22. One Thing
Edward's POV
A vampire's existence is summed up in one great oxymoron: speed and agility characterize our physical abilities while all else- internal and external- coasts by languidly. When the concept of time is easily abandoned within the outlook of eternity, soon enough the world slows down around you. You can be speeding through a forest on foot, or driving over a hundred miles per hour, but all else will appear to barely creep along. It's like someone has played a cruel joke, playing everything in slow-motion while you're on fast forward.
Before you realize it's happening, the same pace is internalized. Soon enough it's not just the outside moving slowly. Of course, internally everything biological has already been arrested by the frigid fingers of death. That is obvious in our never-aging, never-changing appearance. Less blatant is how thoughts, actions and beliefs are handed over to the same fate. At best, these things muck along, trapped in the viscous realities of eternity.
Beyond these effects of time, a vampire's nature becomes its own limiting factor, constricting the possibilities of development in any domain.
There is only supposed to be one final change, and it is forged by venom. Venom is supposed to the last catalyst a vampire ever experiences. From the day I woke up from my transformation over a century before, I hadn't been much of an exception. When my heart stilled, I became just as it was- cold and dead. Physically, emotionally and mentally I remained the seventeen-year-old boy I had been in 1918. Only the slightest of changes had developed over the decades, chipping away at the ice that- in hindsight- held me prisoner.
Even these tiny advancements had taken inordinate amounts of time due to the hard-headed resistance that seemed to be part of my nature. In most cases, pain was a necessary part of their accomplishment, just as it had been in my great metamorphosis.
The first shift occurred early and affected me deeply, but took years. My stint spent abandoning Carlisle's humane version of a vampiric lifestyle had brought great pain. The thoughts of those I had ruthlessly killed had haunted me, despite their horrific crimes. Though I regret it thoroughly, I also believe it was the first breach made in the glacial casing that had distorted my humanity. The slow process had pushed me not only into seeing the beauty and value of human life, but also into maturation. I grew up, for lack of a better explanation.
Since then, a few other minute changes had taken place. They included bonding with Carlisle and Esme as parental figures, overcoming my differences with Rosalie to accept her as a sister, and welcoming Emmett then Jasper and Alice into the family. These alterations were all derived from that first chink in my icy nature- my abstinence from human blood. All because I had, in complete defiance of everything vampire's are, found the ability to feel love and empathy.
Despite this handful of differences, up until nearly a year ago, I had been nearly identical to my newborn self. The world was still stagnant. I was still stagnant, moving slowly in every way but the literal one. My character and emotions remained largely unchanged; I had yet been selfish, rash, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, and tacit. Above all, even though I hadn't understood it, I had been unhappy.
A year had made all the difference. It was only a mere orbit of the sun, 365 days, 8688 hours, 521,280 minutes. However you measured the time, it was a concept that hardly had meaning for me anymore. Yet, what once seemed insignificant had come and gone, turning over a century of everything I knew about myself on its head.
Now, an unprecedented level of change marked me inside and out, the result of uncharacteristic fast-paced transformation. I had practically undergone a full reconstruction- though, it was most likely better characterized as a breaking down rather than building up process. After all, it had taken a complete shattering of my defenses to accomplish.
Either way, the difference was nearly tangible, far surpassing even the effects of my decision to return to Carlisle eighty-plus years before. The other's noticed it to. I saw it in all of their minds, comprehended in each of their unique ways.
Jasper felt it- the love, the happiness, the life. My newfound vitality amazed and rejuvenated him. Alice saw its effects in her visions; saw the shift in my future. Carlisle and Esme each sensed it, so attuned and tied to me through their parental love. Observant Rosalie thought it was a vast improvement on the sullenness that she had never seen me without. Even Emmett wasn't oblivious, sincerely and profoundly happy that I seemed to be happy.
It was while I sat on the floor of my room, leaning against the black leather of my couch and lost in my own thoughts that I contemplated all of this. It was New Year's Eve and for once complete silence enveloped me in its cocoon. No melodic lines emanated from my stereo. With most of the family gone for the night, the house was devoid of the low buzz of mental voices that were a fixture of my existence. Only Bella had been left behind, resulting in utter quiet. In this abnormal, carefully orchestrated lull I mused over how I had come to this point, fiddling mindlessly with the small wooden box in my hands.
Basically, once I considered the totality of my experiences, I came to the conclusion that there was only one factor it all boiled down to.
Every single one my family members recognized this answer to my equation, and so did I.
Simply put, it was Bella. She was the singular influence that had brought me to this place and this moment. No, I was no longer self-centered. Instead, my universe had shifted to center solely on her. In the process it had brought my humanity back to the surface, pulling it from its century-old hiding place. I was a better person for her. In fact, I was whole because of her, no longer a shell imitating life.
And tonight I planned to tell her all of that, and more. Tonight, I planned to ask Bella to marry me.
"Hi," she breathed, stepping out into the hallway and closing her bedroom door behind her.
I stood in my usual spot, leaning on the wall next to my own door as I had waited for her. She looked especially lovely this evening. She wore a delicate midnight blue dress with thin braided straps that clung and flowed in such a way that accentuated her beauty. As if I wouldn't think she was the most gorgeous woman on the face of the earth if she was dressed in sackcloth.
"Hi," I grinned back, offering my hand from where I stood. She took it, her fingers settling easily into the spaces between mine.
I peeled my back from the drywall and we began walking. We moved at human pace down the stairs in silence until she spoke up.
"So, mind telling me what all this mystery is about?"
I turned to look at her, raising my eyebrows. I suspected she was dying to know what I had planned- I had only told her to meet me in the hallway at seven and sent my sisters to get her ready a couple of hours before. That didn't mean I was ready to reveal it all now.
"It wouldn't be a surprise if I did that, now would it?"
She huffed in reply. "You know I don't like surprises."
My eyes narrowed for an instant, and a new stream of thoughts entered my head. What if she truly didn't like my surprise? What if this was a horrible idea? This could be a catastrophe…
The feel of Bella's fingertips on my furrowed brow caused my thoughts to pause, as well as my feet. She looked up at me, concerned as the fingers from her free hand smoothed my skin before sliding down the side of my face and back to her side. The sensation was like the brush of feathers, and the love endowed in it brightened my face and mood, reminding me of my intentions.
"I think you might enjoy this one- don't be so impatient Bella," I teased, masking my now deep-seated worry and anxiety.
She snorted, mumbling under her breath about 'moody vampire boyfriends.' Encouraged by her lighthearted jab, I made a demand.
"Close your eyes."
"What?" she asked, looking at me skeptically. I rolled my eyes.
"I severely doubt your enhanced hearing is failing. You heard me. Just do it Bella. You trust me don't you?" I asked, giving her my best pout and wide eyes. I would have to thank Alice for her years of example later.
Bella smirked, but complied. "Of course. Fine," she said, eyes drifting close.
"Ok, now keep them that way." She sighed and nodded her head.
Eyeing her carefully, I decided I was satisfied before whisking her up into my arms and carrying her downstairs to the living room. She shrieked, but kept her eyes closed.
"What are you doing Edward? Really, I-"
She trailed off as I sat her down and interrupted her words with a finger to her lips.
"You can look now."
Her eyelids fluttered open, and she glanced around the great room, quickly taking in her surroundings. I chuckled as her eyes widened.
Downstairs, where Esme had most of the walls knocked out to grant us a large space similar to the one back in Forks, the lights were dimmed. Furniture had been moved out to the garage, affording ever more space. Dozens of strings of tiny white lights had been hung, covering the ceiling and dangling in wide graceful arches that swept back to one corner. A few candles were scattered around, dotting the top of the piano and the mantle of the fireplace. Together, they cast the room in a warm glow accented by dancing shadows.
"Wha-, I mean where are-" she tried to question, entirely caught off guard.
I grinned, watching how the lights glowed off of her skin and her mouth stood agape in wonder.
"Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful. But why- how?"
I reached out, wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her to me.
"Well, it was rather difficult. I had to enlist the help of everyone else, and then of course we had to get around you…"
"But I was here the entire time," she protested, leaning back so that she could scrutinize my face.
I shook my head, smiling at her disbelief. "Ah, well, you did go out to hunt a few days ago with Alice."
Her face remained shocked, evidently surprised that we had all been planning this behind her back for days.
"She already knew what I wanted, and I laid out my plans with everyone else while you two were out. Esme set it up earlier while Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle moved the furniture. Alice and Rosalie distracted you. Then they kindly granted me the house to myself for the evening," I finished, matter-of-factly.
She narrowed her eyes. "So you're the reason I was subjected to a round of 'Bella Barbie.'"
I laughed, skimming my nose along her jaw line. "Mmm…I suppose so. Although, I must admit that I'm personally enjoying the results." I practically heard her rolling her eyes, but I littered kisses down her throat to emphasize my point. When I pulled back, her attitude was noticeably softened.
"Well," she said, voice shaky. "I suppose you can be forgiven. If you answer my other question."
I stared at her blankly, honestly at a loss.
"Why?" she questioned simply, waving her hand around the room.
"Ah," I acknowledged. Nothing slipped by my Bella. "Can't I just want to surprise the most spectacular, gracious, beautiful woman I've ever met?"
She harrumphed at me and snorted through her nose, though her eyes danced with pleasure and her expression warmed.
"If you say so," she smiled, slipping her hand into my hair before ghosting her lips over my own. "What else might you have planned?" she murmured against my lips, sending soft vibrations through them.
It was only with extreme effort that I pulled back, pulling my arm out from around her waist. I trailed my hand from her shoulder to her wrist, taking her hand from its place at the nape of my neck. I lowered it with my own, keeping them linked together. If I didn't get some distance between us, I was never going to get through this evening. I would simply get lost in Bella.
"Do you remember the song I played for you on the piano that first time?"
Darkness shadowed her eyes, and it wasn't from the flicker of a candle. I felt my own stomach clench at the memory, and at my own ignorance. Bella only cautiously nodded. I continued on, determined.
"I told you that I just came up with it on the spot. That was true. I didn't tell you what it was inspired by- who I wrote it for."
Her eyes widened, knowledge manifesting in her features.
"That day, with you sitting next to me, was the first day I realized how I felt about you. It just came out through the piano. Honestly, it scared me."
"Why?" she asked solemnly. She seemed to be full of 'wh-' questions today.
"I didn't think it was right, given everything." She nodded, though her face was full of admonishment. We had discussed this before, though not in the context of the piano incident. She knew how I felt, and I knew that she disagreed with my line of reasoning. We had decided to agree to disagree long ago. There was no point in arguing- what was done was done. I had bitten her, and now I loved her. For whatever inexplicable reason, she returned that love
"Anyway, I haven't been able to ever forget that song, and I've been working on it. I wanted to play it for you."
All darkness vanished at those words, and her enthusiasm peaked. "Really?" she asked, excitement coloring her question.
I laughed. "Yes." I pulled gently on her hand, bringing her to sit next to me at the piano. We hadn't done this since that first time, and it felt like electricity hummed all around us. It tingled at my scalp, my fingers, through the piano, and in the air between Bella and I.
With one last glance at Bella, my eyes drifted shut and I began to play. The melodies and harmonies flitted together, slipping in and out of each other. The notes were still the perfect expression of everything I wanted to tell Bella.
The composition began darkly. It was haunting in the deepest sense of the word, reminiscent of the torment I had felt during those first few days. Slowly a higher, more delicate line folded its way in, contrasting with the darkness. They battled together, despairingly beautiful in their contrast. Clamoring tension rang through the fortissimo of the music until the lighter line finally climbed over the lower one. Slowly it began to dominate until the darkness was forced out, giving way to simple sweetness until it too faded away.
As the last high note vanished, I reluctantly opened my eyes, worried that the spell may break. Unlike last time, the magic was only amplified by reality. I should have known the real thing would be a thousand-fold better than its musical reflection.
Bella's gaze was latched onto my face, full of wonder and complete understanding.
"I love you too." She whispered, golden eyes shining in soft glow of the room.
With those four words, a fullness swelled in my chest and the time was suddenly right. I had planned a couple of other events for the evening- a few dances around the cleared living room floor and a hushed declaration of both my love and regrets. A new urgency cancelled these intentions.
Instead, I turned my body to face hers, slipping my hand into the pocket of my dress slacks. When it reappeared, the glossy wooden box lay in my palm.
"What is that?" Bella questioned, appraising the small object I cradled.
I smiled tentatively, nervousness bubbling up into my chest. "My mother's engagement ring."
Shock registered across her features. For not the first time that evening, I second guessed myself. Maybe this was too much too soon.
No, not too soon. I thought determinedly to myself.
If anything, I had learned it was useless to attempt to hold back on any matter concerning Bella. Such a move only postponed the inevitable future. I had failed every time I had pursued that course of action in the past, and my memory automatically began flipping through the catalogue of these failures.
Before I even knew her, I hadn't been able to resist Bella that day in Biology. In the end, despite employing every trick I knew, I lured her to the parking lot to selfishly claim her as my own.
My refusal to acknowledge the depth and quality of my devotion to her lasted much longer. But eventually that too had backfired and everything had forcefully come crashing down on top of me. That result was only comparable to the absolute incompetency I possessed in pretending those same emotions didn't matter.
In the end, Bella always forced my hand.
Tonight was no different as deep, pure, burning love ripped at my chest, begging to be released. I granted its request, taking each of Bella's hands in my own, setting the box on the black bench in between us.
With a final penetrating look into her eyes, I pulled every bit of courage I could muster from my blind devotion to the lovely creature before me, and spoke the only words that even came close to expressing what I wished for. They weren't what I had practiced for hours upstairs as I had waited for my family to finish and leave. They didn't confess everything that Bella had done to change and complete me. They did, however, reveal exactly how much her agreement would mean to me.
"Isabella Marie Swan- I have taken your life. Though I can hardly achieve fairness if you were to see fit to take me, all I can give you is my own existence. Will you do me the honor of accepting it and marry me?"
I felt her tiny hands clutch my own where they were united between us. Her breath caught, and her eyes glazed over slightly. I knew that if she were human tears would have spilled down her cheeks in streams. As it was, she remained silent for several agonizing moments. For those few seconds, all I could do was look adoringly at her, knowing that whether she took it or not, my existence already did belong to her.
Gradually, joy crept over her features, replacing disbelief. It blended and intertwined perfectly with absolute love, manifesting in her soft golden eyes. I vaguely recognized her expression as identical to the vision Alice had shown me for the first time nearly ten months ago and then again six months before- it was only more breathtaking in reality.
Seeing the scene that for months had both tortured and inspired me provoked feelings that nearly matched the exultation that shot through my heart in the very next moment. Bella opened her perfect mouth, taking in a breath as she readied herself to answer my question. Her reply was as simple and complex as my request.
"Yes." She whispered, every bit of her soul embedded in the single utterance, a grin spreading wide across her face.
A matching one curled across my own lips, and I pulled her left hand up with my own, gently flipping open the small cherry wood box with my right. I lightly brushed my lips across her knuckles before deftly pulling my mother's ring from the box. Slipping the diamond-ornamented band onto her ring finger, I had never felt more at peace.
It was a piece of my past uniting with my future and the significance did not slip by my notice. At last I felt that everything that I was- past, present and future- fit together, united by meaning- by Bella. She was the reason for it all, for everything that had ever occurred to bring me to this moment. I stared at her, enraptured by her stunning brilliance.
Meanwhile, she looked down at the ring with awe, angling it in the understated glow of the strands of lights. I watched, smiling as she soaked in the moment.
Then, inexplicably, her face contorted and she began gnawing on her bottom lip.
"Bella?" I questioned. She didn't respond. Worried, I reached up, pulling her lip gently from between her teeth as I tilted her face so that my eyes could meet hers. Could she be changing her mind? My dead heart ached at the thought.
The lights reflected off of her topaz orbs, revealing their sullen quality.
"What is it Bella?" I asked gently, in hardly more than a whisper. "Is something wrong?"
She paused, enough to tell me that there was something.
"No Edward," she said, voice not wavering. I looked at her sternly. Her voice was confident, but Bella was not a good liar. Something about her face gave her away and she knew it.
"Really- this is perfect," she paused, collecting her thoughts. "It's just, there is one thing."
I braced myself, readying for whatever she had to say. "Anything." I responded. I had no reservations- whatever Bella wanted, she would receive. I hoped my single word conveyed my determination.
"I-I…I love you with my whole heart. I do- and nothing is going to make me happier than being your wife and spending eternity with you."
My heart soared at her words, but I wasn't so distracted that I didn't feel the tiny tug downward. There was more to her profession of commitment. "But?" I coaxed.
She cast her eyes down, focusing on the pale cream carpet. She inhaled deeply, clearly feeling that what she had to say was monumental. After exhaling and inhaling once more, her eyes flicked back up to my own. A passionate conviction raged in their depths.
"I need to see my father."
Perhaps I shouldn't have promised 'anything.'
A/N: Hopefully this chapter served as a character study of Edward. Congrats to several of you who guessed Edward was going to propose- I hoped you would. Any predictions? Any criticisms? Anything? If so, review! Please?
Oh, by the way, it is time for me to start considering what I shall be working on next- most likely one of my other abandoned works-in-progress (which can be found on my profile, of course). If you have a preference, I would love to hear it! Maybe I'll even put up a poll…