, OK?"

Tyler nodded as Paul pulled him back for another hug. Just then he heard, "Paul? What's the matter with Tyler?"

They looked up to see Travis standing there rubbing his eyes. Paul suggested to Tyler, "Why don't you go into the bathroom and clean up, OK? Then try and get some sleep."

Tyler got up to walk to the bathroom, but stopped to turn back and say, "Paul? Um, thanks."

Paul stood up to say, "Sure, bro. I got your back. Good night." Tyler went into the bathroom and closed the door then Paul looked down at Travis, picking him up to say, "Tyler's OK. He just had some stuff he needed to talk to me about. Want me to take you back to bed?"

Travis bobbed his head sleepily as Paul smiled and walked into the bedroom to lay Travis down onto the bed. He handed Travis the little worn stuffed puppy that he slept with then covered him up and sat down on the edge of the bed. "It sounded like you were mad. Are you mad at Tyler?"

"No, buddy. I'm not. I was mad about something that happened to Tyler, but I'm not now."

"Good," Travis said as he settled down against his pillow.

"Hey, Trav? Are you happy staying here with me and Grandma?"

"Yes," Travis smiled. "Grandma is nice. She makes good cookies."

Paul had to smile at that. "Yeah, she does. You know, I moved in here to live with her when I was five."

"Really?" Travis yawned.

"Yep. I always liked her cookies, too. You know if you need anything, you can come to me, right?" Travis nodded. "I want you to know I'll protect you and take care of you."

"I know, Paul. I love you," Travis said as he rolled onto his side and closed his eyes.

That startled Paul! He had never had anyone other than his grandma tell him that. He actually felt tears sting his eyes as he ran his hand over Travis' hair. "I love you, too, buddy. Good night."

Paul got up, walked out of the room and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water. As he drank, he heard the bathroom door open and he suspected Tyler was finally heading to bed. God help him, his rage at his mother was roaring its ugly head again and he was having a very hard time holding it back. Setting his glass in the sink, he turned and shakily walked out the back door. He shucked his shorts off just as his body started shifting and he hit the ground running on all fours.

Paul ran hard through the woods trying to expend his anger at that woman who had given birth to him. Never again would he think of her as his mother. If he ever set eyes on her again, he would . . .

"Geez, Paul, what the fuck? I can feel your rage. You've got me wanting to run home and rip my mom's head off. And I love my mom!" Embry. Just what he needed.

"Sorry. Little domestic problem. I really need to run off this anger before I kill someone."

"Yeah, no shit."

Paul suddenly found himself running toward Leah's. Why the hell was he running to her? It was the middle of the night. She would be sleeping. He couldn't wake her up just to cry on her shoulder.

"Wake her up. I can't stand feeling like this," Embry told him.

Paul phased just inside her backyard then realized he didn't have any pants. Shit. Well, it's not like she hadn't seen him without pants before. Grabbing a handful of stones out of her driveway, he made his way to Leah's window and began pelting it with the stones, one at a time. Finally her window went up and Leah stuck her head out. "Who is it?" she called quietly, trying not to wake her mom.

"It's Paul. I really need to talk. Can I come in?"

"Um, OK. Climb up." Leah ducked back inside as he leapt at the tree beside the house and used the limbs to reach her window. He fell to the floor inside then looked up at her.

"Forget your pants or did you shred them?"

Paul smiled as he stood up, not bothering to cover his nudity. "I pulled them off so I wouldn't shred them. Can't afford to buy more. I figure I got nothing you haven't seen before."

"Well, that's true," Leah agreed sleepily as she turned back to the bed leaving Paul to stand there feeling just a little hurt that the sight of his naked body didn't seem to excite her. She scooted over and lay down, patting the bed beside her. Paul smiled and crawled onto the bed as she asked with a yawn, "OK. What brings you here in the middle of the night?"

"I saw my m . . . the woman who gave me birth today. Doreen," Paul sighed. Then he surprised himself by pouring out everything that had happened today . . . the fight in front of the store, and how he paid her what money he had to get rid of her. Once he started talking, he couldn't stop. Words kept pouring out of his mouth . . . he found himself telling her all about how he felt when his mom left and the phone call from his dad on his 16th birthday . . . which led to him telling her about Tyler . . . and what happened to him.

When Paul finally stopped, Leah looked over at him to say, "What a fucking bitch."

Paul actually laughed at that. "I lay here pouring out my guts, and that's all you have to say?"

Leah propped herself up on her elbow to look down at him. "I'm sorry, Paul. I am so sorry. It really helps me to understand you more, you know? None of you deserve her." Then she leaned down to put a soft kiss on his forehead. Paul closed his eyes and relished the feeling of being cared for. This is why he had come here.

"Is Tyler OK?" Leah asked as she laid her head on Paul's shoulder.

"Yeah, I think so. I promised him I would never let anyone hurt him ever again. And I mean that. I would kill anyone that came after my family . . . or my friends."

Leah smiled at that. "I believe you."

"Thanks for listening," Paul sighed. "When I took off running, I thought I was just running off the anger, but, then I realized, I was running to you. You're my best friend, Leah. I've never known anyone like you," he finished with a yawn.

Leah was amazed at how good that made her feel. "Really? I'd have to say you're my best friend, too," she admitted as she ran her hand gently through Paul's hair. After a few minutes, she realized he was snoring softly. Leah lifted her head and looked down at Paul . . . his face was relaxed and he looked so peaceful, she hated to wake him and make him leave.

Reaching out slowly, Leah pulled the sheet over Paul's waist then lay back down, snuggling next to him, wondering about this strange relationship that had developed between them. They had both changed so much in the last few weeks. Somehow they were good for each other. But she was not in love with him. She wasn't going there. Never again. But she would be his friend. That she could do.

Paul rolled over and threw his arm over Leah and she smiled as she closed her eyes. Soon she was snoring right along with him.